school

Between Two Loves

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Most of the posts I make here, lately, have been about my writing. This is currently on hiatus since I am now back at school with a killer schedule. It is also my senior year. I understand that once I graduate it is time to go back out there and get a job but I also have plans to get into a masters program. Unfortunately, I have two passions that are pulling me in different directions and leaves me with a big question:

Do I get a masters in Literature (my current major)? Or do I go for a History Masters (my minor)?

Two subjects I completely love. At times I even wonder if I made the right decision going with a English masters instead of a history one. I am on the edge. I feel behind in knowledge of those who are in the history program. But I wonder if history is a better match for me?

How do you decide? I will let you know when I find out.

Summer Break… but only from school

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Two weeks ago was the end of the Spring semester of school which means it is time for Summer FUN! Or a chance to have more time to spend with my family and work on my novel. The last semester was a tough one but I got thru it with semi-flying colors. Of course, all I want to do sleep and play video games but instead I am forcing myself to open my computer and get back to work on my current book.

It has not been easy since it has been months since I have had a chance to write anything but papers for school or assignments for my writing class and I fell into the trap that happens often when you have to leave a story for a period of time — memory lapse. Yep, I have found that since I am not just writing but have decided to continue the editing from Chapter One and when I found a gap that needed to fill in I forgot several of the names of my characters. This made me glad that a few weeks ago I had printed out all of my information I had written up for the book. Background notes, plans, character profiles, etc. I had been told to write everything down in the past and I am glad I followed this advice not just because it is helping me with organization but also for event such as this. When you know the character but you forget a detail now all I have to do is flip to the book bible.

I will say the other issue for me at the moment is my desire to start a new story. Often inspiration is like lightning sometimes and that is what happened for me. I was researching a paper for school and inspiration hit me, as it usually does when I was reading something fascinating, for a story series. I just don’t want to get carried away with it though because I would end up abandoning my current work and I am determined to finish it. This has been issue for me in the past. I would jump from one story to the next one when I found a new story I wanted to tell. Instead, I am just working on the notes, writing down a few passages as I become inspired when I need a break from my current work.

At least the one thing I got done in the last few months is work on the prologue for my book. I had signed up for a writing class this past semester at school (plus to being an English major) and for our fiction piece I decided to work on this short section instead of writing something new. It turned out well. It helped me focus that aspect of the story and flesh out the history of the book more. I am proud of what it became and the response I received from it. I also signed up for some writing groups – one for mommy writers – people in similar position as me. Trying to balance writing with mothering. It isn’t easy. A lot of my free time this summer is being taken up by taking my son to soccer, swimming, and art lessons, as well as travel. It so incredibly worth it… and it makes my son happy as well.

And now, back to work. kiddo is sleeping and I only have an hour left to work on this chapter.

Another Fall Semester

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ImageIn 5 days time I will be starting another semester of college and I know I am looking forward to a heavy semester. I am glad though that the oxygen machine I received to help with my sleep apnea seems to be working and I have had at least a week and a half of full sleep in the past month. Having started out with only sleeping for a few hours of sleep with the mask on – I have now worked up with a consistent 6-8 hours of sleep in 4 nights out of 7 without ripping the mask off in my sleep. 

I have felt that metabolism has been bumped up, seeing as I am actually hungry during the daytime now and not just eating because I need to. Hopefully, this means that I will hopefully start losing some weight just from my natural metabolism working correctly. This, I hope will help with my classes this fall. That I won’t struggle as much as I did in the Spring semester. But my biggest concern is that I will  hopefully not lose time for my writing.

This is one of my concerns because my story is going so well and I do not want to lose momentum. Especially with the writers conference coming up next month. I had planned on having the manuscript done by the time school started, if not the final rough draft that would only have to be edited over the next four weeks. Instead, I have 3/4 of a novel to still write. Somehow I need to manage, along with homework and spending time with my child & husband, to write about 60,000 more words of my novel. Continue the plotting for it and writing a glossary for the world I am creating.

