Then Would It Be Real?

Friendship. Such a simple, easy word with so much meaning behind it.

Once again I find myself in a pretty common predictament of finding out the people who I believe are my friends, probably aren’t. I am seeing a pattern of people who I used to hang out with not really wanting to be either around me or alone with me. And once again, I am finding myself becoming very hurt by certain actions of people who I consider (or considered) my friends.

Now, why does this happen? Easy, if I am too much myself. Meaning, I don’t keep my mouth shut and be the good fat girl – I become ostricized by the people around me. If I put myself too much out there, people start to walk away or turn away from me. They are kind to my face but I get a feeling when it happens that I have overstepped myself.

Is it normal to feel this way? I don’t know. I just do. I have had it happen to me so many times in the past that I know when I have shown too much of who I am. I need to stay the good, fat girl that doesn’t do anything to upset anyone. I actually hate feeling this way. I have come to the conclusion many times over, I am not made to have too many friends at any given time. Everytime I do – things blow up in my face. Then I end up going back into my hole, licking my wounds and begging for forgiveness like the good dog I am.

But this time, I just want to go away and not come back. Just not deal with it. I am tired of apologizing for who I am and things I say. I am a very blunt person. If I don’t like something, sometimes I don’t keep my mouth shut because I just can’t. I will be extremely honest with someone. There are quite a few people around that I don’t like. For a number of reasons. Usually when guys are overly perverted or a person does or says something that upsets me – I let it go but then it eats away at me and I just start disliking that person more and more.

Whats even worse is when you are honest and just reply to a person honestly and they attack you on a message board. For no other reason then pointing out the obvious. Which then rolls over to your “friends” not talking to you anymore.

So, in truth – if people can stop talking to you for being yourself… is the friendship real? Has it ever been real?