Hey! You Still Alive Lady!?

(this was originally written on 9-26-09 so its old news but I guess I didn’t hit publish, so no need to read it if you know all about my love life crap already)

Yes, yes I am! But life has just been in a transitional phase for me lately and let me give you a little run down.

I have stated in the past year or so that I was ready for a relationship and what not and yes, I got slammed by some people saying you don’t need anyone you can be happy on your own blah blah blah. And I was happy on my own but I also knew I was ready emotionally and mentally for a true blue relationship. Just over a year ago I stated this… and now, now I am with someone who makes me extremely happy. Now, I just have to say – this person is not new in my life. This is someone who I have been attracted to over a course of several years but I never thought I had a chance with – in fact, I tried to pursue it but things just never seemed to happen. The timing was never right… but suddenly, everything fell into place.

And here is why – I realized I was truly ready to let go of the past and move on. I was ready to fully give myself to someone 100%… and after thinking about what I really wanted, I realized that what and who I wanted was already in my life. He was just waiting for me to wake the hell up and really see what was standing in front of me for the past 6 years. Hell, according to him I was the only one not aware of it.

So, am I happy… hell’s yes. More then I could ever imagine. It just sucks that he isn’t closer.

Now, I do not regret not getting together sooner. I look at it as a positive. I have major major trust issues with guys and when you meet someone and then have to build up that trust in a romantic relationship – its not easy. I had 6 years of learning to trust this man and know that he was there for me and I also know that he walked into this relationship seeing my crazy side several times over. It makes it easier to get thru some of the rough patches because we know its worth fighting for and working through. Especially in a long distance relationship when it would be so easy to walk away from something just because there was a misunderstanding… we are using our friendship as a true building block to something more.

I can’t speak for him… I can only speak for myself. And I am not wholey comfortable opening up but I wanted to share this because some of you have been there watching as I struggled to open myself up to something real and go from hiding and being angry to seeing that I was ready to move on. I wanted it known – that when you really are ready, something amazing and beautiful can happen to you.

Now, to see where this goes… this is a journey I am so happy to be on.

I Push and I Push…

…until the person I am pushing finally walks away then I cry and hate myself for a good long while. Then I get up and redo this cycle over and over again. I have been doing it for about half my life now.

I do not know exactly why I do it. I just so. I try not to but I can’t help myself. I have gone to therapy and all they say is stop doing it. We haven’t ever figured out why I do it… and how exactly can I stop.

This is coming from a latest round of heated discussions with a friend of mine, who in my opinion has been closing himself off more and more recently and I frakking hate that. Part of it is my fault for pushing too hard – pushing for him to go away and pushing to hard to keep him near.

I have this problem – I am not an independent woman who can make myself happy. My happiness goes hand in hand with my relationships with other people. In truth, this is one of the reasons why I cut myself off from people. I am fine on my own without  a lot of people in my life but bring someone in that I can care about it and I will smother not just them but myself in the process of trying to change who I am to please them. I will freely admit, I am not good for the people I am close to. I can be clingy and desperate for the approval from people I care about. To the point that I will do anything to please them… this has been a curse my entire life. I do not know why but it has caused me a huge amount of pain since I was a child.

And it has caused me pain in relationships. I will freely admit that the failure of a majority of my relationships was my fault. Stemming mainly from my desire to not have people angry or upset with me and my desire to make them happy and in the process making myself unhappy because I would smother my own personality to try to keep someone happy. This is because I understand that I have a very large personality – a bit overwhelming at times. Too overwhelming and it is hard to keep people around when you do because well, people don’t like it.

This has just been my experience. If I am myself – weird, crazy, insane, loud, obnoxious with over the top “let me be wacko’ personality that can be (when I allow it) an extremely extraverted person… guys don’t want to date you, girls for the most part hate you. See, I learned early on that if you want a person to date you – you have to be docile and not independent and definatly not over the top.

