My Life

Personal Posts

Crows…

/ Varza / 1 Comment

There isn’t much in life that I am 100% certain of but one of the things I am is that animals speak to our inner spirit and that totems are real. For those that don’t know and want to know – what are totems? They are:

Pronunciation:  \ˈtō-təm\ , Function: noun , Etymology: Ojibwa oto·te·man his totem , Date: circa 1776
1 a: an object (as an animal or plant) serving as the emblem of a family or clan and often as a reminder of its ancestry ; also : a usually carved or painted representation of such an object b: a family or clan identified by a common totemic object 2: one that serves as an emblem or revered symbol
 
Or as I define it – an animal spirit guide. One that chooses us during different times of our lives, guides us and tests us. Some of you may understand what I am talking about.

I guess a good question is – why do I firmly believe in totems when I question everything constantly. Well… its easier asked then explained. I just do. I have had experiences that I can not deny and I do firmly believe that everything that exists – exists to teach us and we can learn more about humanity by looking at nature and animals then looking at ourselves. But, I find that many times we find a connection with an animal that speaks to us in some way. I mean how often have you heard someone say – this is my favourite animal. And if you look closely there is a resemblence there between that person and that animal even sometimes in the way the person looks. Heck, I dated a guy that was pure lizard, loved lizards and he kinda looked like one from the arch of his brows to he walked. My aunt loves elephants and has always had a very long near perfect memory…

Now, I do have a permante animal totem but I believe that there are some that come into our lives from time to time as well as animals that we can surround ourselves with to give ourselves more guidance, motivation and sometimes peace. My permante totem is the llama – I found him during a quided meditation. Definatly not the one I wanted. I figured it would be the cow, cause I love cows or a tiger. You know something common and strong. But the llama – it was weird. I knew absolutly nothing about llamas. Read about them once as a kid but BAM! There is was at the end of the meditation… the llama. And the more I learned about the llama the more I realized that it fit me. Heck even my hair is all shaggy like a llama – at least according to a friend of mine who was kind of nuff to point out to me.

Very recently, I have been having encounters with crows. Now I have had them before – mainly when I lived in California and would travel or go camping I would see them everywhere. There was something about the crow over other birds that attracted me and no it wasn’t because of some movie. But just in general. Always thought crows were fun.
 

I don’t know why they have suddenly started back up again.  In my dreams, the side of the road, in parking lots, in my front yard… everywhere I would turn. There they were. My dreams were the hardest. I know that they were there in the background until about last Wednesday when all the sudden I had a reoccuring event in my dream but always in a completely different setting. I would find an injured crow and when I would go to help it – it would grab onto me and bite me. Not letting go even when people tried to get it off of me.

 
So, obviously something is or was up that needed to pay attention to. In truth it wasn’t until yesturday when I was at Sky City Acoma when I realized that everywhere I looked there was a crow or crows there and everything finally dawned on me from my dreams to the past few weeks. I don’t know why, I guess I noticed them and everything fell into place. I saw but didn’t see at the same time. I guess its time to look at why is the crow trying to get my attention and why did they suddenly disappear after yesturday?

In basic terms the crow symbolises change, opportunity, magickal energies, strength, alertness. In dreams, they are usually speakers of your unconsious mind. So to add these all together it  makes me think that my unconsious mind is ready for me to put into affect some kind of change in my life. A change that I seem to have been ignoring and pushing away because of my fear. Unless it goes the other way which means alot of grief is coming my way. Which I don’t need in my life right now.

If the crow is speaking to me to let me know I need to make a change in my life. What change is this? The only thing I have talked about changing is no longer hiding myself from the world. I do it and I do it well. I wear my hair back in a bun all the time, baggy clothes, no make up, heavy framed glasses with a big wall up around me that no one can really penetrate. And I do this mostly on a consious level because I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I want to be incognito and not seen as pretty but at the same time, I quietly want to be seen and desired. Kinda of stupid of me… but I never claimed to be the smartest girl on the block.

Is this the change that my mind is telling me to make? That is making me subconsiously not notice crows or to notice them outright? That part of me wants to change so badly that I am attacking myself in my own dreams? Or is there something else I am completely missing?

 

 

Out of My League? Or Theirs?

