Working Out

Just Another Day

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Its another Friday and as per usual I am stuck at work. Its been a crazy week… really really crazy week.

I got my last paper back from my teacher in my Analytical Writing class… 98. I really have no clue how I am getting these grades. I never got grades like this back in the day. I know I talk about it alot but I am surprised. I was an below average student. I graduated high school with barely a 2.5 gpa and my only college choice was the local community college. Which I did a semester in before quitting.

Lets see what else… my past week was stressful for health concerns. I found a lump in my breast last week – after waiting a few days before calling the doctors to make sure it wasn’t just a swollen gland. But luckily, after going to the docs and my first ever mammogram – I am clean and cancer free. What it is is a cystic fiber – something or another. Basically a bunch of fibers that formed a cyst that will go away with lack of caffeine. And I have been drinking a lot of caffeine lately – which helps make these little buggers. But I didn’t tell the world until now because I didn’t want to have to contact everyone and say – hey I found a lump and then a week later say – oh it was nothing but a stupid cyst. But in truth, its still scary. I was stressed to the max and my mom tried to console me but it doesn’t always help. I just wanted to know.

I sold my kilt – it had gotten to big for me… I am using some of the money to buy new t-shirts because most of mine are now also too big for me. I can wear a large now – its tight and fitted but I think it looks good. I don’t really know. Guess I will find out when I get it in. I mean, I can’t buy babydolls yet but I prefer the mens style shirts anyways. Oh and the rest is to pay bills off… I always have bills to pay off.

My workouts have been kinda blah… I took Monday and Thursday off and part of me does not want to go to the gym tonight but just go to the movies right after work instead. But I will go and do something. I have no idea what but I have to do something. I am down another lb this week though. So, yeah! But psychologically I am utterly beat and don’t want to think about anything. But if I go today I can take Sunday off…

With work, stress about school, trying to find money for school and everything else – I just need to escape. And even though I love my Sims 2 – its just not doing it right now. I recently started playing again just to get away from my real world and into a fake world where I can control everything and give my fake people lots and lots of fake mulla and build them big houses!

But I got notice that my day for class sign up for the summer is coming up. I figured out which classes I am going to take during the summer session – a science and lab. We will see if I get into the anatomy and physiology class like I want to. I do need to spend sometime this weekend appliying for finanical aid and hope to the gods that I actually get it. I am afraid I may make too much and they don’t take into account that I have a hellasious mortgage but as always, we will just have to see.

I have some other things I want to talk about but will do that another day… I need to eat lunch.

Workouts this week – as per usually the m stands for minutes, # for pounds:

3-21-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 2.5mph

Toning
3 x 15 @ 40# – Rear Delt
3 x 15 @ 60# – Fly
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Abductions
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Adductions

Cardio
25m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8

3-22-09, Sunday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, Intervals
Stretching

Round 1
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 2
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, rolling hills, 4.0mph

Round 3
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 4
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# +bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 5
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
15m – treadmill, intervals inclines, 3.5mph

3-24-09, Tuesday

20m – Elliptical Crossramp, Intervals, Resistance 8
Stretching
1 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Extensions
3 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Curls
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine
10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals

yeah I know its really short but oh well, it was a long day. I had to go for some testing early yesturday morning and I was just beat.  This was the day I went for the mam.

3-25-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Incline 5
Stretching

Workout
4 x 10 @ 60# – Smith Squats
4 x 12 @ bar only – underhanded row – freeweights
4 x 12 @ 10# weights – lat raises
1 x 15 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
3 x 10 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
4 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – stability ball chest press
4 x 10 @ 20# barbell – curls
4 x 20 sec – curls
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep
4 x 20 sec – reverse crunches
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep

Workouts and A Realization

/ Varza / 1 Comment

Weighed in this morning – a solid 218 – a total loss of .8 lbs since last week.

I’ve been looking at my calorie intake vs my burn and I am wondering if I am not eating enough.

