Hey! You Still Alive Lady!?

(this was originally written on 9-26-09 so its old news but I guess I didn’t hit publish, so no need to read it if you know all about my love life crap already)

Yes, yes I am! But life has just been in a transitional phase for me lately and let me give you a little run down.

I have stated in the past year or so that I was ready for a relationship and what not and yes, I got slammed by some people saying you don’t need anyone you can be happy on your own blah blah blah. And I was happy on my own but I also knew I was ready emotionally and mentally for a true blue relationship. Just over a year ago I stated this… and now, now I am with someone who makes me extremely happy. Now, I just have to say – this person is not new in my life. This is someone who I have been attracted to over a course of several years but I never thought I had a chance with – in fact, I tried to pursue it but things just never seemed to happen. The timing was never right… but suddenly, everything fell into place.

And here is why – I realized I was truly ready to let go of the past and move on. I was ready to fully give myself to someone 100%… and after thinking about what I really wanted, I realized that what and who I wanted was already in my life. He was just waiting for me to wake the hell up and really see what was standing in front of me for the past 6 years. Hell, according to him I was the only one not aware of it.

So, am I happy… hell’s yes. More then I could ever imagine. It just sucks that he isn’t closer.

Now, I do not regret not getting together sooner. I look at it as a positive. I have major major trust issues with guys and when you meet someone and then have to build up that trust in a romantic relationship – its not easy. I had 6 years of learning to trust this man and know that he was there for me and I also know that he walked into this relationship seeing my crazy side several times over. It makes it easier to get thru some of the rough patches because we know its worth fighting for and working through. Especially in a long distance relationship when it would be so easy to walk away from something just because there was a misunderstanding… we are using our friendship as a true building block to something more.

I can’t speak for him… I can only speak for myself. And I am not wholey comfortable opening up but I wanted to share this because some of you have been there watching as I struggled to open myself up to something real and go from hiding and being angry to seeing that I was ready to move on. I wanted it known – that when you really are ready, something amazing and beautiful can happen to you.

Now, to see where this goes… this is a journey I am so happy to be on.

I Push and I Push…

…until the person I am pushing finally walks away then I cry and hate myself for a good long while. Then I get up and redo this cycle over and over again. I have been doing it for about half my life now.

I do not know exactly why I do it. I just so. I try not to but I can’t help myself. I have gone to therapy and all they say is stop doing it. We haven’t ever figured out why I do it… and how exactly can I stop.

This is coming from a latest round of heated discussions with a friend of mine, who in my opinion has been closing himself off more and more recently and I frakking hate that. Part of it is my fault for pushing too hard – pushing for him to go away and pushing to hard to keep him near.

I have this problem – I am not an independent woman who can make myself happy. My happiness goes hand in hand with my relationships with other people. In truth, this is one of the reasons why I cut myself off from people. I am fine on my own without  a lot of people in my life but bring someone in that I can care about it and I will smother not just them but myself in the process of trying to change who I am to please them. I will freely admit, I am not good for the people I am close to. I can be clingy and desperate for the approval from people I care about. To the point that I will do anything to please them… this has been a curse my entire life. I do not know why but it has caused me a huge amount of pain since I was a child.

And it has caused me pain in relationships. I will freely admit that the failure of a majority of my relationships was my fault. Stemming mainly from my desire to not have people angry or upset with me and my desire to make them happy and in the process making myself unhappy because I would smother my own personality to try to keep someone happy. This is because I understand that I have a very large personality – a bit overwhelming at times. Too overwhelming and it is hard to keep people around when you do because well, people don’t like it.

This has just been my experience. If I am myself – weird, crazy, insane, loud, obnoxious with over the top “let me be wacko’ personality that can be (when I allow it) an extremely extraverted person… guys don’t want to date you, girls for the most part hate you. See, I learned early on that if you want a person to date you – you have to be docile and not independent and definatly not over the top.