Why do I think this? Well up to the age of 17, I was fine at being myself. Loud and crazy and just wacko… but I got tired of not being able to get dates. See guys didn’t want to date me – there were a few here and there but they weren’t around for a long time. Generally, once they got to know me a bit better they would disappear. Even the good ones. It didn’t help that my best friend for most of this time was the perfect girl that all the guys wanted to date – especially the guys I liked. Which sucked big time. I also had a hard time making friends… according to the rumors at school I was the class slut, even though I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a rumor started by another “good friend” and unfortunately, no one took the time to get to know me and based their knowledge of me on this rumor. I am sure some of them believe it was truth still to this day… sad I know.

So, I became what people thought I was… because no one gave a shit otherwise… I hated myself for this. I still do. I used to be a strong woman but over the years, the fear of being alone have made me weaker and weaker. I want people to get close but to get them to be close I weaken myself… and then hate both of us for me doing it.

This is not saying I am not a strong woman… I am, I mean hell I have been to hell in back several times over in my life time and lived to tell the tale. But when it comes to relationships, I am so damned desperate for approval I weaken myself and then hate myself for it. I will do anything and everything for someone I care about just to make sure that I do not disappoint them. And in the end disappoint myself because I am not being me in many cases.

I do not know exactly who I am or who I will be one day but I do know I am damned tired of not being myself just to make other people want to be around me. I want to get back to the person I was before… and I will.

So, why do I push – because its a security mechanism. I push people out of my life who have the potential to hurt me. Like putting your hand into the fire… you take it back out because its harmful. I see my relationships with some people as such: I put my hand into the fire then realize that wasn’t a smart thing to do. I am not saying these people are harming me for real… sometimes a walk through fire can be cleansing… symbolically. But I fear the pain that being close to someone can bring me so I push them away and hurt anyways. Stupid? Yep… I hurt myself no matter what but its a hurt I can control. I can be the one to cause the pain, I can control it instead of not controlling the pain that I know someone else will cause. Because in my mind they will cause me pain.

Everything I do, I do it to myself… and I hate myself for it afterwards. I have a lot of self-loathing because I feel like I am going about life all wrong. And not just one or two things wrong but everything. Relationships, working, school, life in general.

Society seems to paint us this picture as how life is suppose to be if you are to successful and happy and like everything else – I do not fit that mold. Life is not a romance novel, people do not fall in love in a few days, weeks or months. Sometimes yes – but not everyone. Its not like the movies where everything fits into place and we all walk into the sunset with everything in place. Its not like tv where the crimes are always solved, justice served and problems fixed in twenty four minutes (30 if you add in the commercials).

Here is what I am going to say I know about me: I am worth caring about and loving… but I am a challenge for anyone who wants to take it up. I will scratch and fight, hug and kiss, hate and love all in a single breathe. If someone wants to love me – they will but it will be hard for awhile on both of us because I am full of fear that I am trying to learn to live and deal with. I am afraid that there is no one out there who will want to take up this challenge of loving me. I am hard to love – even my parents will admit that – but only because I have up a ton of walls and I am scared to let people in. And I am crazy… but that is another story.

The thing is… I have in the past not pushed but when I know a seperation will be coming, instead of enjoying every moment with that person I unknowning start to push… because I am upset they will hurt me. I have no desire to stop it because I want the people I care about to be happy and if that means them going some place else, then so be it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, it hurts having a friendship with someone I care about and knowning it will end in a few months time and that the friendship will most likely end for good, and that hurts. Because I can not control it… and I don’t want to but at the same time? You get the general idea.

So, yesturday sucked big time and I screwed up a friendship. If it is a permenant screw up – I don’t know but I feel weird and akward. I just want to run and hide from it. To not acknowledge how I keep messing up something good in my life.

