health

the right guy?

/ Varza / 4 Comments

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

Workouts 5-17-09 to 5-23-09

/ Varza / 2 Comments

5-17-09, Sunday

Rest day! Had to get ready for a new school semester that started this week…

5-18-09, Monday

Warm Up
9m – Elliptical Cross ramp, glute trainer, resistance 8
stretching

Workout

Leg Press
15 @ 100#
12 @ 110#
10 @ 120#
8 @ 130#
10 @ 120#
12 @ 110#
15 @ 100#

Seated Calf Raises
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#
10 @ 55#
12 @ 45#

3 x 12 @ 60# – Laying Leg Curl

5m – Treadmill, Incline Intervals, 3.5mph

Abductions
12 @ 145#
10 @ 155#
8 @ 165#
10 @ 175#
12 @ 145#

Adductions
12 @ 135#
10 @ 145#
8 @ 155#
10 @ 165#
12 @ 135#

3 x 12 @ 60# – Leg Extensions

3 Rounds of the Following
12 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, right leg
12 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, left leg
10 @ 15# dumbbells – deadlifts
12 @ 15# dumbbells – step ups

Cardio

25m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4

Est. Time: 2 hours
Est. Cal Burn: 1285

5-19-09, Tuesday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Inclines 2, 4, 6
stretching

Workout

Tricep Push Down w/ v bar superset with bicep curls
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Curl w/ ezbar super set with tricep pushdown
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

5m – Treadmill, 3.2mph, Interval Inclines

Hammer Strength – ISO, Lat Decline Press weight is per arm
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
12 @ 25#

2 x 10 @ 10# each arm – ISO, Shoulder Press

3 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – roman chair, straight legged

Cardio Cool Down
15m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Random Inclines

Est Time:1 hour
Est Cal Burn: 700

5-20-09, Wednesday

30m – Elliptical Cross ramp, glute trainer 2, resistnace 8

2 rounds of:
20 – stability ball crunches
10 – reverse crunches
15 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on stability ball

11m – treadmill, 3.5mph, incline 3 & 6 (50/50)

Est. Time: 65min
Est. Cal Burn: 625

5-21-09, Thursday

Rest Day

5-22-09, Friday

Rest day…

5-21-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals, level 5
stretching

Workout

Smith Machine Squats
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
8 @ 85#
10 @ 75#
12 @ 65#

Hip Abductions
12 @ 145#
12 @ 155#
10 @ 165#
12 @ 150#

Hip Adductions
12 @ 140#
12 @ 150#
10 @ 160#
12 @ 145#

4 x 15 @ 75# – Calf Press, left leg
4 x 15 @ 75# – Calf Press, right leg

8 x 30sec – wall sits

3 x 15 – Stability ball bridge pull in

Cool Down
10m – Treadmill, 3.3mph, Interval Inclines

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 350

Workouts: 5-10-09 to 5-16-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Another week down, next week will be harder with school starting up again and two of my days are later in the evening. Hoping to keep going at 5 days a week but we will see. I already messed up this week and took Sunday off forgetting that I needed to take Thursday/Friday off since I have work and school on Thursday and Friday is movie/regular night off.

School starts tomorrow for me, I am so not looking forward to that!

5-10-09, Sunday

Today was cardio day!

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosstraining, Resistance 8
5m – Elliptical Crossramp, Cool down, Resistance 6
30m – Treadmill, Rolling Hills, 3.5mph, Level 12

Est. Cal Burn: 354 – Elliptical, 260 – Treadmill – 714 tota

5-11-09, Monday

Warm Up
12m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8

Workout

Seated Row – one regular pull & one laying pull = one rep/superset with chest press
12 @ 40#
10 @ 50#
8 @ 60#
10 @ 50#
12 @ 40#

Chest Press
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 50#

5m – Treadmill, Incline Intervals, 3.3mph

12 @ 15# dumbbell – kickback, right arm
12 @ 15# dumbbell – kickback, left arm

12 @ 70# – Lat Pull

3 x 10 @ 25# – Lat Raises

Seated Dip
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
8 @ 80#
10 @ 70#
12 @ 60#

5m – Treadmill, Incline Intervals, 3.5mph

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 15 – incline sit ups

2 x 10 @ 5# dumb bells – shoulder arc
2 x 10 – ab wipers

9m – stairmaster, level 3, fat burner

and that was it… I ended with an asthma attack.