I am looking forward to this semester though because I am finally starting to take the upper level courses for my major/minor instead of only required classes. I will be studying a lot on two of my favorite topics: mythology and English history. I have a feeling my struggle course will be my linguistics class since I have no idea what it will be about, well other then the history of English language. l’sigh
Wish me luck and less stress over the next 18 weeks. Oh, and weight loss. Image

Annotated Bibliography Suck, Part 2

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Okay, now that sonny-boy is down for the evening it is time to finish up my last blog post. I already gave a quick run down on the War of 1812 and the Bombardment of Fort McHenry, where 1000 men were bombed for 28 hours straight. And I complained that I didn’t like annotated bibs even though I will have to write them again in the future… or speculated that I would.

Now, why do I dislike them so? It’s not that I think they are useless, they have their purpose. They breakout for the teachers where you are going with your research and your paper. It helps you compile everything into one area. Where are you going to go back to, to get your research on. I hate them because they are so damned difficult. I can write a bib, no problem, with a little help of the Owl at Purdue (probably the most important resource for anyone in school at any level). It’s the description part of it. I never feel like I get it right or I am doing it correctly, and I hate this feeling so much! I hate feel lost and discombobulated when I am doing something for school. It brings back all those bad emotions from when I was a kid. I can still hear my English teacher from 6th grade shouting in my face about how stupid I am.

Yes, I know, I need to get past these things and I am for the most part. I think everyone gets these emotions during their bad moments. Those doubts that ate away at you in the past can rear their ugly heads when they feel you are vulnerable. School can do this to me so easily. Yes, I love being in school right now but there are times it is such a struggle still. I didn’t give up in high school because I was lazy, I gave up because I knew in my head I was too stupid for it and it wasn’t worth the energy. I believed this whole-hardheartedly. It was draining. It still can be. I can still end up in tears with the pain that courses through my body when I begin to doubt myself. I had support at home but as anyone who has ever been a teenager knows… that doesn’t matter when everyone else around you helps confirm those doubts.

These are the same doubts that stall my writing as well. I have always wanted to be a writer, it was my secret dream but I am scared shitless of the possibility of success and/or the negative reviews that will come my way. Even the best writers in the history of the world have their haters. I do not know if I can successfully navigate that minefield when it comes down to it. The question than becomes… is achieving my dreams worth the negativity that will be aimed in my direction. Will I be able to, emotionally and mentally, survive it. I am luckier now then I was a few years ago… I have a husband who believes in me and will do anything to protect me. He also doesn’t allow me to drown in my own doubts, which he doesn’t understand why I have any. I don’t understand how he can’t see it. But isn’t that usually away… we are our own worst judges. I am harder on myself then anyone else could ever be; which could be a blessing but it can also be a negative because nothing is ever good enough in my own mind (when I think of my own expectations of myself).

So, the annotated bib? I will be doing it, even though it may be late, because I need to. I will swallow my doubts and get on with my life. It’s only a couple pages right?

Annotated Bibliographies Suck…

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I am currently working on several papers for school. One is due next week in my English class and I am supposed to write a critical study for one of the short stories in our book for class. The other one is in my History class and due at the end of the semesters and counts as our final. We could do it on any historical subject in American History prior to 1865 (the class title as well). But its not that we can just wait until the end of the semester and write it all at the last minute. We have several deadlines in class that will be graded that get us through major steps. Our first one was the topic – with the help of my prof I decided to focus on the bombardment of Fort McHenry during the Battle of Baltimore/War of 1812.

Now, tomorrow, we have to turn in our annotated bibliography for the paper. If anyone has ever written one, you kinda know why they suck to put together. Instead of having months to research and find your documentation, we have a few weeks to gather together what we will be using (5 primaries, 5 secondaries) for our research. Not only listing them but putting down a description of the item and the reason for using it. What it will support, etc.

I am sure they have a purpose: figure out your research, have it all focused and such. And I am sure this won’t be the last one I will ever write (especially since I am thinking of taking the next section from the same Prof) over the next few years for school. I am guessing they are necessary for thesis papers and such. My hubs and I have discussed the possibility of me going for my Masters after I get my Bachelors… I am sure they will be due then. But it is hard, having to find ten resources on what is considered a very minor skirmish in a war most people don’t even know happened. Strange as it may seems.

