I Bought Purple Nail Polish

Here are some random thoughts from my morning – I can’t think of a good blog:

  • Can I say something off the record please? Thanks… No one likes to be made to feel forgotten or un-special. Yep, no one… Heck even EMO kids want attention.
  • I want to be seen as pretty…
  • stupid wrist – quit hurting!
  • I miss wearing heeled boots
  • Heck, I miss wearing heels!
  • And I am tired of t-shirts… I wanna look like a girl again
  • Damnit – I am gonna go shopping tonight
  • I wonder if I should buy a tarot deck… I miss doing readings.
  • I miss writing poetry… even if it sucked
  • I like hats
  • Payless has some really CUTE hats on sale… yes I am shopping online right now.
  • I have some beautiful and wonderful people in my life
  • overly helpful people are annoying as hell… leave me alone!!
  • I need to get my dressers into my room and organzie! So i can buy more shit to fill them…
  • hum… I need to clean out my clothes again. How do they keep piling up?
  • i miss kisses
  • and yes I really did buy purple nail polish… its pretty…

Post Birthday Thoughts

So…. I am now offically 33 and have been for 5 days now. How has it been? Not the greatest, but I will live. I hope. I spent most of my weekend looking back at the last few years and realizing, I’m not happy with much in my life at the moment. In fact, I feel that part of the past few years was a mistake. I love the friends I have made – the real friends – and realized… I am not the person I want to be.

For most of my life I figured I would be married and have at least one kid by the time I was 33… I am now 33 and no closer to ever having that in my life. I know I rag on it but its a big disappointment for me. I have always wanted to get married, have a small beautiful wedding and have a family with children. Not living alone in a house and can’t even get a date.

And I also realized that with the life I am living at the moment, I am no closer to meeting the man I want to marry then I was because I am not meeting the right people. Okay maybe there are one or two of them out there that I wouldn’t mind mating with but they see me as a friend. An untouchable… Actually, with the way things are going if I ever do get married my entire wedding party will end up being mostly male.

So, what to do… well, this next year is going to be another year of growth. I wanted that last year and as the procrastinator that I am – I pushed it back and back until about a month ago I started really working at it. I mean I did a little here, a little there but no concentration on it. I like to distract myself from reality more often then not.

I talked this over a little bit with my trainer last night and my best friend over the weekend. Its time for a change… a big change. Be it I sell my female tusken and quit the Rebel Legion and the 501st or just sell it and put that money towards a different costume. I don’t know. In truth, maybe just give up costuming all together. I mean, I enjoy it and all but it takes a lot of money to do a good costume as well as time. Both of which are not something I have a ton of at the moment. And I need that money to pay my bills and the time to get into shape.

In truth, I look at my halloween costume – I decided a month ago what I was going to do… the vampire costume and I am barely to the point where I can say I am done. I got my hat mostly done last night and it looks frigging sweet but my coat is just barely cut out of the fabric and its going to take forever to do but I would rather go to the gym then work on the costume. I love going to the gym… I can get away from everything and just focus on that. Its nice… and there are some damned cute guys to look at. Even if they are too young for me and I know I won’t ever have the courage to talk to them. I like looking at them. Just waiting for the day when I can shake my bum and they actually take notice.

But back on topic – what does costuming really give me? At the moment not much beyond a headache of trying to get things done on time and spending money I don’t have. And for some reason the costumes just never come out right. Something is always wrong with it. I wore my Slytherin Student costume this past weekend and it just seemed wrong. I wasn’t comfortable in it. Maybe its not something to give up completely just not something to think about over the next several months.

Back to my birthday – the changes I want to make over the next year. Lets just put them out there and see what happens. I don’t really make New Years Resolutions, I make birthday ones. Because its my year to try to change or make myself a better human being.

My weight – I want it down. I really want to be 100# less then where I started a few months back. If that means mentioning it here I will. I want to weigh between 165 – 145lbs. Hopefully by mid-summer. Dress size, don’t really care because I could be a 6 or I could be a 12. I haven’t a clue. Not like there is a guide book that says – if you are this weight you must wear this dress size.

