Never Give Up…

…Never Surrender – especially to your own self-doubts.

I almost did this the other night but I am lucky to be married to an amazing man who won’t let me do this to myself anymore. What was I doubting? My ability to be a writer and should I continue. My husband listened to me and told me to not give up. To believe in myself more, because he doesn’t understand why I don’t more.

The doubts – oh, there are so many.

My writing probably sucks
What if I never find an agent?
What if I get panned by reviewers?
What if I just fail?

So, after spending a month attempting to edit at the same time of doing major work on the house, vacationing as well as visiting family… I haven’t had a chance to get a word written. Tonight, instead of continuing my work on the editing I am getting back to writing. I will be spending time each day working on getting my edits done then in the evenings I will work on continuing my novel. In truth, when I was reading it as I edited it I actually enjoyed it. Is it a classic? No, but it is enjoyable.

I do need to find a title for what I am working on. Right now I have a working title of The Bank but it doesn’t really fit the story anymore. I also need to come up with a title for the series it will hopefully be the start of, a series about a group of girlfriends. Kind of like American Girl meets Sweet Valley High meets… am I boring you yet?

Now, it is time for me to get back to it. I ended up finally breaking 30K with the editing of four chapters and fleshing out parts of the story; I am getting ready to finish writing Chapter Eleven then onto Twelve. My end goal is about 70K.

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Back 2 School, Mama!

Here I sit, in the campus library, during my third week of school. I am exhausted, getting over being sick and looking at the books from the two classes I am taking. All the while feeling completely overwhelmed already but at the same time satisfied with being here. My parents are almost always shocked to hear about how much I love being in school now because I was a horrible student when I was younger and hated having to go. In fact, I probably missed more of my classes then I attended because I could care less by the time I reached my senior year. I had learned that I didn’t matter after I got tested for LD’s (learning disabilities) and I really didn’t care. I knew I was going nowhere in my life.

Enough of the self-pitying. It took years for me to come to the conclusion that I wanted to get my degree, no matter what. It hasn’t been easy. It took me eighteen years to get my Associates Degree, as well as attending five or six different community colleges in three different states, and I am now working towards my Bachelors. It also took me that long to realize that I wanted to get a degree in something I loved. I could care less about getting a degree in something that would guarantee me a big paycheck. As well as the fact, that I wanted to be able to get into a field where I could hopefully work around my child/ren lives, and not them live around mine.

My biggest hurdle was that this semester I was going to have to put my Son into daycare if I was going to continue working towards my degree. My hubs and I had long conversations. I wanted to just give up and stay at home with Son and any future children, I didn’t need a degree right? He pushed me and encouraged me to keep going. Son is almost a year and a half, he has spent his entire life up to now with just me. It will possibly be another year and a half before we can even comprehend having another kid. He needed to be around other children, to learn to socialize with kids his own age. I know there are some out there that consider my decision to go back to school as a selfish act, because I am putting that above taking care of my Son. Hell, I feel that way as well but I keep reminding myself that getting my degree will hopefully benefit him one day as well. He is also seeing that education is important because I am studying with him and in front of him. That as long as you have a dream, you can fulfill it no matter what your age or barriers that come up. My barriers were self-inflicted: I never thought I was worth the work to get a degree. I felt I was no one special so why try. Just like in relationships, my lack of self-love was hidden behind a false front of confidence (I didn’t need no one or anything to make me happy) when I was dying inside. I don’t want my son to grow up seeing that in a woman… a self-hatred, lack of self-respect. I want him to see me as a strong woman, who works like crazy for her dream.

Yes, I am giving up three days a week with him… well, partial days but our time together now is more precious. For three days a week, it is just me and him. On Saturday and part of Friday, its only daddy who exists. I am also giving up time with my husband. We now only have one day a week together because of my school schedule but those days are more about us being a family then me being with Son while Daddy works around the house. Hubs gets Fridays while we are at school to work and get things done. By the time we get home… we can be together. Saturday we can go out. Or they go out and I stay at home and study. Its working, it’s not easy but it works for us in the hopes that one day we can take bigger vacations together and show our child/ren the world, or get them into better schools, help them with activities, etc.