According to a calculator I just did I can eat :

Quote:
If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2444.3 calories per day.

And according to the online food journal I use…

You should consume about 2250 calories a day to reach your goal weight of 195 lbs.

This is at a reasonable weight loss average of 1.5 lbs per week, which should be reached by July 05, 2009.

Remember that this estimate is based on your body weight, height, age, gender, and activity level. It may vary slightly depending on other factors.

I am averaging about 600 – 900 calorie burn per workout (avg of the course of the past 7 days), adding to my avg daily burning of 2790… that is about 3390 – 3690. I don’t even want to think about those days I burned 1500 cals during a workout and barely ate anything.

Intake wise… over the past 7 days I have avg about 1500 – 1900 calories per day.

Giving me a difference of 1790 – 1890 calories between my intake vs. burn. I have read that you should have more then 1200 calories difference?

I am wondering if I am not eating enough so when I have a cheat day all that extra is being held hostage by my body because it feels it is being starved? I think so. But we will see what happens. I will be talking to my trainer tonight and seeing what he thinks.

3-18-09 Workout

Warm Up
15mins – Treadmill 2.5mph incline intervals.
Stretching

Power Aerobics Class – basically:

Group Power is your hour of power! This 60 minute barbell program strengthens all your major muscles in an inspiring, motivating group environment with fantastic music and awesome instructors with simple, athletic movements such as squats, lunges, presses and curls, Group Power is for all ages and fitness levels. Discover results, discover Group Power!

3-19-09 Workout

20mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Resistance 7, Cross Training – lots of leg work.
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine
3mins – Intervals, Incline 5, 3.5 & 4.8 (this is when I realized I forgot to do my inhaler before workout and couldn’t breathe. d’oh!)
17mins – Treadmill, Incline 5, 3.5mph

Thats about it. My body is still really sore from the power workout. Today is my rest day. Back to the gym on Saturday for more fun and games!

Nothing much else, getting ready to set an appointment to get my hair done. I’ll post a pic of it when I get done being made pertty…

3-16-09 Workout and School Crap

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Hip is okay. Talked to my trainer – its just because the muscle is inflamed and swollen. So, I am not going to do any running until I can go a day of walking and it doesn’t cramp on me. I am going to put some ice on it now cause its burning a bit but in a good way. I did a lot of cardio. Well, a good amount not a ton. Trying to keep my workouts to around an hour like the article that my friend marc posted about muscle catabolism that suggested this is what I should do. It has really been helping doing that. I am less drained and stressed on time.

Workout
20min- Treadmill, 3.4mph, Random Inclines
Stretching

2 x 25 – Crunches on Stability Ball
2 x 5 – Wipers (I drop my legs to the floor on these unlike the guy on the video)
2 x 5 – Leg Lifts (but I move my legs down more slowly then the video)

5mins – Stair Stepper

30mins – Treadmill, 3.5 & 4.0 (15m each), Hills

I also got back my Western Civilization take home test today and got a 95 our of a 100! 25 points (perfect score) on the definitions and 70 out of 75 on the essay! I was shocked to say the least, I never got grades like this growing up and I was sitting there the whole time waiting to get it back thinking that I defiantly failed the essay part. Imagine my shock when my teacher said, “and this is the other person you should be upset with for messing up the curve!” It was me and one other guy. I was like… damn, I never messed up anything like that in my life! I am a smart girl, I really am!

3-15-09 Workout

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Just a quick post on my workout for today. It was nice cause the gym was really empty and quiet so I was able to not worry about other people being around me and could really focus on getting thru the workout quickly and efficently.

Yesturday, I was going to try and make it to the gym but didn’t. Got there but realized when I was dressing that I forgot my shirt to workout in. Instead I went home and worked on my paper for school. But I made it to the gym today and when I was getting ready I had not just one but TWO shirts with me today.

Todays workout is brought to you by my trainer – he put it together for me over breakfast. Basically one movie per body part.