Why do I think this? Well up to the age of 17, I was fine at being myself. Loud and crazy and just wacko… but I got tired of not being able to get dates. See guys didn’t want to date me – there were a few here and there but they weren’t around for a long time. Generally, once they got to know me a bit better they would disappear. Even the good ones. It didn’t help that my best friend for most of this time was the perfect girl that all the guys wanted to date – especially the guys I liked. Which sucked big time. I also had a hard time making friends… according to the rumors at school I was the class slut, even though I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a rumor started by another “good friend” and unfortunately, no one took the time to get to know me and based their knowledge of me on this rumor. I am sure some of them believe it was truth still to this day… sad I know.

So, I became what people thought I was… because no one gave a shit otherwise… I hated myself for this. I still do. I used to be a strong woman but over the years, the fear of being alone have made me weaker and weaker. I want people to get close but to get them to be close I weaken myself… and then hate both of us for me doing it.

This is not saying I am not a strong woman… I am, I mean hell I have been to hell in back several times over in my life time and lived to tell the tale. But when it comes to relationships, I am so damned desperate for approval I weaken myself and then hate myself for it. I will do anything and everything for someone I care about just to make sure that I do not disappoint them. And in the end disappoint myself because I am not being me in many cases.

I do not know exactly who I am or who I will be one day but I do know I am damned tired of not being myself just to make other people want to be around me. I want to get back to the person I was before… and I will.

So, why do I push – because its a security mechanism. I push people out of my life who have the potential to hurt me. Like putting your hand into the fire… you take it back out because its harmful. I see my relationships with some people as such: I put my hand into the fire then realize that wasn’t a smart thing to do. I am not saying these people are harming me for real… sometimes a walk through fire can be cleansing… symbolically. But I fear the pain that being close to someone can bring me so I push them away and hurt anyways. Stupid? Yep… I hurt myself no matter what but its a hurt I can control. I can be the one to cause the pain, I can control it instead of not controlling the pain that I know someone else will cause. Because in my mind they will cause me pain.

Everything I do, I do it to myself… and I hate myself for it afterwards. I have a lot of self-loathing because I feel like I am going about life all wrong. And not just one or two things wrong but everything. Relationships, working, school, life in general.

Society seems to paint us this picture as how life is suppose to be if you are to successful and happy and like everything else – I do not fit that mold. Life is not a romance novel, people do not fall in love in a few days, weeks or months. Sometimes yes – but not everyone. Its not like the movies where everything fits into place and we all walk into the sunset with everything in place. Its not like tv where the crimes are always solved, justice served and problems fixed in twenty four minutes (30 if you add in the commercials).

Here is what I am going to say I know about me: I am worth caring about and loving… but I am a challenge for anyone who wants to take it up. I will scratch and fight, hug and kiss, hate and love all in a single breathe. If someone wants to love me – they will but it will be hard for awhile on both of us because I am full of fear that I am trying to learn to live and deal with. I am afraid that there is no one out there who will want to take up this challenge of loving me. I am hard to love – even my parents will admit that – but only because I have up a ton of walls and I am scared to let people in. And I am crazy… but that is another story.

The thing is… I have in the past not pushed but when I know a seperation will be coming, instead of enjoying every moment with that person I unknowning start to push… because I am upset they will hurt me. I have no desire to stop it because I want the people I care about to be happy and if that means them going some place else, then so be it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, it hurts having a friendship with someone I care about and knowning it will end in a few months time and that the friendship will most likely end for good, and that hurts. Because I can not control it… and I don’t want to but at the same time? You get the general idea.

So, yesturday sucked big time and I screwed up a friendship. If it is a permenant screw up – I don’t know but I feel weird and akward. I just want to run and hide from it. To not acknowledge how I keep messing up something good in my life.

the right guy?

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

Just Another Day

Its another Friday and as per usual I am stuck at work. Its been a crazy week… really really crazy week.

I got my last paper back from my teacher in my Analytical Writing class… 98. I really have no clue how I am getting these grades. I never got grades like this back in the day. I know I talk about it alot but I am surprised. I was an below average student. I graduated high school with barely a 2.5 gpa and my only college choice was the local community college. Which I did a semester in before quitting.

