Silence is the Enemy Update

The “Silence is the Enemy” movement has now created a website to continue to spread the word of the movement:

(from a message from the facebook group)

June was only the beginning. The goal remains to draw attention to sexual abuse globally and encourage everyone to talk about it and act. We’re not focused on one gender or limited to a single specific region and now we must continue to bang the drum.

Remember several bloggers have pledged to donate their June revenue (based on traffic) to Doctors Without Borders, so you can support the effort with each click on:

Workouts: 6-14-0-9 to 6-20-09

lost another pound this week – finally… I had gained some weight due to the curse of being a woman and messing up on my diet but it finally came off this week… lets hope for more next week.

6-14-09, Sunday

Warm Up

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8
3m – cool down elliptical crossramp

Work Out

Chin Ups – Hands on the inside (super set with dips)
12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

Low Row (superset with bench press)
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#

Bench Press (weight of bar not included)
3 x 12 @ 10#

15 @ 75# – Lat Pull Down


45m – treadmill, 3.3mph, random inclines, level 12
2m – cool down, 2.3mph, flat
15m – Treadmill, 2.8mph, Incline 5
2m – cool down, 2 mph, flat

Est. Time: 2hr10m
Est. Cal Burn: 1473

6-15-09, Monday

Rest Day

6-16-09, Tuesday

Trainer Day!!! Yeah!!

Warm Up

7m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7


4 Rounds of the following:

2 Lengths – Walking Lunges
12 @ 35# – Row Squats
12 – Chin Ups, hands in, counterweighted 170#
12 – Dips, counterweighted 170#
12 @ 30# (3 sets) & 25# (1 set) – Chest Press
2m of stretching


30m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Setting, Level 4

Est. Time: 1 hour 30m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,103

Also weighed in this morning – lost another pound! About dang time!

6-17-09, Wednesday

This was a short workout day due to an emotional upheavel that happened in the middle of the day. I find it difficult to try and not cry and workout at the same time… its not easy. Basically this was the main part of the beginning of a melt down mentally for me that has last the last few days of the week.


30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8

Work Out

Seated Leg Press (super set with calf press)
15 @ 100#
12 @ 110#
9 @ 120#
12 @ 110#
15 @ 100#

Seated Calf Press on Leg Press
15 @ 80#
12 @ 90#
9 @ 100#
12 @ 90#
15 @ 80#

10m – Elliptical, Hills, Level 6

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn
: 763

6-18-09, Thursday

Warm Up

40m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4


3 rounds of the following:

12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – right
12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – left
30 sec – wall sits
10 – reverse crunches
5 – floor wipers
10 – bridges with 30 sec isometric hold in position
10 – bridge with leg lift, right leg
10 – bridge with leg lift, left leg

wanted to keep going but once again, the tears came and I was just tired as hell… so I went home.

Est. Time: 1hr 20m
Est. Cal Burn: 1018

6-19-09, Friday

Rest Day

6-20-09, Saturday

Forced Rest Day – knee acting up and fathers day dinner with familia… will head back tomorrow.

I Push and I Push…

…until the person I am pushing finally walks away then I cry and hate myself for a good long while. Then I get up and redo this cycle over and over again. I have been doing it for about half my life now.

I do not know exactly why I do it. I just so. I try not to but I can’t help myself. I have gone to therapy and all they say is stop doing it. We haven’t ever figured out why I do it… and how exactly can I stop.

This is coming from a latest round of heated discussions with a friend of mine, who in my opinion has been closing himself off more and more recently and I frakking hate that. Part of it is my fault for pushing too hard – pushing for him to go away and pushing to hard to keep him near.

I have this problem – I am not an independent woman who can make myself happy. My happiness goes hand in hand with my relationships with other people. In truth, this is one of the reasons why I cut myself off from people. I am fine on my own without  a lot of people in my life but bring someone in that I can care about it and I will smother not just them but myself in the process of trying to change who I am to please them. I will freely admit, I am not good for the people I am close to. I can be clingy and desperate for the approval from people I care about. To the point that I will do anything to please them… this has been a curse my entire life. I do not know why but it has caused me a huge amount of pain since I was a child.

