Workouts: 6-7-09 to 6-13-09

Its been a long week emotionally… stress levels are too the ceiling right now. Just getting in as much of a workout as I can right now. Taking each day as it comes…

6-7-09, Sunday

Forced Rest Day

6-8-09, Monday

cardio only today

45m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Mode, Resistance Level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 611

I would of done more but my nephew called and wanted to talk. Nephew trumps working out… at least in my book

6-9-09, Tuesday

Okay, todays workout – trainer day and he KICKED, and I mean KICKED! My butt! He actually pulled most of these from what I have been doing and added some twists and new things. Its nice to have a trainer that I work with so well and who knows my abilities… I’m guessing being friends helps a lot.

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Cross ramp, Crosstrainer, Resistance Level 8

Workout – supersets… each pair is the super set.

Leg Press – super set with reverse lunges
20 @ 90# – Warm Up Set
20 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
12 @ 160#

3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Right Leg
3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Left Leg

Leg Extensions – superset with step ups
15 @ 70# – both legs
2 x 15 @ 30# – right leg, single
2 x 15 @ 30# – left leg, single

3 x 1m each round – step ups

Laying Legs Curls – Superset with Wall Sits
4 x 12 @ 60#
1 x 15 @ 40# (drop set)

3 x 40secs – Wall Sits

2 x 20 @ 75# – Seated Calf Press (all on their own)

2 x 12 – sit ups with 4# medicine ball. (basically, my trainer stood on my feet I had to sit up, grab the medicine ball from his hands. Go down and then go up one more time and give him back the ball – this was one rep.)

5m – Stretching of back and legs…. no cardio

My legs are killing me and I am so damned happy 😀 So far a great day!

Est. Time: 1h 15m (we actually did an hour today instead of our normal 45mins, I think we have too much fun at times.)
Est. Cal Burn: 942

6-10-09, Wednesday

Cardio Warm Up
33mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7

Workout – each grouping is a superset or circuit

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – roman chair leg lift, straight leg

3 x 12 @ 40# – squat w/ back row
3 x 12 @ 50# – fly
3 x 12 @ 50# – rear delt

10m – treadmill, interval inclines, 3.0mph

2 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on medicine ball
2 x 30 – crunches on medicine ball

Tricep Pushdown w/ V Bar – superset with bicep curl
12 @ 35#
10 @ 45#
8 @ 55#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Pull Up w/ Rope
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – stretching (I was really really sore)

Cardio Cool Down
20m – Treadmill, Random Inclines, 3.5mph

I feel like I am missing something but don’t know… surprisingly this was around a 2 hour workout… but seeing as over an hour of it was cardio, I guess that is why.

Est. Time: 2h5mins
Est. Cal Burn: 1,310

6-11-09, Thursday

Rest day, had planned on going in but lack of sleep this past week and the need to decompressed overwhelmed me. So I went home and rested.

6-12-09, Friday

Rest day…

6-13-09, Saturday

Warm Up
30m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, 6 Incline

Workout

Smith Squats
15 @ 50# (warm up set)
12 @ 70#
9 @ 80#
7 @ 90#
10 @ 80#
13 @ 70#

Calf Press on Leg Machine
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
10 @ 80#
12 @ 70#
14 @ 60#

5m – Row Machine

Hip Abductions (super set with adductions)
15 @ 135#
12 @ 145#
9 @ 155#
12 @ 150#
15 @ 140#
Hip Adductions
15 @ 130#
12 @ 140#
9 @ 150#
12 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
3 rounds of the following:
12 – stability ball leg pull in/bridge
20 – double crunch
10 – plank w/side rolls
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, left leg
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, right leg
2 x 15 @ 22# barbell – deadlights
stretching
Est. Time: 1h 40m
Est. Cal Burn: 1249
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the right guy?

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…

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in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?

Yes, I am still alive…

Well, I am still in Las Vegas visiting the familia. Today my parents head into town… But there is a part of me that just wants to go home. I miss my home. And sadly, I miss my friends. Its stupid I know.