Lets see what else… my past week was stressful for health concerns. I found a lump in my breast last week – after waiting a few days before calling the doctors to make sure it wasn’t just a swollen gland. But luckily, after going to the docs and my first ever mammogram – I am clean and cancer free. What it is is a cystic fiber – something or another. Basically a bunch of fibers that formed a cyst that will go away with lack of caffeine. And I have been drinking a lot of caffeine lately – which helps make these little buggers. But I didn’t tell the world until now because I didn’t want to have to contact everyone and say – hey I found a lump and then a week later say – oh it was nothing but a stupid cyst. But in truth, its still scary. I was stressed to the max and my mom tried to console me but it doesn’t always help. I just wanted to know.

I sold my kilt – it had gotten to big for me… I am using some of the money to buy new t-shirts because most of mine are now also too big for me. I can wear a large now – its tight and fitted but I think it looks good. I don’t really know. Guess I will find out when I get it in. I mean, I can’t buy babydolls yet but I prefer the mens style shirts anyways. Oh and the rest is to pay bills off… I always have bills to pay off.

My workouts have been kinda blah… I took Monday and Thursday off and part of me does not want to go to the gym tonight but just go to the movies right after work instead. But I will go and do something. I have no idea what but I have to do something. I am down another lb this week though. So, yeah! But psychologically I am utterly beat and don’t want to think about anything. But if I go today I can take Sunday off…

With work, stress about school, trying to find money for school and everything else – I just need to escape. And even though I love my Sims 2 – its just not doing it right now. I recently started playing again just to get away from my real world and into a fake world where I can control everything and give my fake people lots and lots of fake mulla and build them big houses!

But I got notice that my day for class sign up for the summer is coming up. I figured out which classes I am going to take during the summer session – a science and lab. We will see if I get into the anatomy and physiology class like I want to. I do need to spend sometime this weekend appliying for finanical aid and hope to the gods that I actually get it. I am afraid I may make too much and they don’t take into account that I have a hellasious mortgage but as always, we will just have to see.

I have some other things I want to talk about but will do that another day… I need to eat lunch.

Workouts this week – as per usually the m stands for minutes, # for pounds:

3-21-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 2.5mph

3 x 15 @ 40# – Rear Delt
3 x 15 @ 60# – Fly
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Abductions
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Adductions

25m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8

3-22-09, Sunday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, Intervals

Round 1
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 2
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, rolling hills, 4.0mph

Round 3
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 4
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# +bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 5
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
15m – treadmill, intervals inclines, 3.5mph

3-24-09, Tuesday

20m – Elliptical Crossramp, Intervals, Resistance 8
1 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Extensions
3 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Curls
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine
10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals

yeah I know its really short but oh well, it was a long day. I had to go for some testing early yesturday morning and I was just beat.  This was the day I went for the mam.

3-25-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Incline 5

4 x 10 @ 60# – Smith Squats
4 x 12 @ bar only – underhanded row – freeweights
4 x 12 @ 10# weights – lat raises
1 x 15 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
3 x 10 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
4 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – stability ball chest press
4 x 10 @ 20# barbell – curls
4 x 20 sec – curls
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep
4 x 20 sec – reverse crunches
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep

Just Another Day in Paradise

I have been attempting to have a positive, light hearted attitude and not let my doubts and worries overcome me. I will say, its damned hard and I wish it burned calories for me because I feelt like I am in an uphill battle.  I can be skipping along (metaphorically speaking) and then bam, one little thing and its doubt city.

And then my courage fails. Well, whatever courage I still have. Most of it is hiding in the kitchen pantry and has been for years. I can close my eyes and seee myself going and walking past that cute cop or being all sexy and seductress like but then I open my eyes and just freak out thinking – like hell I will.

So, I push it all back and don’t worry about it since I’m not gonna do it anyways, it doesn’t matter. Right? WRONG! It does… But enough of this crap… I just want to be secure in someones affections outside of the family. And sometimes I just screw things up royally when I let my instincts flow and a dying friendship is completely killed because I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I am going to test myself in the coming days. Go against my fear and see what happens. BTW, any guys reading this – do not decide if something is fair for a girl in words of a relationship. Maybe she knows it and is still willing to give it a go.