And it has caused me pain in relationships. I will freely admit that the failure of a majority of my relationships was my fault. Stemming mainly from my desire to not have people angry or upset with me and my desire to make them happy and in the process making myself unhappy because I would smother my own personality to try to keep someone happy. This is because I understand that I have a very large personality – a bit overwhelming at times. Too overwhelming and it is hard to keep people around when you do because well, people don’t like it.

This has just been my experience. If I am myself – weird, crazy, insane, loud, obnoxious with over the top “let me be wacko’ personality that can be (when I allow it) an extremely extraverted person… guys don’t want to date you, girls for the most part hate you. See, I learned early on that if you want a person to date you – you have to be docile and not independent and definatly not over the top.

Why do I think this? Well up to the age of 17, I was fine at being myself. Loud and crazy and just wacko… but I got tired of not being able to get dates. See guys didn’t want to date me – there were a few here and there but they weren’t around for a long time. Generally, once they got to know me a bit better they would disappear. Even the good ones. It didn’t help that my best friend for most of this time was the perfect girl that all the guys wanted to date – especially the guys I liked. Which sucked big time. I also had a hard time making friends… according to the rumors at school I was the class slut, even though I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a rumor started by another “good friend” and unfortunately, no one took the time to get to know me and based their knowledge of me on this rumor. I am sure some of them believe it was truth still to this day… sad I know.

So, I became what people thought I was… because no one gave a shit otherwise… I hated myself for this. I still do. I used to be a strong woman but over the years, the fear of being alone have made me weaker and weaker. I want people to get close but to get them to be close I weaken myself… and then hate both of us for me doing it.

This is not saying I am not a strong woman… I am, I mean hell I have been to hell in back several times over in my life time and lived to tell the tale. But when it comes to relationships, I am so damned desperate for approval I weaken myself and then hate myself for it. I will do anything and everything for someone I care about just to make sure that I do not disappoint them. And in the end disappoint myself because I am not being me in many cases.

I do not know exactly who I am or who I will be one day but I do know I am damned tired of not being myself just to make other people want to be around me. I want to get back to the person I was before… and I will.

So, why do I push – because its a security mechanism. I push people out of my life who have the potential to hurt me. Like putting your hand into the fire… you take it back out because its harmful. I see my relationships with some people as such: I put my hand into the fire then realize that wasn’t a smart thing to do. I am not saying these people are harming me for real… sometimes a walk through fire can be cleansing… symbolically. But I fear the pain that being close to someone can bring me so I push them away and hurt anyways. Stupid? Yep… I hurt myself no matter what but its a hurt I can control. I can be the one to cause the pain, I can control it instead of not controlling the pain that I know someone else will cause. Because in my mind they will cause me pain.

Everything I do, I do it to myself… and I hate myself for it afterwards. I have a lot of self-loathing because I feel like I am going about life all wrong. And not just one or two things wrong but everything. Relationships, working, school, life in general.

Society seems to paint us this picture as how life is suppose to be if you are to successful and happy and like everything else – I do not fit that mold. Life is not a romance novel, people do not fall in love in a few days, weeks or months. Sometimes yes – but not everyone. Its not like the movies where everything fits into place and we all walk into the sunset with everything in place. Its not like tv where the crimes are always solved, justice served and problems fixed in twenty four minutes (30 if you add in the commercials).

Here is what I am going to say I know about me: I am worth caring about and loving… but I am a challenge for anyone who wants to take it up. I will scratch and fight, hug and kiss, hate and love all in a single breathe. If someone wants to love me – they will but it will be hard for awhile on both of us because I am full of fear that I am trying to learn to live and deal with. I am afraid that there is no one out there who will want to take up this challenge of loving me. I am hard to love – even my parents will admit that – but only because I have up a ton of walls and I am scared to let people in. And I am crazy… but that is another story.

The thing is… I have in the past not pushed but when I know a seperation will be coming, instead of enjoying every moment with that person I unknowning start to push… because I am upset they will hurt me. I have no desire to stop it because I want the people I care about to be happy and if that means them going some place else, then so be it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, it hurts having a friendship with someone I care about and knowning it will end in a few months time and that the friendship will most likely end for good, and that hurts. Because I can not control it… and I don’t want to but at the same time? You get the general idea.

So, yesturday sucked big time and I screwed up a friendship. If it is a permenant screw up – I don’t know but I feel weird and akward. I just want to run and hide from it. To not acknowledge how I keep messing up something good in my life.