I just think about how much my life is going to change when I get back from my next trip – next week and head back to school. In truth, I am scared shitless to be heading back to school. Worried I will fail once more at this. That  I won’t have time to make everyone in my life happy with me because I will be taking time for myself and not for them. That I won’t have time to spend with people I want to spend time with because I will have to concentrate on school… and if I will throw school away because it takes too much from the other parts of my life. And what if I am just not smart enough anymore? I know dumb right? To fear having gotten dumb over the years?  I’m not saying I am stupid or dumb, just not up to school anymore. And what if I am taking the wrong path once again? But I just have to swallow these fears and deal with it the best I can. Put my head down and charge away. And hope for and work towards the best outcome possible… but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe I am taking one too many classes.

As for everything else… its been a bit difficult here. Well, one day at least when my brother started talking to me about getting married and have kids. I know he was trying to be a good big brother. But I don’t need another reminder of how alone I am. I mean, I know that one day someone will want me. Even if the person I want right doesn’t feel the same way, one day someone will? Right? I sure the hell hope so but I know I am getting tired of waiting for something to happen.

And I am sorry but its not me. I am not a stylish, worried about my hair, wearing make up all day long person. I truthfully feel that I can enhance who I am but not hide my true self. Even my workout clothes weren’t good enough. God forbid I wear something comfortable like a t-shirt while working out. I am at the gym to WORKOUT not to find my future husband. I have enough on my head being concerned about looking like a fat idiot while walking on the treadmill without worrying if my hair is out of order because some guy might take an interest in me only because I look a particular way and don’t sweat. I mean, bloody hell. I am not sure if anyone knows who I am.

Okay, enough of this, its not that big of deal. I know my brother is just trying to help. He wants me to be happy but I wish he would take more time to understand who I am and what I am not. I’m tired… Truth be told, I did think I meet someone I could be with long term not too long ago but like all the others in my life – he didn’t want me for anything but a friend. Shocker that!

But otherwise, things are going good. I am spending time with my nephew, had a good Christmas and been annoying the hell out my trainer. I haven’t had a chance to do everything I want since I am trying not to spend too much money (which is harder then it seems and my money is disappearing like crazy) and most of my alone time to go out is me heading to the gym to kick my own ass for a few hours. So, what if I only gambled one night away. Meh, no biggie… I’m not here to meet someone. I am here for family and all that jazz.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday week!

Salads… bad?

I went to dinner last night with the familia at the Macaroni Grill. It was an interesting experience later that evening when I happily went to the website to get the calories et al for the very nutrious, delicious Seared Scallop Salad that I had for dinner. Now I chose over the healthy chicken cause, duh salad good for you right? WRONG! The salad had 1320 calories in it which about 73% of the calories I am suppose to be eating in a day to loose weight (trying to stay around 1800 at the most) . 1320 calories! What the hell!? That is only 160 calories less then TWO Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese from McDonalds. On a damn salad of all things. On top of that there are 91grams of fat in the salad. Ugh… I am just glad I only ate part of it last night. And I am doubly glad that I went to the gym afterwards. Just wish I had worked out more now instead of heading home after about 45 minutes.

Here is the saddest part – the chicken I skipped over 330 calories. And in case you are curious the name of that chicken is the Pollo Margo “Skinny Chicken” which is a Grilled chicken breast with honey balsamic glaze served with grilled asparagus and broccoli. Those calories include everything in the dish. This was a 990 calories less then the salad.  And sadly there was another salad I was looking at and it was only 840, without dressing 490. Smack my head and call me Sally. While yes it was yummy yummy… but it wasn’t worth 1320 calories.

Now I know some of you reading this will probably say in your mind – yep, its always been like this. And while I have been aware that many salads were high in calories. I just never imagined they were that high in calories. I am not really one to count calories, I just want to hit an average and be aware of exactly what I am eating. At least now I know – I can still go the Macaroni Grill, I just need to be a bit more prepared and if I am completely and utterly not sure what is good for me, I need to just read the stupid little guide they give you and get a healthy meal from the menu.