Writing – I am working on a story… a few actually. And I want to try to get most of it, if not all completed by my 34th birthday next year. But its time to quite procrastinating and just get it done. I have always had stories, just not the courage to go thru with it. I mean, what if I got rejected? You would think after my dating life I would be used to it. But I always let fear stand in my way of going thru with this one thing I always wanted to do. This thing I kept hidden from so many people – bet my friends in high school didn’t know I wrote shorts. Poetry yes, short stories. Nope…

Travel – I want to take some money and time to travel around New Mexico and log about it. I have lived in many states but often never take the time to really see it. I want to see New Mexico. Go to small out there areas and spend a night or two. Just drive and see what happens. Be it on my own or with someone else – I just want to see as much of it as possible. I mean its a beautiful state. All it would take is some gas and money for a hotel. About as much money as it would take me to go out with friends over the weekend.

Dating – I will see what I can do to make myself seem avaible. And if all I do is end up with friends. Then I end up with friends. That would be par for course but who knows. Maybe something will change. I mean, I have had crushes this year and have gotten some pretty good friends out of them. The friendship of one confirmed last night. At least I can go to the movies with someone and out to dinner. But no online dating. I don’t want to deal with that. If I don’t have the time to do other things, dealing with online dating will just not be something I have time for either. But I would like to start at least dating again… now to just find someone who wants to date me. So my main goal – at least 1 offical date this year. A kiss would be nice to.

Reading – for awhile there I was following the course I wanted with my reading. But I got off track. I want to get back onto the every other one – fiction, non-fiction, fiction. Thats about it… nothing fancy

School – I am due to go back to school at the beginning of the year. I want to go back and while I am going on a tract I am not 100% happy about… its probably for the best? I can only hope. Now I just need money to pay for it all.

Thats about it… too much and maybe not enough. But there is potential there and I just want to see it thru.

Also, I think Peach yogurt is nasty as heck! Ewwww grossy!

I’m Outta Here

Well, not at this exact moment and not for long. I am just heading up to Denver to get out of town, attend Mile HI Con (Jim Butcher is gonna be there!!!!) and hang out with some friends up there for my birthday – which is tomorrow the 23rd of October!

So, I will see you all when I get back!

Health Care Sucks!

In truth it does… I am in the process of trying to get health insurance on my own. My job doesn’t have enough employees who need health care for us to get into a program and I make too much for the cheap stuff thru the state and UNM (University of New Mexico Health Care Systems) so, I am working towards getting it on my own. With the help of my parents.

I applied and got a letter asking for the last two years records. I was working on obligining that when I received another letter stating I needed the five years and I had to now get a complete physical exam by a Medical Doctor – MD for short – before they will even continue trying to process my application. This includes having to go for a pap smear. Do they even have a clue how much money they are asking me to put out… wait not me, me and my parents.

Here is a little math: Basic exam – $75 – 150 (right out the pocket when I go in), Blood work – to be billed, generally around $50 to $150 per test and I have to get 4, pap smear – $150 at the time of the exam and then I will be billed for the rest which may end up being up to $400 bucks more. So low end we are looking at $425 if I am lucky. Up to… $1,150 if they bill like they normally do. All this to be charged $180 a month to be able to go to the doctors if I get sick.

And this is all in the hopes that they MAY accept me without anything popping up like diabetes, a positive pap smear or anything else they can say – oh we won’t cover that but we will give you insurance because your diabetes is a preexisting condition or your cancer is a preexisting condition. That’s if I am unlucky. If I am lucky, everything will be fine. But we will see. I have had a positive pap in the past – so any of those may automatically be not covered because I may end up having cancer one day and that is too much a liability for them… who has money then someone like me who can is just trying to pay her mortgage each month and hoping I will be lucky enough to get health insurance with no strings attached.