One would wonder why I would go for this subject then. Why not go for an easier topic like: Salem Witch Trials, Ben Franklin, Jamestown, etc. Other then the fact that they are super obvious to me as topics (I actually heard two people discussing the Witch trials with the prof), I grew up knowing about Fort McHenry and what was important about the day of the Bombardment beyond that of the writing of the National Anthem. My grandmothers family is from around there… about a short 10 minute drive, so when we would go to Baltimore for vacation and visit family it was always a destination we would visit as well. Why not? It is a beautiful place, full of history.

Why was it important? It kept the British from taking Baltimore, which at the time was considered more important then Washington being burnt down. Washington at the time was just starting to become the hub of the American government. The White House was there, famously burned down by the Brits, and the Capital but it was not the city it was today. Many people were afraid that if Baltimore (one of the countries richest and leading ports) was taken, the Brits could make their way to Philadelphia. So, our 1000 men at Fort McHenry, holding off the Brits for 25 hours and making them turn around was a big moment in our national history. That was in 1814, before the famous Battle of New Orleans with Andrew Jackson and two years after a war began with our invasion of Canada.

This year is also the bicentennial of the start of the war, I bet you had no idea. We didn’t really celebrate it but we should because it really affirmed us as a nation in the eyes of the rest of the world because we were able to hold our ground.

Now, I would love to lecture more but alas my son just woke up and I need to go get him.

Back 2 School, Mama!

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Here I sit, in the campus library, during my third week of school. I am exhausted, getting over being sick and looking at the books from the two classes I am taking. All the while feeling completely overwhelmed already but at the same time satisfied with being here. My parents are almost always shocked to hear about how much I love being in school now because I was a horrible student when I was younger and hated having to go. In fact, I probably missed more of my classes then I attended because I could care less by the time I reached my senior year. I had learned that I didn’t matter after I got tested for LD’s (learning disabilities) and I really didn’t care. I knew I was going nowhere in my life.

Enough of the self-pitying. It took years for me to come to the conclusion that I wanted to get my degree, no matter what. It hasn’t been easy. It took me eighteen years to get my Associates Degree, as well as attending five or six different community colleges in three different states, and I am now working towards my Bachelors. It also took me that long to realize that I wanted to get a degree in something I loved. I could care less about getting a degree in something that would guarantee me a big paycheck. As well as the fact, that I wanted to be able to get into a field where I could hopefully work around my child/ren lives, and not them live around mine.

My biggest hurdle was that this semester I was going to have to put my Son into daycare if I was going to continue working towards my degree. My hubs and I had long conversations. I wanted to just give up and stay at home with Son and any future children, I didn’t need a degree right? He pushed me and encouraged me to keep going. Son is almost a year and a half, he has spent his entire life up to now with just me. It will possibly be another year and a half before we can even comprehend having another kid. He needed to be around other children, to learn to socialize with kids his own age. I know there are some out there that consider my decision to go back to school as a selfish act, because I am putting that above taking care of my Son. Hell, I feel that way as well but I keep reminding myself that getting my degree will hopefully benefit him one day as well. He is also seeing that education is important because I am studying with him and in front of him. That as long as you have a dream, you can fulfill it no matter what your age or barriers that come up. My barriers were self-inflicted: I never thought I was worth the work to get a degree. I felt I was no one special so why try. Just like in relationships, my lack of self-love was hidden behind a false front of confidence (I didn’t need no one or anything to make me happy) when I was dying inside. I don’t want my son to grow up seeing that in a woman… a self-hatred, lack of self-respect. I want him to see me as a strong woman, who works like crazy for her dream.

Yes, I am giving up three days a week with him… well, partial days but our time together now is more precious. For three days a week, it is just me and him. On Saturday and part of Friday, its only daddy who exists. I am also giving up time with my husband. We now only have one day a week together because of my school schedule but those days are more about us being a family then me being with Son while Daddy works around the house. Hubs gets Fridays while we are at school to work and get things done. By the time we get home… we can be together. Saturday we can go out. Or they go out and I stay at home and study. Its working, it’s not easy but it works for us in the hopes that one day we can take bigger vacations together and show our child/ren the world, or get them into better schools, help them with activities, etc.