As for the rest of my life – I am back in school and I am doing okay. Love the Western Civ class. English is going to kill me I think but my first grade in the class wasn’t bad. It could of been worse, it could of been better but I messed up on the assignment and didn’t have any time left to finish it so I had to turn it in half-assed and hoped for the best. I got a 38 out of 50 points, which is about a 78/C. It was an assessment test to see if I should retake English 101 or what. I got a better grade then the two people sitting next to me who took English 101 last semseter and finished early. I’m gonna take that as a good thing…

Lets see, what else. I am getting ready for my cruise. I leave in about 12 days. It seems like a long time but its not! Especially when you still need to buy your clothes and pack and find time to get waxing done! Yes, I said waxing! Boo! Girls wax! OMG! lol… But seriously, my time is just really rare now a days. I have only one real day off each week and that is Sundays. This Sunday is packed, next Sunday is packed (thank you Steelers!) and then no other days between that. So, I am trying to find the time to make sure I get everything in before I leave… My poor cat is going to hate me when I come back. This will be my 3rd trip in less then two months. But I am sure she will survive. Hopefully, if she doesn’t somone is going to pay. OH! And I need to find time to make myself some easily packed and wearable clothing for the trip. Some simple pants and shirts. Yeah, cause I’m not busy enough?

Not much else is going on. Doing some writing when I can find the time and inspiration. Which isn’t often but it happens. No one has told me I need to get married (outside of my own traitorous brain) in the past few weeks, so that is always good to not have that pressure on me as well.

Thats it for now… toodles!

So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…


in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?

Yes, I am still alive…

Well, I am still in Las Vegas visiting the familia. Today my parents head into town… But there is a part of me that just wants to go home. I miss my home. And sadly, I miss my friends. Its stupid I know.

I just think about how much my life is going to change when I get back from my next trip – next week and head back to school. In truth, I am scared shitless to be heading back to school. Worried I will fail once more at this. That  I won’t have time to make everyone in my life happy with me because I will be taking time for myself and not for them. That I won’t have time to spend with people I want to spend time with because I will have to concentrate on school… and if I will throw school away because it takes too much from the other parts of my life. And what if I am just not smart enough anymore? I know dumb right? To fear having gotten dumb over the years?  I’m not saying I am stupid or dumb, just not up to school anymore. And what if I am taking the wrong path once again? But I just have to swallow these fears and deal with it the best I can. Put my head down and charge away. And hope for and work towards the best outcome possible… but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe I am taking one too many classes.

As for everything else… its been a bit difficult here. Well, one day at least when my brother started talking to me about getting married and have kids. I know he was trying to be a good big brother. But I don’t need another reminder of how alone I am. I mean, I know that one day someone will want me. Even if the person I want right doesn’t feel the same way, one day someone will? Right? I sure the hell hope so but I know I am getting tired of waiting for something to happen.

And I am sorry but its not me. I am not a stylish, worried about my hair, wearing make up all day long person. I truthfully feel that I can enhance who I am but not hide my true self. Even my workout clothes weren’t good enough. God forbid I wear something comfortable like a t-shirt while working out. I am at the gym to WORKOUT not to find my future husband. I have enough on my head being concerned about looking like a fat idiot while walking on the treadmill without worrying if my hair is out of order because some guy might take an interest in me only because I look a particular way and don’t sweat. I mean, bloody hell. I am not sure if anyone knows who I am.

Okay, enough of this, its not that big of deal. I know my brother is just trying to help. He wants me to be happy but I wish he would take more time to understand who I am and what I am not. I’m tired… Truth be told, I did think I meet someone I could be with long term not too long ago but like all the others in my life – he didn’t want me for anything but a friend. Shocker that!

But otherwise, things are going good. I am spending time with my nephew, had a good Christmas and been annoying the hell out my trainer. I haven’t had a chance to do everything I want since I am trying not to spend too much money (which is harder then it seems and my money is disappearing like crazy) and most of my alone time to go out is me heading to the gym to kick my own ass for a few hours. So, what if I only gambled one night away. Meh, no biggie… I’m not here to meet someone. I am here for family and all that jazz.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday week!

