Thanksgiving Musings

Okay, so I didn’t post yesturday like I said I would but I doubt very much it was a concern. Especially since yesturday was Thanksgiving and I would hope you would be with loved ones or alone, like I was, and stuffing your face with food, like I DEFINATLY was. So, I waited for today to post my thankful and thanksgiving musings.

I do have a lot to be thankful for, especially in the weird times we are living in. And I guess I can post them in a list of what I am thankful for:

  1. That I am alive, I am still thankful for that every single moment I take a breathe and even though at times I live in fear that it may, just may, be my last. I am thankful for that breathe. I was complaigning not long ago to my trainer and his said he thought him saying it could be worse, you could be dead would be too harsh. I told him just say that and it will hit me right where it needs to – because I could be dead.
  2. My family – my family has been thru a lot with me and still stood by my side. Even if I think at times they don’t really like me or trust my judgement (not that I blame them based on my past decisions) I do know that they love me. They would have to put up with all my bullshit. Then add in the seemingly unconditional love my newphew has for me and I for him, it makes me want to have kids. But shhhh, don’t tell my parents that they’ll be bugging more then usual.
  3. My friends – I don’t have a ton of them but the ones I do have, they are very very precious to me.
  4. Whoever taught me to read – thank you.
  5. George Lucas & Jean M. Auel – I have to give thanks to the creators….
  6. For Elvis existing and making music… just something about him isn’t there?
  7. Pumpkin Pie – which I didn’t eat growing up until a few years ago. Now I love the stupid stuff… yummy!
  8. Whatever wine I drank last night and the people who made it. DANG! I found a wine I actually like. Its gvuevstaral or something like that. Yummy

Okay, the last one not so much… but I can still taste it, and yes I have brushed my teeth several times over. Its just the memory of the taste. And I didn’t want to down it as quickly as possibly. Just wish it wasn’t so expensive, okay $15 isn’t expensive but it is to me when I would probably drink the entire thing in one sitting. Heck, I would drink it straight from the bottle – which I did!

But in all seriousness, my Thanksgiving was nice and relaxed as well as a bit insane. Why do I decide on days of relaxation to try and reorganize ALL My books? Because I’m crazy thats why. I was invited to other places since my folks were in Vegas with my brothers family but I am glad I stayed home. I cooked myself a small meal and it turned out pretty good. Then I sat and watched The Bourne Identity and tv for the rest of the day. I did attempt to workout twice – not so well but at least I got something in.

As for other thoughts, I don’t know – life is really good right now. I am getting ready to head back to school and I spent some time double checking my schedule to see if its what I want it to be and really, have no choice in the matter. I need to take certain classes and that is what I am doing. I wanted to write but let the tv absorb me in like a sponge. I don’t get a huge amount of days where I can do absoltuly nothing and get away with it without feeling any guilt. But in truth – I cooked a t-day dinner on my own. It wasn’t a lot but I still cooked it and had to clean up after myself. No one to share the load with. In fact, it was less lonely then I thought it would be.

I am at work today and I am sitting here listening to Christmas music and shopping for more workout videos. I have no clue why, just am. I booked my hotel for the night before the cruise for February. Hopefully my roommate will like it because I can’t really cancel now. Plus its only for one night, I think we will live. Got a decent deal on it from Priceline. But that is it for now, since now I have to keep working on my Christmas shopping list. I think I am mostly done….

Oh Stronzata

Okay, so here is the question we women ask ten zillion times in our lifetime: How do you know a guy likes you? Seriously, I am still at 33 years old trying to figure this out. I do know that just because he wants to get in your pants doesn’t mean he likes you, he just wants to put his dick some place warm for a period of time be it nanoseconds or an hour. So, I take that out of the equation. How do you know?

Its bugging me. Not because I think someone likes me but because someone else says he thinks someone likes me. I don’t think the guy likes me more then just someone to hang out with on occasion. He doesn’t call unless we are gonna do something. Its not like he wants to talk to me about his day or anything. Is it stupid to think this? Yeah… because its not that I don’t want him to like me. I mean, hell, I have wasted hours wondering what it would be like to kiss him. I have spent periods of time telling myself at dinner, don’t look at his mouth, don’t look at his forearms (he has AMAZING forearms) and so on. Then slamming the coffin top down with a “he is just your friend” repeated over and over in my head.

