I am Still Alive…

…Just in case you are wondering. I am tired, annoyed, pissed off, frustrated, happy and all that other bullshit. Soooo basically, I’m like the entire rest of the world but its just me.

What is going on my life – I am in school and have no desire, energy or time to do any of my homework until the last minute. Nor time to study… by the time I get home from work or the gym I am so frakking tired I just want to sit in front of the tv and forget that the day existed.

Love life is pretty much the same. Non-existant. I attempted match.com for a few days but got overwhelmed by creepy older guys. I don’t want to date anyone in their late 40’s! That is almost as old as my mom! Seriously! Ew! I want someone I can have a life with – not someone who has lived their life and doesn’t want to live one with me. My crush is pretty much gone – doing everything in my power to make him not want to be around me anymore. Not that I want him to go away, its just what I do. Its easier when I don’t have to see the person and get all fucking confused about everything.

I guess its working – the responses to my text messages get less and less each day. Yeah for him? I am just fucking lonely. I hate coming home to an empty house each night. Damn, I am mean I am not desperate – I just am not going to wait around forever. I’m bored with my life… I want to leave Albuquerque. Escape everything here and not look back but I am trapped here. I can’t leave. I have my fucking house and damned commitments to school and work. But there is something deep inside of me that just wants to run away from it all… Just start over again and hope that this time it will work out. But maybe not – maybe there is something wrong with me? That I just exist?

I am just really not happy with my life. I had a wonderful, amazing, relaxing vacation and less then a month back and I just want to leave again. I wish October would get here faster – I am heading to LA for my birthday. Everyone is welcome to join me.

I’m not in the best of moods tonight – I self sabotage myself and wish I would stop.

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