So, why have I gone so long without health care? This is why… its a pain in the ass and an even bigger pain in the wallet. And I am tired of having to go to my parents for help financially to event get what some consider the basics in life like health insurance. I can’t afford it on my own. I could… if I didn’t own the house.

Maybe its time to just sell it? Not bother with any more of the stress that comes with it, reduce my cost of living by 50% and just move into an apartment again. I hate apartments but I don’t know what else to do. I can’t handle getting another job. I don’t want to spend all my time working again – I did that before and I had two nervous breakdowns by the time I was 30 years old. I am 32, will be 33 in two days… I am tired of not being right with the world and everything being out of wack. I am tired of people in politics thinking that getting a national health care program for those of us who don’t have any choices but to spend money we don’t have… not everyone in the world. But I mean if they want to tax our health care already why not give something to the people who need it.

And I wonder why my dinner last night was cake and booze…

Blame the Libra?

I don’t see Astrology as being a science or perfect but see it as more of a way to get some insight into a person. I mean, the time of year you are born can not affect your entire life but I think that it may influence who you are in different ways. If anything its fun to read and see if you can see the right traits. In truth, for the best insight getting your chart done is much better then just reading a description since there are varying attributes based on your birthtime and location as well as the planets and all that stuff…

Unfortunately, I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this since it seems that most of the people I am around see astrology as total BS and stupid. I don’t read my horoscope religiously just whenever its in something I am already reading but I do have some astrology books at home that I pick over when I meet someone new and I find out their birthday. But I do see something to it. I mean as much as totem I guess. Just a little more insight to the world.

Personally, I am a Libra. My birthday is October 23 and while I am a cusp baby and people usually suspect I am a Scorpio. I am a Libra. I had my chart done and thats how I figured it out or someone figured it out for me. Soi, today for some fun I was reading up on some friends signs and figured I would take a gander at my own and check this out – I thought it was kinda creepy funny – from a zodiac website:

Libra Deep Inside:

They are also likely to hide or bend their own true feelings in order to bring peace with a group and to make others like them. Sometime this results in them not really knowing what their true feelings are because they are trying to make everyone happy. Other people can see this and Libras have earned themselves a reputation for being indecisive, they simply do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings or cause disorder or friction in a situation. This spills over inside the person and many times, Libras have difficulty making decisions. Inside, the Libra is very insecure, they suffer from a lack of self confidence, they are always searching for something to complete them. This is another reason why they are social butterflies, it is an unconscious attempt to find the missing peace through other people. By trying to appease other people all the time, Libras don’t really know who they are inside. Libras desperately need love and approval, they will do the favors that people ask and and have a hard time saying ‘no’ or ‘I’m too busy’ in order to prove how nice they are, this gradually builds up resentment and negative self esteem issues inside. Libra’s indecisiveness is caused by fear, their fear that a wrong decision will make everything come crashing down around them and cause turmoil in their lives. Life is not like that and the Libra that acknowledges the fact that life has ups and downs will be less emotionally wound up, not so hard on themselves and as a result, they will be a much happier person

So, I think I am going to blame the Libra instead of my past. Much easier to deal with. 😀

But I know that everything they say is Libra isn’t me. I mean look at this list of traits:

  • Diplomatic / compromising – however possibly manipulative
  • Cooperative
  • Fair / balanced / impartial 
  • Idealistic (in relationships)
  • Charming
  • Easy-going / sociable
  • Indecisive / changeable
  • Peace loving
  • Gullible / influenceable
  • Elegant / graceful
  • Refined / artistic / good taste
  • Pleasure oriented
  • Gentle
  • Sensitive to others
  • Kind
  • Cheerful
  • Romantic
  • Self-indulgent
  • Flirty / frivolous – however loyal in marriage

I see some of myself on there but I mean, you can see yourself on any of them right? I think my main thing is my sense of balance but that can be blamed on having OCD instead of being a libra.