There are times I want to just blurt out to him over dinner, I want you to kiss me. Right here, right now I don’t care who is watching. But I don’t because I am a wimp and I don’t want to fugg up our friendship. I like the guy. He is fun to be around and fun to talk to. And so polite sometimes, its kinda scary. So, what do I do? I say stupid shit like – I don’t like blondes while he is a blond and so on. And say things as a joke because I’m not secure enough to say it seriously and think I wouldn’t get rejected. Cause I’m dumb and I know that beyond just a brief period of time, we wouldn’t be anything beyond a memory when he leaves to go back to the life he really wants.

But enough of that. I said it out loud and who knows maybe he would be curious enough to find out more about me and read this. But, somehow I don’t think that’s gonna happen. The guy won’t even let me myspace him. Jackass… lol…

Relationships in general are just weird. I have been thinking a lot about what I want in my mate. Mr. Varza needs to be someone special and pretty specific, which I think happens the older you get the more detail oriented your wants become. I am starting to find specific things I want… and I don’t think its too much to ask for these things. I could be flexible but only to a point. Some of the things I want, I am going to take from my male friends and mush them up together on the list:

  1. I want to be able to talk to Mr. Varza as easily as I can talk to Gracious One, yeah you heard me. The one who calls me out and likes to put me in my place. But, I can easily talk to him for hours on end about many different topics and just have a good time in general doing that and with lots of laughter as well.
  2. They have to love the holidays as much as I do… and I do love every one. I like to celebrate Halloween, even if it is sitting at home watching bad horror movies and I want someone to help me put up Christmas lights on my house and want to sit around watching White Christmas (I love that movie!) and sip hot cocoa with me. I have yet to find this in any of my male friends.
  3. I want someone like Trainer Boy who is willing to go to movies with me and talk movies. Any movies. Even bad ones and really really good ones. Homeland Security Boy does this too… with both of them we go out to eat before or afterwards and talk about the movies or just life in general. But HSB is stuck in LA and wants to be here. TB is stuck here and wants to be in LA. I miss HSB… stupid government won’t bring him back here.
  4. Books – talk to me about books. I can do this with a number of my friends. And I love it. Books are my life pretty much. Its the only thing I have consistantly loved my entire life. Throw me a good book and make me read it. Cause I will at least try. Even understanding my desire to not leave the bookstore or to just walk around Borders for three hours absorbing the joy of being around books. That is fun to me. Yeah, I know I am crazy.
  5. Sports – the guy has to like sports… and be willing to raise athletic children with me.
  6. I can’t think of anything else right now… so what ever mechanism pulls people together, I am not done with this list. Don’t throw anyone at me just yet… I’m not 100% prepared…

As for all the other crap that comes with meeting someone. I think it depends. I know where I would like to meet someone and how I would like things to happen. I mean, I love when a guy (that you are attracted to) comes up and kisses you with all the emotions he is feeling. I day dream about those moments with made up fantasy, and not so made up fantasy, guys. It makes you feel so dang wanted. I was reading the latest People issue (with the sexiest man in the world Hugh Jackman on the cover, yummy!) and there was a quote in there from Dr. McDreamy (I don’t watch that show so I never heard it before) where he says, ” I like the kissing, I´m on for the kissing, more kissing I say” and I have to say I agree. I like the kissing. But for me, I miss the kissing.

I have had perfect kisses. Heck, I have had romance movie/novel moments. Seriously, I had it happen to me once in high school with this one guy, it was just wow… even to this day, 16 years later I can relive it moment to moment. It was in slow motion, seriously! Unfortunatly, the BITCH FROM HELL fugged it up for me and I lost my chance with a guy who seemed pretty dang perfect in everyway. Lets just say, I walked into my friends history class to talk to them about my upcoming, I think birthday party (that part if a blur) when I looked down and made eye contact with this one guy. He was a newbie and he just smiled at me and very slowly stood up. I remember gulping and smiling. I ended up inviting him, in his jeans and white t-shirt and mahogoney eyes, to my party. We found out he lived in the connecting neighborhood to mine. Unfortunatly, when he showed up he was cornered in the bathroom by the BITCH FROM HELL and bombared by stories about how I was a whore and would sleep anyone (which unfortunatly for me was not only completely false but being said by someone who I though was my best friend at the time and I had no clue about it).