Warm Up
15mins – Treadmill, Incline Intervals, 3.5mph
Stretching

Workout: basically the workout goes as one of each of the toning, then abs then the cardio… rest then start again at the beginning. Took about 10minutes per round.

5 sets of 10 for each of the following –
(legs) 40# – Squat on Smith Machine
(back) 70# – Hammer Strength ISO-Frontal Pull down
(chest) 40# – Hammer Strength ISO-Decline Press
(arms) 20# – Triceps Extension

5 sets of ab workout – 25 each set
3 sets of bicycles
1 set of double crunches
1 set of jack knifes w/ 5# medicine ball

5 of the following – 1 done at the end of each round
3m – Row Machine

Cool Down
10m – Random Inclines, Treadmill, 3.5mph

I am sore all over and tired but I feel great! Even better… during my cool down I was watching ESB on the tv and it was my fav scene and personally what I think is the most romantic scene in the history of movies.

So, I am definatly not giving up. I am blaming my PMS… yes, my PMS for my insanity this week. I am noticing a bit of a weirdness on my hip though, I think that comes from the injury I had to my hip earlier. I’m going to show it to my trainer and see what he thinks.

More Workouts and Fears…

/ Varza / 2 Comments

Okay, so I know I didn’t post my last few workouts but things have been a bit crazy health wise. Seems like my body is wanting for me to not complete this mission and I had a horrible disappointment when we did my body fat measurements and found out I went 0.8% in the last three months. I am suppose to be going DOWN not UP! So it will soon be time for a complete overhaul of my workouts…

Its even sadder since I have increased my cardio in the past few months even though there have been struggles with side stitches, cramps, pulled muscles, etc. So, obviously I am not getting the best workout I need to. And a complete and total frustration I might add. I did spend a good portion of my Wednesday even in tears and fighting my desire to just quit. I’m not going to but its hard not to. There is a very loud voice in my head that seems to want me to find reasons to fail and screaming very very loudly for me to to do just that.

I have been posting on my 300 boards about this and one of my wonderful friends over there linked me to an article about muscle catabolism… when you have more negative than positive agents working in your system. Seeing as I haven’t been sleeping well for the last few months and my stress levels are uber high with being constantly on the go… my brain is working against me in so many ways.

I spoke with my trainer – well texted cause I was crying and couldn’t talk. We will be sitting down and making a workout program for me to follow to get the best workout possible. I am tired of failing at things in life – seriously failing. I have failed in pretty much every way you can imagine but I do not want to fail in this one.

Its hard though because there are a lot of workouts I want to do but I don’t because I either don’t want to look foolish in front of complete strangers, am afraid to do them alone because I don’t know what I am doing or am unsure of myself. Next to my sense of failure this sense of just being unsure is excruciating. I don’t like asking for help and I should, I just don’t. This is something I have had to deal with my entire life. I just need to maybe write on something “Fortune Favors the Bold” and just realize, I’m not the only one out there feeling this way. Seriously, some workout magazine needs to do an article on overcoming your fears at the gym. Its hard.

So, I will no longer be doing 15 reps but more sets at 12 reps each, and 3 or 2 sets where I need to. Here are my workouts from the last few days (please not that the use of a number w m behind it is minutes, not miles and my way of recording is 2 x 12 @ 60# – is 2 sets of 12 reps at 60 pounds. If I adjust the weight during my sets I don’t put a # there at all…)

3.10.09 Workout:
16m – intervals, 1m walk, 1m run
had to stop and stretch my hip, it killing me like crazy right now. As is my knee.
15m – walking, 3.5, incline 3

3.11.09 Workout:

Warm Up
12m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosttrainer, Resistance 6
Stretching

Workout
20 @ 40 – ISO Lat Chest Press
10 @ 60 – ISO Lat Chest Press
12 @ 50 – ISO Lat Chest Press
15 @ 40 – ISO Lat Chest Press
20 @ 30 – ISO Lat Chest Press
2 x 12 – Kettle bell raise with dumbbell, right arm
2 x 12 – Kettle bell raise with dumbbell, left arm
15 – push ups on knees at incline
10 – push ups on knees on floor
3 x 12 @ 15 – bicep curls
3 x 12 @ 30 – tricep curls
1 x 15 @ 10 – bicep curl
1 x 15 @ 15 – bicep curl
2 x 20 – Jack knives with 5# medicine ball

that was it… my shoulder gave on me during the push ups on the floor. no cardio either because my hip, knees and calves were still hurting from yesterday.