Has anyone been into me then?

So, I picked up the book “he’s just not that into you” last night… I’m sure you have heard of it – either from the Sex and the City episode (which is what helped the book take off), the upcoming movie with Drew Barrymore et al or you have read or know someone or heard of the book.

Basically, its a book written by a guy, Greg Behrendt, and a woman, liz tuccillo, about the most common sense thing – there are ways of telling that a guy isn’t really into you. Mainly, if you have to do all the damned  work, he cheats on you, doesn’t call and all those other things that we spend hours upon hours discussing and disecting and worried and stressing over.

I picked it up mainly because I had heard somethings about it  and I was curious, how would I know a guy isn’t that into me. I meant, I have know for a long while why most guys don’t approach me right? I mean according to my brother, who I trust immensly, its cause of the attitude I put off. That I don’t need no man and that I am slightly intimidating to guys. Right? No… now I know this isn’t the case.

I have spent the majority of my dating years being the one to pursue the relationships with guys. Being the one to ask out to make the first move, etc… why? well, because until I did no one would even express any interest in me. And the ones who did – well, it was usually a joke for him and his friends. So, I started pursuing and sometimes I had a guy pursue me. Sadly, looking back a majority of those who pursued me ended up cheating on me.

I am about half way thru the book and I have spent just as much time crying. I was just getting to the point to realize there is nothing wrong with me, that I am deserving of love and happiness. I kept telling myself this over and over and over again then comes along this book and I realize… has anyone ever really been into me? This guy says, if a guy wants you he wants you and will pursue you. You will become a priority in their life. They won’t stand you up, they will not cheat on you, they will treat you with respect, call you, ASK YOU OUT, etc… not really much of what I have experienced.

I am 33 years old… I have dated a good bit most of them, okay all of them, pretty much failures. The last guy I was involved with it took me 3 years of not letting up and finally talking him into more then just a friendship to have us not do anything, because he didn’t want anyone to know. Not that into me? Yeah, I think so. And this was a simiular case to many others.

So, this book has opened my eyes in many ways but not in the best of ways. Maybe? I mean, I look back – every dance I ever went to in high school was because I asked someone, no one ever asked me or even expressed interest in asking me. 19 times out of 20 that I expressed interest in a guy or went out with a guy, its because I asked and/or called them. I did all the heavy lifting… and those few 1 out of 20 guys that came after me… in the end usually cheated on me. Not more then once – that I am aware of – because I wouldn’t take that shit from no one cause I knew if a guy liked me or even cared about me in the slightest, they would not do that to me.

If a guy isn’t into you if: he doesn’t pursue you, cheats on you, lies to you, etc – what does that make me? Completely and utterly not desirable by any man out there? And this is why I have been crying since last night. I want to be desired, to be pursued but I don’t know how that is going to happen if it hasn’t happened yet? I mean, I don’t want to do the work and this guy is telling me I shouldn’t have to. If a guy wants me he will do it… I mean, I have done what this guy says – walk away, a guy who isn’t into me isn’t worth my time, energy or effort. And all I have gotten was more time alone.

Sadly, I am getting the answers to my questions, its just not making me feel that great. But I will say, I am happy I am realizing this crap finally. I mean I know it. These are the things I want from someone… to be pursued, have them call me to just talk to me, to ask me out, to touch me because they want to touch me, to kiss me because they just can’t help themselves, to not give me excuses because they don’t want to hurt my feelings (I would rather have the truth, really I would it hurts less then being confused), to not be cheated on, to be made to feel worthwhile. In truth, I think I am…

Is this book good and should every woman read it? Yes, I think so. I am happy I made this purchase. Its better then any other dating book I have picked up. Books by experts, magazine articles, etc… this is a run of a mil guy (okay a comedian) who is telling it straight foreward without beating around the bush or giving you excuses on why a guy doesn’t want to make out with you for hours on end even though you want to.