I also look at the benefits of Son being in school; I say school not daycare because they do learning time even if it’s a very broad amount of learning. In less than two weeks, his language skills are getting better (he says bye now), he is learning to wash his hands, put on his shoes, drink from a cup, serve himself food, etc. The school is also on campus, which helps me feel more secure. If something happens, I can be there within two minutes from anywhere on campus. He has an actual teacher who leads his classes, and comes up with lesson plans as well as at least four other ladies he can flirt with while he is there. He listens better than before, though he is still a handful, and like I said this is just after two weeks of classes. Maybe it sounds like I am justifying myself and in a way I am because I want to make sure he is happy. Yes, we have gone from not caring that mommy is even the room to screaming when I leave; but it doesn’t last long and when he takes his naps, we have a ton of fun when we get home. Some days there are screaming fits, especially when he is over tired and he is constantly wanting to be outside now but he sleeps better than ever (actually tries getting into his crib himself).

So, here I sit, wondering still if I am doing the right thing for our family and the answer will always be yes. We have goals for our family and to reach them, I need to be able to attend school. But I couldn’t do it without the support I get my Hubs. One of the benefits of marrying one of your closest friends, is you know that they always wanted the best for you and always will. While yes, we have to sacrifice time as a family and some alone time so I can study, we see it as being worth it. I lucked out with my Hubs cause he believes in me in a way that I wish I could believe in myself. Guess I need to take the time and look at myself through his eyes more often.

Workouts 7-4-09 to 7-11-09

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You may of noticed I didn’t post workouts last week and there is a reason for that – I took a week off from working out. I was stressed and my body just wasn’t working like it should and when I would go to the gym I would just be blah… I did workout for part of the last full week of June but I didn’t record it because of my mind set. In truth, the break did me well. I gave myself the ability to not worry about counting calories and could just breathe and relax. I was able to just restart and jumpstart my body again. By the time I started back on the 4th of July, I was ready and my mind was back into the game as well as my diet.

While I did gain weight from eating poorly… It is now coming back off. I redid my calorie intake guide for each day and reduced it around 100 more calories to 1880 per day. So far so good. I am determined to eat cleaner as well, as much as I can afford to because well – little cashes and fresh foods are NOT cheap. I am almost back to my lowest weight.

With my workouts – I have decided to keep working out 5 days a week but I am going to be limiting my workouts to 1hour – 1hour 30mins at the most. There may be one day every few weeks where I will do one of my 2 hour workouts but for the majority of the time, it will be the shorter workouts. This will give me a true workout and also allow me to not stress over taking time away from everything else going on. This is essential to my mind set since I am getting prepared for the fall semester at school and will be taking 3 classes. Not an easy task but I have figured out that if I want to get my associates within a reasonable time I will have to take 3 – 4 classes a semester and I will graduate in about 2 years time. Luckily, if I pass these current classes – my science requirements will be over with and then I just have to deal with the math. Once that is done, I should be good. I will post my classes once I get signed up and everything.

Okay – this past weeks workouts (my workout weeks will be from Saturdays to Friday, since I started back on Saturday – the day I declared my indepence from fat – get the 4th humor?! ha!)

7-4-09, Saturday

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosstraining, Level 7

Workout

10 – walking planks

Bicep Curls w/ ez bar – super set with triceps
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

Tricep Pushdown w/ v-bar
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

5 – walking planks

6m – Stair stepper, Weight Loss Program Level 5. 1m straight, 1m left, 1m right

3 x 10 @ 15# (each arm) – Hammer Strength ISO Shoulder Press
3 x 10 @ 10# + bar – bench press

6m – elliptical, glute trainer, level 8 (3m forward peddle, 3m backward peddle)

2 rounds of:
10 @ 6# medicine ball – Jackknives
10 – Ab Wipers on the floor
10 @ 6# medicine ball – Back Extensions w/ twist

Cool Down
15m – Stationary Bike, Hills, Level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 1020
Est. Time: 1h 20m

7-5-09, Sunday

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical, Level 4, Weight Loss Segment

Circuit

4 rounds: (about 1m break in between rounds to cool down, the humidity was insane today and my inhaler ran out)

