Month: July 2008

Then Would It Be Real?

/ Varza / 2 Comments

Friendship. Such a simple, easy word with so much meaning behind it.

Once again I find myself in a pretty common predictament of finding out the people who I believe are my friends, probably aren’t. I am seeing a pattern of people who I used to hang out with not really wanting to be either around me or alone with me. And once again, I am finding myself becoming very hurt by certain actions of people who I consider (or considered) my friends.

Now, why does this happen? Easy, if I am too much myself. Meaning, I don’t keep my mouth shut and be the good fat girl – I become ostricized by the people around me. If I put myself too much out there, people start to walk away or turn away from me. They are kind to my face but I get a feeling when it happens that I have overstepped myself.

Is it normal to feel this way? I don’t know. I just do. I have had it happen to me so many times in the past that I know when I have shown too much of who I am. I need to stay the good, fat girl that doesn’t do anything to upset anyone. I actually hate feeling this way. I have come to the conclusion many times over, I am not made to have too many friends at any given time. Everytime I do – things blow up in my face. Then I end up going back into my hole, licking my wounds and begging for forgiveness like the good dog I am.

But this time, I just want to go away and not come back. Just not deal with it. I am tired of apologizing for who I am and things I say. I am a very blunt person. If I don’t like something, sometimes I don’t keep my mouth shut because I just can’t. I will be extremely honest with someone. There are quite a few people around that I don’t like. For a number of reasons. Usually when guys are overly perverted or a person does or says something that upsets me – I let it go but then it eats away at me and I just start disliking that person more and more.

Whats even worse is when you are honest and just reply to a person honestly and they attack you on a message board. For no other reason then pointing out the obvious. Which then rolls over to your “friends” not talking to you anymore.

So, in truth – if people can stop talking to you for being yourself… is the friendship real? Has it ever been real?

Dresden Files: Turn Coat – Update

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Got this from the myspace Jim Butcher group  I belong to where someone posted this (from the Jim Butcher website):

When Morgan shows up on Harry’s doorstep, broken, bleeding, and begging for protection from the Wardens, Harry finds himself at odds with the White Council yet again.

So, thats a twist I didn’t think of at all! Hum….

Bring On The Pain?

/ Varza / 1 Comment

I met with a personal trainer last night for the first time, actually no it was the second time but the first was my orientation and PT sign up. Now, when I first met up with him and he showed me what we would be doing I though, ‘okay this will be easy. A few jumping jacks, squat jumps, crunches, etc Not a problem!’ Boy was I wrong! I can say I definatly got my moneys worth. Today my lefts are sore and hurt and my arms are lagging behind me and I am 5 hours into my day and I STILL want to go to sleep. But alas I can’t. Sadly, last night I was feeling great! I was chattery, happy and just estatic. I pushed myself and awhile I wasn’t a 100% perfect I would score about a 85 – 90%. I didn’t let myself give into the pain when I wanted to stop I kept going. I am happy about that.

Now, he did tell me to take today off but after I explained that I can’t because I didn’t workout much over the weekend, I am heading back in. But next week, like hell I am. I am going to workout a few days ahead of time and take Wednesday off. But part of me is wishing that I could meet with him more then once a week or for at least an hour. But I can’t afford it. Hell, I can barely afford 30 minutes a week, I took a ton of money out of my entertainment budget and shopping budget to be able to do this. But after last night, I am not sorry I did. He pushed me beyond my comfortablity and made me work really really hard. Which I do do from time to time when I work out but not like last night. I was sweaty and breathing hard but I did it anyways. It felt good.

I am meeting up with him for a bit tonight so he can show me some excercises to do when I am not meeting with him. I look forward to it. He is a pretty cool guy. I just hope this keeps up. I am happy.