3.12.09 Workout:

Warm Up
11m – Elliptical Crossramp, Interval, Resistance 8
lots and lots and lots and lots of stretching

Toning – each pair I went back and forth with one set with one then a set on the other, back and forth
4x 12 @ 60# – Seated Row
4 x 12 @ 35# – Chest Press

3 x 12 @ 70# – Lat Pulls
2 x 12 @ 25# – Lat Raises

25 – Stability Ball Crunches

4 x 12 @ 95/100/95/90 – Seated Leg Press, Feet placed high to get a more back of the leg workout
3 x 12 @ 75/80/75/70 – Seated Calf Press (this one hurt like the dickens but I wanted to get SOME leg work in today)

75 – Stability Ball Crunches (15 w/ 5# medicine ball)

20 – Incline Mason Twists w/ 5# Medicine Ball

That is it. It is Friday and Fridays are my days off from working out. I am going out for the evening and hope to relax some before heading into work tomorrow morning.

3-9-09 Workout

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I am going to start posting some of my workouts – maybe not all but when I can remember to post them 😀

Thanks everyone! I am going to see if I can take one of the PT classes at my school or one of the PE classes next semseter.

Todays workout – went fast. Even if I didn’t workout since Thursday, I still have a ton of homework to do before wednesday. But still got about an hour in.

Warm Up
5mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 10
Stretching

Workout
3 x 20 @ 120/125/115 – Hip Abductions
3 x 20 @ 120/125/115 – Hip Adductions
3 x 15 @ 90/95/85 – Leg Press
3 x 15 @ 75 – Calf Machine
5mins – Treadmill, 3.5mph, incline intervals 2/10
3 x 12 @ 60 – Leg Curls
3 x 12 @ 60 – Leg Extensions

Cardio
23mins – Treadmill Intervals, 2mins walk (3.5mph/incline 2), 1mins run (5.1mph/no incline)

Estimated Calorie Burn: 820

Basically ran until the bones on the back of my knees started to hurt. Then stopped.

If you are wondering why I slipped in a 5m cardio in the middle of my toning, there is a method to my madness. Basically cardio burn. It helps get my heart rate up in the middle of my workout to burn those calories. Especially when I am using the machines only that day. Mixing it in like that also helps spread my cardio out during an entire workout instead of just at the end or the beginning.

And it keeps going and going…

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… and going. Its been awhile since my last post about my weight loss. With all my emotional crap with being single and all that other fun crap, its hard to remember that part of why I started this blog was to talk about my weight loss.

So, basically, it is still going. I have lost around 40 some lbs and while I have about 80 more to go, I am pretty happy. Frustrated because it isn’t going fast enough but happy that it is going.

My problem has basically been – I start to loose the weigh, go down a few lbs then spend several weeks swinging back up a few lbs then back down then back up and back down and then loose a few more then start all over again.

Its mainly my diet. I haven’t been as good as I probably should for months now. I am tired of it, a bit, but the big thing is late night snacking. I get extremely lonely at night with no one to talk to and I get bored. I get bored – I eat like crazy. I have been trying to not eat but its hard.  I am not sure what to do… and in truth, I don’t want to workout at 11pm right before I go to bed. And I can only eat so much fruits and veggies without turning my stomach contents into liquid.

I don’t have the time I want to be able to make the yummy smoothie-protein shakes I used to. Plus all that fruit costs an arm and a leg. Money is an option, and I would rather pay my bills then not and buy a truck load of fruits.