5-12-09, Tuesday

Rest Day!

5-13-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosstrainer, Resistance 8
Stretching

Workout

Leg Press aka Darth Vader Shortener
15 @ 100# (warm up set)
12 @ 110#
10 @ 120#
8 @ 130#
10 @ 120#
12 @ 110#

Hip Adductions
15 @ 130#
12 @ 140#
10 @ 150#
12 @ 140#
15 @ 130#

Hip Abductions
15 @ 140#
12 @ 150#
10 @ 160#
12 @ 150#
15 @ 140#

Standing Calf Machine
2 x 12 @ 75# – Pigeon Toed
2 x 12 @ 75# – Duck Toed
2 x 12 @ 75# – Straight Toed

2 x 10 @ 75# – Glute Trainer, Right Leg
2 x 10 @ 75# – Glute Trainer, Left Leg

2 x 10 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, right leg
2 x 10 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, left leg

10 @ 15# dumbbells – deadlifts

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 769

5-14-09, Thursday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Level 2
Stretching

Work Out

Tricep Push Down w/ v bar superset with bicep curls
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Curl w/ ezbar super set with tricep pushdown
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

10 – incline pushups, on the toes this time, no more knees if I can help it!

5m – Row machine

Hammer Strength – ISO, Lat Decline Press super set with pull downs, weight is per arm
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

Hammer Strength – ISO Lat Pull Downs Super set with Decline Press, weight is per arm
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

10 – incline pushups, on the toes

5m – Row machine

2 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on stability ball
2 x 15 – crunches on medicine ball

Cardio
25m – Treadmill, 3.3mph, Random Inclines

Est. Time – 1h30m
Est. Cal Burned – 965

5-15-09, Friday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Level 4
Stretching

Toning
3 x 12 @ 60# – laying leg curls
3 x 12 @ 65# – leg extensions
4 x 10 w/ 8# medicine ball – jacknifes
3 x 10 @ 0#, 6#,8# balls – back extensions
2 x 10 w/ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on stability ball
20 – bridge w/ stability ball
10 @ 20seconds – wall sits

Cardio
12m – elliptical, level 3
20m – treadmill, random, 3.5mph
18m – treadmill, interval inclines, 3.0mph
2m – treadmill, flat, 2.1mph cool down

I’m tired and starving, have no clue on the cal burn. But I did get to see the cute boy at the gym tonight! Yeah!

5-16-09, Saturday

Rest Day!

Another plus to the week – down another 2 pounds. Very happy with that! Yeah!

Workouts 5-3-09 to 5-9-09

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5-3-09, Sunday

Warm Up
20m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, Random Inclines

Workout
3 x 15 @ 90# – Seated Leg Press
3 x 15 @ 60# – Seated Calf Press

Hip Abductions/Adductions
15 @ 125#
12 @ 135#
10 @ 145#
10 @ 145#
15 @ 125#

10m – Treadmill, 3.6mph, Interval Inclines

3 x 25 – Stability Ball Crunch
5 x 6 (each side) – Floor wipers

10m – Stairstepper, Level 3, Fat Burner

That was it – not a huge amount but something. Had a great day so far today. Its been really relaxing.

Est. Cals Burned: 961 (time around 1.5 hours) I took it slow…

5-4-09, Monday

32m on treadmill, 3.0mph, incline 12. Slow and steady and stopped when I started to get lightheaded.

Started getting sick this day

5-5-09, Tuesday

Home sick

5-6-09, Wednesday

Home Sick

5-7-09, Thursday

today was the 1st day back at the gym and I did pretty crappy.

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Incline 3
Stretching

Workout
15 @ 85# – Seated Leg Press
8 x 20sec @ 90# – Seated Leg Press
3 x 10 @ 10# dumbbells in both hands – lunges, both legs

2m – Treadmill, 3.2mph, Incline 4

then I got dizzy and lightheaded – so I stopped. I will be going back tomorrow. Hopefully I won’t be spending the day feeling like I am going to pass out.

5-8-09, Friday

Pushed myself today… I am beat! But I am very happy with it!