/ Varza / Leave a comment

So… I signed up on Match.com. Yes yes, I know I said I didn’t want to do the online dating thing. But I figured I would check and see what is out there. And here is what I found: no one. Every single one of the guys on there that met my criteria has one thing I don’t fit – my weight. They all want thin skinny girls. I mean I could open up my search to people who don’t work out that often but I want someone who I can connect with on that level. And I don’t think its going to happen anytime soon. I am just not there. And the other thing I found – was one guy I know. And bingo thats a big no… because we won’t mesh that way at all. I like him and he’s cute but we don’t you know, he wants the same as the rest of them.

I debated about wether or not I should put my own profile up and see if anything comes my way then I realized something. I can’t. No matter what I want… I can’t put a profile up. Why? Stupid really. My job. I work in a Catholic store and I am agnostic. I can’t put my picture up because what if a customer sees it? That is a part of me, not a single customer knows about. It is also the reason why I do not put my real name connected to this blog or any blog. My private life is my private life. I don’t and can’t take the chance that a customer will find out I am not Catholic.

Its sad but true… I have to hide so damned much. I don’t think my parents even realize it. They bug me all time that they want grandkids and one day I am just going to have to say – how can I give you grandkids when I have to hide who I am because I work here. I mean, they asked me the other day if I wanted to one day take over the store. They were surprised I said no. I mean, it stresses me to the max working here. I hate lying and hiding. I am who I am but I can’t go anywhere in public and be myself just incase a customer sees me. I did not ever have this with a job before. When I worked in a video store I would wear t-shirts that said something rude on them without worrying about joe shomo connecting me with my job.

So, I guess that route is completely and utterly closed to me. My choices are now – message boards, the gym (where I get to be judged against all the hot girls) and… well thats it. I could put pool but I doubt anyone seeing me in a bathing suit is going to be all hubba hubba hot lady in the hiz-ouse!

But I did meet someone I like. Someone I like a lot. He is nice, sweet, damned good looking, and just something. I can’t explain it. I had talked to him once before but didn’t really get a great look at him (he was on the machine next to me talking about workouts at the gym) until the day of our first session. Yes, he is my latest personal trainer… but the sad thing is. I know it won’t happen with him. We get a long really well. Both enjoy writing, movies, plays, books, working out and some other things but I mean the guy is so out of my league its not even funny. Should I be thinking like this… probably not but I am realistic. I know a girl like me has limited choices. Maybe one day that will change. But until then I will just crush on him and if anything – its helping me work out harder because there is a part of me that wants to make him proud of me and damn his smile is hardcore knee weaking to me.

creativity fallout

/ Varza / 1 Comment

So, on one of the many message boards I go to there is a forum called “The Bucket List” – and like the movie its an area for making lists of things we want to do before we die. Unfortunatly, I think my list is getting longer and not smaller. And I can’t help but wonder – will I be able to even do 10% of what I have on there? I can’t help and not have the confidence that I will do it. The worse thing, is it keeps growing when I watch tv or talk to people. What is my list? Here it is – at this moment in time:

  • Finally meet George and thank him for everything he has given me
  • Fall in love, get married, maybe have a kid or two
  • Design my own wedding gown.
  • Write a novel – and sell it then maybe write another
  • Live life as best as I can…
  • Learn to meditate without falling asleep
  • I want to eat at a Bobby Flay resturant….
  • And conquer my fear of heights the best I can
  • Learn to scuba dive
  • Get my slytherin student costume finished.
  • Get down to 145lbs, and stay there.
  • Buy and own a real Chanel couture purse.
  • Attend the Oscars!
  • Attend a party at the playboy mansion.
  • Own my own successful company
  • Go to Russia
  • Take 6 months and eat my way thru Italy
  • Go to Africa and go on a camping safari
  • Move to Inverness and live there for no less then a year
  • Travel to Greece and take a yacht tour of the islands
  • Go back to Hawaii for a month
  • Munich during Oktoberfest.
  • Travel to Ireland – County Cork and make it to the Isle of Bute
  • Travel to Romania – visit Draculas Castle – the real one and the home of Elizabeth Bathory
  • Go to Glastonbury for the equinox
  • Make it to Devil’s Tower and eat at the nearest resturant, order mashpotatos and make a replica at it while saying – there is something to this! the entire time
  • Have enough money to buy an RV and drive all over the Americas while writing a travel book about the adventures…
  • stay at least one night in the following locations: Stanley Hotel, Queen Mary, El Coronado Hotel and a haunted castle somewhere in the isles.
  • Spend Halloween in Salem, MA and go to their Costume Ball.
  • Go to New Orleans on Halloween and attend the Vamprie Masqurade.

    • Some of them kinda dumb but I am not sure. I am definatly sure that do most of the things on my list I need to be extremely rich and/or rich & famous.