I also look at the benefits of Son being in school; I say school not daycare because they do learning time even if it’s a very broad amount of learning. In less than two weeks, his language skills are getting better (he says bye now), he is learning to wash his hands, put on his shoes, drink from a cup, serve himself food, etc. The school is also on campus, which helps me feel more secure. If something happens, I can be there within two minutes from anywhere on campus. He has an actual teacher who leads his classes, and comes up with lesson plans as well as at least four other ladies he can flirt with while he is there. He listens better than before, though he is still a handful, and like I said this is just after two weeks of classes. Maybe it sounds like I am justifying myself and in a way I am because I want to make sure he is happy. Yes, we have gone from not caring that mommy is even the room to screaming when I leave; but it doesn’t last long and when he takes his naps, we have a ton of fun when we get home. Some days there are screaming fits, especially when he is over tired and he is constantly wanting to be outside now but he sleeps better than ever (actually tries getting into his crib himself).

So, here I sit, wondering still if I am doing the right thing for our family and the answer will always be yes. We have goals for our family and to reach them, I need to be able to attend school. But I couldn’t do it without the support I get my Hubs. One of the benefits of marrying one of your closest friends, is you know that they always wanted the best for you and always will. While yes, we have to sacrifice time as a family and some alone time so I can study, we see it as being worth it. I lucked out with my Hubs cause he believes in me in a way that I wish I could believe in myself. Guess I need to take the time and look at myself through his eyes more often.

the right guy?

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

More Workouts and Fears…

Okay, so I know I didn’t post my last few workouts but things have been a bit crazy health wise. Seems like my body is wanting for me to not complete this mission and I had a horrible disappointment when we did my body fat measurements and found out I went 0.8% in the last three months. I am suppose to be going DOWN not UP! So it will soon be time for a complete overhaul of my workouts…

Its even sadder since I have increased my cardio in the past few months even though there have been struggles with side stitches, cramps, pulled muscles, etc. So, obviously I am not getting the best workout I need to. And a complete and total frustration I might add. I did spend a good portion of my Wednesday even in tears and fighting my desire to just quit. I’m not going to but its hard not to. There is a very loud voice in my head that seems to want me to find reasons to fail and screaming very very loudly for me to to do just that.

I have been posting on my 300 boards about this and one of my wonderful friends over there linked me to an article about muscle catabolism… when you have more negative than positive agents working in your system. Seeing as I haven’t been sleeping well for the last few months and my stress levels are uber high with being constantly on the go… my brain is working against me in so many ways.

I spoke with my trainer – well texted cause I was crying and couldn’t talk. We will be sitting down and making a workout program for me to follow to get the best workout possible. I am tired of failing at things in life – seriously failing. I have failed in pretty much every way you can imagine but I do not want to fail in this one.

Its hard though because there are a lot of workouts I want to do but I don’t because I either don’t want to look foolish in front of complete strangers, am afraid to do them alone because I don’t know what I am doing or am unsure of myself. Next to my sense of failure this sense of just being unsure is excruciating. I don’t like asking for help and I should, I just don’t. This is something I have had to deal with my entire life. I just need to maybe write on something “Fortune Favors the Bold” and just realize, I’m not the only one out there feeling this way. Seriously, some workout magazine needs to do an article on overcoming your fears at the gym. Its hard.