The Cusp of Drama and Criticism

I posted a few weeks back about finding out that I was borning during a strange and difficult week. In a book, it basically said I was almost impossible to love because of my personality and I guess, curse, of being born at this time. I had posted some information – but that was not the exact article I read. The one I read came from a book called “The Secret Language of Relationships” – the other one was a composite from another source. Here is what I read – I will basically break it down with some of my own comments and thoughts. Does this apply to me? And if so… why type of crap… so here we go:

Libra-Scorpio Cusp
The Cusp of Drama and Criticism
October 19 – 25

Strengths: sensuous, charismatic, artistic
Weaknesses: Overcritical, Addictive, Rigid

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, libra, and the eight sign, Scorpio, where the airy, social, theatrical libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of Scorpio. This cusp can be likened to the period of around 49-years of age in the human life and comes in the middle of fall in the northern hemisphere. In human development, at the age of 49, the midlife period is ending and middle age is approaching. This is a period of that can be characterized by the themes of Drama and Criticism. A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existnace, past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges that cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisues time is spent and in general to a reevalutaion of one’s place in the world.

Basically this is a restatement of what was mentioned in the last blog I wrote about this… the words “aims for the essence of truth” does speak a bit to me. I mean, hell, isn’t that what a majority of my blogs are. Me cutting away the crap to get to the truth of who I am and what I am? So, is this dead on… in a sense it is. At least I think so. Unfortunatly, the highly critical part is very true as well. I am harder on myself then anyone else can be. It annoys the hell out of some of the people in my life because when I make a simple mistake – I don’t just accept it and move on. I basically flog myself for it. I hold on to it and beat myself up emotionally for something that isn’t that big of a deal. I see myself as weak or stupid or not good enough because I am not perfect. Is the same sense of critical that the writers were thinking though… Personally I don’t think so. I do think they are talking about critical sense as someone who can pinpoint a wrong and pushes towards the truth for it. I can do that… sometimes… but I don’t know. I can pinpoint and aim for the bullshit that other people like to throw around…

Big personalities, those born on the Libra-Scorpio cusp may prove too much for anyone to handle.

Okay, breaking in again pretty quickly… yes, I have a big personality. A HUGE personality… and it is a bit much for anyone, even family, to handle at times. I have always said I was an overflowing glass of milk in the resturant of life. A bit too much of everything… And it has driven many people away from me. I have tried to calm myself down or reduce my personality to hide it… but it doesn’t like to be hidden.

Their influence can not only dominate their immediate circle but go far beyond it; that influence is surely personal, for these are charismatic individuals, but also often intellectual, since their ideas are well thought out and highly developed. Libra-Scorpios usually have something to say on almost any subject.

I have something to say on EVERY subject… not almost any… EVERY! I don’t mean to… I just know alot useless crap. I am not a know it all… I just know a lot… as for my influence. I am not a good influence on people. And if I am, I am unaware of any impact I have ever made on a single soul.

Their penchant for preaching from the pulpit makes them well suited to be teachers, whether professionally or informally, and their students usually come to depend heavily on them for guidance.

I don’t preach from a pulpit… I have a milk crate that I use on the corner and scream at people… okay, I don’t really. I just thought it was funny damnit!

Those born on this cusp meld the airy (mental) nature of Libra and the watery (emotional) characteristics of Scorpio – not always an easy take. These two aspects of their personality are often at war, with the head guiding and the heart denying, or viceversa. Libra-Scorpios can get into a real mess with themselves when their intellectual and emotional natures clash. Periods of Libra indecision may be broken by outbursts of Scorpio agression, and self assured Scorpio determination and control may be undermined by Libra procratination and love of repose. The tensions and disappointments of life can at times prove too much for them, such that they retreat into isolation.

I have often joked about my heritage being scottish-irish-english-french-german meaning that I am always in a battle with myself over everything. Unfortunatly, there was an aspect of that, that was true… I battle with myself constantly. I regret constantly and I fear that my indecisions in life have given something I never wanted because I was afraid to make the wrong choice so instead I made none. I do cut myself off from the world alot. Even people. I can not tell you how many times I have told people I care about deeply that I need to go away because of the tension and disappointments that I have with myself. I think the people in my life who have seen this may agree with this statement.

Thus Libra-Scorpios benefit from physical exercise, fitness training, sound diets and all activies that promote healthy contact with the world, and relationships and activities that lessen their tendency to isolate themselves from the world or will prove beneficial to them.

damn it… my mom was right!