Which meant, when after eveyrone else left and we continued to hang out – just me and him – then he kissed me. Which was wonderful and seemingly perfect. When he pressed for more, I stopped him. I then became “a tease”… I looked forward to talking to him again but was mystified when he ignored me completely the next week at school, no call, nothing… It was then I found out about the conversation in the bathroom from another friend and realized, okay so because I didn’t sleep with him he didn’t want me. Which for a girl leads to – if I ever want someone to want me, I have to sleep with them. Yeah, that is fucking great for a girls self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

So, romance movie/novel moments, yeah they happen but that is always one part of the story. In the end, its not real and it was just a moment that will either screw us up for a long long time or make us stronger. For me, it screwed me up. And its moment like this that creep up into my mind when I sit around trying to figure out what is wrong with me for hours on end… moments you think you forget completely and never really realized had an affect on you until 16 years later you are in your room at night and it dawns on you. That happens to me a lot.

BTW, he did apologize to me right before graduation. It was a random day at school when he came up and asked to talk to me but alone and not at school. We went to the library and talked in the car. He apologized and told me that he had really liked me and that he fucked up. I agreed with him but I never let him know how much he really hurt me. I saw him once after graduation, I ignored him and asked someone to take his table even though he was sitting in my section at the resturant. I never received an apology from the BITCH FROM HELL because well, I let her hurt me too many times and now I hope she burns in the hell she is from and dies painfully… and people wonder why I have a hard time trusting people.

I am one fucked up lady… with all the ways I have tourtured myself, who would want me. But enough of that. Someone, someday will… and I think they will be pretty damned lucky because I am a survivor, I’m not gon give up, I’m not gon stop, I’m gon work harder, I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it,
I will survive, Keep on survivin’… and yes, that is the chorus from Survivor by Destiny’s Child.

But tomorrow is thanksgiving and I will have the day pretty much alone to remember what I am thankful for. I think I may write a post and say what and why. I have a lot… but that is for tomorrow not today. Today was just another ramblin’ bunch of crap as per usual.

BTW, if you have a chance pick up the book “Why We Suck by Dr. Denis Leary” – its funny as hell and you’ll get odd looks if you read it in public cause there will be moments when you get pissed off right before you almost piss your pants. hehehe…

Justification my butt…

I have to get this off my chest… my life is a little insane at the moment and I am feeling like I have to justify my actions of my life to people constantly.

So what I am selling my female tusken – why? I keep getting that. Because I have bills to pay and you know what, I am tired of feeling like I have to play dress up when I am not enjoying it that much anymore. I don’t. Its fun for a time then I get hot and uncomfortable in my costume then I become miserable. Does this mean I will not ever costume again? No, just I need a break from it. I need to stop spending a majority of my time worrying about people who I don’t like and who don’t like me and having to be around them just to wear my costume at an event. Seriously, I get stress when I have to deal with people who I know hate me. Having to put on a smiling face and act like nothing is wrong. I need to not use it as a reason to exist and hide from myself.

This isn’t everyone – just some. I love my friends that I have made over the course of years that have passed. And I want to be around them as much as possible but if that means they don’t want to talk to me anymore (as some of them have decided to do recently) then so be it… then maybe to me it was only a friendship. At this point I really don’t care. I can’t stay the person I have been since I moved to New Mexico. Letting people treat me like shit and acting like it doesn’t matter. And being seen as weak when I walk away. I don’t want to fight for falsness… its not me.

The other thing is the crap going on at work. Its stressful, we are loosing one of our stores (we have two locations) because our building was bought by Lowes and will be demolished to make way for their new building. We have to move. My mom put up a sign saying we are closing and I am tired already of having to justify why we are closing and dealing with the circling vultures of sales. Seriously, when a buisiness is closing its a highly emotional thing for the people who own it and work there. Putting pressure on them to explain how dare they close down… I’m sorry but that is down right rude! You are being put out because you will have to drive a few more blocks to another catholic store. WE are loosing part of our lives. Something we put our heart, sweat and tears into for almost a decade. And we have to be concerned for YOU. We are concerned with not breaking down.