So, I will no longer be doing 15 reps but more sets at 12 reps each, and 3 or 2 sets where I need to. Here are my workouts from the last few days (please not that the use of a number w m behind it is minutes, not miles and my way of recording is 2 x 12 @ 60# – is 2 sets of 12 reps at 60 pounds. If I adjust the weight during my sets I don’t put a # there at all…)

3.10.09 Workout:
16m – intervals, 1m walk, 1m run
had to stop and stretch my hip, it killing me like crazy right now. As is my knee.
15m – walking, 3.5, incline 3

3.11.09 Workout:

Warm Up
12m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosttrainer, Resistance 6
Stretching

Workout
20 @ 40 – ISO Lat Chest Press
10 @ 60 – ISO Lat Chest Press
12 @ 50 – ISO Lat Chest Press
15 @ 40 – ISO Lat Chest Press
20 @ 30 – ISO Lat Chest Press
2 x 12 – Kettle bell raise with dumbbell, right arm
2 x 12 – Kettle bell raise with dumbbell, left arm
15 – push ups on knees at incline
10 – push ups on knees on floor
3 x 12 @ 15 – bicep curls
3 x 12 @ 30 – tricep curls
1 x 15 @ 10 – bicep curl
1 x 15 @ 15 – bicep curl
2 x 20 – Jack knives with 5# medicine ball

that was it… my shoulder gave on me during the push ups on the floor. no cardio either because my hip, knees and calves were still hurting from yesterday.

3.12.09 Workout:

Warm Up
11m – Elliptical Crossramp, Interval, Resistance 8
lots and lots and lots and lots of stretching

Toning – each pair I went back and forth with one set with one then a set on the other, back and forth
4x 12 @ 60# – Seated Row
4 x 12 @ 35# – Chest Press

3 x 12 @ 70# – Lat Pulls
2 x 12 @ 25# – Lat Raises

25 – Stability Ball Crunches

4 x 12 @ 95/100/95/90 – Seated Leg Press, Feet placed high to get a more back of the leg workout
3 x 12 @ 75/80/75/70 – Seated Calf Press (this one hurt like the dickens but I wanted to get SOME leg work in today)

75 – Stability Ball Crunches (15 w/ 5# medicine ball)

20 – Incline Mason Twists w/ 5# Medicine Ball

That is it. It is Friday and Fridays are my days off from working out. I am going out for the evening and hope to relax some before heading into work tomorrow morning.

Just Another Day in Paradise

I have been attempting to have a positive, light hearted attitude and not let my doubts and worries overcome me. I will say, its damned hard and I wish it burned calories for me because I feelt like I am in an uphill battle.  I can be skipping along (metaphorically speaking) and then bam, one little thing and its doubt city.

And then my courage fails. Well, whatever courage I still have. Most of it is hiding in the kitchen pantry and has been for years. I can close my eyes and seee myself going and walking past that cute cop or being all sexy and seductress like but then I open my eyes and just freak out thinking – like hell I will.

So, I push it all back and don’t worry about it since I’m not gonna do it anyways, it doesn’t matter. Right? WRONG! It does… But enough of this crap… I just want to be secure in someones affections outside of the family. And sometimes I just screw things up royally when I let my instincts flow and a dying friendship is completely killed because I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I am going to test myself in the coming days. Go against my fear and see what happens. BTW, any guys reading this – do not decide if something is fair for a girl in words of a relationship. Maybe she knows it and is still willing to give it a go.

As for the rest of my life – I am back in school and I am doing okay. Love the Western Civ class. English is going to kill me I think but my first grade in the class wasn’t bad. It could of been worse, it could of been better but I messed up on the assignment and didn’t have any time left to finish it so I had to turn it in half-assed and hoped for the best. I got a 38 out of 50 points, which is about a 78/C. It was an assessment test to see if I should retake English 101 or what. I got a better grade then the two people sitting next to me who took English 101 last semseter and finished early. I’m gonna take that as a good thing…

Lets see, what else. I am getting ready for my cruise. I leave in about 12 days. It seems like a long time but its not! Especially when you still need to buy your clothes and pack and find time to get waxing done! Yes, I said waxing! Boo! Girls wax! OMG! lol… But seriously, my time is just really rare now a days. I have only one real day off each week and that is Sundays. This Sunday is packed, next Sunday is packed (thank you Steelers!) and then no other days between that. So, I am trying to find the time to make sure I get everything in before I leave… My poor cat is going to hate me when I come back. This will be my 3rd trip in less then two months. But I am sure she will survive. Hopefully, if she doesn’t somone is going to pay. OH! And I need to find time to make myself some easily packed and wearable clothing for the trip. Some simple pants and shirts. Yeah, cause I’m not busy enough?