The mental orientation of those born on the Cusp of Drama and Criticism appears in their perceptiveness and sharp insightfulness. The twin dangers here are a sense of personal infallibility and a tendency to be overcritical; the disapproving or denigrating attitudes of Libra-Scorpios can hurt those close to them, undermining their confidence in subtle ways. The intimates of Libra-Scorpios may have to fight back against such negative expectations and predictions, not just to protect but to liberate themselves. Those born on this cusp should seriously think about the project of learning to back off, and of not only keeping their opinions to themselves but in many cares letting go of them completely.

So… not only am I too much for anyone to handle… the book advises that people need to learn to liberate themselves from me because I am harmful to them… maybe there is a reason we isolate ourselves. Maybe its for the best of the world we are in contact with? Obviously, we are bad for people…shit! Can they say anything good about this week?

Those born on this cusp have a decidedly modern approach in most areas, but also shelter an undeniable sense of tradition. This is particularly clean in their devotion to parents and children, in whose lives they play a large role – sometimes too large.

There is that word “too” again… too much, too large…

Not that Libra-Scorpios too eaily accept their parents values – far from it. Their attachment is mor emotional. After a stormy and rebellious adolescence, those born on this cusp often return to an extremely close relationship with their parents in later life.

Okay, this is pretty dead on… not that I was a bad kid. Okay, out of the two kids in our family… I was the black sheep. My brother was the perfect one who never got in trouble. I was the one who came home with F’s on my report card and was proud of it. Skipped school some… I did become close with the attendence lady at my high school. Knew her better then any of my teachers…. but I don’t think I was a rebellious kid… hum?

As responsible as many Libra-Scorpios seem in many areas of everyday life, they have an undeniably wild, unpredictable side. Dramatic and impulsive, they will unhesitatingly fly in the face of societys moral codes to assert their values or express themselves, which they can do both cogently and flamboyantly.

I don’t think I am a dramatic person… okay fine! I am… I am insane, at least according to my exes. I don’t really fly in the face of societys moral codes… not really. I just believe what I believe and I don’t care if you don’t agree with me – cause your wrong. Impulsive… eh? I don’t know. I would have to find out from other people. I like plans things out but hum… ?

Even the mildest of those born on this cusp have an exhibitionistic side, and want and need others to take notice of them.

ummmm… yeah I can see this. I like people to see me and notice me for the goddess that I am. Hello! How can they not?! But at the same time, it scares the crap out of me because sometimes that attention and notice is unwanted and creepy .

The private lives of Libra-Scorpios may include many love affairs, charting a path strewn with the broken hearts of those who have had relationships with them. Their particular brand of charimsa, impulsiveness and mental power makes them formidable and sometimes even dangerous individuals to be involved with.

I don’t think I have broken many hearts. If anything, most guys seems to run as fast as they can from me or just treat me like shit… but once again, I am a bad person to be involved with. Like I need more negatives. Now I am dangerous?! Please! Just because I like to drive down dark deserted roads in the middle of the night without the lights on in my car does not mean I am dangerous… But once again I would have to put this to the people who know me best. Heather!!! Am I dangerous and charismatic? And did I break any hearts… ? I didn’t think so…

Sensuousness and passion are important themes in the lives of those born on this cusp. In their relationships with others, however, they may exhibit a split between these two areas, treating sexuality quite differently from sensuality, and basing relationships squarely on either one or the other, and only rarely on both.

Yes… that is all I have to say on this subject.

Libra-Scorpios express their sensuousness in their love of the beautiful and tasteful objects with which they surround themselves, or in an appreciation of art, music and literature.

Dead on! Very very very very very very dead on… if you know me at all… you know this is true.

Those romantically involved with Libra-Scorpios must beware of the addictive tendencies in such relationships. Unduly deep attachments that go beyond usual or even healthy limits may result in debilitating dependencies or painful partings and breakups, even in symptoms resembling drug withdrawl.

See, I’m like a drug… bad for you! I don’t see this part at all…unless someone stealing my car is addicitive. Maybe its the tendency I had for dating addicts? I mean, I attracted them alot… does this mean I was just another drug?