And I wish like hell I could slap someone. We are open until December 29th… and people are expecting us to have the entire store for half off already. Seriously, another reason I hate people. We can’t afford to move to a new location – and the people bitching are the ones who only come in for a $1.40 candle every few months. Yeah that will sustain us. Go to Wal-Mart… I really don’t give a shit.

My life is an a total upheavel and I have people pressuring me to make them happy. You know what I am TIRED, fucking tired as hell of having to make everyone else happy before myself. So, what I am not going to do a costume to make your group happen… I am trying to keep my house, loose weight, go back to school and keep my mother from having a nervous breakdown thru this transistion right now. I am loosing my closest friends and they don’t care. All I want to do is pack up my bags and leave. Run away from it all but I can’t.

I have come so damned far from that night so long ago when I almost ended it all with a bottle of whiskey and sleeping pills. When I thought I had nothing to live for. That no one could ever love me – even my family. That I was nothing. Am nothing and worth nothing. I am not that person anymore. The person who threw away her life because she couldn’t make anyone around her happy.

My life is my life – I have to do what I have to do to survive. I have been thru hell and back so many damned times. And most of it alone. If I loose more of my friends, then I loose them. There has only been a handful of people who have seen me thru the hardest times and that was my family. So often in the past when my life spun out of control my friends walked away from me or I left them. Why would I want them to see it?

Am I too serious? Touchy? Yeah, probably but that is who I am. A shell of a person most of the times with emotinal scaring that is layered on top of each other. Each time someone treated me like I was worthless… and I am tired of feeling that. I am worth something. I AM WORTH SOMETHING! Even if it is only to myself and I don’t have to justify that to ANYONE.


One thing in your life that is easier said then done is simplifying. How? Well, if you are a pack rat like me you have a frak-ton of stuff sitting around in boxes, on shelves, in corners and all sorts of nooks and crannies.

So, I have decided its time to simplify my life as much as possible. As well as hopefully get back a small percentage of the money I put out buying all the crap I have. In all seriousness, there are parts of my floor that are sitting there covered with stuff that has never been unpacked because I have no place to put anything. And its annoying!

Yesterday, I spent a good portion of my day working in my garage that has boxes from when I moved into my house as well as boxes from when I moved from California 8 years ago, sitting in it. It was a hell of a job and my sinuses are still screwed up from all the dust and dirt I breathed in. But, in truth it felt good but it was depressing as well, to see how much of life could just be tossed away like there was no tomorrow. But there is so much of my past that I would like to throw out that it is probably for the best. I will say though that my shredder is going to get a workout this week, I have boxes of old paper work that needs to go away. As well as old checks and check registers from about 10 years ago.

Then I started thinking, how much can I simplify? I took a look around my house and I have so many things that I do not need. So many, its kinda scary. How much of my money have I wasted on these things? That now just sit there and collect dust, which creates more work for me to do. So… I am going to get rid of it all… at least as much as I can. Sorting thru my books will be the hardest thing because I love my books but there are many I bought and never once looked at again. But it is time. I still am unpacking boxes of books I didn’t realize I had still. I mean do I really need my art class book anymore? Am I ever going to worry about art history again? I mean, I have my notes on that class still… those I will keep. There are some great observations in there.

Simplifying – easier said then done… its giving me a full on headache.

Run Fatgirl Run

I want to run… seriously, I want to be able to run several miles without stopping and feel the wind in my face. Hell, I would love to run for more then 30 seconds to a minute without feeling like I am going to pass out. I can sympathize with the main character in the movie – Run Fatboy Run very easily. Except he was probably in better form then I am at the moment or was. I hope at least I can run further then a few doors down from my home. Not much further but further no the less.

I can easily say, I have never been much of a runner. I was always the kid in class getting yelled at by the coaches to step it up and quite messing around and actually run like I was ordered to. Yeah, I slacked off… A lot. When I was in middle school, there were a few times I actually was able to run a full 400 without stopping. Usually when I was running with the fastest girl in our class – fastest as in running not the other, get your mind out of the gutter! And she forced me to keep up with her. I ran during basketball and volleyball practices for the suicides. In truth, I preferred those over running on a track.