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, Interval Inclines
Stretching

Workout

Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
25# – 12
35# – 10
45# – 8
35# – 10
25# – 12

Tricep Push Down w/ v-bar
25# – 12
35# – 10
45# – 8
35# – 10
25# – 12

3 x 15 @ 70# – Seated Row
3 x 12 @ 30# – Chest Press

5m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, 6incline

Hip Abductions
135# – 12
145# – 10
155# – 8
165# – 8
135# – 15

Hip Adductions
125# – 12
135# – 10
145# – 8
155# – 8
125# – 15

3 x 15 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – Roman Chair w/ straight leg

5m – Treadmill, Intervals, 3.8mph

2 x 10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises

3 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – jackknifes
25 – Bridge

10m – Stair stepper

I think there is more but I can’t remember.

Time – 1h15m
Est. Cals Burn – 850

5-9-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8
Stretching

Work Out – lots of super sets

3 x 12 @ 50# – Laying Leg Curls
3 x 12 @ 55# – Leg Extensions

2 laps down the hall in the gym about 50 yards each way – running

5 x 10 @ 70# – Smith Squats
4 x 10 – Incline Push Ups (on my knees of course)

2 laps down the hall in the gym about 50 yards each way – running

15 x 15secs – Wall Seat Press? (with 15sec rest in between) where you sit against the wall and hold urself up, can’t remember the exact name)

10 – Reverse Crunches
2 x 15 – Bridge w/ Stability Ball
2 x 10 – Russian Mason Twists w/ 6# medicine ball

2 laps down the hall in the gym about 50 yards each way – running

2 x 15 – Bridge w/ Stability Ball
2 x 10 – Russian Mason Twists w/ 6# medicine ball
10 – leg raises

30m – Random Inclines, Treadmill, 3.0mph, 0 – 10 incline

Cool Down
2m – Cool down, Treadmill, 2.1mph, Flat surface
5m – Stretching

Believe it or not – that workout took me 2hours to do… it doesn’t seem like a helluva a lot from here but that was with some breaks to catch my breath and not throw up. During the squats/push ups I was dying.

Est. Cal Burn: 1360

I think the forced rest I have had these past two weeks have done me some good. I am feeling great. Sore but great. I had a ton of fun at the gym today playing with different things I have been afraid to do in the past.

Please note – you can follow me during my workouts on my twitter account! Its not a full blown account but I do post while working out and comments et al… http://twitter.com/varza

Workouts 4-26-09 to 5-2-09

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4-26-09, Sunday
Day Off – Study for Finals

4-27-09, Monday

this mornings workout – kept it short, had to get home to get ready for my final today.

Warm Up
12m – Glute Trainer, Elliptical Cross ramp, Resistance 7
Stretching

Toning

Inverted Leg Press
13 @ 90#
10 @ 100#
7 @ 110#
10 @ 100#
13 @ 90#

Seated Calf
3 x 15 @ 45# w/ 1 sec isometrics

the following were done on a new set of machines with a resistance cable
2 x 10 @ 30# – Fly
2 x 12 @ 30 # – Chest Press
2 x 12 @ 50# – Lat Pull
2 x 10 @ 30# – Fly
2 x 12 @ 50# – Lat Pull

had to stop all that due to my shoulder starting to act up. Only did the small reps due to my arms shaking so badly.

15 – back extensions
25 – incline sit ups

Cool Down
15m – Rolling Hills, Treadmill, 3.9mph

4-28-09, Tuesday

20m on the elliptical then overcome with emotions. stupid emotions

4-29-09, Wednesday

Day off….shoulder problems

4-30-09, Thursday

Day off – got a shot of cortizone in my shoulder, forced rest by doctor. Messed up rotator cuff

5-1-09, Friday

Day off – pain in shoulder horrible, still on forced rest by doctor

5-2-09, Saturday

Suppose to be resting still but went in anyway. 26min on the treadmill – that is all I lasted. My shoulder was really bad tonight. Hopefully with lack of stuff tonight and not working tomorrow I can get it rested. Will still go to the gym but now at least I have pain pills – I ran out last night.

Ended the week with a new weight loss – 213.6#

Workouts: 3-28-09 to 4-4-09

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Okay here are my workouts from the last of March and beginning of April…  I know I don’t have to post but I am. I am not loosing a ton of weight but slowly loosing inches and becoming stronger and stronger. I am happy with it.

3-28-09, Saturday

Warm Up
15m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 3.5mph
Stretching

Toning
3 x 15 @ 135/130/125 – Hip Abductions
3 x 15 @ 135/130/125 – Hip Adductions
1 x 18 @ 120 – Hip Abductions
1 x 18 @ 120 – Hip Adductions
4 x 12 @ 60# – Laying Leg Curls
4 x 12 @ 60# – Leg Extensions
1 x 15 @ 85# – Leg Press (my knees were bothering me by this point so I stopped)
4 x 25 – Stability Ball Sit Ups
3 x 10 – Back Extensions

Cardio
25m – Elliptical, Fat Burn Program, Level 4

3-29-09, Sunday – Rest Day!

