Yes, I am still alive…

Well, I am still in Las Vegas visiting the familia. Today my parents head into town… But there is a part of me that just wants to go home. I miss my home. And sadly, I miss my friends. Its stupid I know.

I just think about how much my life is going to change when I get back from my next trip – next week and head back to school. In truth, I am scared shitless to be heading back to school. Worried I will fail once more at this. That  I won’t have time to make everyone in my life happy with me because I will be taking time for myself and not for them. That I won’t have time to spend with people I want to spend time with because I will have to concentrate on school… and if I will throw school away because it takes too much from the other parts of my life. And what if I am just not smart enough anymore? I know dumb right? To fear having gotten dumb over the years?  I’m not saying I am stupid or dumb, just not up to school anymore. And what if I am taking the wrong path once again? But I just have to swallow these fears and deal with it the best I can. Put my head down and charge away. And hope for and work towards the best outcome possible… but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe I am taking one too many classes.

As for everything else… its been a bit difficult here. Well, one day at least when my brother started talking to me about getting married and have kids. I know he was trying to be a good big brother. But I don’t need another reminder of how alone I am. I mean, I know that one day someone will want me. Even if the person I want right doesn’t feel the same way, one day someone will? Right? I sure the hell hope so but I know I am getting tired of waiting for something to happen.

And I am sorry but its not me. I am not a stylish, worried about my hair, wearing make up all day long person. I truthfully feel that I can enhance who I am but not hide my true self. Even my workout clothes weren’t good enough. God forbid I wear something comfortable like a t-shirt while working out. I am at the gym to WORKOUT not to find my future husband. I have enough on my head being concerned about looking like a fat idiot while walking on the treadmill without worrying if my hair is out of order because some guy might take an interest in me only because I look a particular way and don’t sweat. I mean, bloody hell. I am not sure if anyone knows who I am.

Okay, enough of this, its not that big of deal. I know my brother is just trying to help. He wants me to be happy but I wish he would take more time to understand who I am and what I am not. I’m tired… Truth be told, I did think I meet someone I could be with long term not too long ago but like all the others in my life – he didn’t want me for anything but a friend. Shocker that!

But otherwise, things are going good. I am spending time with my nephew, had a good Christmas and been annoying the hell out my trainer. I haven’t had a chance to do everything I want since I am trying not to spend too much money (which is harder then it seems and my money is disappearing like crazy) and most of my alone time to go out is me heading to the gym to kick my own ass for a few hours. So, what if I only gambled one night away. Meh, no biggie… I’m not here to meet someone. I am here for family and all that jazz.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday week!

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2 thoughts on “Yes, I am still alive…

  1. You can only please one person in your life and that is you. So take that time to concentrate on yourself and invest in you.

    Happy and Safe New Year!

  2. Eventually you will find someone who likes you for you. Its ok to upsell a bit to get to know people and have fun but the real you needs to come through too. Its ok to put on make up and do up hair because if the relationship continues they will see the real you behind the make up soon enough.

    best wishes on a happy new year

    Tony

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