I have come to the realization over the past couple weeks that I am extremely lonely. I mean, yes I have a lot of friends but there is something seriously missing from my life and today I realized… I want a relationship. I real relationship not just random dates or sitting on my ass at home with another body in the room. But I miss the hugs and kisses one gets from a significant other.
Part of it was, recently I was looking for a roommate for a cruise I am going on in Feb and I had no one that wanted to go with me. Not a single person in my life wanted to go on a cruise with me. What is it like to be in a relationship with someone and travel with them? I love to travel and while I don’t mind traveling alone, after so many years of always planning alone – most of the time – its getting very very lonely.
I am not desperate for a relationship. I’m not going to jump into a long term relationship with just anyone. I want to meet the right person and sadly – I don’t want to join an online dating service to do it. I mean, I know a lot of guys but I’m not their type or they aren’t mine and I am already good friends with them. I don’t want to chance ruining a friendship for a relationship. I tried that already and it didn’t work. I just want to meet the right person.
For the first time in my life, I want to be in a relationship. I truthfully, have never cared before. Yes, I have had that same feeling of wanting to date and the pressure to be a in a relationship that we all get and have been in relationships but never felt that it was time to stop being alone and break down this wall I have in front of me to keep people out.
Last year on my birthday, I made a promise to myself that I would take a year completely for myself and work on making myself a better person. A better me. Fix some of those problems that keep me guarded and stand-offish and just not worry about it. And in just over a month, that year is over.
Am I feeling that I need to be in a relationship because of my subconcious saying I need to breed because that it what we live for? Or do I really want on? The only thing I come up with is, I really want one. I want to share my life with someone. The goods and the bads. Someone who wants the same from me.
I see a lot of people I know in loving relationships. Who support one another and are so damned happy. At least it seems that way from where I stand. I would like the have that. But I am scared. Very scared at the thought of opening myself up like that to another living being. Of having to let someone into my world. Of trusting and loving someone, who may in the end… hurt you beyond belief. I have been hurt like this in the past. I don’t want it to happen again.
I mean, I haven’t had the best relationships since my first date when I was 13. I always pushed away the good ones and let the bad ones in. I have been cheated on too many times and left for someone else. I am not sure why. Maybe because I am simply not good enough for anyone. That I will never find love because I am just not lovable. Its easier to have someone hate you then it is to love you. Hell, its easier to hate yourself then love yourself. I know, I struggle with that everyday. But I can’t help but wonder, is there anything about me that would make someone want me. And often, I can’t help but say no there isn’t. Cause if there was… wouldn’t someone have loved me already?
I have been on this Earth for 32, almost 33 years and in that time, only with one person have I felt completely and utterly perfect with. And he is gone. No where to be found. And probably found a small, petite girl to fall in love with. A girl who is 100% girly. Not into comic books and sports. Who woud rather not have a deep intense conversation about something random then talk about something friviulous like fashion. Who spends a ton of time getting ready in the morning. Someone the opposite of me… cause all the ex’s I do know of – found love with someone like that. The total opposite of me. But how do I change the core of who I am? And should I? I mean, if in all these years not one guy I have known could care about me beyond a friend or just been the wrong one… will it ever happen for me?
I know what I want. And I know the feeling of standing in a man’s arms and feeling that the world can’t touch you as long as you are together (even if nothing ever came of that since we were both 13 and living half of Texas from each other). Or was that my one and only soul-mate and I lost my one chance because I ran away from it (literally) instead of embracing it? How do I get past the image of him when I close my eyes and try to imagine what I want in a mate? After 19 years, I can still see him and the feelings that once scared me so many years ago… are what I now want yet I fear that I will never have it again. And that scares me more then anything else. That I have lost my chance at finding love because I let fear stand in my way and walked away from so many others because they didn’t give me what he did?
So, what do I do? I have no idea where to go from here. I am ready to let him go and move on with my life and hope its not too late for me to find someone to share my life with. To acknowledge that maybe he and I just weren’t right for each other. And maybe it was a blessing that I ran. And that it was my true destiney to not be with him and to be with another. Its confusing as hell… and I just don’t know where to go from here.