3-30-09, Monday

Warm Up
15m – Treadmill, Intervals, 3.2mph
Stretching

Toning
4 x 12 @ 70# – Lat Pulldowns
4 x 12 @ 40# – Chest Press
4 x 12 @ 70# – Seated Dips
4 x 12 @ 35# – Bicep Curls
4 x 15 – Incline Sit Ups
4 x 10 @ 6# medicine ball – Incline Mason Twists

Cardio
15m – Elliptical Cross ramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8

3-31-09, Tuesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosstraining, Resistance 7

Workout
4 x 12 @ 80# – Hack Squat
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine

4 x 15 @ 125/130/135/125 – Hip Abductions
4 x 15 @ 125/130/135/125 – Hip Adductions

5m – Treadmill, Intervals, 3.5mph

3 x 12 @ 60# – Leg Extensions
3 x 15 @ 90# – Ab Machine

4-1-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Crossramp, Intervals, Resistance 8
Stretching

Toning – arm exercises taken from the latest Oxygen mag, says to do it once a week for a month. Gonna do it and see.

10 @ 25# – Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
10 @ 20# – Triceps Pressdown w/ v bar

8 @ 35# – Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
8 @ 30# – Triceps Pressdown w/ v bar

6 @ 45# – Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
6 @ 40# – Triceps Pressdown w/ v bar

7 @ 35# – Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
7 @ 30# – Triceps Pressdown w/ v bar

8 @ 25# – Bicep Curl w/ ez bar
8 @ 20# – Triceps Pressdown w/ v bar

4 x 15 – stability ball crunch
3 x 15 – Wipers

2 xs 15 – Back Extensions

Cardio
20m – Elliptical, Hills, Level 3

Est. Cal Burn for all cardio – 392. Have no idea on the rest.

4-2-09, Thursday

Stretching

2 x 15 – Rotator Cuff Warm up Left
2 x 15 – Rotator Cuff Warm up Right

4 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – chest press w/ stability ball
4 x 15 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, left
4 x 15 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, right

2 x 12 @ 8# dumbbells – lat raises
3 x 12 @ 8# dumbbells – shoulder raises

3 x 5 @ 8# dumbbells – rotator cuff arch move. Hard to explain

4-3-09, Friday – REST DAY!

4-4-09, Saturday – REST DAY unfortunatly due to knees acting up 😦

Please note – you can follow me during my workouts on my twitter account! Its not a full blown account but I do post while working out and comments et al… http://twitter.com/varza

Just Another Day

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Its another Friday and as per usual I am stuck at work. Its been a crazy week… really really crazy week.

I got my last paper back from my teacher in my Analytical Writing class… 98. I really have no clue how I am getting these grades. I never got grades like this back in the day. I know I talk about it alot but I am surprised. I was an below average student. I graduated high school with barely a 2.5 gpa and my only college choice was the local community college. Which I did a semester in before quitting.

Lets see what else… my past week was stressful for health concerns. I found a lump in my breast last week – after waiting a few days before calling the doctors to make sure it wasn’t just a swollen gland. But luckily, after going to the docs and my first ever mammogram – I am clean and cancer free. What it is is a cystic fiber – something or another. Basically a bunch of fibers that formed a cyst that will go away with lack of caffeine. And I have been drinking a lot of caffeine lately – which helps make these little buggers. But I didn’t tell the world until now because I didn’t want to have to contact everyone and say – hey I found a lump and then a week later say – oh it was nothing but a stupid cyst. But in truth, its still scary. I was stressed to the max and my mom tried to console me but it doesn’t always help. I just wanted to know.

I sold my kilt – it had gotten to big for me… I am using some of the money to buy new t-shirts because most of mine are now also too big for me. I can wear a large now – its tight and fitted but I think it looks good. I don’t really know. Guess I will find out when I get it in. I mean, I can’t buy babydolls yet but I prefer the mens style shirts anyways. Oh and the rest is to pay bills off… I always have bills to pay off.