At the moment, a friend and I are looking at my workouts and trying to reorganize them into something more. Something more then just a basic workout where I can get the best possible response from my body. Its not easy because I want to tone and loose fat. So I have to make sure I don’t over do it on the weight machines.

I am finding help from some magazines, my trainer and an on-line workout/costuming group. The magazine I am recommending is “Oxygen“. I have read quite a few different ones but this one seems to be really about getting healthy and working out. Women’s Health has relationship, fashion and sex advice. Oxygen is all about the workout and nutrition. Plus, it is really nice that on their covers are professional athletes not an actress who has great abs. While I am sure their workouts are great – I would rather see someone who does it for a living giving me their advice. Personally, i don’t want to read about the personal lives of a celebrity – that isn’t what I want out of my fitness magazine.  But maybe its just me?

So after almost a year of doing this, its time to look at my past workouts and reevaluate – and set a new goal. And not just a weight loss goal but something that will be a goal I have to focus on to gain a change. I have one in mind but I am superstitious and don’t want to talk about it just yet.

I am also coming up on the last few months of my golds gym membership and have to decide if I am going to stay there or move to another gym. I found out that Defined Fitness has a student discount membership – its still more expensive then Golds by about 17 bucks but there is the added advantage of their pool. Which would mean I won’t have to trek it on down to the local public pool where there are swim teams and kids jumping on me. Which is a total advantage. Now that it is warming up again and my old swim suit fits again – its time to head back and in truth, adding it up: Defined Fitness is cheaper then going to Golds and going to the public pool.

One draw back is that they are only in New Mexico – if I were to go somewhere else, I am stuck with no gym to go to. Meh, I will figure it out as we get closer to my close date.

But I wanted to give some of my latest stats –

Chest: original-52″,  now 44″
Neck: original-16″,  now 13.8″
Waist: original-49″, now 35″
Hips: original-53.5″, now 44″
Biceps: original-14.5″,15″, now (L)11.5″ ,(R)11.5″
Forearms: original-11″,12″,  now (L) 8.5″,(R) 8.75″
Thighs: original-30″,32,  now (L) 22.”,(R) 22.”
Calves: original-18″,18″,  now (L) 15″,(R) 15″

Like I said its a long process but I am working hard at it…

Weight Loss Woes

/ Varza / 3 Comments

I am damned sexy and any man would be lucky to have me! I know its true, you know its true… so why don’t guys figure that out until its too late? Seriously, they do. Damn them all! lol…

But none of that today. Today is just a general post about my working out and possibly some school stuff, since that started this week.

I have been working on losing weight for about 8 months now and it has been a hard ass struggle so far. On average I should be able to lose about 2 lbs a week, I am averaging about 5lbs per month. On the whole I have lost about 40lbs and mky weight just struggles and struggles to come off and it is a bit tiring. Its hard to like yourself when you hear how fast people are loosing weight and how easy it is for them. Hence, why I have stopped watching infomercials. Those things can be killer on your self-esteem. I lost 40lbs in 8 weeks!

I know I have lost weight and dress, shirt and pants sizes. I am down about 3 sizes now, maybe 4. I work my ass off at the gym each time I go. Okay maybe 98% of the time I go but I am starting to get frustrated. I do ab work every time I see no real changes there. It looks in the same shape. I work and it hurts but in the morning or a few hours there is no pain. So, the question is – am I working out hard enough. How can I know?

I know my trainer has been pushing me and says I am doing great but I don’t feel that way. If I had done as well as I could I would be under 200# by now. Is it because I am not starving myself with my diet. Eating small portions and not always getting the salad at dinner and order a hamburger cause that is what I am hungry for. I refuse to do that and maybe that is my problem. I satisfy my cravings. Now, I don’t go gung how and eat an entire container of ice cream in a siting. Heck I haven’t had ice cream in over a month.  And its not easy but I do it. I don’t eat as many carbs as I want but I still eat like a normal non-dieting person. Not alot, I stay within my calorie margin I believe and watch what I put into my mouth. I eat a lot of salads.

