struggle

too much studying leads…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

…to a very dull, stressed, crying Varza. That is right – I hate studying. Absolutely detest it with all my disgusting soul. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love school and learning new things but I hate the fact that I spent my last free weekend for a few months studying. I did go to dinner with a friend on Saturday night but couldn’t think of anything to talk about beyond my damned class. And on Sunday morning I was stressed from being up late Saturday night that when I went out with another friend to a movie and lunch I was in such a damned mood we got into a bit of a tiff. Course, in that situation I wasn’t the only one in a mood… so I can’t blame all that on my Anatomy class but I will because I can.

I think the main reason I do not like studying a lot is because its generally for classes that I suck in. And when I say suck, I mean big time. I actually sat in my class last Thursday starring at the teacher as he spoke with my mouth open and completely and utterly lost. Well, and I was trying not to fall asleep. I do that a lot when it comes to science classes that are not interactive. My mom had recommended I just sit and listen, I tried only to find myself fighting very hard to keep my eyes open for a majority of the class.

At least the quiz we had last week, I did better on then the first one. I got a 23 out of 30. Still got seven wrong but it wasn’t 9 wrong! ha! Like it really matters. I will spend another evening tonight, working on lab homework and studying/reading until I pass out from boredom.

This is a big hill in my journey – mainly because its a struggle and something in the past I would normally just walk away from because I hate feeling stupid and this lecture and lab make me feel like my IQ is actually a 27 instead of a 127 or is it 128? I can’t remember, I know when I am tired its 119 but whatever. Time to get back to work so I can finish up here then head to the gym for a few hours then home to study, eat, sleep, wake up and head back to the gym then study group and then class again.

Then add in the fact that I can not relax enough to truly enjoy reading a fun book, that I read and then get bored because the last thing I want to do is read another printed word… its sad really, I mean my life is books pretty much and I can’t find enjoyment in it. This class is destroying that!  I don’t even want to go into my lack of ability to write one creative word beyond “it was a dark and stormy night” and “a long time ago”. Ugh… breathe, varza, breathe! Only 9 more weeks and then it is over!

Damned my life is boring as hell! Next semester I am taking that damned film as literature class and western civ II. MUCH more interesting!

Weight Loss Woes

/ Varza / 3 Comments

I am damned sexy and any man would be lucky to have me! I know its true, you know its true… so why don’t guys figure that out until its too late? Seriously, they do. Damn them all! lol…

But none of that today. Today is just a general post about my working out and possibly some school stuff, since that started this week.

I have been working on losing weight for about 8 months now and it has been a hard ass struggle so far. On average I should be able to lose about 2 lbs a week, I am averaging about 5lbs per month. On the whole I have lost about 40lbs and mky weight just struggles and struggles to come off and it is a bit tiring. Its hard to like yourself when you hear how fast people are loosing weight and how easy it is for them. Hence, why I have stopped watching infomercials. Those things can be killer on your self-esteem. I lost 40lbs in 8 weeks!

I know I have lost weight and dress, shirt and pants sizes. I am down about 3 sizes now, maybe 4. I work my ass off at the gym each time I go. Okay maybe 98% of the time I go but I am starting to get frustrated. I do ab work every time I see no real changes there. It looks in the same shape. I work and it hurts but in the morning or a few hours there is no pain. So, the question is – am I working out hard enough. How can I know?

I know my trainer has been pushing me and says I am doing great but I don’t feel that way. If I had done as well as I could I would be under 200# by now. Is it because I am not starving myself with my diet. Eating small portions and not always getting the salad at dinner and order a hamburger cause that is what I am hungry for. I refuse to do that and maybe that is my problem. I satisfy my cravings. Now, I don’t go gung how and eat an entire container of ice cream in a siting. Heck I haven’t had ice cream in over a month.  And its not easy but I do it. I don’t eat as many carbs as I want but I still eat like a normal non-dieting person. Not alot, I stay within my calorie margin I believe and watch what I put into my mouth. I eat a lot of salads.

Why won’t I crash diet? Well, basically I want to be able to continue to eat normal and still loose weight. So that when I get to my goal I will be able to eat a normal diet and not gain it all back. Its hard and yes, it is meaning slower results but I am looking in the long run. I have done weight watchers and Jenny Craig but I have failed on both of them. Big time and ended up gaining all the weight back plus more in the end.

But what I would really like to do is go to the doctors and see if there is anything medically that needs attention. I have a feeling I may have a disorder that is part of the reason I gained weight (other then the major snacking and crap eating) as fast as I did and part of why its coming off slowly.

I trust my trainer. He knows what I eat and he doesn’t think I am doing anything wrong. He sees what I eat when I go out to dinner and usually gives me an okay on certain foods. Yes, I do text him when I am out from time to time to discuss my options. He is a good trainer and friend.

So where am I now? Well, heavier then I want to be but getting there. I don’t want to take an entire year from now to loose the last 70lbs to my goal. So what do I need to do? not change my diet… but increase my cardio during my workouts. Not take a day off of cardio just because I am tired and don’t want to even if I have time, like I did last night. But go ahead and do it.

Why won’t I diet more? Well, I like food. I like to eat out. I don’t like to deprive myself of things that bring me joy in life when I can adjust a little – like going protein style on a really goodd burger instead of not having the burger at all? Not having fries but having a salad and stealing one from my friends plate during dinner if I feel the need for one.

Am I succeeding, yes? Yes I am and in my own long ass hard way. I am stubborn what can I say and it seems that my body took up my mentality. 😀