Justification my butt…

I have to get this off my chest… my life is a little insane at the moment and I am feeling like I have to justify my actions of my life to people constantly.

So what I am selling my female tusken – why? I keep getting that. Because I have bills to pay and you know what, I am tired of feeling like I have to play dress up when I am not enjoying it that much anymore. I don’t. Its fun for a time then I get hot and uncomfortable in my costume then I become miserable. Does this mean I will not ever costume again? No, just I need a break from it. I need to stop spending a majority of my time worrying about people who I don’t like and who don’t like me and having to be around them just to wear my costume at an event. Seriously, I get stress when I have to deal with people who I know hate me. Having to put on a smiling face and act like nothing is wrong. I need to not use it as a reason to exist and hide from myself.

This isn’t everyone – just some. I love my friends that I have made over the course of years that have passed. And I want to be around them as much as possible but if that means they don’t want to talk to me anymore (as some of them have decided to do recently) then so be it… then maybe to me it was only a friendship. At this point I really don’t care. I can’t stay the person I have been since I moved to New Mexico. Letting people treat me like shit and acting like it doesn’t matter. And being seen as weak when I walk away. I don’t want to fight for falsness… its not me.

The other thing is the crap going on at work. Its stressful, we are loosing one of our stores (we have two locations) because our building was bought by Lowes and will be demolished to make way for their new building. We have to move. My mom put up a sign saying we are closing and I am tired already of having to justify why we are closing and dealing with the circling vultures of sales. Seriously, when a buisiness is closing its a highly emotional thing for the people who own it and work there. Putting pressure on them to explain how dare they close down… I’m sorry but that is down right rude! You are being put out because you will have to drive a few more blocks to another catholic store. WE are loosing part of our lives. Something we put our heart, sweat and tears into for almost a decade. And we have to be concerned for YOU. We are concerned with not breaking down.

And I wish like hell I could slap someone. We are open until December 29th… and people are expecting us to have the entire store for half off already. Seriously, another reason I hate people. We can’t afford to move to a new location – and the people bitching are the ones who only come in for a $1.40 candle every few months. Yeah that will sustain us. Go to Wal-Mart… I really don’t give a shit.

My life is an a total upheavel and I have people pressuring me to make them happy. You know what I am TIRED, fucking tired as hell of having to make everyone else happy before myself. So, what I am not going to do a costume to make your group happen… I am trying to keep my house, loose weight, go back to school and keep my mother from having a nervous breakdown thru this transistion right now. I am loosing my closest friends and they don’t care. All I want to do is pack up my bags and leave. Run away from it all but I can’t.

I have come so damned far from that night so long ago when I almost ended it all with a bottle of whiskey and sleeping pills. When I thought I had nothing to live for. That no one could ever love me – even my family. That I was nothing. Am nothing and worth nothing. I am not that person anymore. The person who threw away her life because she couldn’t make anyone around her happy.

My life is my life – I have to do what I have to do to survive. I have been thru hell and back so many damned times. And most of it alone. If I loose more of my friends, then I loose them. There has only been a handful of people who have seen me thru the hardest times and that was my family. So often in the past when my life spun out of control my friends walked away from me or I left them. Why would I want them to see it?

Am I too serious? Touchy? Yeah, probably but that is who I am. A shell of a person most of the times with emotinal scaring that is layered on top of each other. Each time someone treated me like I was worthless… and I am tired of feeling that. I am worth something. I AM WORTH SOMETHING! Even if it is only to myself and I don’t have to justify that to ANYONE.

One thought on “Justification my butt…

  1. I’m sorry if I was . . . . I’m not sure. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t had another bad trooping experience but from what you’ve just said it sounds like a lot of them have been bad.

    I know how much energy you put in it and I’m sorry to hear all of this.

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