Why won’t I crash diet? Well, basically I want to be able to continue to eat normal and still loose weight. So that when I get to my goal I will be able to eat a normal diet and not gain it all back. Its hard and yes, it is meaning slower results but I am looking in the long run. I have done weight watchers and Jenny Craig but I have failed on both of them. Big time and ended up gaining all the weight back plus more in the end.

But what I would really like to do is go to the doctors and see if there is anything medically that needs attention. I have a feeling I may have a disorder that is part of the reason I gained weight (other then the major snacking and crap eating) as fast as I did and part of why its coming off slowly.

I trust my trainer. He knows what I eat and he doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong. He sees what I eat when I go out to dinner and usually gives me an okay on certain foods. Yes, I do text him when I am out from time to time to discuss my options. He is a good trainer and friend.

So where am I now? Well, heavier then I want to be but getting there. I don’t want to take an entire year from now to loose the last 70lbs to my goal. So what do I need to do? not change my diet… but increase my cardio during my workouts. Not take a day off of cardio just because I am tired and don’t want to even if I have time, like I did last night. But go ahead and do it.

Why won’t I diet more? Well, I like food. I like to eat out. I don’t like to deprive myself of things that bring me joy in life when I can adjust a little – like going protein style on a really goodd burger instead of not having the burger at all? Not having fries but having a salad and stealing one from my friends plate during dinner if I feel the need for one.

Am I succeeding, yes? Yes I am and in my own long ass hard way. I am stubborn what can I say and it seems that my body took up my mentality. 😀

Run Fatgirl Run

/ Varza / 1 Comment

I want to run… seriously, I want to be able to run several miles without stopping and feel the wind in my face. Hell, I would love to run for more then 30 seconds to a minute without feeling like I am going to pass out. I can sympathize with the main character in the movie – Run Fatboy Run very easily. Except he was probably in better form then I am at the moment or was. I hope at least I can run further then a few doors down from my home. Not much further but further no the less.

I can easily say, I have never been much of a runner. I was always the kid in class getting yelled at by the coaches to step it up and quite messing around and actually run like I was ordered to. Yeah, I slacked off… A lot. When I was in middle school, there were a few times I actually was able to run a full 400 without stopping. Usually when I was running with the fastest girl in our class – fastest as in running not the other, get your mind out of the gutter! And she forced me to keep up with her. I ran during basketball and volleyball practices for the suicides. In truth, I preferred those over running on a track.

In high school I was on the track and field team for a few years. More specifically the field team. I did shot-put and discus. I was suppose to run at the beginning of our practices and I did, from time to time. Mostly goofing off and checking out the soccer players on the schools team. Hey, they were H-O-T hot! Seriously. But I wouldn’t push myself. My knees hurt me and I could barely breathe at times.

Then came the time I wanted to join the military. Hey, I tried – I went to basic and everything. Just never graduated from basic. Why? Well, we were suppose to run in basic. I ran and finally one day I made my 15 minute 2 mile during our PT one day. Unfortunately, that was the day my knees gave out on me and I couldn’t use them for the next month or so very well. I was on crutches because they would give out on me completely if I tried to walk on them more then a few feet. It sucked ass, big time. But at least now I knew why… my knees are all kinds of screwed up. I have runners knee (aka patello-femoral syndrome or something like that) and the cartilage on my knees is all wacky as well as my lower leg bones being slightly twisted/deformed.

As for the out of breath part, I found out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have excercise induced asthma and my doctor said I have probably have had it my entire life and just didn’t know it. Which would make sense since I have always had problems with catching my breathe while playing sports (except swimming) and I have never been that good at holding my breathe for a long time. But the finding out is fun when you are on a side of a mountain hiking and you can’t take a step without feeling like you were going to pass out.

