Yes, I am still alive…

Well, I am still in Las Vegas visiting the familia. Today my parents head into town… But there is a part of me that just wants to go home. I miss my home. And sadly, I miss my friends. Its stupid I know.

I just think about how much my life is going to change when I get back from my next trip – next week and head back to school. In truth, I am scared shitless to be heading back to school. Worried I will fail once more at this. That  I won’t have time to make everyone in my life happy with me because I will be taking time for myself and not for them. That I won’t have time to spend with people I want to spend time with because I will have to concentrate on school… and if I will throw school away because it takes too much from the other parts of my life. And what if I am just not smart enough anymore? I know dumb right? To fear having gotten dumb over the years?  I’m not saying I am stupid or dumb, just not up to school anymore. And what if I am taking the wrong path once again? But I just have to swallow these fears and deal with it the best I can. Put my head down and charge away. And hope for and work towards the best outcome possible… but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe I am taking one too many classes.

As for everything else… its been a bit difficult here. Well, one day at least when my brother started talking to me about getting married and have kids. I know he was trying to be a good big brother. But I don’t need another reminder of how alone I am. I mean, I know that one day someone will want me. Even if the person I want right doesn’t feel the same way, one day someone will? Right? I sure the hell hope so but I know I am getting tired of waiting for something to happen.

And I am sorry but its not me. I am not a stylish, worried about my hair, wearing make up all day long person. I truthfully feel that I can enhance who I am but not hide my true self. Even my workout clothes weren’t good enough. God forbid I wear something comfortable like a t-shirt while working out. I am at the gym to WORKOUT not to find my future husband. I have enough on my head being concerned about looking like a fat idiot while walking on the treadmill without worrying if my hair is out of order because some guy might take an interest in me only because I look a particular way and don’t sweat. I mean, bloody hell. I am not sure if anyone knows who I am.

Okay, enough of this, its not that big of deal. I know my brother is just trying to help. He wants me to be happy but I wish he would take more time to understand who I am and what I am not. I’m tired… Truth be told, I did think I meet someone I could be with long term not too long ago but like all the others in my life – he didn’t want me for anything but a friend. Shocker that!

But otherwise, things are going good. I am spending time with my nephew, had a good Christmas and been annoying the hell out my trainer. I haven’t had a chance to do everything I want since I am trying not to spend too much money (which is harder then it seems and my money is disappearing like crazy) and most of my alone time to go out is me heading to the gym to kick my own ass for a few hours. So, what if I only gambled one night away. Meh, no biggie… I’m not here to meet someone. I am here for family and all that jazz.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday week!

Almost Christmas!

Well, its almost Christmas and my pocketbook is slowly empting of its cash as I continue to buy presents for one and all… the one being myself and the all being the rest of my family! lol. In all seriousness, its been a hectic few weeks. The store at work is getting ready to shut down and I am working as hard as I can to stay on my diet, not freak out over expenses, getting sad over being gone for two weeks and not being able to train, and more.

But I am really looking forward to seeing my nephew and hanging out with him for two weeks. Celebrating Christmas with a kid is really exciting and fun. Especially now that he is getting older and understanding more about the fun of Christmas. I actually got a text from him this morning asking me if I was going to be there for his birthday (which is on the 1st of January) and got to text back and forth with him for awhile. Yeah, I know – he is four years old, going on five, and knows how to text. I barely knew how to write and he is holding his own on a text convo with a 33 year old! Plus being told I love you by the most important person in your life 5 times in a row feels really damned nice.

As for the rest of it… I think I have offically gotten old again when I realized, there is nothing I really want for Christmas. Oh, I’m sure one of my friends would say that I want to know what he kisses like for Christmas and that would be partially true – but I think he thinks that I always want to know what he kisses like and I don’t, sometimes I think about pizza.

In truth, there really isn’t anything I am like – I HAVE TO HAVE THAT! I figure if the people in my life want to get me something, they know me well enough to know what I want and like. Hell, I have a list on, actually I have several lists. But that doesn’t always mean anything. Those are just things. I can buy myself things, but there are things I want I really can’t get from someone. I mean – I want to have things happen in my life and changes I want that I can’t get from anyone really. At least no one in my life would be willing to give me.