In high school I was on the track and field team for a few years. More specifically the field team. I did shot-put and discus. I was suppose to run at the beginning of our practices and I did, from time to time. Mostly goofing off and checking out the soccer players on the schools team. Hey, they were H-O-T hot! Seriously. But I wouldn’t push myself. My knees hurt me and I could barely breathe at times.

Then came the time I wanted to join the military. Hey, I tried – I went to basic and everything. Just never graduated from basic. Why? Well, we were suppose to run in basic. I ran and finally one day I made my 15 minute 2 mile during our PT one day. Unfortunately, that was the day my knees gave out on me and I couldn’t use them for the next month or so very well. I was on crutches because they would give out on me completely if I tried to walk on them more then a few feet. It sucked ass, big time. But at least now I knew why… my knees are all kinds of screwed up. I have runners knee (aka patello-femoral syndrome or something like that) and the cartilage on my knees is all wacky as well as my lower leg bones being slightly twisted/deformed.

As for the out of breath part, I found out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have excercise induced asthma and my doctor said I have probably have had it my entire life and just didn’t know it. Which would make sense since I have always had problems with catching my breathe while playing sports (except swimming) and I have never been that good at holding my breathe for a long time. But the finding out is fun when you are on a side of a mountain hiking and you can’t take a step without feeling like you were going to pass out.

So, now we come to me today. I am about 100lbs heavier then when I left the military over a decade ago and out of shape. I have been working out since May but I still get periods of time when my knees just don’t want to work right. And I am getting annoyed as hell. I want to desperatly get the stamina and the ability to run but I can do interval run-walking for about a day or two before my knees just won’t let me run anymore. The intervals being: walk for a minute, run for a minute and so on. Sometimes I do walk for 1 minute 15 seconds, run for 45 seconds. Depending on how I am breathing at the time when I start to run.

But as I said, I am getting annoyed. I want to run. Running is an amazing feat to me. People who can run amaze me. Maybe because its never been something I was good at and it hurt to do. So, how do I get there? I try and I always seem to fail at this one little thing. I tried running last night after doing several nights of intervals – and couldn’t even get in step for 5 seconds let alone a minute of running.

I do not like to fail, I hate failing and I am tired of being a failure at so many things. I am tired of my knees hurting constantly and being limited on so many exercises because of my wrist or my shoulder or my back or my knee or whatever the hell decidesto be hurting this time around. Its frustrating and painful… and I will push myself as much as I can. I will push myself to tears and to the point where I can’t move. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to limit myself anymore because of stupid weaknesses. I am weak in so many ways and I am tired of it. And I am tired of crying because of the frustration that I have to dig thru just to get in a decent workout.

I need to tell my trainer, he will just tell me he told me so. He was worried I pushed myself too much the other day and I did. I’m stupid but I don’t want to be fat and ugly anymore. I don’t want to be a 1 anymore, can I at least be a 5?

I want to run… I want to be healthy, I want to by pain free for a few days. I not have to take an aleve and advil to just get thru the day. I mean, I know when I go to the movies tonight with my friend that I will not be able to walk down the stairs easily afterwards. End up looking like an old woman who needs a cane. Yeah, thats attactive…

In truth, I don’t want to just run. I want to excel at running. A few years ago my brother was doing triathalons and I told him I would like to do one, one day and he laughed. I know he didn’t mean any harm, I am fat and pretty lazy. So, the idea of me doing one of the premier atheletic events is pretty funny. Who knows maybe I will be able to prove him wrong? I would like to and I would like to succeed at that. But I didn’t realize when I told myself this how hard it would be to even get started with running. I mean after several months, I haven’t gone beyond where I need to do even think about training for such an event. Maybe one day… when I loose my fat and have stronger muscles I will be able to.

And no I can’t have surgery. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford cortozone shots either. And I wish I would of known about the asthma earlier – I wouldn’t of smoked.