The Cusp of Drama and Criticism

I posted a few weeks back about finding out that I was borning during a strange and difficult week. In a book, it basically said I was almost impossible to love because of my personality and I guess, curse, of being born at this time. I had posted some information – but that was not the exact article I read. The one I read came from a book called “The Secret Language of Relationships” – the other one was a composite from another source. Here is what I read – I will basically break it down with some of my own comments and thoughts. Does this apply to me? And if so… why type of crap… so here we go:

Libra-Scorpio Cusp
The Cusp of Drama and Criticism
October 19 – 25

Strengths: sensuous, charismatic, artistic
Weaknesses: Overcritical, Addictive, Rigid

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, libra, and the eight sign, Scorpio, where the airy, social, theatrical libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of Scorpio. This cusp can be likened to the period of around 49-years of age in the human life and comes in the middle of fall in the northern hemisphere. In human development, at the age of 49, the midlife period is ending and middle age is approaching. This is a period of that can be characterized by the themes of Drama and Criticism. A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existnace, past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges that cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisues time is spent and in general to a reevalutaion of one’s place in the world.

Basically this is a restatement of what was mentioned in the last blog I wrote about this… the words “aims for the essence of truth” does speak a bit to me. I mean, hell, isn’t that what a majority of my blogs are. Me cutting away the crap to get to the truth of who I am and what I am? So, is this dead on… in a sense it is. At least I think so. Unfortunatly, the highly critical part is very true as well. I am harder on myself then anyone else can be. It annoys the hell out of some of the people in my life because when I make a simple mistake – I don’t just accept it and move on. I basically flog myself for it. I hold on to it and beat myself up emotionally for something that isn’t that big of a deal. I see myself as weak or stupid or not good enough because I am not perfect. Is the same sense of critical that the writers were thinking though… Personally I don’t think so. I do think they are talking about critical sense as someone who can pinpoint a wrong and pushes towards the truth for it. I can do that… sometimes… but I don’t know. I can pinpoint and aim for the bullshit that other people like to throw around…

Big personalities, those born on the Libra-Scorpio cusp may prove too much for anyone to handle.

Okay, breaking in again pretty quickly… yes, I have a big personality. A HUGE personality… and it is a bit much for anyone, even family, to handle at times. I have always said I was an overflowing glass of milk in the resturant of life. A bit too much of everything… And it has driven many people away from me. I have tried to calm myself down or reduce my personality to hide it… but it doesn’t like to be hidden.

Their influence can not only dominate their immediate circle but go far beyond it; that influence is surely personal, for these are charismatic individuals, but also often intellectual, since their ideas are well thought out and highly developed. Libra-Scorpios usually have something to say on almost any subject.

I have something to say on EVERY subject… not almost any… EVERY! I don’t mean to… I just know alot useless crap. I am not a know it all… I just know a lot… as for my influence. I am not a good influence on people. And if I am, I am unaware of any impact I have ever made on a single soul.

Their penchant for preaching from the pulpit makes them well suited to be teachers, whether professionally or informally, and their students usually come to depend heavily on them for guidance.

I don’t preach from a pulpit… I have a milk crate that I use on the corner and scream at people… okay, I don’t really. I just thought it was funny damnit!

Those born on this cusp meld the airy (mental) nature of Libra and the watery (emotional) characteristics of Scorpio – not always an easy take. These two aspects of their personality are often at war, with the head guiding and the heart denying, or viceversa. Libra-Scorpios can get into a real mess with themselves when their intellectual and emotional natures clash. Periods of Libra indecision may be broken by outbursts of Scorpio agression, and self assured Scorpio determination and control may be undermined by Libra procratination and love of repose. The tensions and disappointments of life can at times prove too much for them, such that they retreat into isolation.

I have often joked about my heritage being scottish-irish-english-french-german meaning that I am always in a battle with myself over everything. Unfortunatly, there was an aspect of that, that was true… I battle with myself constantly. I regret constantly and I fear that my indecisions in life have given something I never wanted because I was afraid to make the wrong choice so instead I made none. I do cut myself off from the world alot. Even people. I can not tell you how many times I have told people I care about deeply that I need to go away because of the tension and disappointments that I have with myself. I think the people in my life who have seen this may agree with this statement.

