So… I signed up on Match.com. Yes yes, I know I said I didn’t want to do the online dating thing. But I figured I would check and see what is out there. And here is what I found: no one. Every single one of the guys on there that met my criteria has one thing I don’t fit – my weight. They all want thin skinny girls. I mean I could open up my search to people who don’t work out that often but I want someone who I can connect with on that level. And I don’t think its going to happen anytime soon. I am just not there. And the other thing I found – was one guy I know. And bingo thats a big no… because we won’t mesh that way at all. I like him and he’s cute but we don’t you know, he wants the same as the rest of them.

I debated about wether or not I should put my own profile up and see if anything comes my way then I realized something. I can’t. No matter what I want… I can’t put a profile up. Why? Stupid really. My job. I work in a Catholic store and I am agnostic. I can’t put my picture up because what if a customer sees it? That is a part of me, not a single customer knows about. It is also the reason why I do not put my real name connected to this blog or any blog. My private life is my private life. I don’t and can’t take the chance that a customer will find out I am not Catholic.

Its sad but true… I have to hide so damned much. I don’t think my parents even realize it. They bug me all time that they want grandkids and one day I am just going to have to say – how can I give you grandkids when I have to hide who I am because I work here. I mean, they asked me the other day if I wanted to one day take over the store. They were surprised I said no. I mean, it stresses me to the max working here. I hate lying and hiding. I am who I am but I can’t go anywhere in public and be myself just incase a customer sees me. I did not ever have this with a job before. When I worked in a video store I would wear t-shirts that said something rude on them without worrying about joe shomo connecting me with my job.

So, I guess that route is completely and utterly closed to me. My choices are now – message boards, the gym (where I get to be judged against all the hot girls) and… well thats it. I could put pool but I doubt anyone seeing me in a bathing suit is going to be all hubba hubba hot lady in the hiz-ouse!

But I did meet someone I like. Someone I like a lot. He is nice, sweet, damned good looking, and just something. I can’t explain it. I had talked to him once before but didn’t really get a great look at him (he was on the machine next to me talking about workouts at the gym) until the day of our first session. Yes, he is my latest personal trainer… but the sad thing is. I know it won’t happen with him. We get a long really well. Both enjoy writing, movies, plays, books, working out and some other things but I mean the guy is so out of my league its not even funny. Should I be thinking like this… probably not but I am realistic. I know a girl like me has limited choices. Maybe one day that will change. But until then I will just crush on him and if anything – its helping me work out harder because there is a part of me that wants to make him proud of me and damn his smile is hardcore knee weaking to me.