‘Tis the Season…

Its that time of year again, the time of spending money and excess and giving to those you care about. And I wish I had the money to buy everything I wanted to buy for my loved ones but I don’t. I know where it is going and I wish I could hold onto it all but I just can’t. In truth my money is going mostly to my personal trainer and trying to eat healthier. But nevermind on that, thats not what this post is about…

I have been trying to come up with ideas on gifts for this Christmas that aren’t going to cost me a whole lot and yet have more feelings and emotions behind it. From making something from scratch or buying something that means more then just another object in the house.

Now, this brings me to my nephew – I don’t know what I can really make him. I think a NASCAR pillow which all I need is the fabric, I have the pillow form already so that is one thing down. But as his Godmother and not being an overly religious person, I find that as a guiding force in his life that I want to impress upon him not religious or spiritual values so much as other ideas and thoughts as well as the value of learning. Which he does get from his parents but I can’t think of any other reason why my brother would want me as my nephews Godmother. He could of chosen my mom or someone else. But he chose me for a reason. So each year I make sure that my nephew gets certain items from me – books, educational toys, etc.

And this year I want to step it up a notch. He will be turning 5 on New Years Day and I want to start teaching him about the endangered species of the world and environmentalism. I was around his age when I started to notice the damage we humans do to the world around us and wanted to do something to change it. And I know my brother and sister-in-law are teaching him about recycling et al. So, what can I do? Well, this year his big present is going to be an adoption… a Wildlife Adoption. Now, I just have to figure out which animal and which level to adopt the animal at. Which is definatly not easy. And of course I am worried how he will take it. I mean its not a racecar or some crazy new fangled toy.

I am thinking then, maybe what I can do to make him understand a little more is to adopt an animal for each member of my family. Instead of a ton of little presents like I normally do I will adopt an animal for his mom and dad as well. And for both of my parents. Then I thought about it and it seems to be a good way to go. And not just for bringing more of something special to my nephew but its something that can be done and its not an excess. Its money I am spending to make the world a better place and not just giving things just to give something. So, what other ways can we give a present and have it mean more then just hey I saw this in a store and thought you might like it. Also, it may take a few bucks away or some time but buying something for someone you don’t know is a gift to yourself.

But here is a guide – Holiday Donations. I know I’m not the first person to think of this and I won’t be the last. I have wanted to do it in years past but I always let them buying of gifts outweigh the charity I wanted to do. This year, I can’t and don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe it will make a difference.

Tips for Shoppers

Seriously, a majority of people out there need these tips. Either that or someone to smack you upside your head for the rudeness, idiocy, meaness and just down right bad treatment who are there to serve you. Please note that these tips aren’t for everyone, just the really bad customers who make working retail a living hell.

I am writing these tips because they are things that I have experience from working retail for many a years and I have finally reached my breaking point. I am tired of being someone’s punching bag just because they think they have the right to treat me like crap because they aren’t going to get their way. You would be amazed at how often a full-grown human adult acts like a 2 year old having a temper tantrum. Its annoying as hell and I am frakking tired of it. Sorry, but the human race is mean when it comes down to it. We aren’t naturally nice and sweet and what not. We are mean, territorial and asshats to the extreme naturally.

