Friendship. Such a simple, easy word with so much meaning behind it.
Once again I find myself in a pretty common predictament of finding out the people who I believe are my friends, probably aren’t. I am seeing a pattern of people who I used to hang out with not really wanting to be either around me or alone with me. And once again, I am finding myself becoming very hurt by certain actions of people who I consider (or considered) my friends.
Now, why does this happen? Easy, if I am too much myself. Meaning, I don’t keep my mouth shut and be the good fat girl – I become ostricized by the people around me. If I put myself too much out there, people start to walk away or turn away from me. They are kind to my face but I get a feeling when it happens that I have overstepped myself.
Is it normal to feel this way? I don’t know. I just do. I have had it happen to me so many times in the past that I know when I have shown too much of who I am. I need to stay the good, fat girl that doesn’t do anything to upset anyone. I actually hate feeling this way. I have come to the conclusion many times over, I am not made to have too many friends at any given time. Everytime I do – things blow up in my face. Then I end up going back into my hole, licking my wounds and begging for forgiveness like the good dog I am.
But this time, I just want to go away and not come back. Just not deal with it. I am tired of apologizing for who I am and things I say. I am a very blunt person. If I don’t like something, sometimes I don’t keep my mouth shut because I just can’t. I will be extremely honest with someone. There are quite a few people around that I don’t like. For a number of reasons. Usually when guys are overly perverted or a person does or says something that upsets me – I let it go but then it eats away at me and I just start disliking that person more and more.
Whats even worse is when you are honest and just reply to a person honestly and they attack you on a message board. For no other reason then pointing out the obvious. Which then rolls over to your “friends” not talking to you anymore.
So, in truth – if people can stop talking to you for being yourself… is the friendship real? Has it ever been real?
Varzaland 
Personally I don’t think people who can’t except you for who you are niot real friends! Sometimes you may need a break from someone, but that doesn’t mean you pull away or be an ass to the person, you just tell them hey…I need some personal space I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know why. I feel very blessed that I have the friends i do…because I am blunt, and crude sometimes, and they still love me for who I am. I know I’m not meant to have many friends but the friends I have are amazeing..and I consider you a friend Varza..if you where closer I’d probally hang out with you as often as I could, but for now know that I am there with you in spirit, and that my friends are too, because they think your amazeing too just from seeing your myspace and hearing my words, and think you would be a perfectr addition to the eight stitches!
Hey I understand exactly how you feel. I have been there done that and got the t-shirt. I find that as you age you collect only a handful of true friends. Don’t get me wrong you have friends along the way. Most of those friends will come and go. It takes a lot for me to call somebody a true friend and here are a few of my thoughts on what makes a true friend.
A true friend keeps your secret no matter what.
A true friend is friend enough to tell when your wrong.
A true friend will stick with you even when you are wrong.
A true friend will be there for you even when you aren’t really there for yourself.
A true friend doesn’t have to ask to know how you are feeling.
A true friend doesn’t have to lie to protect your feelings and you don’t have to put on a false face to protect theirs.
A true friend accepts you for who you are deep down.
A true friend can see past the walls that you hide behind.
A true friend will never let you berate yourself.
It is my sincere hope that you find some true friends along your travels. You only need one or two. I don’t know what kind of messenger software you use if any but msg or PM me sometime and we can talk further.
I hope you find my words encouraging I can see by your words that you are hurting. Please know that I am here if you want to talk. Sometimes an outside ear is all you need to set the world right again for a little while.
Tony