Thus Libra-Scorpios benefit from physical exercise, fitness training, sound diets and all activies that promote healthy contact with the world, and relationships and activities that lessen their tendency to isolate themselves from the world or will prove beneficial to them.

damn it… my mom was right!

The mental orientation of those born on the Cusp of Drama and Criticism appears in their perceptiveness and sharp insightfulness. The twin dangers here are a sense of personal infallibility and a tendency to be overcritical; the disapproving or denigrating attitudes of Libra-Scorpios can hurt those close to them, undermining their confidence in subtle ways. The intimates of Libra-Scorpios may have to fight back against such negative expectations and predictions, not just to protect but to liberate themselves. Those born on this cusp should seriously think about the project of learning to back off, and of not only keeping their opinions to themselves but in many cares letting go of them completely.

So… not only am I too much for anyone to handle… the book advises that people need to learn to liberate themselves from me because I am harmful to them… maybe there is a reason we isolate ourselves. Maybe its for the best of the world we are in contact with? Obviously, we are bad for people…shit! Can they say anything good about this week?

Those born on this cusp have a decidedly modern approach in most areas, but also shelter an undeniable sense of tradition. This is particularly clean in their devotion to parents and children, in whose lives they play a large role – sometimes too large.

There is that word “too” again… too much, too large…

Not that Libra-Scorpios too eaily accept their parents values – far from it. Their attachment is mor emotional. After a stormy and rebellious adolescence, those born on this cusp often return to an extremely close relationship with their parents in later life.

Okay, this is pretty dead on… not that I was a bad kid. Okay, out of the two kids in our family… I was the black sheep. My brother was the perfect one who never got in trouble. I was the one who came home with F’s on my report card and was proud of it. Skipped school some… I did become close with the attendence lady at my high school. Knew her better then any of my teachers…. but I don’t think I was a rebellious kid… hum?

As responsible as many Libra-Scorpios seem in many areas of everyday life, they have an undeniably wild, unpredictable side. Dramatic and impulsive, they will unhesitatingly fly in the face of societys moral codes to assert their values or express themselves, which they can do both cogently and flamboyantly.

I don’t think I am a dramatic person… okay fine! I am… I am insane, at least according to my exes. I don’t really fly in the face of societys moral codes… not really. I just believe what I believe and I don’t care if you don’t agree with me – cause your wrong. Impulsive… eh? I don’t know. I would have to find out from other people. I like plans things out but hum… ?

Even the mildest of those born on this cusp have an exhibitionistic side, and want and need others to take notice of them.

ummmm… yeah I can see this. I like people to see me and notice me for the goddess that I am. Hello! How can they not?! But at the same time, it scares the crap out of me because sometimes that attention and notice is unwanted and creepy .

The private lives of Libra-Scorpios may include many love affairs, charting a path strewn with the broken hearts of those who have had relationships with them. Their particular brand of charimsa, impulsiveness and mental power makes them formidable and sometimes even dangerous individuals to be involved with.

I don’t think I have broken many hearts. If anything, most guys seems to run as fast as they can from me or just treat me like shit… but once again, I am a bad person to be involved with. Like I need more negatives. Now I am dangerous?! Please! Just because I like to drive down dark deserted roads in the middle of the night without the lights on in my car does not mean I am dangerous… But once again I would have to put this to the people who know me best. Heather!!! Am I dangerous and charismatic? And did I break any hearts… ? I didn’t think so…

Sensuousness and passion are important themes in the lives of those born on this cusp. In their relationships with others, however, they may exhibit a split between these two areas, treating sexuality quite differently from sensuality, and basing relationships squarely on either one or the other, and only rarely on both.

Yes… that is all I have to say on this subject.

Libra-Scorpios express their sensuousness in their love of the beautiful and tasteful objects with which they surround themselves, or in an appreciation of art, music and literature.

Dead on! Very very very very very very dead on… if you know me at all… you know this is true.

Those romantically involved with Libra-Scorpios must beware of the addictive tendencies in such relationships. Unduly deep attachments that go beyond usual or even healthy limits may result in debilitating dependencies or painful partings and breakups, even in symptoms resembling drug withdrawl.

See, I’m like a drug… bad for you! I don’t see this part at all…unless someone stealing my car is addicitive. Maybe its the tendency I had for dating addicts? I mean, I attracted them alot… does this mean I was just another drug?