Not much else is going on. Doing some writing when I can find the time and inspiration. Which isn’t often but it happens. No one has told me I need to get married (outside of my own traitorous brain) in the past few weeks, so that is always good to not have that pressure on me as well.

Thats it for now… toodles!

Weight Loss Woes

I am damned sexy and any man would be lucky to have me! I know its true, you know its true… so why don’t guys figure that out until its too late? Seriously, they do. Damn them all! lol…

But none of that today. Today is just a general post about my working out and possibly some school stuff, since that started this week.

I have been working on losing weight for about 8 months now and it has been a hard ass struggle so far. On average I should be able to lose about 2 lbs a week, I am averaging about 5lbs per month. On the whole I have lost about 40lbs and mky weight just struggles and struggles to come off and it is a bit tiring. Its hard to like yourself when you hear how fast people are loosing weight and how easy it is for them. Hence, why I have stopped watching infomercials. Those things can be killer on your self-esteem. I lost 40lbs in 8 weeks!

I know I have lost weight and dress, shirt and pants sizes. I am down about 3 sizes now, maybe 4. I work my ass off at the gym each time I go. Okay maybe 98% of the time I go but I am starting to get frustrated. I do ab work every time I see no real changes there. It looks in the same shape. I work and it hurts but in the morning or a few hours there is no pain. So, the question is – am I working out hard enough. How can I know?

I know my trainer has been pushing me and says I am doing great but I don’t feel that way. If I had done as well as I could I would be under 200# by now. Is it because I am not starving myself with my diet. Eating small portions and not always getting the salad at dinner and order a hamburger cause that is what I am hungry for. I refuse to do that and maybe that is my problem. I satisfy my cravings. Now, I don’t go gung how and eat an entire container of ice cream in a siting. Heck I haven’t had ice cream in over a month.  And its not easy but I do it. I don’t eat as many carbs as I want but I still eat like a normal non-dieting person. Not alot, I stay within my calorie margin I believe and watch what I put into my mouth. I eat a lot of salads.

Why won’t I crash diet? Well, basically I want to be able to continue to eat normal and still loose weight. So that when I get to my goal I will be able to eat a normal diet and not gain it all back. Its hard and yes, it is meaning slower results but I am looking in the long run. I have done weight watchers and Jenny Craig but I have failed on both of them. Big time and ended up gaining all the weight back plus more in the end.

But what I would really like to do is go to the doctors and see if there is anything medically that needs attention. I have a feeling I may have a disorder that is part of the reason I gained weight (other then the major snacking and crap eating) as fast as I did and part of why its coming off slowly.

I trust my trainer. He knows what I eat and he doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong. He sees what I eat when I go out to dinner and usually gives me an okay on certain foods. Yes, I do text him when I am out from time to time to discuss my options. He is a good trainer and friend.

So where am I now? Well, heavier then I want to be but getting there. I don’t want to take an entire year from now to loose the last 70lbs to my goal. So what do I need to do? not change my diet… but increase my cardio during my workouts. Not take a day off of cardio just because I am tired and don’t want to even if I have time, like I did last night. But go ahead and do it.

Why won’t I diet more? Well, I like food. I like to eat out. I don’t like to deprive myself of things that bring me joy in life when I can adjust a little – like going protein style on a really goodd burger instead of not having the burger at all? Not having fries but having a salad and stealing one from my friends plate during dinner if I feel the need for one.

Am I succeeding, yes? Yes I am and in my own long ass hard way. I am stubborn what can I say and it seems that my body took up my mentality. 😀

So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…

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in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?