It will make my life easier and I wish I would of read it years ago and not wasted so much time on guys who really weren’t into me to begin with. Seriously, how much time have I wasted? I just hope that sooner or later, a guy who is into me will actually come along and well, be into me.

And now I don’t have to worry about the guy I am attracted to, I know now he isn’t into me, won’t ever be into me and I can just enjoy his friendship. No matter how much I want to kiss him, I know he doesn’t want to kiss me. Because if he did – nothing, not even some imaginary line he created, would stop him. And now I can pinpoint to my guy friends who say differently, that he just isn’t that into me and while it sucks I am okay with it. Really I am because one day someone will be. At least that is my hope.

Oh Stronzata

Okay, so here is the question we women ask ten zillion times in our lifetime: How do you know a guy likes you? Seriously, I am still at 33 years old trying to figure this out. I do know that just because he wants to get in your pants doesn’t mean he likes you, he just wants to put his dick some place warm for a period of time be it nanoseconds or an hour. So, I take that out of the equation. How do you know?

Its bugging me. Not because I think someone likes me but because someone else says he thinks someone likes me. I don’t think the guy likes me more then just someone to hang out with on occasion. He doesn’t call unless we are gonna do something. Its not like he wants to talk to me about his day or anything. Is it stupid to think this? Yeah… because its not that I don’t want him to like me. I mean, hell, I have wasted hours wondering what it would be like to kiss him. I have spent periods of time telling myself at dinner, don’t look at his mouth, don’t look at his forearms (he has AMAZING forearms) and so on. Then slamming the coffin top down with a “he is just your friend” repeated over and over in my head.

There are times I want to just blurt out to him over dinner, I want you to kiss me. Right here, right now I don’t care who is watching. But I don’t because I am a wimp and I don’t want to fugg up our friendship. I like the guy. He is fun to be around and fun to talk to. And so polite sometimes, its kinda scary. So, what do I do? I say stupid shit like – I don’t like blondes while he is a blond and so on. And say things as a joke because I’m not secure enough to say it seriously and think I wouldn’t get rejected. Cause I’m dumb and I know that beyond just a brief period of time, we wouldn’t be anything beyond a memory when he leaves to go back to the life he really wants.

But enough of that. I said it out loud and who knows maybe he would be curious enough to find out more about me and read this. But, somehow I don’t think that’s gonna happen. The guy won’t even let me myspace him. Jackass… lol…

Relationships in general are just weird. I have been thinking a lot about what I want in my mate. Mr. Varza needs to be someone special and pretty specific, which I think happens the older you get the more detail oriented your wants become. I am starting to find specific things I want… and I don’t think its too much to ask for these things. I could be flexible but only to a point. Some of the things I want, I am going to take from my male friends and mush them up together on the list:

  1. I want to be able to talk to Mr. Varza as easily as I can talk to Gracious One, yeah you heard me. The one who calls me out and likes to put me in my place. But, I can easily talk to him for hours on end about many different topics and just have a good time in general doing that and with lots of laughter as well.
  2. They have to love the holidays as much as I do… and I do love every one. I like to celebrate Halloween, even if it is sitting at home watching bad horror movies and I want someone to help me put up Christmas lights on my house and want to sit around watching White Christmas (I love that movie!) and sip hot cocoa with me. I have yet to find this in any of my male friends.
  3. I want someone like Trainer Boy who is willing to go to movies with me and talk movies. Any movies. Even bad ones and really really good ones. Homeland Security Boy does this too… with both of them we go out to eat before or afterwards and talk about the movies or just life in general. But HSB is stuck in LA and wants to be here. TB is stuck here and wants to be in LA. I miss HSB… stupid government won’t bring him back here.
  4. Books – talk to me about books. I can do this with a number of my friends. And I love it. Books are my life pretty much. Its the only thing I have consistantly loved my entire life. Throw me a good book and make me read it. Cause I will at least try. Even understanding my desire to not leave the bookstore or to just walk around Borders for three hours absorbing the joy of being around books. That is fun to me. Yeah, I know I am crazy.
  5. Sports – the guy has to like sports… and be willing to raise athletic children with me.
  6. I can’t think of anything else right now… so what ever mechanism pulls people together, I am not done with this list. Don’t throw anyone at me just yet… I’m not 100% prepared…

