Okay, so here is the question we women ask ten zillion times in our lifetime: How do you know a guy likes you? Seriously, I am still at 33 years old trying to figure this out. I do know that just because he wants to get in your pants doesn’t mean he likes you, he just wants to put his dick some place warm for a period of time be it nanoseconds or an hour. So, I take that out of the equation. How do you know?

Its bugging me. Not because I think someone likes me but because someone else says he thinks someone likes me. I don’t think the guy likes me more then just someone to hang out with on occasion. He doesn’t call unless we are gonna do something. Its not like he wants to talk to me about his day or anything. Is it stupid to think this? Yeah… because its not that I don’t want him to like me. I mean, hell, I have wasted hours wondering what it would be like to kiss him. I have spent periods of time telling myself at dinner, don’t look at his mouth, don’t look at his forearms (he has AMAZING forearms) and so on. Then slamming the coffin top down with a “he is just your friend” repeated over and over in my head.

There are times I want to just blurt out to him over dinner, I want you to kiss me. Right here, right now I don’t care who is watching. But I don’t because I am a wimp and I don’t want to fugg up our friendship. I like the guy. He is fun to be around and fun to talk to. And so polite sometimes, its kinda scary. So, what do I do? I say stupid shit like – I don’t like blondes while he is a blond and so on. And say things as a joke because I’m not secure enough to say it seriously and think I wouldn’t get rejected. Cause I’m dumb and I know that beyond just a brief period of time, we wouldn’t be anything beyond a memory when he leaves to go back to the life he really wants.

But enough of that. I said it out loud and who knows maybe he would be curious enough to find out more about me and read this. But, somehow I don’t think that’s gonna happen. The guy won’t even let me myspace him. Jackass… lol…

Relationships in general are just weird. I have been thinking a lot about what I want in my mate. Mr. Varza needs to be someone special and pretty specific, which I think happens the older you get the more detail oriented your wants become. I am starting to find specific things I want… and I don’t think its too much to ask for these things. I could be flexible but only to a point. Some of the things I want, I am going to take from my male friends and mush them up together on the list:

1. I want to be able to talk to Mr. Varza as easily as I can talk to Gracious One, yeah you heard me. The one who calls me out and likes to put me in my place. But, I can easily talk to him for hours on end about many different topics and just have a good time in general doing that and with lots of laughter as well.
2. They have to love the holidays as much as I do… and I do love every one. I like to celebrate Halloween, even if it is sitting at home watching bad horror movies and I want someone to help me put up Christmas lights on my house and want to sit around watching White Christmas (I love that movie!) and sip hot cocoa with me. I have yet to find this in any of my male friends.
3. I want someone like Trainer Boy who is willing to go to movies with me and talk movies. Any movies. Even bad ones and really really good ones. Homeland Security Boy does this too… with both of them we go out to eat before or afterwards and talk about the movies or just life in general. But HSB is stuck in LA and wants to be here. TB is stuck here and wants to be in LA. I miss HSB… stupid government won’t bring him back here.
4. Books – talk to me about books. I can do this with a number of my friends. And I love it. Books are my life pretty much. Its the only thing I have consistantly loved my entire life. Throw me a good book and make me read it. Cause I will at least try. Even understanding my desire to not leave the bookstore or to just walk around Borders for three hours absorbing the joy of being around books. That is fun to me. Yeah, I know I am crazy.
5. Sports – the guy has to like sports… and be willing to raise athletic children with me.
6. I can’t think of anything else right now… so what ever mechanism pulls people together, I am not done with this list. Don’t throw anyone at me just yet… I’m not 100% prepared…

As for all the other crap that comes with meeting someone. I think it depends. I know where I would like to meet someone and how I would like things to happen. I mean, I love when a guy (that you are attracted to) comes up and kisses you with all the emotions he is feeling. I day dream about those moments with made up fantasy, and not so made up fantasy, guys. It makes you feel so dang wanted. I was reading the latest People issue (with the sexiest man in the world Hugh Jackman on the cover, yummy!) and there was a quote in there from Dr. McDreamy (I don’t watch that show so I never heard it before) where he says, ” I like the kissing, I´m on for the kissing, more kissing I say” and I have to say I agree. I like the kissing. But for me, I miss the kissing.

I have had perfect kisses. Heck, I have had romance movie/novel moments. Seriously, I had it happen to me once in high school with this one guy, it was just wow… even to this day, 16 years later I can relive it moment to moment. It was in slow motion, seriously! Unfortunatly, the BITCH FROM HELL fugged it up for me and I lost my chance with a guy who seemed pretty dang perfect in everyway. Lets just say, I walked into my friends history class to talk to them about my upcoming, I think birthday party (that part if a blur) when I looked down and made eye contact with this one guy. He was a newbie and he just smiled at me and very slowly stood up. I remember gulping and smiling. I ended up inviting him, in his jeans and white t-shirt and mahogoney eyes, to my party. We found out he lived in the connecting neighborhood to mine. Unfortunatly, when he showed up he was cornered in the bathroom by the BITCH FROM HELL and bombared by stories about how I was a whore and would sleep anyone (which unfortunatly for me was not only completely false but being said by someone who I though was my best friend at the time and I had no clue about it).

Which meant, when after eveyrone else left and we continued to hang out – just me and him – then he kissed me. Which was wonderful and seemingly perfect. When he pressed for more, I stopped him. I then became “a tease”… I looked forward to talking to him again but was mystified when he ignored me completely the next week at school, no call, nothing… It was then I found out about the conversation in the bathroom from another friend and realized, okay so because I didn’t sleep with him he didn’t want me. Which for a girl leads to – if I ever want someone to want me, I have to sleep with them. Yeah, that is fucking great for a girls self-esteem and sense of self-worth.

So, romance movie/novel moments, yeah they happen but that is always one part of the story. In the end, its not real and it was just a moment that will either screw us up for a long long time or make us stronger. For me, it screwed me up. And its moment like this that creep up into my mind when I sit around trying to figure out what is wrong with me for hours on end… moments you think you forget completely and never really realized had an affect on you until 16 years later you are in your room at night and it dawns on you. That happens to me a lot.

BTW, he did apologize to me right before graduation. It was a random day at school when he came up and asked to talk to me but alone and not at school. We went to the library and talked in the car. He apologized and told me that he had really liked me and that he fucked up. I agreed with him but I never let him know how much he really hurt me. I saw him once after graduation, I ignored him and asked someone to take his table even though he was sitting in my section at the resturant. I never received an apology from the BITCH FROM HELL because well, I let her hurt me too many times and now I hope she burns in the hell she is from and dies painfully… and people wonder why I have a hard time trusting people.

I am one fucked up lady… with all the ways I have tourtured myself, who would want me. But enough of that. Someone, someday will… and I think they will be pretty damned lucky because I am a survivor, I’m not gon give up, I’m not gon stop, I’m gon work harder, I’m a survivor, I’m gonna make it,
I will survive, Keep on survivin’… and yes, that is the chorus from Survivor by Destiny’s Child.

But tomorrow is thanksgiving and I will have the day pretty much alone to remember what I am thankful for. I think I may write a post and say what and why. I have a lot… but that is for tomorrow not today. Today was just another ramblin’ bunch of crap as per usual.

BTW, if you have a chance pick up the book “Why We Suck by Dr. Denis Leary” – its funny as hell and you’ll get odd looks if you read it in public cause there will be moments when you get pissed off right before you almost piss your pants. hehehe…