But is there real guidance in there for a relationship? I think so. I have done read ups on past relationships and they were pretty close. There are certain people of certain signs I don’t get along with that well. And you wanna know something funny – 3 of my closest friends are all Gemini’s. One of the signs that LIbra’s supposibly get along with best. They are some of my favourite people to travel with because its easy and relaxed and cohesive.

If there is anything to that then I should be looking for a mate with the possible signs of: Aquarius, Gemini or Libras. I guess that is a good place to start as any.

More on the Libra Here: Astrology.com Libra Sun Sign Central.

Some Good Points

Sooooo, yesterday I wrote about self-worth and trying to pinpoint some things about myself to be proud of. And its still hard.

I mean, I don’t know if my sense of self is really warped or what but I mean I can look in the mirror one day and see absolutely nothing wrong with myself. I mean, I do think I am pretty… damned pretty at times, even sexy. Hell, I am a fat girl who has a strut when I walk. Especially depending on the music I listen to. Its amazing how sexy certain songs can make you feel. I mean like I am sexy and too good for you being spoken by your body when you move. Its kinda sad, I with I had that confidence when it came to speaking to a man… if I can feel sexy while working out to the right song with looking a complete and utter mess and sweating my ass off.

Why can’t I feel that way when I am standing in front of a cute boy or see one I want to talk to? Maybe I can get in implant in my brain that when I need to I can cue up “Bad to the Bone” or some other song that makes me go – hey baby! hubba hubba… and get this smirk on my face that makes someone think I know more then I really do (which is what I have been told it looks like once a long time ago).

But then there are other times when I look in the mirror and want to hide from myself. I think about the way I look and think I am just deformed with lips too poofy and cheeks to chubby. Too much hair, big pores… etc. Stupid eczema… and I just want to cry.

Why I have these switches I haven’t a clue. I am guessing its probably the norm? Do others do this? I sure the hell hope so… be kinda lonely if I was the only other person in the world who felt this way.

So… I guess here is the point where I say some good things about myself, so I don’t keep going on about how crazy I think I am.

I think I have a beautiful smile… I like my mouth. Is that weird? It   seems at times a little small but there is something about my smile I like. And even though my teeth are not perfect, I think they are pretty nice. I like the little bit that they over grow each other on the top center teeth. I mean, I had braces once but I didn’t ever wear my retainer like I was suppose to. I consider my teeth have that imperfectly perfect look to them? Good thing I’m not a model or actress… my agent would probably make me get it all fixed. But in truth, there is one ex in my past who gave me a great complement – and I wished I would think of it more often when I start thinking my mouth is too small… he told me my lips made him want to kiss me. I mean – I don’t have Angelina Jolie lips but who does. Mine aren’t even close but they fit me. And I love them.

Then there are my eyes. Your eyes don’t change over the years. They pretty much stay the same shape and colour (even if they vary by shades from time to time) from the time you come into your eye colour until your old age. But I think my eyes are pretty and I don’t know… expressive? I even like it when they get creepy. I have this photo taken at one of the period in time places that used to be (or may still be) in Underground Atlanta and it was the middle of the summer so I was just a tad tan but when we got the photo I looked like a freak! My skin was so dark in the photo that my eyes looked scary as shit! It makes me giggle even today – 14 years later – when I think about it.

I think I have a good sense of humor. I mean, not when its directed towards me – I don’t like being laughed at. It hurts… a lot. More then anything else sometimes and I can’t explain why. But I love to laugh and I find the strangest things funny even when other people don’t. Maybe some… but I will say its fun getting weird looks at the movie theater because you cracked up when Tom Cruise danced with a corpse on the big screen. I mean, I may not find some blatant things funny and my humor may be pretty damned dark sometimes. But I learned a long time ago to laugh at myself (just not when I am the butt of a joke) but like when I fall and hurt myself. Something my mom and I have passed on to my nephew. I mean, its funny when you are tied to a bungee cord and stretch it to the max and decide to see if you can keep up with it… and learning to fly!