My workouts have been kinda blah… I took Monday and Thursday off and part of me does not want to go to the gym tonight but just go to the movies right after work instead. But I will go and do something. I have no idea what but I have to do something. I am down another lb this week though. So, yeah! But psychologically I am utterly beat and don’t want to think about anything. But if I go today I can take Sunday off…

With work, stress about school, trying to find money for school and everything else – I just need to escape. And even though I love my Sims 2 – its just not doing it right now. I recently started playing again just to get away from my real world and into a fake world where I can control everything and give my fake people lots and lots of fake mulla and build them big houses!

But I got notice that my day for class sign up for the summer is coming up. I figured out which classes I am going to take during the summer session – a science and lab. We will see if I get into the anatomy and physiology class like I want to. I do need to spend sometime this weekend appliying for finanical aid and hope to the gods that I actually get it. I am afraid I may make too much and they don’t take into account that I have a hellasious mortgage but as always, we will just have to see.

I have some other things I want to talk about but will do that another day… I need to eat lunch.

Workouts this week – as per usually the m stands for minutes, # for pounds:

3-21-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 2.5mph

Toning
3 x 15 @ 40# – Rear Delt
3 x 15 @ 60# – Fly
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Abductions
3 x 15 @ 125/120/115 – Hip Adductions

Cardio
25m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8

3-22-09, Sunday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.8mph, Intervals
Stretching

Round 1
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 2
10 @ 40# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, rolling hills, 4.0mph

Round 3
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 4
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# +bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – lat raises
25 – jack knifes w/ 6# medicine ball
5m – treadmill, random inclines, 4.0mph

Round 5
10 @ 50# + bar – Smith Machine Squats
10 @ 10# + bar – Laying Chest Press (free weights)
10 @ 180# counterweight – Chin Ups
10 @ 10# dumbbells – should press
30 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball and bicycle move
15m – treadmill, intervals inclines, 3.5mph

3-24-09, Tuesday

20m – Elliptical Crossramp, Intervals, Resistance 8
Stretching
1 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Extensions
3 x 15 @ 55# – Leg Curls
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine
10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals

yeah I know its really short but oh well, it was a long day. I had to go for some testing early yesturday morning and I was just beat.  This was the day I went for the mam.

3-25-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Incline 5
Stretching

Workout
4 x 10 @ 60# – Smith Squats
4 x 12 @ bar only – underhanded row – freeweights
4 x 12 @ 10# weights – lat raises
1 x 15 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
3 x 10 @ 190# counterweight – chin ups
4 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – stability ball chest press
4 x 10 @ 20# barbell – curls
4 x 20 sec – curls
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep
4 x 20 sec – reverse crunches
10 sec rest between each 20sec rep

Workouts and A Realization

/ Varza / 1 Comment

Weighed in this morning – a solid 218 – a total loss of .8 lbs since last week.

I’ve been looking at my calorie intake vs my burn and I am wondering if I am not eating enough.

According to a calculator I just did I can eat :

Quote:
If you exercise for 60 minutes each day, you will be able to reach your goal weight with 2444.3 calories per day.

And according to the online food journal I use…

You should consume about 2250 calories a day to reach your goal weight of 195 lbs.

This is at a reasonable weight loss average of 1.5 lbs per week, which should be reached by July 05, 2009.

Remember that this estimate is based on your body weight, height, age, gender, and activity level. It may vary slightly depending on other factors.

I am averaging about 600 – 900 calorie burn per workout (avg of the course of the past 7 days), adding to my avg daily burning of 2790… that is about 3390 – 3690. I don’t even want to think about those days I burned 1500 cals during a workout and barely ate anything.

Intake wise… over the past 7 days I have avg about 1500 – 1900 calories per day.

Giving me a difference of 1790 – 1890 calories between my intake vs. burn. I have read that you should have more then 1200 calories difference?

I am wondering if I am not eating enough so when I have a cheat day all that extra is being held hostage by my body because it feels it is being starved? I think so. But we will see what happens. I will be talking to my trainer tonight and seeing what he thinks.

3-18-09 Workout

Warm Up
15mins – Treadmill 2.5mph incline intervals.
Stretching

Power Aerobics Class – basically:

Group Power is your hour of power! This 60 minute barbell program strengthens all your major muscles in an inspiring, motivating group environment with fantastic music and awesome instructors with simple, athletic movements such as squats, lunges, presses and curls, Group Power is for all ages and fitness levels. Discover results, discover Group Power!