  • Say Thank You every once in awhile. The people serving you are usually on their feet all day long and being treated like they aren’t human. A thank you from someone can really make a day better.
  • We don’t give a flying shit if you can’t find what you are looking for. We don’t have a factory up our asses to make it for you. We smile and say we are sorry. Because we are but we can’t change the fact if we don’t have the toy your kid has to have right now and its not going to ruin our day. So quite screaming.
  • If you sign a lay-a-way contract and people have repeatably tried to get a hold of you. Do not threaten to sue us because you lost your money since you couldn’t figure out how to use a damned phone to explain a situation.  They’ve been around since the mid-1800s, I’m sure you are THAT old.
  • Scream at me all you want, all you are doing is pissing me off and making me less likely to actually help you. If it continues, you will be asked to leave the premises due to the harassment.
  • If the policy says no refund – it means no refund. Not no refund except for you. Seriously, read the fine print or listen.
  • We don’t have one on one service in most stores, realize that there are other customers that need to be taken care of other then you. We will do our best but on a good day its 1 worker to 3 customers, on a bad day or sale/holiday season its 1 worker to about 10 customers. Its kinda hard to be glued to your side the entire time. Please understand we want to help you as much as possible. And we will. But if you go rude on us do not expect us to kiss your ass.
  • If you are having a hard time shopping during the holiday season do not take it out on the employees of the store. Most likely you aren’t the only one having a bad day and that employee you are screaming at has had to deal with your bad day and everyone elses. Use the holiday spirit and show some kindness by understand that your bad day is nothing compared to the person you treat like crap. If you are nice to them – they will be better to you and help you more then someone who is making them want to jump in front of a bus because the sweater isn’t in your size.
  • Karma happens – seriously. And if you aren’t into that… do unto others. Its the Golden Rule for a frakking reason. What else – what goes around, comes around. Blah blah blah….
  • Another holiday tip – everyone deserves to be happy during the holidays, even those who don’t celebrate it. But working retail usually makes most retail workers dread it… give the gift of kindness. I am saying it again for a reason.
  • Do not lie to us, we aren’t stupid. We know lies when we hear them since we hear those and more then enough excuses for the entire senior class to use to play hookie everyday of the year. Seriously, look down on us all you want – we aren’t dumb because we work retail. We work retail because we want to.
  • If you break something do not hide it and leave the store. Pay for it! If you don’t its the same as stealing something. It is theft, that thing is now unsellable and will be thrown away. Money out the door.
  • If you see someone shop lifting – tell a sales person so they can handle the situatioin. You are as guilty as someone else if you see a crime being commited and don’t do something to correct the situation. At least in my eyes. Would you turn a blind eye on someone who was beating the life out of a child or robbing a bank? No… a crime is a crime. Make the world slightly better and be a person who helps instead of ignores.

Thats about it… I’m in a foul mood because I was screamed at on the phone for a half hour with a customer we have now decided to ask to not ever come back into our store. That they are banned. For many of the above reasons. It sucks… and I am tired of it. Really I am. I don’t deserve to be screamed at because someone elses life is crappy. If I could do it without loosing customers I would hang up on every single person that was rude to me.

And seriously, since working retail for the past 5 years straight I am really hating the human race. I have lost pretty much all hope and thoughts that we are any good because of the amount of abuse that it thrown in my face on a weekly basis by others who think nothing of treating me like crap because I am just a thing to them. I am not a thing. I am a human being who deserves respect if for nothing else other then being there with a smile on my face even though for all you know my pet died that morning or I am going thru a break up with my boyfriend. I listen to your problems and don’t ask for the same in return. I will do everything in my power to make you happy and give you what you want. I listen to you talk hatred without being able to stand up for myself. I have my holidays and good days ruined so you can make yours slightly better.

Thats all for my bitching at the moment… damn I am so not looking forward to Christmas.

Warning: Overly Emotional PMS Post!

The warning is real people. I am in an overly emotional state and just need to write it out once again. Its probably repeatative and stupid but hey thats me!

I realized this morning that I was PMS when I spent another morning in the shower with tears rolling down my face and blending in with the shower water for absolutly no reason whatever. In truth, it feels like I have been spending more time with tears in my eyes then not the last few days. Actually pretty much since my birthday. Oh what a year it has been. I try so dang hard to be strong and mighty… nothing can harm the Mighty Mighty Varza and she doesn’t care what ANYONE thinks. Right! And I’m the reincarnation of Leo DiVinci. Can’t you tell by how damned talented I am.

In truth, I am probably one of the weakest people you will meet and I hate it. Absolutly hate it about myself. Emotionally, physcially, mentally. I kinda suck. Big time. I feel like at times I should have a massive sign over my head that says: Warning! Do Not Come In Contact with This Person… they suck and not in a good way.