I do at times think I am smart. Not at everything and all the time but in general I am a pretty damned smart person. I like to learn new things and love to research random fancies. I even had a test to prove it – IQ 127. I think one of the hardest things was having someone I consider get upset that my IQ was higher then theirs because they didn’t think I should have such a high IQ with having learning disabilities – because I was suppose to be stupid. Not above average. I took it once and scored average when I was drunk and it was the middle of the night. I can do stupid things but I think just in general I am intelligent but I don’t normally shove it in someones face that I am better then them. I mean my brothers is higher then mine – he is in the genius level I believe. But too often I feel like the stupidest person on the planet. And I know I am not, I just struggle with LD’s that make it harder for me.

So… there I go. Four things I love or at least like about myself. Took me a day or so but I got something. 😀

Worth More Then a Single Chicken?

Please note – this is a highly emotional, very personal post. I would appreciate if any comments you want to make challenging me on the following issues be kept to yourself. Especially if I do not know you in real life. This is me working thru something… and me putting it out there to air out the cobwebs so I can heal.

The other night on my way home from the gym, I stopped by a friends house to pick up a copy of Spiderman 3 and started talking his roommate, another friend of mine. Lets call him “Gracious One” during this blog to protect his identity.I wasn’t expecting to stay for more then a few moments but he said a simple yet direct comment – I don’t understand why you sell yourself short. This then led into about a 3 hour conversation on many different topics, many times leading back to why I have a lack of self worth. In truth, I knew I had moments where my feelings would be down and I would feel I wasn’t good enough but as the “Gracious One” kept talking to me a bit more I started to realize… I really don’t have much if any self-worth. And why? Why do I feel so often I am worth anything or I am just not good enough. Yes, I have stated before – I am worth loving and I do think I am but I don’t think I am worth being loved by anyone good for me. Only someone who isn’t good fod me… just usually makes me feel worse of myself.

I mean having no or low self-worth is nothing new, many women and some men do have this issue. The feeling of worthlessness. That they don’t deserve anything good. We can say, I am worth it but in our true heart of hearts – do we truly believe this? Usually not. And where has this idea of being worth something come from. Can’t we just be happy with who we are and why can’t we just fix it. I wish it was as easy as just fixing it. A lack of self-worth isn’t something that just suddenly happens to you. Its something that has been there usually for a majority of a persons life.

And as we look back in the past – a woman’s true worth in many societies today and days gone by was based on what she could bring to a man. Not emotionally or physcially (other then bearing HIM a male heir because girls weren’t worth anything other then a commodity to marry off to someone who can bring the father more power and less financial strain) but finacially. Hence my title – am I worth more then a single chicken? I sure the hell hope so. I think I am… but does anyone else?

But back to my thoughts on this subject. Why the hell do I have not low self-esteem but low self-worth? And why do I sell myself short? Easy to answer – because its the way I was trained by the people by the people in my life and the people. I felt like I was just never good enough to anyone. In truth, a lot of it isn’t even lack of self-esteem but a frak ton of shame. And that I had to please them instead of making myself happy. I mean why the frak should I feel guilty for saying no to someone? Cause I do… and that leads to all sorts of messed up crap throughout your life.

I am going to talk a bit about why I feel I am just not good enough. (Now, what I say next may seem weird but I do love my brother dearly.) Lets start at home. Now my older brother was – in my opinion – Mr. Perfect. Could do no wrong. Got A’s easily without hardly trying (at least from what I saw), sports were more then natural to him, good looking and everyone wanted to be his friend or his girlfriend. Saver of lives – yes, he actually saved a family from drowning in a lake in their car. Then there was me… I struggled at everything I did. From talking to people to getting semi-passing grades in school. In my mind – I just wasn’t as right as my brother. Nothing broke his stride. And I couldn’t understand how we came from the same parents yet he was so damned good and I was so crappy. Basically I felt like Danny DeVito to Arnold in Twins. And this was always in my mind. Add in the feeling of being a complete and utter idiot because I would have a hard time comprehending written instructions and the more I studied the less I seemed to understand. Then top it with the fact that my brother was the one who gave me the name people teased me with in elementary school… which of course was based on my appreance which helps when you are already a freak. But he did teach me to ride a bike. But in my mind, I felt I had to measure up to him and be like him but I couldn’t. I just wasn’t good enough so I went the opposite direction and tried to stop caring – at least I tried to act like I didn’t. But I still did and do.