The most successful type of Libra-Scorpio personality is able to structure relationships so that both parties have their own space and retain their identities; less successful individuals born on this cusp ma be fated to experiences a painful string of failed relationships.

Now, this I see… I am an unsuccessful Libra-Scorpio Cusp baby…

A combination of deeply love and friendship in a marriage with a libra-scorpio is possible, however,

I love the “however” don’t you!

and such a bond will overcome almost any difficulties that may arise.

With children, whether thier own or those of other family members or friends, Libra-Scorpio take seriously the role of responsible adult guide, but can lose their objectivity and wind up getting too emotionally involved.

I am starting to hate the word “too”… and yes, I do take the role seriously but have learned to keep my emotional distance. I learned that lesson the hard way with an ex.

Those born on this cusp must learn to be respectful of children, students and other young people, and to realize how damaging their feels and desires, and perhaps their unrealistic expectations, may prove.

So, basically… no one let your children near me because I may hurt them emotionally and everyone else should stay away too because I am harmful to anyone in my life. Thanks… now I feel great!

Advice: try to relax and have fun. Learn to be less picky (I am not picky! I just know what I like damnit!) Do not cut yourself off from the unusal experiences but maintain your poise and balance. Continue to battle with life and resist escapism or the throes of self-pity. Leave the past behind and embrace the future. Cynicism and sarcasm are point to you. (without sarcasm… what do I have? nothing! it is my life blood, I can not exist without it!)

Libra-Scorpio Cusp Notables:

Sarah Bernhardt, Evander Holyfield, Pablo Picasso, Peter Tosh, Catherine Deneuve, Robert Rauschenberg, Annette Funicello, Pele, Johnny Carson, Weird Al Yankovic,  Helen Reddy, Dizzy Gillespie, Ursula Le Guin, Carrie Fisher (sweet Princess Leia!), Benjamin Netanyahu, Jelly Roll Morton, Arthur Rumbaud, Bobby Seale and Mickey Mantle.

Copyright @Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider & Joost Elffers.
1997.  Penguin Studios, New York, NY. Pages 132 – 135

Workouts: 6-7-09 to 6-13-09

Its been a long week emotionally… stress levels are too the ceiling right now. Just getting in as much of a workout as I can right now. Taking each day as it comes…

6-7-09, Sunday

Forced Rest Day

6-8-09, Monday

cardio only today

45m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Mode, Resistance Level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 611

I would of done more but my nephew called and wanted to talk. Nephew trumps working out… at least in my book

6-9-09, Tuesday

Okay, todays workout – trainer day and he KICKED, and I mean KICKED! My butt! He actually pulled most of these from what I have been doing and added some twists and new things. Its nice to have a trainer that I work with so well and who knows my abilities… I’m guessing being friends helps a lot.

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Cross ramp, Crosstrainer, Resistance Level 8

Workout – supersets… each pair is the super set.

Leg Press – super set with reverse lunges
20 @ 90# – Warm Up Set
20 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
12 @ 160#

3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Right Leg
3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Left Leg

Leg Extensions – superset with step ups
15 @ 70# – both legs
2 x 15 @ 30# – right leg, single
2 x 15 @ 30# – left leg, single

3 x 1m each round – step ups

Laying Legs Curls – Superset with Wall Sits
4 x 12 @ 60#
1 x 15 @ 40# (drop set)

3 x 40secs – Wall Sits

2 x 20 @ 75# – Seated Calf Press (all on their own)

2 x 12 – sit ups with 4# medicine ball. (basically, my trainer stood on my feet I had to sit up, grab the medicine ball from his hands. Go down and then go up one more time and give him back the ball – this was one rep.)

5m – Stretching of back and legs…. no cardio

My legs are killing me and I am so damned happy 😀 So far a great day!

Est. Time: 1h 15m (we actually did an hour today instead of our normal 45mins, I think we have too much fun at times.)
Est. Cal Burn: 942

6-10-09, Wednesday

Cardio Warm Up
33mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7

Workout – each grouping is a superset or circuit

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – roman chair leg lift, straight leg

3 x 12 @ 40# – squat w/ back row
3 x 12 @ 50# – fly
3 x 12 @ 50# – rear delt

10m – treadmill, interval inclines, 3.0mph

2 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on medicine ball
2 x 30 – crunches on medicine ball

Tricep Pushdown w/ V Bar – superset with bicep curl
12 @ 35#
10 @ 45#
8 @ 55#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Pull Up w/ Rope
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – stretching (I was really really sore)

Cardio Cool Down
20m – Treadmill, Random Inclines, 3.5mph

I feel like I am missing something but don’t know… surprisingly this was around a 2 hour workout… but seeing as over an hour of it was cardio, I guess that is why.