10 @ 22lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Left Leg
10 @ 22lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Right Leg

10 @ 22lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Left Leg (on a 18″ step)
10 @ 22lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Right Leg (on a 18″ step)

1 Length – Walking Lunges, about 6 or 7 yards

30sec – Wall Sits

10 @ 22lb barbell – Deadlifts

10 @ 8lb Med Ball – Wood Cutter w/ squat (started in squat, stood and went to the left with moving the ball above my head w/ straight arms. Back Down to the squat and then back up to the right – this was 1 rep)

10 – Plyo Side Skip over 1 level of a stair step. (one skip over and back to start was 1 rep)

Ab Work

3 rounds (no breaks in between rounds)

20 – Leg Pull Ins (sat on the step up step and leaned back at a 45 deg angle and pulled my legs in to my chest)
15 sec – flutter kicks, laying on the step up step)

Time: 1h 15m
Est. Cal Burn: 954

7-6-09, Monday

Rest Day

7-7-09, Tuesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Cross Ramp, Crosstraining, Level 5
5m – Stretching

Workout

4 rounds of the following – no breaks
1m – Side lunges with one leg on step box with Walk Over
1m – Regular Lunges
20 @ 15# – Dumbbell Swing
15 @ 2 15# dumbbells – Chest Press
1m – Row Machine

Cool Down
5m – Stretching

Est. Time 1h 5-10m
Est. Cal Burn 803

7-8-09, Wednesday

20m – Treadmill, Intervalls, Incline 3, 2m walk – 3.0, 1m jog – 5.0 (186 cals)

3 rounds
12 @ 35# – Squat w/ row
10 – chin ups, counterweighted at 180#
10 – dips, counterweighted at 180#

15m – elliptical cross ramp, glute trainer, resistance 7 (175c)
5m – elliptical cross ramp, cool down, resistance 4 (50.5c)

5m – stretching

Est. Time 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn 621.5

7-9-09, Thursday

13m – Elliptical Crossramp, Weight Loss Program, Resistance Level 6

3 rounds:
20 @ 8# dumbbells – lat raises
15 @ 8# dumbbells – tricep kickbacks

2m – row machine

Abs
20 – crunches
3 x 20 – v crunches
10 – v crunches
5 – 10sec planks
2 – 30sec planks

10m – elliptical, fat loss program, level 4

17m – treadmill, intervals, level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 620
Est. Time: 1 hour 5 mins

7-10-09, Friday

Rest Day

too much studying leads…

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…to a very dull, stressed, crying Varza. That is right – I hate studying. Absolutely detest it with all my disgusting soul. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love school and learning new things but I hate the fact that I spent my last free weekend for a few months studying. I did go to dinner with a friend on Saturday night but couldn’t think of anything to talk about beyond my damned class. And on Sunday morning I was stressed from being up late Saturday night that when I went out with another friend to a movie and lunch I was in such a damned mood we got into a bit of a tiff. Course, in that situation I wasn’t the only one in a mood… so I can’t blame all that on my Anatomy class but I will because I can.

I think the main reason I do not like studying a lot is because its generally for classes that I suck in. And when I say suck, I mean big time. I actually sat in my class last Thursday starring at the teacher as he spoke with my mouth open and completely and utterly lost. Well, and I was trying not to fall asleep. I do that a lot when it comes to science classes that are not interactive. My mom had recommended I just sit and listen, I tried only to find myself fighting very hard to keep my eyes open for a majority of the class.

At least the quiz we had last week, I did better on then the first one. I got a 23 out of 30. Still got seven wrong but it wasn’t 9 wrong! ha! Like it really matters. I will spend another evening tonight, working on lab homework and studying/reading until I pass out from boredom.

This is a big hill in my journey – mainly because its a struggle and something in the past I would normally just walk away from because I hate feeling stupid and this lecture and lab make me feel like my IQ is actually a 27 instead of a 127 or is it 128? I can’t remember, I know when I am tired its 119 but whatever. Time to get back to work so I can finish up here then head to the gym for a few hours then home to study, eat, sleep, wake up and head back to the gym then study group and then class again.