The most successful type of Libra-Scorpio personality is able to structure relationships so that both parties have their own space and retain their identities; less successful individuals born on this cusp ma be fated to experiences a painful string of failed relationships.

Now, this I see… I am an unsuccessful Libra-Scorpio Cusp baby…

A combination of deeply love and friendship in a marriage with a libra-scorpio is possible, however,

I love the “however” don’t you!

and such a bond will overcome almost any difficulties that may arise.

With children, whether thier own or those of other family members or friends, Libra-Scorpio take seriously the role of responsible adult guide, but can lose their objectivity and wind up getting too emotionally involved.

I am starting to hate the word “too”… and yes, I do take the role seriously but have learned to keep my emotional distance. I learned that lesson the hard way with an ex.

Those born on this cusp must learn to be respectful of children, students and other young people, and to realize how damaging their feels and desires, and perhaps their unrealistic expectations, may prove.

So, basically… no one let your children near me because I may hurt them emotionally and everyone else should stay away too because I am harmful to anyone in my life. Thanks… now I feel great!

Advice: try to relax and have fun. Learn to be less picky (I am not picky! I just know what I like damnit!) Do not cut yourself off from the unusal experiences but maintain your poise and balance. Continue to battle with life and resist escapism or the throes of self-pity. Leave the past behind and embrace the future. Cynicism and sarcasm are point to you. (without sarcasm… what do I have? nothing! it is my life blood, I can not exist without it!)

Libra-Scorpio Cusp Notables:

Sarah Bernhardt, Evander Holyfield, Pablo Picasso, Peter Tosh, Catherine Deneuve, Robert Rauschenberg, Annette Funicello, Pele, Johnny Carson, Weird Al Yankovic,  Helen Reddy, Dizzy Gillespie, Ursula Le Guin, Carrie Fisher (sweet Princess Leia!), Benjamin Netanyahu, Jelly Roll Morton, Arthur Rumbaud, Bobby Seale and Mickey Mantle.

Copyright @Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider & Joost Elffers.
1997.  Penguin Studios, New York, NY. Pages 132 – 135

the right guy?

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

Soooo… its been a few weeks…

But, I am alive and somewhat well just hella busy with school, work and all that other crap that takes up like called: Darth Real Life. I have also been in kind of a funk. The stress of everything is getting to me and I have no real desire to do anything. Not even to count how the stress is affecting my diet… which is sucking the big one for the past few weeks. I am a stress eater… and I am lacking funds for healthy good foods so I am eating crap I shouldn’t be eating. And probably drinking too many protein shakes then are good for me.

I just want a week away from it all but my funds are so bad lately its really sad. My mortgage also went up and I am desperatly trying to find a way to refinance right now without any luck. I keep being told I have to come up with large down payments… if I had 5 grand in the bank do you really think I would need to refinance? Seriously… And its not my actual mortgage its the frakking property taxes that keep going up each year and upping my monthly payment. Right now I am paying almost 300 bucks a month into my escrow account that my mortgage company pays my taxes, insurance and all that other crap out of.

So, I will be hopefully making some more calls today and see if I can get into that program out there. I don’t regret buying my home. I love my home but I should of taken the 500 dollar loss and bought the townhouse I had been looking at. Smaller and was about 50 grand cheaper.

Just a tip for home buyers – your first year taxes are not permant rates. They will go up several hundred within a year or two. At least here in New Mexico. They didn’t tell me that when I bought my home, imagine my surprise when one month my payment was 800 and the next month 1,000. Not fun at all!

As for my diet and workout – I am stuck at anothe plateau and have been there for over a month now. I know part of it is my diet. part if my decreased cardio and part stress. I am tired of feeling defeated by trying to loose weight and not succeeding. I am still struggling over wanting to quit but I have to wait until when I get paid again but I need to quit “cheating” on my diet and just do it. In last months Oxygen there was an article on loosing 10lbs in a month. I think I am going to jumpstart my system with it starting next week after paying my bills. Its a hardcore diet and I will have to cut back majorily on my workouts so I don’t burn myself out. But with school ending in a few weeks, I think that the time I have to destress from classes before the next round is the best bet.