As for all the other crap that comes with meeting someone. I think it depends. I know where I would like to meet someone and how I would like things to happen. I mean, I love when a guy (that you are attracted to) comes up and kisses you with all the emotions he is feeling. I day dream about those moments with made up fantasy, and not so made up fantasy, guys. It makes you feel so dang wanted. I was reading the latest People issue (with the sexiest man in the world Hugh Jackman on the cover, yummy!) and there was a quote in there from Dr. McDreamy (I don’t watch that show so I never heard it before) where he says, ” I like the kissing, I´m on for the kissing, more kissing I say” and I have to say I agree. I like the kissing. But for me, I miss the kissing.

I have had perfect kisses. Heck, I have had romance movie/novel moments. Seriously, I had it happen to me once in high school with this one guy, it was just wow… even to this day, 16 years later I can relive it moment to moment. It was in slow motion, seriously! Unfortunatly, the BITCH FROM HELL fugged it up for me and I lost my chance with a guy who seemed pretty dang perfect in everyway. Lets just say, I walked into my friends history class to talk to them about my upcoming, I think birthday party (that part if a blur) when I looked down and made eye contact with this one guy. He was a newbie and he just smiled at me and very slowly stood up. I remember gulping and smiling. I ended up inviting him, in his jeans and white t-shirt and mahogoney eyes, to my party. We found out he lived in the connecting neighborhood to mine. Unfortunatly, when he showed up he was cornered in the bathroom by the BITCH FROM HELL and bombared by stories about how I was a whore and would sleep anyone (which unfortunatly for me was not only completely false but being said by someone who I though was my best friend at the time and I had no clue about it).

Which meant, when after eveyrone else left and we continued to hang out – just me and him – then he kissed me. Which was wonderful and seemingly perfect. When he pressed for more, I stopped him. I then became “a tease”… I looked forward to talking to him again but was mystified when he ignored me completely the next week at school, no call, nothing… It was then I found out about the conversation in the bathroom from another friend and realized, okay so because I didn’t sleep with him he didn’t want me. Which for a girl leads to – if I ever want someone to want me, I have to sleep with them. Yeah, that is fucking great for a girls self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

So, romance movie/novel moments, yeah they happen but that is always one part of the story. In the end, its not real and it was just a moment that will either screw us up for a long long time or make us stronger. For me, it screwed me up. And its moment like this that creep up into my mind when I sit around trying to figure out what is wrong with me for hours on end… moments you think you forget completely and never really realized had an affect on you until 16 years later you are in your room at night and it dawns on you. That happens to me a lot.

BTW, he did apologize to me right before graduation. It was a random day at school when he came up and asked to talk to me but alone and not at school. We went to the library and talked in the car. He apologized and told me that he had really liked me and that he fucked up. I agreed with him but I never let him know how much he really hurt me. I saw him once after graduation, I ignored him and asked someone to take his table even though he was sitting in my section at the resturant. I never received an apology from the BITCH FROM HELL because well, I let her hurt me too many times and now I hope she burns in the hell she is from and dies painfully… and people wonder why I have a hard time trusting people.

I am one fucked up lady… with all the ways I have tourtured myself, who would want me. But enough of that. Someone, someday will… and I think they will be pretty damned lucky because I am a survivor, I’m not gon give up, I’m not gon stop, I’m gon work harder, I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it,
I will survive, Keep on survivin’… and yes, that is the chorus from Survivor by Destiny’s Child.

But tomorrow is thanksgiving and I will have the day pretty much alone to remember what I am thankful for. I think I may write a post and say what and why. I have a lot… but that is for tomorrow not today. Today was just another ramblin’ bunch of crap as per usual.

BTW, if you have a chance pick up the book “Why We Suck by Dr. Denis Leary” – its funny as hell and you’ll get odd looks if you read it in public cause there will be moments when you get pissed off right before you almost piss your pants. hehehe…

Letting Go and Opening Up to Love

I have come to the realization over the past couple weeks that I am extremely lonely. I mean, yes I have a lot of friends but there is something seriously missing from my life and today I realized… I want a relationship. I real relationship not just random dates or sitting on my ass at home with another body in the room. But I miss the hugs and kisses one gets from a significant other.