I really have no idea how to dig deeper into this and give more information. I have talked about my struggles with dating. So, we won’t go into that right now.

But there were things that happened to me when I was a younger that even though my parents tried to protect me, they couldn’t protect me from. Things that helped me realize I was and still to this day feel broken and worthless. I mean its not their fault that my afterschool caregiver whipped me with a belt for waking a baby that was sleeping downstairs because supposibly I was banging on the attic floor above the room, even though I didn’t do it. No trial there – I was accused and punished. I was the worthless little liar. They couldn’t stop my 6th grade teacher from calling me a “stupid girl” in front of the entire class. They couldn’t stop my body from losing my hearing which created a speech impediment and slight stutter when I was just starting school. Couldn’t stop the perverts or my so-called friends. Or the boys who thought it was funny to act like they liked me then laugh in my face and tell me it was all a joke. And some other things… I can’t talk about those.

And they couldn’t stop me from me… the desire to be accepted so badly by anyone that I would do almost anything to please them. Even if I had no idea what it would do to me. I didn’t know how to say no. I still struggle with that one to this day… the guilt of not making everyone around me happy and saying no. Why I have that guilt, I haven’t a clue. I don’t know of any particular point in my life started me thinking that saying no was wrong.

Making myself happy was less important then making others happy… because in my mind I didn’t matter. And what I experienced told me that.

Its amazing how young that started for me. So young that I really don’t think I ever had a chance to really love myself and accept me for me. So, after 20 some odd years of hiding myself from pain and the ability to love me… how do I change that? Maybe this is the change that I talked about in the last post? Because it seems that lately I have been having a lot of breakdowns due to the I am not good enough attitude. This sure the hell seems more of an important change then making myself more girlie so boys will like me. Or going back to the old me that drank and smoked and a number of other things to numb me from the pain and hatred I felt inside. I am not sure anyone saw that inside of me. I think I hid it well… but the sad thing was, the more i did those things. The more I hated myself and disappeared. I was an emotional wreak.

One of the topics that “Gracious One” and I covered was relationships. And he talked about that there are patterns in all our relationships that we don’t even notice. Is there a pattern for my relationships. Yeah… and it has stemmed over to friendships as well. I have written in the past the guys I have dated ending up with girls the opposite of me. What I didn’t mention was that most of those girls came into their lives when we were still dating. Not all, just some or most. I mean imagine going out of town to visit friends and finding out that your boyfriend was screwing his ex-girlfriend in the week you were gone. But the one common denominator – I dated mostly guys who saw me as an object, a thing. Not a real person. At least I think this is how they saw me. But in many ways they were just wrong. They were the bad boys. The only thing I can pinpoint is that most of them treated me like crap and I let them. I would accept the shit (well, everything but the cheating) they threw my way and just smile. Why? In my opinion, I didn’t deserve any better. If a guy stood me up and wanted to go out again. I would say okay. I never felt I was good enough for any man in my life… Not that I am saying I was perfect. I wasn’t the best person on the field. I called in each of my relationships and always looked for the quick way out of them even if I didn’t want to leave the person. I always had a reason. Cause I didn’t deserve to be happy.

So… I should of asked “Gracious One” how do you fix or start having self-worth. And quite selling yourself short? Cause I don’t have a clue. Do I start with listing the things good about myself? Should be easy… its a very very short list. I mean looking at yourself and saying – this is good about me is easier said then done. Then lets see… what is a positive trait of mine?

…………… I’m tall so I can see over short people?….. ………….I am more senstive then people realize but I don’t think that is a good thing…………………………………………………………………………………….. …………………… …………. I think I will have to come back to this later.