I need to do something I think and this is the only thing I can think of. Get rid of 10# and then go from there. This will also jumpstart me back onto the healthy regiment and hopefully get me off of the roller coaster of bad crap. And then afterwards I can start on the diet a friend gave me but we will see.

Speaking of school, only a few more weeks left. I have an A in my history class and a high C in my english class. I have a research paper due in both of them on Monday and I have been working on them. But probably not like I should be. Then again, I have always pressured myself to wait until the last minute on most of my papers. Always have… tried to change that and always start out early then meh. Just sit there staring at my moniter for hours on end.

But I just paid for the summer session with school, taking Anatomy & Physiology with a lab. Three days of classes. I was going to add on an algerbra class but decided against it. Its going to be hard enough especially since my nephew is in town again this summer. I will have to take it in the fall… I hate math with all my might. Seriously seriously hate it and wish I didn’t have to take it.

I did finally sign up for finanical aid for next year. Hopefully I will get it so I can have one less stress on my wallet. But I won’t know until the summer, I think. I haven’t heard anything from the school. Just the gov saying its been accepted and the info given to the school. They will let me know if I have been granted a grant. Wish me luck. I really need it. School is just too dang expensive – inexpensive but still. When you are living paycheck to paycheck… anything is alot on your budget.

AS for a major – still nothing. One of my friends said I should be a scholar and do religious/mythological studies. Since I already know a bunch and since I already read things then retell it in my own words – I am already being one. I find it funny… me a scholar? I barely graduated high school. But he thinks I would be really good with it. That I would be excellent at going around giving lectures and whatnot. Personally, I think it would be great but dang that would take me forever! But maybe… I will put it on the list.

I have had no time to even look for romance – incase you were wondering. I am trying to do the whole meet new people but everything costs money to do… and I save that for hanging out with people I already know. And I don’t get to do that often enough. I am starting to notice more and more guys around. Maybe my gym had a run of hot guys sign up at the gym – even though some of them have been around for awhile but I am just now noticing their cuteness since my crush has disappated.

So, I am keeping my eye open and making myself smile more if I see them smile at me, so we will see what happens. But I am pretty sure a guy was checking me out at the grocery store the other day… but hard to say… made eye contact a few times and he smiled. But then again – have had that happen before and it was just a guy being nice.

Okay, I think this is long enough… I will post my workouts from the past few weeks in the next day or so…

Also – I am on twitter… addicted to the damn thing I think: http://twitter.com/varza

Just Another Day in Paradise

I have been attempting to have a positive, light hearted attitude and not let my doubts and worries overcome me. I will say, its damned hard and I wish it burned calories for me because I feelt like I am in an uphill battle.  I can be skipping along (metaphorically speaking) and then bam, one little thing and its doubt city.

And then my courage fails. Well, whatever courage I still have. Most of it is hiding in the kitchen pantry and has been for years. I can close my eyes and seee myself going and walking past that cute cop or being all sexy and seductress like but then I open my eyes and just freak out thinking – like hell I will.

So, I push it all back and don’t worry about it since I’m not gonna do it anyways, it doesn’t matter. Right? WRONG! It does… But enough of this crap… I just want to be secure in someones affections outside of the family. And sometimes I just screw things up royally when I let my instincts flow and a dying friendship is completely killed because I can’t keep my mouth shut.

I am going to test myself in the coming days. Go against my fear and see what happens. BTW, any guys reading this – do not decide if something is fair for a girl in words of a relationship. Maybe she knows it and is still willing to give it a go.