So, now we come to me today. I am about 100lbs heavier then when I left the military over a decade ago and out of shape. I have been working out since May but I still get periods of time when my knees just don’t want to work right. And I am getting annoyed as hell. I want to desperatly get the stamina and the ability to run but I can do interval run-walking for about a day or two before my knees just won’t let me run anymore. The intervals being: walk for a minute, run for a minute and so on. Sometimes I do walk for 1 minute 15 seconds, run for 45 seconds. Depending on how I am breathing at the time when I start to run.

But as I said, I am getting annoyed. I want to run. Running is an amazing feat to me. People who can run amaze me. Maybe because its never been something I was good at and it hurt to do. So, how do I get there? I try and I always seem to fail at this one little thing. I tried running last night after doing several nights of intervals – and couldn’t even get in step for 5 seconds let alone a minute of running.

I do not like to fail, I hate failing and I am tired of being a failure at so many things. I am tired of my knees hurting constantly and being limited on so many exercises because of my wrist or my shoulder or my back or my knee or whatever the hell decidesto be hurting this time around. Its frustrating and painful… and I will push myself as much as I can. I will push myself to tears and to the point where I can’t move. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to limit myself anymore because of stupid weaknesses. I am weak in so many ways and I am tired of it. And I am tired of crying because of the frustration that I have to dig thru just to get in a decent workout.

I need to tell my trainer, he will just tell me he told me so. He was worried I pushed myself too much the other day and I did. I’m stupid but I don’t want to be fat and ugly anymore. I don’t want to be a 1 anymore, can I at least be a 5?

I want to run… I want to be healthy, I want to by pain free for a few days. I not have to take an aleve and advil to just get thru the day. I mean, I know when I go to the movies tonight with my friend that I will not be able to walk down the stairs easily afterwards. End up looking like an old woman who needs a cane. Yeah, thats attactive…

In truth, I don’t want to just run. I want to excel at running. A few years ago my brother was doing triathalons and I told him I would like to do one, one day and he laughed. I know he didn’t mean any harm, I am fat and pretty lazy. So, the idea of me doing one of the premier atheletic events is pretty funny. Who knows maybe I will be able to prove him wrong? I would like to and I would like to succeed at that. But I didn’t realize when I told myself this how hard it would be to even get started with running. I mean after several months, I haven’t gone beyond where I need to do even think about training for such an event. Maybe one day… when I loose my fat and have stronger muscles I will be able to.

And no I can’t have surgery. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford cortozone shots either. And I wish I would of known about the asthma earlier – I wouldn’t of smoked.

Dang it all!

/ Varza / 1 Comment

So, half the weight I lost after going back to the pool is pretty much back. To my utter frustration and contempt of my body. I have increased my workouts and I don’t know what else to do… I am stuck in this rut between certain weights and I am fluctuating like crazy and its pissing me off.

I am going on a cruise in just over 4 months and I want to be down 60 more pounds by then and I don’t think I can do it. I have been at this for 4 months already and I have barely lost 30lbs in all that time. I want to loose 3 – 4lbs a week… I am loosing inches – I am down another dress size but I still don’t feel like I am making any headway what so ever on this.

I don’t know what else to do… I am barely eating 1500 – 1700 cals a day and that is with working out. I guess my biggest hurdle is the carbs and cheese/fats. I love them. I can’t help it. My latest trainer has told me to not eat any complex carbs after 7:30pm and I did okay for about 2 days then last night I broke down and had a bowl of cereal and a glass of OJ about 30 minutes before bed. Not good, not good at all.

I have no idea how to get it into this stubborn, bull head brain of mine to change. The only thing I can think of is to start increasing my works ontop of the cutting of the carbs – which I will not cut out just cut back – I am just tired! Tired of being fat and not making headway. I am not used to this with my body. It used to respond quickly and I would see changes a lot faster.

My old trainer stated the other day when I was talking to him that things will start happening soon and I will start seeing more and more changes faster then I was before. But how far away is soon? I mean I am seeing changes already but not enough to not make me frustrated at myself.