I just don’t think that a 33 year old woman should be as confused with themselves as I am. I mean I have no damned clue who I am. I am just floating around and going thru the motions of the day feeling as though I am an intrusion on every single person I knows life. And its not anything new. Do you know how hard it is to go thru life feel like the odd one out, that no matter how hard you try to fit the puzzle piece that is you into the puzzle it just never fits? Cause thats how I feel and have felt for a long time. Like that puzzle piece that gets put into the wrong box over and over again. You stand out like a glarring mistake and no one wants you to be there yet you are. And afterwhile you just get tossed in with another puzzle to have the same thing happen over and over. I swear, I am an undercover EMO kid at times… oh wo is me blah blah blah…

But seriously… I feel like the people I am around, don’t want me there. Is that a problem? Yes, I can sense it. I feel it. It makes me want to go run and hide then cry away the shame I feel for even existing. Thats right shame. Because I feel like I am a waste of space sometimes. I want to be worthy of something. To be worthy of anything. I struggle every day with finances to make sure I can do the things I need to do to exist. I went years without buying anything to make me even slightly attractive so that I could put my money towards other things. I mean it didn’t matter what I looked like – no one else cared. I want to better who I am and what I am. To maybe be seen as attractive to anyone… no find a way to break through this crap that I hold onto.

I mean, how do I let go. Someone can you tell me how to let go of this self-doubt, nagging, annoying shit that I keeps me from being someone? I try so hard to let it go and then I start feeling like Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea. Ranting and raving against something until it jumps up and eats me for a snack. I want to let go of the pain of the past. No not be sensitive when someone pokes fun of my appearence. Do people not realize that it hurts when they do that? That after all these years I still want to hide in the corner when someone lightly teases me about my massive amounts of hair. I love my hair, I think its one of my best features even though its a pain my ass and my plumbing. It still hurts. Is it because it was the first thing that I had large groups of people tease me about? (Thank you Aaron for that)

I want more days that I look in the mirror to be days I can be proud of instead of days that make me want to cry and hate myself. I want someone to look at me and love me. Maybe thats why I have always wanted to get married. Marriage – you would think – is the ultimate acceptance of a person for everything they are. At least it should be. Why else would you bond yourself to another person? You fit and love one another. Unfortunatly, I don’t think that is the case in the world or ever has been. Marriage is a status for amny people. Or hope that that ultimate acceptance is really there. Until things go wrong… cause they can go horribly horribly wrong.

But for myself its that shame. That shame that others put on me at a young age when I didn’t know any better and just wanted to be accepted. That I carried around for so many years without realizing it… the shame that if anyone knew the true me they would just hate me as much as I hate myself. I wait for the day when the friends I do have leave me, like so many others. Or laugh at me. I really really hate being picked on and laughed at but it seems to have been and always will be a part of my life. Maybe its cause they realize that I am not a person worth taking in as important. That I am just a joke. Because thats what I see… I am a big fat frakking joke that doesn’t deserve much of anything else.

And am I sad? I was asked this the other day… yes, yes I am and very very lonely because I have friends but I don’t really fit in with them. How sad is that? But can someone, anyone, tell me how one learns to love themselves? Cause I would love to be able to one of these days… and have the strength to realize that I am worth something. Because even though someone can say you are… its harder to believe its true. Tell me that and how to let go from the past. Cause thats even harder.

This is what I get for talking about high school over lunch with a friend…

No Checkie ID?

Nope… I went and voted today and they did not check my ID nor the person before and not the person after me. Surprised? I sure the hell was… And a little upset. I actually have looked up the county clerks office and have plans to call them tomorrow and complain. I mean, its not like I am well known. I had to vote 40 minutes away from where I live and its a small area but still. You do not, not check someone’s ID when voting. I mean a hour later I had to show my ID to pick up a book I ordered at Borders! I guess the book is more importnat then my vote? I actually had my ID out and was going to show the woman and she told me “oh, we don’t need to see that. Just find your name on the list.”

So, to say the least I am very very disappointed about this. Not much I can do. I voted – and I won’t say who because… I don’t know why. But other then that I am good to go and I reregistered after the fact to vote in Albuquerque next times instead of Edgewood.

But now, I am going to ignore politics for the rest of the evening until I can’t anymore. I am heading to the movies and a bite to eat after the fact. To relax and be happy that I won’t have to watch the fear spewed out by the republican party for another few years… yeah – that pissed me off to no end. I have absolutly no respect for someone who uses fear against someone. A government should fear its people not the other way around… and we are now a country that is starting to fear is government. I don’t like that America. Where’s my mask?