Can I say something… I had a really interesting evening last night. I said something a few nights ago that was really stupid and of course, I beat myself up about it and the person I said it to was like whatever, blah blah think whatever you want I don’t care blah blah. But I wonder – why am I so hard on myself all the time? I know it frustrates the hell out of my friends. Who I don’t understand why they think I am good for anything at all…

I mean I know I suck to the extreme most of the time and a good amount of time I don’t even think I am worth enough to even continue to exist (these are pleasent thoughts right before Christmas, aren’t they?) but why am I so hard on myself? And why do I think so little of myself? I mean I have done crap things over the years and I realized last night – I have never forgiven myself for a majority of them. I think a part of me thinks that if I forgive myself, I would have to truely truely face myself and think I am worth something… and in truth that can be damned scary as hell to think is true.

Isn’t that stupid? That I am scared to think I am worth something? There are times I like myself but most of the time I just don’t think I deserve anything good in my life. But how long can I go on punishing myself? If I keep doing it, I don’t think anyone would ever be able to love me for me. Because if you can’t love yourself… why would anyone want to take the time to love you?

So, maybe for Christmas this year, I need to give myself the one thing I need more then anything else in the world. To be able to forgive myself. But am I good enough for that? I feel like I need someone to hold me and say, yes its okay to forgive yourself. That no matter what, you are forgiven and its okay to leave it behind and see yourself in a good light. I should be able to do that on my own but I can’t seem to be able to. And I want to…

Should I be able to stand in the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself, I’m sorry and say I forgive you? Maybe…

What are your wishes for the holidays?

Nothing Too New and Exciting…

Just a general update, there isn’t much new and exciting going on in my life right now. Things are a little crazy and busy but that isn’t anything new. My life is always a little crazy. Heck, I’m a little crazy!

We are about 2.5 weeks away from Christmas and I am looking forward to it. Unfortunatly, I will be spending Christmas away from my parents again this year and will be heading to Las Vegas to celebrate it with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. I always look forward to heading to Las Vegas, there is something about the area I really like and its not just the casinos. I spend most of my time on the outskirts of the city near henderson in the regular people world. Not the casino area. And its really nice. Laid back, relaxed and nice.

What I want to do is figure something out for New Years Eve. I know there has to be a few parties going on and I want to do something more then I did last year, which was sit in a hotel room with the familia and watch Law & Order. I can’t do any heavy partying and staying out late since the following day is my nephews bday which means its his day. And his very firm on his entire family that can be there, will be there with him. I don’t know where he gets his stubborness from at all? lol…

But other then that, I am just preparing myself for the upcoming year. I have decided to head back to school once more and I have three classes on my list for the semester: Analytic Writing, Western Civilization I (a history class on pre-middle ages civilization) and Intro to Sociology. Not much right? Yeah… I think I may end up shooting myself come the end of April. But I want to get my degree and my work has agreed to work around my school schedule to allow me this. My sociology class will be taken online though. So, two classes on Monday & Wednesday during the day then the one online.

The hardest part will be when I go on my vacation to the Caribbean at the beginning of February. I guess I could of cancelled my vaca but I didn’t take a real one this year because I knew I was heading out of town in Feb. So, we will see. I will contact my teachers and talk to them about it. Maybe they will work with me. I mean, I have two full days on the water with nothing much to do. I can do homework on vacation. I won’t like it – but I will do it. Cause I want a freaking piece of paper, damnit!

Lets see… love life – still non-existant. Curious – have you ever met someone that you felt a deep connection with but still felt it wasn’t right? But I have been having more thoughts on what I want the future Mr. Varza.

Has anyone been into me then?

So, I picked up the book “he’s just not that into you” last night… I’m sure you have heard of it – either from the Sex and the City episode (which is what helped the book take off), the upcoming movie with Drew Barrymore et al or you have read or know someone or heard of the book.

Basically, its a book written by a guy, Greg Behrendt, and a woman, liz tuccillo, about the most common sense thing – there are ways of telling that a guy isn’t really into you. Mainly, if you have to do all the damned  work, he cheats on you, doesn’t call and all those other things that we spend hours upon hours discussing and disecting and worried and stressing over.