    But the biggest item on my list is to write a book… and maybe another. And there are ideas I do have for writing a book but my brain doesn’t seem to want to help me put it on paper. I have ideas flowing and then when I sit down to write something my mind goes blank. I can’t remember for the life of me what I want or had in my mind. Yes, I know I should write it down when it comes to my mind. Its hard to do that when you are driving a car or working with a customer or on a treadmill. I really want to write something. And something successful… no one wants to be the writer who writes a novel that no one wants to read. Right? But we will see… maybe my creativity fallout will dissipate soon enough and I can move along on this list finally!

    I can’t help but wonder – am I being too over the top with my wants and desires for my life? Am I setting myself up disaster? I guess this is the hardest part of being a pessimist. I know I can’t be over the top for wanting the things I want in life. Kinda dumb for me to think I don’t deserve to be happy… hard not to when strangers come into your life and make you feel you aren’t worth anything.

    Dang it all!

    / Varza / 1 Comment

    So, half the weight I lost after going back to the pool is pretty much back. To my utter frustration and contempt of my body. I have increased my workouts and I don’t know what else to do… I am stuck in this rut between certain weights and I am fluctuating like crazy and its pissing me off.

    I am going on a cruise in just over 4 months and I want to be down 60 more pounds by then and I don’t think I can do it. I have been at this for 4 months already and I have barely lost 30lbs in all that time. I want to loose 3 – 4lbs a week… I am loosing inches – I am down another dress size but I still don’t feel like I am making any headway what so ever on this.

    I don’t know what else to do… I am barely eating 1500 – 1700 cals a day and that is with working out. I guess my biggest hurdle is the carbs and cheese/fats. I love them. I can’t help it. My latest trainer has told me to not eat any complex carbs after 7:30pm and I did okay for about 2 days then last night I broke down and had a bowl of cereal and a glass of OJ about 30 minutes before bed. Not good, not good at all.

    I have no idea how to get it into this stubborn, bull head brain of mine to change. The only thing I can think of is to start increasing my works ontop of the cutting of the carbs – which I will not cut out just cut back – I am just tired! Tired of being fat and not making headway. I am not used to this with my body. It used to respond quickly and I would see changes a lot faster.

    My old trainer stated the other day when I was talking to him that things will start happening soon and I will start seeing more and more changes faster then I was before. But how far away is soon? I mean I am seeing changes already but not enough to not make me frustrated at myself.

    Letting Go and Opening Up to Love

    / Varza / 4 Comments

    I have come to the realization over the past couple weeks that I am extremely lonely. I mean, yes I have a lot of friends but there is something seriously missing from my life and today I realized… I want a relationship. I real relationship not just random dates or sitting on my ass at home with another body in the room. But I miss the hugs and kisses one gets from a significant other.

    Part of it was, recently I was looking for a roommate for a cruise I am going on in Feb and I had no one that wanted to go with me. Not a single person in my life wanted to go on a cruise with me. What is it like to be in a relationship with someone and travel with them? I love to travel and while I don’t mind traveling alone, after so many years of always planning alone – most of the time – its getting very very lonely.

    I am not desperate for a relationship. I’m not going to jump into a long term relationship with just anyone. I want to meet the right person and sadly – I don’t want to join an online dating service to do it. I mean, I know a lot of guys but I’m not their type or they aren’t mine and I am already good friends with them. I don’t want to chance ruining a friendship for a relationship. I tried that already and it didn’t work. I just want to meet the right person.

    For the first time in my life, I want to be in a relationship. I truthfully, have never cared before. Yes, I have had that same feeling of wanting to date and the pressure to be a in a relationship that we all get and have been in relationships but never felt that it was time to stop being alone and break down this wall I have in front of me to keep people out.

    Last year on my birthday, I made a promise to myself that I would take a year completely for myself and work on making myself a better person. A better me. Fix some of those problems that keep me guarded and stand-offish and just not worry about it. And in just over a month, that year is over.

    Am I feeling that I need to be in a relationship because of my subconcious saying I need to breed because that it what we live for? Or do I really want on? The only thing I come up with is, I really want one. I want to share my life with someone. The goods and the bads. Someone who wants the same from me.

    I see a lot of people I know in loving relationships. Who support one another and are so damned happy. At least it seems that way from where I stand. I would like the have that. But I am scared. Very scared at the thought of opening myself up like that to another living being. Of having to let someone into my world. Of trusting and loving someone, who may in the end… hurt you beyond belief. I have been hurt like this in the past. I don’t want it to happen again.