As for the rest of my life – I am back in school and I am doing okay. Love the Western Civ class. English is going to kill me I think but my first grade in the class wasn’t bad. It could of been worse, it could of been better but I messed up on the assignment and didn’t have any time left to finish it so I had to turn it in half-assed and hoped for the best. I got a 38 out of 50 points, which is about a 78/C. It was an assessment test to see if I should retake English 101 or what. I got a better grade then the two people sitting next to me who took English 101 last semseter and finished early. I’m gonna take that as a good thing…

Lets see, what else. I am getting ready for my cruise. I leave in about 12 days. It seems like a long time but its not! Especially when you still need to buy your clothes and pack and find time to get waxing done! Yes, I said waxing! Boo! Girls wax! OMG! lol… But seriously, my time is just really rare now a days. I have only one real day off each week and that is Sundays. This Sunday is packed, next Sunday is packed (thank you Steelers!) and then no other days between that. So, I am trying to find the time to make sure I get everything in before I leave… My poor cat is going to hate me when I come back. This will be my 3rd trip in less then two months. But I am sure she will survive. Hopefully, if she doesn’t somone is going to pay. OH! And I need to find time to make myself some easily packed and wearable clothing for the trip. Some simple pants and shirts. Yeah, cause I’m not busy enough?

Not much else is going on. Doing some writing when I can find the time and inspiration. Which isn’t often but it happens. No one has told me I need to get married (outside of my own traitorous brain) in the past few weeks, so that is always good to not have that pressure on me as well.

Thats it for now… toodles!

So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…


in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?

Yes, I am still alive…

Well, I am still in Las Vegas visiting the familia. Today my parents head into town… But there is a part of me that just wants to go home. I miss my home. And sadly, I miss my friends. Its stupid I know.

I just think about how much my life is going to change when I get back from my next trip – next week and head back to school. In truth, I am scared shitless to be heading back to school. Worried I will fail once more at this. That  I won’t have time to make everyone in my life happy with me because I will be taking time for myself and not for them. That I won’t have time to spend with people I want to spend time with because I will have to concentrate on school… and if I will throw school away because it takes too much from the other parts of my life. And what if I am just not smart enough anymore? I know dumb right? To fear having gotten dumb over the years?  I’m not saying I am stupid or dumb, just not up to school anymore. And what if I am taking the wrong path once again? But I just have to swallow these fears and deal with it the best I can. Put my head down and charge away. And hope for and work towards the best outcome possible… but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe I am taking one too many classes.

As for everything else… its been a bit difficult here. Well, one day at least when my brother started talking to me about getting married and have kids. I know he was trying to be a good big brother. But I don’t need another reminder of how alone I am. I mean, I know that one day someone will want me. Even if the person I want right doesn’t feel the same way, one day someone will? Right? I sure the hell hope so but I know I am getting tired of waiting for something to happen.

And I am sorry but its not me. I am not a stylish, worried about my hair, wearing make up all day long person. I truthfully feel that I can enhance who I am but not hide my true self. Even my workout clothes weren’t good enough. God forbid I wear something comfortable like a t-shirt while working out. I am at the gym to WORKOUT not to find my future husband. I have enough on my head being concerned about looking like a fat idiot while walking on the treadmill without worrying if my hair is out of order because some guy might take an interest in me only because I look a particular way and don’t sweat. I mean, bloody hell. I am not sure if anyone knows who I am.

Okay, enough of this, its not that big of deal. I know my brother is just trying to help. He wants me to be happy but I wish he would take more time to understand who I am and what I am not. I’m tired… Truth be told, I did think I meet someone I could be with long term not too long ago but like all the others in my life – he didn’t want me for anything but a friend. Shocker that!

But otherwise, things are going good. I am spending time with my nephew, had a good Christmas and been annoying the hell out my trainer. I haven’t had a chance to do everything I want since I am trying not to spend too much money (which is harder then it seems and my money is disappearing like crazy) and most of my alone time to go out is me heading to the gym to kick my own ass for a few hours. So, what if I only gambled one night away. Meh, no biggie… I’m not here to meet someone. I am here for family and all that jazz.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday week!

Has anyone been into me then?

So, I picked up the book “he’s just not that into you” last night… I’m sure you have heard of it – either from the Sex and the City episode (which is what helped the book take off), the upcoming movie with Drew Barrymore et al or you have read or know someone or heard of the book.

Basically, its a book written by a guy, Greg Behrendt, and a woman, liz tuccillo, about the most common sense thing – there are ways of telling that a guy isn’t really into you. Mainly, if you have to do all the damned  work, he cheats on you, doesn’t call and all those other things that we spend hours upon hours discussing and disecting and worried and stressing over.