3-19-09 Workout

20mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Resistance 7, Cross Training – lots of leg work.
3 x 15 @ 80# – Calf Machine
3mins – Intervals, Incline 5, 3.5 & 4.8 (this is when I realized I forgot to do my inhaler before workout and couldn’t breathe. d’oh!)
17mins – Treadmill, Incline 5, 3.5mph

Thats about it. My body is still really sore from the power workout. Today is my rest day. Back to the gym on Saturday for more fun and games!

Nothing much else, getting ready to set an appointment to get my hair done. I’ll post a pic of it when I get done being made pertty…

And it keeps going and going…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

… and going. Its been awhile since my last post about my weight loss. With all my emotional crap with being single and all that other fun crap, its hard to remember that part of why I started this blog was to talk about my weight loss.

So, basically, it is still going. I have lost around 40 some lbs and while I have about 80 more to go, I am pretty happy. Frustrated because it isn’t going fast enough but happy that it is going.

My problem has basically been – I start to loose the weigh, go down a few lbs then spend several weeks swinging back up a few lbs then back down then back up and back down and then loose a few more then start all over again.

Its mainly my diet. I haven’t been as good as I probably should for months now. I am tired of it, a bit, but the big thing is late night snacking. I get extremely lonely at night with no one to talk to and I get bored. I get bored – I eat like crazy. I have been trying to not eat but its hard.  I am not sure what to do… and in truth, I don’t want to workout at 11pm right before I go to bed. And I can only eat so much fruits and veggies without turning my stomach contents into liquid.

I don’t have the time I want to be able to make the yummy smoothie-protein shakes I used to. Plus all that fruit costs an arm and a leg. Money is an option, and I would rather pay my bills then not and buy a truck load of fruits.

At the moment, a friend and I are looking at my workouts and trying to reorganize them into something more. Something more then just a basic workout where I can get the best possible response from my body. Its not easy because I want to tone and loose fat. So I have to make sure I don’t over do it on the weight machines.

I am finding help from some magazines, my trainer and an on-line workout/costuming group. The magazine I am recommending is “Oxygen“. I have read quite a few different ones but this one seems to be really about getting healthy and working out. Women’s Health has relationship, fashion and sex advice. Oxygen is all about the workout and nutrition. Plus, it is really nice that on their covers are professional athletes not an actress who has great abs. While I am sure their workouts are great – I would rather see someone who does it for a living giving me their advice. Personally, i don’t want to read about the personal lives of a celebrity – that isn’t what I want out of my fitness magazine.  But maybe its just me?

So after almost a year of doing this, its time to look at my past workouts and reevaluate – and set a new goal. And not just a weight loss goal but something that will be a goal I have to focus on to gain a change. I have one in mind but I am superstitious and don’t want to talk about it just yet.

I am also coming up on the last few months of my golds gym membership and have to decide if I am going to stay there or move to another gym. I found out that Defined Fitness has a student discount membership – its still more expensive then Golds by about 17 bucks but there is the added advantage of their pool. Which would mean I won’t have to trek it on down to the local public pool where there are swim teams and kids jumping on me. Which is a total advantage. Now that it is warming up again and my old swim suit fits again – its time to head back and in truth, adding it up: Defined Fitness is cheaper then going to Golds and going to the public pool.

One draw back is that they are only in New Mexico – if I were to go somewhere else, I am stuck with no gym to go to. Meh, I will figure it out as we get closer to my close date.

But I wanted to give some of my latest stats –

Chest: original-52″,  now 44″
Neck: original-16″,  now 13.8″
Waist: original-49″, now 35″
Hips: original-53.5″, now 44″
Biceps: original-14.5″,15″, now (L)11.5″ ,(R)11.5″
Forearms: original-11″,12″,  now (L) 8.5″,(R) 8.75″
Thighs: original-30″,32,  now (L) 22.”,(R) 22.”
Calves: original-18″,18″,  now (L) 15″,(R) 15″

Like I said its a long process but I am working hard at it…

Run Fatgirl Run

/ Varza / 1 Comment

I want to run… seriously, I want to be able to run several miles without stopping and feel the wind in my face. Hell, I would love to run for more then 30 seconds to a minute without feeling like I am going to pass out. I can sympathize with the main character in the movie – Run Fatboy Run very easily. Except he was probably in better form then I am at the moment or was. I hope at least I can run further then a few doors down from my home. Not much further but further no the less.