    I mean, I haven’t had the best relationships since my first date when I was 13. I always pushed away the good ones and let the bad ones in. I have been cheated on too many times and left for someone else. I am not sure why. Maybe because I am simply not good enough for anyone. That I will never find love because I am just not lovable. Its easier to have someone hate you then it is to love you. Hell, its easier to hate yourself then love yourself. I know, I struggle with that everyday. But I can’t help but wonder, is there anything about me that would make someone want me. And often, I can’t help but say no there isn’t. Cause if there was… wouldn’t someone have loved me already?

    I have been on this Earth for 32, almost 33 years and in that time, only with one person have I felt completely and utterly perfect with. And he is gone. No where to be found. And probably found a small, petite girl to fall in love with. A girl who is 100% girly. Not into comic books and sports. Who woud rather not have a deep intense conversation about something random then talk about something friviulous like fashion. Who spends a ton of time getting ready in the morning. Someone the opposite of me… cause all the ex’s I do know of – found love with someone like that. The total opposite of me.  But how do I change the core of who I am? And should I? I mean, if in all these years not one guy I have known could care about me beyond a friend or just been the wrong one… will it ever happen for me?

    I know what I want. And I know the feeling of standing in a man’s arms and feeling that the world can’t touch you as long as you are together (even if nothing ever came of that since we were both 13 and living half of Texas from each other).  Or was that my one and only soul-mate and I lost my one chance because I ran away from it (literally) instead of embracing it? How do I get past the image of him when I close my eyes and try to imagine what I want in a mate? After 19 years, I can still see him and the feelings that once scared me so many years ago… are what I now want yet I fear that I will never have it again. And that scares me more then anything else. That I have lost my chance at finding love because I let fear stand in my way and walked away from so many others because they didn’t give me what he did?

    So, what do I do? I have no idea where to go from here. I am ready to let him go and move on with my life and hope its not too late for me to find someone to share my life with. To acknowledge that maybe he and I just weren’t right for each other. And maybe it was a blessing that I ran. And that it was my true destiney to not be with him and to be with another. Its confusing as hell… and I just don’t know where to go from here.

    Another ComicCon?

    / Varza / 2 Comments

    My friends and I have been waiting and waiting to see if C5 is ever going to happen (Star Wars Celebration 5 for those that didn’t know what I meant) and from the rumors I am hearing is that it won’t be until 2010 due to the insane schedule of LFL next year. And while its fine if it is… I can’t help but wonder if this is a red herring. And if so, should I still hold out hope?
    The answer – nope. After talking with some friends we have agreed that since it seems like C5 won’t be happening next year (I believe we knew this far in advance if C4 was going to happen or not because I used my annual bonus to pay for my room and that was months after booking my flight), we have agreed to go to San Diego Comic Con next year.

    I went a few years ago and while it was fun, it was also kinda crappy because being at a convention that has 120,000 people in attendance kinda sucks ass when you are alone almost the entire time. I had no one to really talk to or eat lunch or dinner with. I hung out with a couple people but in truth its not the same as going with friends. I would like to attend and see what its like to not eat every meal except lunch in my hotel room via room service. To wear a costume every day instead of just jeans and t-shirts. Even better – to be 100lbs lighter at the con may help myself feel more comfy in some of the situations. My life is pretty different since then – I belong to several groups for the past few years that I am very active in and they have a presence each year at the convention. So, we will see. Plus, it was when I was alone that I ran into Joss Whedon on the floor.

    Now to start finding hotel rooms… that will help as well on paying for things. 😀 And I am trying to figure out if I can talk the guys into driving instead of flying. 😀 And of course this would mean 4 or 5 different costumes for the week… but nice comfy costumes. I will do my Fem Tusken for the group photo then change into something more comfy.

    But if C5 does happen… well, I may go to that instead but it depends on where it is. Orlando, Baltimore yes. Other places (like Chicago) maybe not.

    Garage Renovation 3

    / Varza / Leave a comment

    Painted today, it sucked but I got one wall done at least. It took an entire galloon of paint since the paint did not go onto the wood easily. I may have to get a small container of paint to finish but we will see. Here are some pics –

    basically in order of blank walls, the paint, finished work… and look no injuries thats just paint!

    Garage Renovation 2

    / Varza / Leave a comment

    This actually happened a few weeks back – the weekend before Labor Day but here are some pics of us working:

    So basically its done… I hurt myself as usual. And yes, my dad changed shirts.

    Blog Updates!