Est. Time: 2h5mins
Est. Cal Burn: 1,310

6-11-09, Thursday

Rest day, had planned on going in but lack of sleep this past week and the need to decompressed overwhelmed me. So I went home and rested.

6-12-09, Friday

Rest day…

6-13-09, Saturday

Warm Up
30m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, 6 Incline


Smith Squats
15 @ 50# (warm up set)
12 @ 70#
9 @ 80#
7 @ 90#
10 @ 80#
13 @ 70#

Calf Press on Leg Machine
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
10 @ 80#
12 @ 70#
14 @ 60#

5m – Row Machine

Hip Abductions (super set with adductions)
15 @ 135#
12 @ 145#
9 @ 155#
12 @ 150#
15 @ 140#
Hip Adductions
15 @ 130#
12 @ 140#
9 @ 150#
12 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
3 rounds of the following:
12 – stability ball leg pull in/bridge
20 – double crunch
10 – plank w/side rolls
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, left leg
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, right leg
2 x 15 @ 22# barbell – deadlights
Est. Time: 1h 40m
Est. Cal Burn: 1249

too much studying leads…

…to a very dull, stressed, crying Varza. That is right – I hate studying. Absolutely detest it with all my disgusting soul. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love school and learning new things but I hate the fact that I spent my last free weekend for a few months studying. I did go to dinner with a friend on Saturday night but couldn’t think of anything to talk about beyond my damned class. And on Sunday morning I was stressed from being up late Saturday night that when I went out with another friend to a movie and lunch I was in such a damned mood we got into a bit of a tiff. Course, in that situation I wasn’t the only one in a mood… so I can’t blame all that on my Anatomy class but I will because I can.

I think the main reason I do not like studying a lot is because its generally for classes that I suck in. And when I say suck, I mean big time. I actually sat in my class last Thursday starring at the teacher as he spoke with my mouth open and completely and utterly lost. Well, and I was trying not to fall asleep. I do that a lot when it comes to science classes that are not interactive. My mom had recommended I just sit and listen, I tried only to find myself fighting very hard to keep my eyes open for a majority of the class.

At least the quiz we had last week, I did better on then the first one. I got a 23 out of 30. Still got seven wrong but it wasn’t 9 wrong! ha! Like it really matters. I will spend another evening tonight, working on lab homework and studying/reading until I pass out from boredom.

This is a big hill in my journey – mainly because its a struggle and something in the past I would normally just walk away from because I hate feeling stupid and this lecture and lab make me feel like my IQ is actually a 27 instead of a 127 or is it 128? I can’t remember, I know when I am tired its 119 but whatever. Time to get back to work so I can finish up here then head to the gym for a few hours then home to study, eat, sleep, wake up and head back to the gym then study group and then class again.

Then add in the fact that I can not relax enough to truly enjoy reading a fun book, that I read and then get bored because the last thing I want to do is read another printed word… its sad really, I mean my life is books pretty much and I can’t find enjoyment in it. This class is destroying that!  I don’t even want to go into my lack of ability to write one creative word beyond “it was a dark and stormy night” and “a long time ago”. Ugh… breathe, varza, breathe! Only 9 more weeks and then it is over!

Damned my life is boring as hell! Next semester I am taking that damned film as literature class and western civ II. MUCH more interesting!

this is new…

… if you have been here before you may be asking yourself: wth varza! What have you done to your blog!??!?!?! Well, basically, like many things in my life lately – it was time for a change. Time to clean up a bit and actually make this a more focused blog then something that is just a bunch of general spouting off of crap that it was when I started.

This is kind of something that has happened by accident. It seems that for the last few months, my blogs are becoming more and more about the changes going on with my life. Be those changes mind, body or soul… and I thought it would be nice to actually make it about that. Hence the line on my banner: …to rise from the ashes… and be born anew. This is actually the title of my workout journal at the 300DC website and it really has become part of my attitude with my working out and with much of what is going on with my life.