Part of it was, recently I was looking for a roommate for a cruise I am going on in Feb and I had no one that wanted to go with me. Not a single person in my life wanted to go on a cruise with me. What is it like to be in a relationship with someone and travel with them? I love to travel and while I don’t mind traveling alone, after so many years of always planning alone – most of the time – its getting very very lonely.

I am not desperate for a relationship. I’m not going to jump into a long term relationship with just anyone. I want to meet the right person and sadly – I don’t want to join an online dating service to do it. I mean, I know a lot of guys but I’m not their type or they aren’t mine and I am already good friends with them. I don’t want to chance ruining a friendship for a relationship. I tried that already and it didn’t work. I just want to meet the right person.

For the first time in my life, I want to be in a relationship. I truthfully, have never cared before. Yes, I have had that same feeling of wanting to date and the pressure to be a in a relationship that we all get and have been in relationships but never felt that it was time to stop being alone and break down this wall I have in front of me to keep people out.

Last year on my birthday, I made a promise to myself that I would take a year completely for myself and work on making myself a better person. A better me. Fix some of those problems that keep me guarded and stand-offish and just not worry about it. And in just over a month, that year is over.

Am I feeling that I need to be in a relationship because of my subconcious saying I need to breed because that it what we live for? Or do I really want on? The only thing I come up with is, I really want one. I want to share my life with someone. The goods and the bads. Someone who wants the same from me.

I see a lot of people I know in loving relationships. Who support one another and are so damned happy. At least it seems that way from where I stand. I would like the have that. But I am scared. Very scared at the thought of opening myself up like that to another living being. Of having to let someone into my world. Of trusting and loving someone, who may in the end… hurt you beyond belief. I have been hurt like this in the past. I don’t want it to happen again.

I mean, I haven’t had the best relationships since my first date when I was 13. I always pushed away the good ones and let the bad ones in. I have been cheated on too many times and left for someone else. I am not sure why. Maybe because I am simply not good enough for anyone. That I will never find love because I am just not lovable. Its easier to have someone hate you then it is to love you. Hell, its easier to hate yourself then love yourself. I know, I struggle with that everyday. But I can’t help but wonder, is there anything about me that would make someone want me. And often, I can’t help but say no there isn’t. Cause if there was… wouldn’t someone have loved me already?

I have been on this Earth for 32, almost 33 years and in that time, only with one person have I felt completely and utterly perfect with. And he is gone. No where to be found. And probably found a small, petite girl to fall in love with. A girl who is 100% girly. Not into comic books and sports. Who woud rather not have a deep intense conversation about something random then talk about something friviulous like fashion. Who spends a ton of time getting ready in the morning. Someone the opposite of me… cause all the ex’s I do know of – found love with someone like that. The total opposite of me.  But how do I change the core of who I am? And should I? I mean, if in all these years not one guy I have known could care about me beyond a friend or just been the wrong one… will it ever happen for me?

I know what I want. And I know the feeling of standing in a man’s arms and feeling that the world can’t touch you as long as you are together (even if nothing ever came of that since we were both 13 and living half of Texas from each other).  Or was that my one and only soul-mate and I lost my one chance because I ran away from it (literally) instead of embracing it? How do I get past the image of him when I close my eyes and try to imagine what I want in a mate? After 19 years, I can still see him and the feelings that once scared me so many years ago… are what I now want yet I fear that I will never have it again. And that scares me more then anything else. That I have lost my chance at finding love because I let fear stand in my way and walked away from so many others because they didn’t give me what he did?

So, what do I do? I have no idea where to go from here. I am ready to let him go and move on with my life and hope its not too late for me to find someone to share my life with. To acknowledge that maybe he and I just weren’t right for each other. And maybe it was a blessing that I ran. And that it was my true destiney to not be with him and to be with another. Its confusing as hell… and I just don’t know where to go from here.