Then add in the fact that I can not relax enough to truly enjoy reading a fun book, that I read and then get bored because the last thing I want to do is read another printed word… its sad really, I mean my life is books pretty much and I can’t find enjoyment in it. This class is destroying that!  I don’t even want to go into my lack of ability to write one creative word beyond “it was a dark and stormy night” and “a long time ago”. Ugh… breathe, varza, breathe! Only 9 more weeks and then it is over!

Damned my life is boring as hell! Next semester I am taking that damned film as literature class and western civ II. MUCH more interesting!

Time to Figure It Out Part 2!

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I told you I would be back to finish that last part of this adventure. If you need to reread or read for the first time, Part one go here: Time to Figure It Out Part 1.

Okay, when we last left off I rushed through what I thought I should major in. Since then I have had some deep discussions with my mom. She too didn’t go to college until she was in her 20s and 30s, mainly cause of raising kids and having to work to help support the household. My mom had some interesting thoughts on what I should major in but her main point was to just get a degree in something, and preferably something that wasn’t too specific. That if I go for a very specific degree it would be harder to find a job in just anything. Whereas a degree in just English or liberal arts would give me a degree and the ability for a wider range of positions. For example, I could go for a psychology degree, but in truth unless I am willing to go further in my education then a bachelors it is basically worthless.

She also stated that, this is what minors are for. I could major in English and minor in something else. This would give me a focus but not too specific a focus. Is she right? Probably but the real question is if it is right for me. I have no clue but I do know that my mom is speaking from experience. It took her over a decade to final graduate from college in her 40s. She went for an teaching degree… now she loved teaching but hated the politics of the administration in the education system today. So, now she has a teaching degree which isn’t really good for much beyond teaching.

I look at my brother, he went for a history degree with a teaching degree attached to it. He is stuck working in retail. I look at my friends who majored in psychology – one can’t find a job because that degree means nothing without, like I said, another degree attached to it; the other works for the government in a job that needs no degree for people to do. Another friend with a journalism degree who works at a gym for just about minimum wage. And the stories go on and on and on…

So, does the major really matter? And in that case, if I do this I can only be sure that it does not guarantee me a job in career just because I have a piece of paper. I have to really look to the outside of just the degree and find out – what do I want to study for 2 – 3 years and where would I like to go to school.

I have been looking and asking for information on some schools and found that not all of them have departments for all the different majors. Such as the University of Pittsburgh, a school I wanted to attend most of my childhood, does not have a journalism school. So, if I want to move back to Pittsburgh at all – I could not major in journalism. Not that really matters, there are plenty of schools that have a journalism department in different parts of the country.

I have stated before that I am looking at possibly moving out of New Mexico to another part of the country, preferably to the east coast. In my search for university and colleges I started to look overseas to the UK. One of my dreams since I was a kid was to live somewhere on the British Isles for a few years. This is a possibility for me to do with finishing up my final years of school. I couple of the universities I came across are very open to international students of all ages and also give scholarships to help pay for your time there – including housing. Depending on my major – this is another possibility for me.

I am right now stuck on two majors: Journalism or English. Either one would be good but part of me wants to follow my mothers advice and go for the more general degree of English (most places don’t have a general lib. arts degree anymore at least that I can see) and possibly do two minors. One in journalism and another in business. The business would give me a back up. Or do a double major in English & Business w/ a minor in Journalism. Something on my paper that gives me something more concrete in the real world. Something that I could grow with and hopefully give me a boost up in the insanity that is life.

Maybe I did not find my exact major at this time but I do now at least have it narrowed down to a more specific region of study. I have come to realize that there are things, while I think they would be fascinating to do, are things that I would hate doing as a career. Now, I just need to figure out that last bit but I have awhile before I have to have it solid. I can spend the next year finalizing it and helping it come to fruition.

Time to Figure It Out

/ Varza / 2 Comments

Here is one of my major stresses right now, which I have discussed before and am still working it out: what should I major in? I have a major right now of general studies for a transfer to a regular university after I finish at the local community college. And I have chosen several majors throughout the many years of schooling and always end up realizing its not the right one then quitting school because I have NO CLUE what I should be trying to focus on.