Last year was a “Trial by Fire” (my last workout journal title) and now I am starting to “rise from the ashes” and hopefully will be born anew sometime in the near future, just like the Phoenix. I am stealing Dumbledore’s animagus and I don’t care! I am a Slytherin, he can deal with it. lol…

I am going to be continuing to blog about my workouts, school, the things that come into my mind as I finally start to grow up into a big girl. Am I done working on myself? Nope, not in a long run… right now I am JUST getting started. And this is now the official home of the Journey of Varza into take womanhood… being done at the age of 33 years young. Its about time, I guess… 😀

I hope you continue to stay with me as I go and smack me if I do something stupid… I do that a lot – more often then not. lol! Does this mean that some random weird blogs won’t show up? No, but more often then not they may actually make some sense to someone other then myself.

As for the colour change – I figured something lighter, but not too light was in order for this change. Plus the orange didn’t really go with the new banner and supposedly, the black was hard to read on… lol!

Toodles for now! More later!

Workouts: 5-31-09 to 6-6-09

5-31-09, Sunday

Rest Day

6-1-09, Monday

30m – Elliptical Cross ramp, Hill Intervals, Level 4
5m – stairmaster
28m – stationary bike, weight loss training, level 3
5m – stationary bike, cool down

Est. Time: 1hr7m
Est. Cal Burn: 747

6-2-09, Tuesday

Sick Day

6-3-09, Wednesday

today was trainer day… I missed school again since the lab has a do not come in if you have been sick at all rule, so I met my trainer earlier then originally scheduled and it was damned nice to see and talk to him again. I missed him like crazy.

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8


5 – pushups (big girl ones this time!)

4 rounds of the following circuit:
12 @ 10# dumbbells – lunge with curl (right leg)
12 @ 10# dumbbells – lunge with curl (left leg)
platform ladder walk w/ 5 push ups at the end (done on knees, didn’t want to push my upper body too much)
12 @ 10# dumbbells – front shoulder raises (right arm)
12 @ 10# dumbbells – front shoulder raises (left arm)
12 @ 40# – back row in squat position (stayed in that position no movement on lower body)

3 rounds of the following
15 – reverse crunches
15 – crunches
15 @ 5# dumbbell – mason twists

35m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals, Level 4 & 3 (half and half)

Est. Time:1 hour 30m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,157

6-4-09, Thursday

Today was a FUN FUN FUN night at the gym… normally my night off because of a long day of work and school, I went anyways since I took Tuesday off. But seriously I had a great night tonight, and funny cause I was dragging myself up the stairs before my warm up. Its amazing what good music can do for you!

Warm Up
9m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer 2, Resistance 8


Leg Press
12 @ 110#
10 @ 120#
8 @ 130#
10 @ 120#
12 @ 110#

Hip Abductions super set with adductions
12 @ 135#
10 @ 145#
8@ 155#
11 @ 145#
13 @ 135#

Hip Adductions
12 @ 145#
10 @ 155#
8@ 165#
11 @ 155#
13 @ 145#

10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 3.2mph

3 x 16 @ 55# – Seated Calf Raise

The following 3 items were done in a circuit, one set each then a bit of a rest then did it again

Step Ups – 18″ inch step
1 @ 15.4lbs (or 7kg) – Right Leg
1 @ 15.4lbs (or 7kg) – Left Leg
2 @ 15.4lbs (or 7kg) – Right Leg with Kickback of Left Leg
2 @ 15.4lbs (or 7kg) – Left Leg with Kickback of Right Leg

3 x 12 @ 15.4lbs

3 x 30secs – wall sits

2 x 5 – burpees, push up on the toes
15 @ 22# – standing oblique twists w/ barbell

20m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Circuit, Level 4

Est. WO Time: 1h 45min (took out time for bathroom breaks! I was there 2 hours)
Est. Cal Burn: 1,390 (love that cardio boosts!)

6-5-09, Friday

Emotional Rest Day

6-6-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 3.5mph,


Push Up Challenge: 55 push ups on my knees in 10m – I know I suck!