    / Varza / Leave a comment

    Just some quick updates on the site… I created two new pages under the Varza Who? section – Whats Going On? Which is and will be updated on a regular basis with the ever changing events in my life such as which book I am reading, just finished, movies I have seen, trips I am going on, etc… nothing exciting but a quick flash in the pan on what is going on in my life at this point in time. I am also adding a page called: Living in an ADD world!? this page is about the struggles, revalations, annoyance of having ADD in a world where, while it is over diagnoised, people who have it are treated pretty crappy… and there is some in there about living with dyslexia as well – which while mine is minor, it still effects my life pretty damned hard sometimes. This page will be about my past, present and future with living with these learning abilities (some on why I call it that as well).

    Where is my candidate?

    / Varza / 1 Comment

    Seriously! Where is my candidate? Where is a person I am willing to vote in as President. Cause right now, there isn’t one. Because it seems that in America you are either an extreme one way or another. I consider myself a Democrat not a Republican. I have grown up with a Republican party that hates the people – at least in my opinion – unless you are rich.  Why? Well, I didn’t grow up rich – both my parents worked long hours to give my brother and myself everything we hand. We didn’t know the difference. I began recognizing the affect of humans on the world around us when I was like 6 or 7, when the woods I played in behind our house were suddenly torn down for office buildings. So, I did the most logical thing – I wrote the then President Regan and spoke about my desire to help the environment and that I thought it was important for the government to help make sure that we didn’t loose our forests. What did I get back? A form letter and a book on the Presidents. Yeah!! I was ecstatic, cause I was 6! And I got something back…. sometime later a young rich girl from Connecticut wrote a similar letter and made it on the news and was recognized publicly by Regan as being insightful. I burned my letter but I still have the book.

    I have always followed politics since 1980 when I watched Regan and Carter shake hands as the change over was made. It fascinated me and I was only 5. I took my first election very seriously in 1996 when I voted in my first Presidental election. Unfortunatly, it also was the first time I relized that those in power weren’t always right. I voted for Perot. Yes, I voted Perot. In fact, I have yet to vote for a main party politican. Why? Because I haven’t cared for them or I was so sure Gore would be elected I would take the chance and vote for Nader in hopes that we may finally get a recognized third party that would be able to attend debates. Now, don’t get mad at me – I lived in California at the time. Gore took California with a good lead, no Florida debacle there. I didn’t vote for Kerry – and he lost way before New Mexico even called in their final tally.I would not ever vote for a Bush, I disliked and distrusted him since the first time I read an interview with him in George magazine in 1999. He is an evil evil man who uses religion as a weapon… I hate him and I don’t hate easily.

    Here is why I am aggravated… I am a moderate. I am not a liberal, I am not a conservative. And those are our two choices anymore. Extremely liberal or extremely conservative. No moderation. Extreme in any direction is NEVER good in my opinion. You have to be able to see both sides and realize that sometimes you have to bend. No one in government seems to want to bend.

    But there are so many issues to consider and neither main canidate makes me want to vote for them. The hatred that rolls off the tongues of everyone involved on both sides make me nausea’s. And I am not kidding or being sarcastic. I tried to watch both conventions on tv and was disgusted with it.

    I want someone in office to speak for me. Who isn’t full of hate and isn’t full of one extreme or the other or full of shit. Someone who is honest and isn’t going for office just because they want to be the Alpha Male of the USofA.

    I have decided my course of action – I will not vote Republican or Democrat. I am voting for a third party again. Yes, whoever I vote for may not win but I will know that I had nothing to do with who is in office and I can spend the next four years wanting to know why our government hates our country so much and has so little respect for it, that they don’t even realize it. Its all about power – which party has the power… and then the people behind that party who start giggling. Like the frakking Christian Colation has for the past 20 years since they got Regan into office.  But I will also sleep well at night knowing that I didn’t vote some asshole into office.

    Neither Obama nor McCain are good for this country – and their VPs are even worse in my opinion. In fact, Palin is the worst of them all… anyone who wants to destroy nature because its fun and will put money in their pocket makes me want to punch them in the face (she doesn’t care if people kill the endangered Wolves because who cares, right!). Woman to woman… hell, even her “Friends” won’t say they will vote for her during interviews. And I so tired of the sexist crap from the right now…  Read this blog post and see I agree with this guy pretty much 100% here.

    McCain is a Bush lackey and Obama isn’t ready not prepared for the job.

    Go ahead and bash me for my opinion. Seems that is all anyone wants to do anymore… I’m in a crappy ass mood.