I picked it up mainly because I had heard somethings about it  and I was curious, how would I know a guy isn’t that into me. I meant, I have know for a long while why most guys don’t approach me right? I mean according to my brother, who I trust immensly, its cause of the attitude I put off. That I don’t need no man and that I am slightly intimidating to guys. Right? No… now I know this isn’t the case.

I have spent the majority of my dating years being the one to pursue the relationships with guys. Being the one to ask out to make the first move, etc… why? well, because until I did no one would even express any interest in me. And the ones who did – well, it was usually a joke for him and his friends. So, I started pursuing and sometimes I had a guy pursue me. Sadly, looking back a majority of those who pursued me ended up cheating on me.

I am about half way thru the book and I have spent just as much time crying. I was just getting to the point to realize there is nothing wrong with me, that I am deserving of love and happiness. I kept telling myself this over and over and over again then comes along this book and I realize… has anyone ever really been into me? This guy says, if a guy wants you he wants you and will pursue you. You will become a priority in their life. They won’t stand you up, they will not cheat on you, they will treat you with respect, call you, ASK YOU OUT, etc… not really much of what I have experienced.

I am 33 years old… I have dated a good bit most of them, okay all of them, pretty much failures. The last guy I was involved with it took me 3 years of not letting up and finally talking him into more then just a friendship to have us not do anything, because he didn’t want anyone to know. Not that into me? Yeah, I think so. And this was a simiular case to many others.

So, this book has opened my eyes in many ways but not in the best of ways. Maybe? I mean, I look back – every dance I ever went to in high school was because I asked someone, no one ever asked me or even expressed interest in asking me. 19 times out of 20 that I expressed interest in a guy or went out with a guy, its because I asked and/or called them. I did all the heavy lifting… and those few 1 out of 20 guys that came after me… in the end usually cheated on me. Not more then once – that I am aware of – because I wouldn’t take that shit from no one cause I knew if a guy liked me or even cared about me in the slightest, they would not do that to me.

If a guy isn’t into you if: he doesn’t pursue you, cheats on you, lies to you, etc – what does that make me? Completely and utterly not desirable by any man out there? And this is why I have been crying since last night. I want to be desired, to be pursued but I don’t know how that is going to happen if it hasn’t happened yet? I mean, I don’t want to do the work and this guy is telling me I shouldn’t have to. If a guy wants me he will do it… I mean, I have done what this guy says – walk away, a guy who isn’t into me isn’t worth my time, energy or effort. And all I have gotten was more time alone.

Sadly, I am getting the answers to my questions, its just not making me feel that great. But I will say, I am happy I am realizing this crap finally. I mean I know it. These are the things I want from someone… to be pursued, have them call me to just talk to me, to ask me out, to touch me because they want to touch me, to kiss me because they just can’t help themselves, to not give me excuses because they don’t want to hurt my feelings (I would rather have the truth, really I would it hurts less then being confused), to not be cheated on, to be made to feel worthwhile. In truth, I think I am…

Is this book good and should every woman read it? Yes, I think so. I am happy I made this purchase. Its better then any other dating book I have picked up. Books by experts, magazine articles, etc… this is a run of a mil guy (okay a comedian) who is telling it straight foreward without beating around the bush or giving you excuses on why a guy doesn’t want to make out with you for hours on end even though you want to.

It will make my life easier and I wish I would of read it years ago and not wasted so much time on guys who really weren’t into me to begin with. Seriously, how much time have I wasted? I just hope that sooner or later, a guy who is into me will actually come along and well, be into me.

And now I don’t have to worry about the guy I am attracted to, I know now he isn’t into me, won’t ever be into me and I can just enjoy his friendship. No matter how much I want to kiss him, I know he doesn’t want to kiss me. Because if he did – nothing, not even some imaginary line he created, would stop him. And now I can pinpoint to my guy friends who say differently, that he just isn’t that into me and while it sucks I am okay with it. Really I am because one day someone will be. At least that is my hope.