I picked it up mainly because I had heard somethings about it  and I was curious, how would I know a guy isn’t that into me. I meant, I have know for a long while why most guys don’t approach me right? I mean according to my brother, who I trust immensly, its cause of the attitude I put off. That I don’t need no man and that I am slightly intimidating to guys. Right? No… now I know this isn’t the case.

I have spent the majority of my dating years being the one to pursue the relationships with guys. Being the one to ask out to make the first move, etc… why? well, because until I did no one would even express any interest in me. And the ones who did – well, it was usually a joke for him and his friends. So, I started pursuing and sometimes I had a guy pursue me. Sadly, looking back a majority of those who pursued me ended up cheating on me.

I am about half way thru the book and I have spent just as much time crying. I was just getting to the point to realize there is nothing wrong with me, that I am deserving of love and happiness. I kept telling myself this over and over and over again then comes along this book and I realize… has anyone ever really been into me? This guy says, if a guy wants you he wants you and will pursue you. You will become a priority in their life. They won’t stand you up, they will not cheat on you, they will treat you with respect, call you, ASK YOU OUT, etc… not really much of what I have experienced.

I am 33 years old… I have dated a good bit most of them, okay all of them, pretty much failures. The last guy I was involved with it took me 3 years of not letting up and finally talking him into more then just a friendship to have us not do anything, because he didn’t want anyone to know. Not that into me? Yeah, I think so. And this was a simiular case to many others.

So, this book has opened my eyes in many ways but not in the best of ways. Maybe? I mean, I look back – every dance I ever went to in high school was because I asked someone, no one ever asked me or even expressed interest in asking me. 19 times out of 20 that I expressed interest in a guy or went out with a guy, its because I asked and/or called them. I did all the heavy lifting… and those few 1 out of 20 guys that came after me… in the end usually cheated on me. Not more then once – that I am aware of – because I wouldn’t take that shit from no one cause I knew if a guy liked me or even cared about me in the slightest, they would not do that to me.

If a guy isn’t into you if: he doesn’t pursue you, cheats on you, lies to you, etc – what does that make me? Completely and utterly not desirable by any man out there? And this is why I have been crying since last night. I want to be desired, to be pursued but I don’t know how that is going to happen if it hasn’t happened yet? I mean, I don’t want to do the work and this guy is telling me I shouldn’t have to. If a guy wants me he will do it… I mean, I have done what this guy says – walk away, a guy who isn’t into me isn’t worth my time, energy or effort. And all I have gotten was more time alone.

Sadly, I am getting the answers to my questions, its just not making me feel that great. But I will say, I am happy I am realizing this crap finally. I mean I know it. These are the things I want from someone… to be pursued, have them call me to just talk to me, to ask me out, to touch me because they want to touch me, to kiss me because they just can’t help themselves, to not give me excuses because they don’t want to hurt my feelings (I would rather have the truth, really I would it hurts less then being confused), to not be cheated on, to be made to feel worthwhile. In truth, I think I am…

Is this book good and should every woman read it? Yes, I think so. I am happy I made this purchase. Its better then any other dating book I have picked up. Books by experts, magazine articles, etc… this is a run of a mil guy (okay a comedian) who is telling it straight foreward without beating around the bush or giving you excuses on why a guy doesn’t want to make out with you for hours on end even though you want to.

It will make my life easier and I wish I would of read it years ago and not wasted so much time on guys who really weren’t into me to begin with. Seriously, how much time have I wasted? I just hope that sooner or later, a guy who is into me will actually come along and well, be into me.

And now I don’t have to worry about the guy I am attracted to, I know now he isn’t into me, won’t ever be into me and I can just enjoy his friendship. No matter how much I want to kiss him, I know he doesn’t want to kiss me. Because if he did – nothing, not even some imaginary line he created, would stop him. And now I can pinpoint to my guy friends who say differently, that he just isn’t that into me and while it sucks I am okay with it. Really I am because one day someone will be. At least that is my hope.