I can easily say, I have never been much of a runner. I was always the kid in class getting yelled at by the coaches to step it up and quite messing around and actually run like I was ordered to. Yeah, I slacked off… A lot. When I was in middle school, there were a few times I actually was able to run a full 400 without stopping. Usually when I was running with the fastest girl in our class – fastest as in running not the other, get your mind out of the gutter! And she forced me to keep up with her. I ran during basketball and volleyball practices for the suicides. In truth, I preferred those over running on a track.

In high school I was on the track and field team for a few years. More specifically the field team. I did shot-put and discus. I was suppose to run at the beginning of our practices and I did, from time to time. Mostly goofing off and checking out the soccer players on the schools team. Hey, they were H-O-T hot! Seriously. But I wouldn’t push myself. My knees hurt me and I could barely breathe at times.

Then came the time I wanted to join the military. Hey, I tried – I went to basic and everything. Just never graduated from basic. Why? Well, we were suppose to run in basic. I ran and finally one day I made my 15 minute 2 mile during our PT one day. Unfortunately, that was the day my knees gave out on me and I couldn’t use them for the next month or so very well. I was on crutches because they would give out on me completely if I tried to walk on them more then a few feet. It sucked ass, big time. But at least now I knew why… my knees are all kinds of screwed up. I have runners knee (aka patello-femoral syndrome or something like that) and the cartilage on my knees is all wacky as well as my lower leg bones being slightly twisted/deformed.

As for the out of breath part, I found out about 3 or 4 years ago that I have excercise induced asthma and my doctor said I have probably have had it my entire life and just didn’t know it. Which would make sense since I have always had problems with catching my breathe while playing sports (except swimming) and I have never been that good at holding my breathe for a long time. But the finding out is fun when you are on a side of a mountain hiking and you can’t take a step without feeling like you were going to pass out.

So, now we come to me today. I am about 100lbs heavier then when I left the military over a decade ago and out of shape. I have been working out since May but I still get periods of time when my knees just don’t want to work right. And I am getting annoyed as hell. I want to desperatly get the stamina and the ability to run but I can do interval run-walking for about a day or two before my knees just won’t let me run anymore. The intervals being: walk for a minute, run for a minute and so on. Sometimes I do walk for 1 minute 15 seconds, run for 45 seconds. Depending on how I am breathing at the time when I start to run.

But as I said, I am getting annoyed. I want to run. Running is an amazing feat to me. People who can run amaze me. Maybe because its never been something I was good at and it hurt to do. So, how do I get there? I try and I always seem to fail at this one little thing. I tried running last night after doing several nights of intervals – and couldn’t even get in step for 5 seconds let alone a minute of running.

I do not like to fail, I hate failing and I am tired of being a failure at so many things. I am tired of my knees hurting constantly and being limited on so many exercises because of my wrist or my shoulder or my back or my knee or whatever the hell decidesto be hurting this time around. Its frustrating and painful… and I will push myself as much as I can. I will push myself to tears and to the point where I can’t move. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to limit myself anymore because of stupid weaknesses. I am weak in so many ways and I am tired of it. And I am tired of crying because of the frustration that I have to dig thru just to get in a decent workout.

I need to tell my trainer, he will just tell me he told me so. He was worried I pushed myself too much the other day and I did. I’m stupid but I don’t want to be fat and ugly anymore. I don’t want to be a 1 anymore, can I at least be a 5?

I want to run… I want to be healthy, I want to by pain free for a few days. I not have to take an aleve and advil to just get thru the day. I mean, I know when I go to the movies tonight with my friend that I will not be able to walk down the stairs easily afterwards. End up looking like an old woman who needs a cane. Yeah, thats attactive…

In truth, I don’t want to just run. I want to excel at running. A few years ago my brother was doing triathalons and I told him I would like to do one, one day and he laughed. I know he didn’t mean any harm, I am fat and pretty lazy. So, the idea of me doing one of the premier atheletic events is pretty funny. Who knows maybe I will be able to prove him wrong? I would like to and I would like to succeed at that. But I didn’t realize when I told myself this how hard it would be to even get started with running. I mean after several months, I haven’t gone beyond where I need to do even think about training for such an event. Maybe one day… when I loose my fat and have stronger muscles I will be able to.

And no I can’t have surgery. I can’t afford it. I can’t afford cortozone shots either. And I wish I would of known about the asthma earlier – I wouldn’t of smoked.