This is nothing new, I have spent my life jumping from one thing to the next. I want to be this and then I want to be that and so on and so on until I am where I am today: 33 years old with no idea of what I want to be when I grow up. I have wasted so many years trying to be something special or unique or super intelligent. Seriously. Here are some of my dreams from when I was a kid on up:

  • teacher
  • lois lane or journalist
  • princess (yes, I was very young at the time)
  • Rockette
  • broadway star
  • actress
  • writer
  • director
  • music video director
  • fashion designer
  • anthropologist
  • business owner
  • personal trainer
  • psychologist
  • restaurant manager
  • nurse
  • oceanographer
  • and on and on and on…

You can get a general idea. I have gone over a lot of these things several times since I was a youngling and I keep doing it. Right now, I have no inkling. Its not that I don’t think I won’t be good at anything; its more of a sense of well, I can do anything and be good at it. In all seriousness though, how do I narrow it down?

Why am I so concerned with this now? In all honesty, I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of saying I am going to school but not having a clue why I am even going there in the first place. I am not a stupid person but there is very little that I am whole heartily thinking I want to do. Jealously rears it head at times when I talk to people who have always known or known for most of their lives what they wanted to be since they were teenagers. Most of those people have their careers and have no desire to do anything else. I fear that when I finally choose something that I am will find I hate it or suddenly want to do another career. Of course, I have this same problem with men, I can’t settle on what I want there either because I am afraid I will choose unwisely and end up hating my decision.

There are some inklings and flashes I have had over the years of what I should do. I can see myself accepting an oscar for best screenplay or best actress, hell I even have my speech all prepared for when it happens. I can see myself listening to people discuss their problems. I can see myself in front of a classroom at a college discussing a number of subjects. I can see myself well, doing any of those things listed above. The question is though: would I be happy in any of those?

Being an actress would be great but I would hate the spotlight because I like privacy. Listening to people and helping them solve their problems would be fascinating but I would get bored because I don’t want to always have to deal with other peoples crap. Teaching would be interesting but I get annoyed when people ask stupid questions and how would I focus on one subject? See the problem there? My negative personality traits rear their head when I really start to think about that job.

I recently asked some friends and family a question: if you could see me being anything, in any career path, what would it be? The responses I got were earily simiular: writer, editor, goat herder. Actually the goat herder was a bit off the cuff and I think my brothers way of telling me he didn’t want to give me an answer. But I got writer and editor several times over. I would love to be a writer but I am horrible at it. Okay, not horrible at writing. Horrible at finishing all the damn stories that are in my head but I do like to write. I have fun with it. Now, I have that. Writing, I can do that but will I be able to make a career out of it.

I also recently asked for advice on finding a career where I can put to use all the useless knowledge in my head, which I have a lot of, and my ability to sound intelligent and knowledgable when I talk. Then I got the response of politician which I swiftly threw in the garbage because that is one career I have absolutly no desire to be in. I do not like politicians, I find most of them to be the scum of the earth.

So, lets look at what I am good at… what am I good at? I have no clue but I am going to try to figure out some of these things but I do know what I like to do!

  • writing – I am actually very good at writing, and I have a somewhat decent grasp on the english language
  • research – something interests me or I have a question about something, I am really good at finding out the answers and sometimes I am able to pass that knowledge on
  • and….. um, hum… I don’t know what else to write here.

There you go… I am sure there is more but in truth, my boss aka mom keeps coming back into the office and its hard to write when I keep having to change the screen. My thought process is getting jumbled with actual real life work…

I do have an inkling of where I am going with this… Can you guess? I think I know where my niche is, its just wether or not it will want me. My thought the other day that I should maybe look back to my childhood dream job. What I really wanted to be when I grew up. I used to annoy the heck out of my brother pretending to be a journalist like Lois Lane before I could even write and for years I would walk around with a notepad and pencil, writing down everything people said (in my own pre writing scribble that only I could read) and well anything and everything. Even the prices at the cornerstore.

What is this job? I already said it and if you have ever read a comic book you will know. And who knows, maybe I will finally meet my “superman”.

I will attempt to continue this train of thought in my next blog but we will see won’t we. I am bad at the whole follow through thing.