Here is one of my major stresses right now, which I have discussed before and am still working it out: what should I major in? I have a major right now of general studies for a transfer to a regular university after I finish at the local community college. And I have chosen several majors throughout the many years of schooling and always end up realizing its not the right one then quitting school because I have NO CLUE what I should be trying to focus on.
This is nothing new, I have spent my life jumping from one thing to the next. I want to be this and then I want to be that and so on and so on until I am where I am today: 33 years old with no idea of what I want to be when I grow up. I have wasted so many years trying to be something special or unique or super intelligent. Seriously. Here are some of my dreams from when I was a kid on up:
- lois lane or journalist
- princess (yes, I was very young at the time)
- broadway star
- music video director
- fashion designer
- business owner
- personal trainer
- restaurant manager
- and on and on and on…
You can get a general idea. I have gone over a lot of these things several times since I was a youngling and I keep doing it. Right now, I have no inkling. Its not that I don’t think I won’t be good at anything; its more of a sense of well, I can do anything and be good at it. In all seriousness though, how do I narrow it down?
Why am I so concerned with this now? In all honesty, I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of saying I am going to school but not having a clue why I am even going there in the first place. I am not a stupid person but there is very little that I am whole heartily thinking I want to do. Jealously rears it head at times when I talk to people who have always known or known for most of their lives what they wanted to be since they were teenagers. Most of those people have their careers and have no desire to do anything else. I fear that when I finally choose something that I am will find I hate it or suddenly want to do another career. Of course, I have this same problem with men, I can’t settle on what I want there either because I am afraid I will choose unwisely and end up hating my decision.
There are some inklings and flashes I have had over the years of what I should do. I can see myself accepting an oscar for best screenplay or best actress, hell I even have my speech all prepared for when it happens. I can see myself listening to people discuss their problems. I can see myself in front of a classroom at a college discussing a number of subjects. I can see myself well, doing any of those things listed above. The question is though: would I be happy in any of those?
Being an actress would be great but I would hate the spotlight because I like privacy. Listening to people and helping them solve their problems would be fascinating but I would get bored because I don’t want to always have to deal with other peoples crap. Teaching would be interesting but I get annoyed when people ask stupid questions and how would I focus on one subject? See the problem there? My negative personality traits rear their head when I really start to think about that job.
I recently asked some friends and family a question: if you could see me being anything, in any career path, what would it be? The responses I got were earily simiular: writer, editor, goat herder. Actually the goat herder was a bit off the cuff and I think my brothers way of telling me he didn’t want to give me an answer. But I got writer and editor several times over. I would love to be a writer but I am horrible at it. Okay, not horrible at writing. Horrible at finishing all the damn stories that are in my head but I do like to write. I have fun with it. Now, I have that. Writing, I can do that but will I be able to make a career out of it.
I also recently asked for advice on finding a career where I can put to use all the useless knowledge in my head, which I have a lot of, and my ability to sound intelligent and knowledgable when I talk. Then I got the response of politician which I swiftly threw in the garbage because that is one career I have absolutly no desire to be in. I do not like politicians, I find most of them to be the scum of the earth.
So, lets look at what I am good at… what am I good at? I have no clue but I am going to try to figure out some of these things but I do know what I like to do!
- writing – I am actually very good at writing, and I have a somewhat decent grasp on the english language
- research – something interests me or I have a question about something, I am really good at finding out the answers and sometimes I am able to pass that knowledge on
- and….. um, hum… I don’t know what else to write here.
There you go… I am sure there is more but in truth, my boss aka mom keeps coming back into the office and its hard to write when I keep having to change the screen. My thought process is getting jumbled with actual real life work…
I do have an inkling of where I am going with this… Can you guess? I think I know where my niche is, its just wether or not it will want me. My thought the other day that I should maybe look back to my childhood dream job. What I really wanted to be when I grew up. I used to annoy the heck out of my brother pretending to be a journalist like Lois Lane before I could even write and for years I would walk around with a notepad and pencil, writing down everything people said (in my own pre writing scribble that only I could read) and well anything and everything. Even the prices at the cornerstore.
What is this job? I already said it and if you have ever read a comic book you will know. And who knows, maybe I will finally meet my “superman”.
I will attempt to continue this train of thought in my next blog but we will see won’t we. I am bad at the whole follow through thing.