Bicep Curl w/ EZ Bar super set with tricep pressdown
12 @ 25#
9 @ 35#
7 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

Tricep Pushdown w/ V Bar
12 @ 30#
9 @ 40#
7 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 3.3mph

3 x 10 @ 25# – Shoulder Press

Lat Pulldown – Superset with Chest Press
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#
10 @ 55#
12 @ 45#

2 x 10 @ 40# – Chest Press
2 x 10 @ 35# – Chest Press

10m – Stationary Bike, Interval Resistance, Level 4

Smith Machine Squats
12 @ 70#
10 @ 80#
8 @ 90#
10 @ 80#
12 @ 70#

10m – Stationary Bike, Hills, Level 3

Est. Time: 1h 45m
Est. Cal Burn: 1287

Silence is the Enemy

It is hard for me to find the right words to say about this topic… there is a group being started online called “Silence is the Enemy” by a group of women in protest against the mass rapings of children in war times.

I just want to pass on the links and some information because I feel this is a worthy cause and needs as much attention as possible. Put the spotlight on it and maybe people will start realizing that we can hopefully do something to stop it.

Read the Blog:

Join the Facebook Group:

Workouts: 5-24-09 to 5-30-09

5-24-09, Sunday

Cardio Day!
60m – treadmill, 3.3mph, random inclines
20m – treadmill, 2.0mph, flat, cool down

Est. Time 1h20m
Est. Cal Burn 600 cals

5-25-09, Monday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Training, Level 4


3 x 12 @ 35# – Squat w/ row
3 x 12 – pull ups w/ 180# counterweight

3 x 12 @ 20# – chest press
3 x 12 @ 20# – tricep extensions

2 x 12 @ 6# med ball- some weird ab workout, wood cuter or something of the like
2 x 20 – crunches w/ legs on stability ball
2 @ 1m – plank in push up formation, on toes

5m20s – stairstepper


thats it

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 737

5-26-09, Tuesday

cardio day…

15m – Elliptical Crossramp, Cross Training, Level 5

3 x 5 – burpees minus the jump but did the push ups with no knees. Big girl push ups!
3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions

15m – Treadmill, 3.3mph, 5incline

30m – elliptical, hill intervals, level 3

Est. Time: 1h20m
Est Cal Burns: 977

5-27-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 8


Seated Legg Press – superset with calf presses
15 @ 90#
12 @ 100#
10 @ 110#
12 @ 100#
15 @ 90#

Seated Leg Press Single Legged- Right Leg
15 @ 75#
12 @ 85#
9 @ 95#
12 @ 85#
15 @ 75#

Seated Leg Press Single Legged- Left Leg
15 @ 75#
12 @ 85#
9 @ 95#
12 @ 85#
15 @ 75#

Bicep Curl w/ EZ Bar super set with tricep pressdown[/i]
12 @ 25#
9 @ 35#
7 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

Tricep Pushdown w/ V Bar
12 @ 30#
9 @ 40#
7 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals, Level 3

1 x 15 @ 50# – Fly (superset with rear delt)
3 x 12 @ 55# – Fly
3 x 12 @ 55# – Rear Delt

3 x 10 @ 25# – lat raises

3 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – Lunges, Right Leg
3 x 12 @ 15# dumbbells – Lunges, Left Leg
2 x 10 @ 15# dumbbells – step ups, left leg
2 x 10 @ 15# dumbbells – step ups, right leg
3 x 10 – roman chair

10m – treadmill, 3.3mph, random inclines

I was going to do more but I was beat, this was the 5th day in a row for working out, I was tired. As well as the gym getting insanely crowded. Taking tomorrow off and going back on friday and saturday.

Est. Time: 1h30m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,121

5-28-09, Thursday

Rest Day

5-29-09, Friday

tonights workout – not as much as I wanted to do but at least I went!

Warm Up
5m – Treadmill, Incline 6, 3.5mph


3 x 12 @ 45# – Squat w/ Row
3 x 10 @ 180# counterweight – pull ups

2 x 10 @ 20# – Shoulder Press

3 x 15 @ 60# – Seated Tricep Pushdown

10m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – russian twists on stability ball

30m – Treadmill, 3.3mph, Interval Inclines

Est. Time: 1h15m
Est. Cal Burn 840 (mainly the cardio)

I feel like I am forgetting something but have no clue what… I am gonna go back again tomorrow I think then take sunday off.

5-30-09, Saturday

kinda rest day… I attempted to workout today but my body just wasn’t having it. I basically got in 10m on the elliptical and tried some smith squats but my knees were dying. So wish me luck tomorrow!