I want to run… seriously, I want to be able to run several miles without stopping and feel the wind in my face. Hell, I would love to run for more then 30 seconds to a minute without feeling like I am going to pass out. I can sympathize with the main character in the movie – Run Fatboy Run very easily. Except he was probably in better form then I am at the moment or was. I hope at least I can run further then a few doors down from my home. Not much further but further no the less.

I can easily say, I have never been much of a runner. I was always the kid in class getting yelled at by the coaches to step it up and quite messing around and actually run like I was ordered to. Yeah, I slacked off… A lot. When I was in middle school, there were a few times I actually was able to run a full 400 without stopping. Usually when I was running with the fastest girl in our class – fastest as in running not the other, get your mind out of the gutter! And she forced me to keep up with her. I ran during basketball and volleyball practices for the suicides. In truth, I preferred those over running on a track.

In high school I was on the track and field team for a few years. More specifically the field team. I did shot-put and discus. I was suppose to run at the beginning of our practices and I did, from time to time. Mostly goofing off and checking out the soccer players on the schools team. Hey, they were H-O-T hot! Seriously. But I wouldn’t push myself. My knees hurt me and I could barely breathe at times.

Then came the time I wanted to join the military. Hey, I tried – I went to basic and everything. Just never graduated from basic. Why? Well, we were suppose to run in basic. I ran and finally one day I made my 15 minute 2 mile during our PT one day. Unfortunately, that was the day my knees gave out on me and I couldn’t use them for the next month or so very well. I was on crutches because they would give out on me completely if I tried to walk on them more then a few feet. It sucked ass, big time. But at least now I knew why… my knees are all kinds of screwed up. I have runners knee (aka patello-femoral syndrome or something like that) and the cartilage on my knees is all wacky as well as my lower leg bones being slightly twisted/deformed.

As for the out of breath part, I found out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have excercise induced asthma and my doctor said I have probably have had it my entire life and just didn’t know it. Which would make sense since I have always had problems with catching my breathe while playing sports (except swimming) and I have never been that good at holding my breathe for a long time. But the finding out is fun when you are on a side of a mountain hiking and you can’t take a step without feeling like you were going to pass out.

So, now we come to me today. I am about 100lbs heavier then when I left the military over a decade ago and out of shape. I have been working out since May but I still get periods of time when my knees just don’t want to work right. And I am getting annoyed as hell. I want to desperatly get the stamina and the ability to run but I can do interval run-walking for about a day or two before my knees just won’t let me run anymore. The intervals being: walk for a minute, run for a minute and so on. Sometimes I do walk for 1 minute 15 seconds, run for 45 seconds. Depending on how I am breathing at the time when I start to run.

But as I said, I am getting annoyed. I want to run. Running is an amazing feat to me. People who can run amaze me. Maybe because its never been something I was good at and it hurt to do. So, how do I get there? I try and I always seem to fail at this one little thing. I tried running last night after doing several nights of intervals – and couldn’t even get in step for 5 seconds let alone a minute of running.

I do not like to fail, I hate failing and I am tired of being a failure at so many things. I am tired of my knees hurting constantly and being limited on so many exercises because of my wrist or my shoulder or my back or my knee or whatever the hell decidesto be hurting this time around. Its frustrating and painful… and I will push myself as much as I can. I will push myself to tears and to the point where I can’t move. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to limit myself anymore because of stupid weaknesses. I am weak in so many ways and I am tired of it. And I am tired of crying because of the frustration that I have to dig thru just to get in a decent workout.

I need to tell my trainer, he will just tell me he told me so. He was worried I pushed myself too much the other day and I did. I’m stupid but I don’t want to be fat and ugly anymore. I don’t want to be a 1 anymore, can I at least be a 5?

I want to run… I want to be healthy, I want to by pain free for a few days. I not have to take an aleve and advil to just get thru the day. I mean, I know when I go to the movies tonight with my friend that I will not be able to walk down the stairs easily afterwards. End up looking like an old woman who needs a cane. Yeah, thats attactive…

In truth, I don’t want to just run. I want to excel at running. A few years ago my brother was doing triathalons and I told him I would like to do one, one day and he laughed. I know he didn’t mean any harm, I am fat and pretty lazy. So, the idea of me doing one of the premier atheletic events is pretty funny. Who knows maybe I will be able to prove him wrong? I would like to and I would like to succeed at that. But I didn’t realize when I told myself this how hard it would be to even get started with running. I mean after several months, I haven’t gone beyond where I need to do even think about training for such an event. Maybe one day… when I loose my fat and have stronger muscles I will be able to.

And no I can’t have surgery. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford cortozone shots either. And I wish I would of known about the asthma earlier – I wouldn’t of smoked.