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Workouts: 6-14-0-9 to 6-20-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

lost another pound this week – finally… I had gained some weight due to the curse of being a woman and messing up on my diet but it finally came off this week… lets hope for more next week.

6-14-09, Sunday

Warm Up

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8
3m – cool down elliptical crossramp

Work Out

Chin Ups – Hands on the inside (super set with dips)
12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

Dips
12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

Low Row (superset with bench press)
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#

Bench Press (weight of bar not included)
3 x 12 @ 10#

15 @ 75# – Lat Pull Down

Cardio

45m – treadmill, 3.3mph, random inclines, level 12
2m – cool down, 2.3mph, flat
15m – Treadmill, 2.8mph, Incline 5
2m – cool down, 2 mph, flat

Est. Time: 2hr10m
Est. Cal Burn: 1473

6-15-09, Monday

Rest Day

6-16-09, Tuesday

Trainer Day!!! Yeah!!

Warm Up

7m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7

Workout

4 Rounds of the following:

2 Lengths – Walking Lunges
12 @ 35# – Row Squats
12 – Chin Ups, hands in, counterweighted 170#
12 – Dips, counterweighted 170#
12 @ 30# (3 sets) & 25# (1 set) – Chest Press
2m of stretching

Cardio

30m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Setting, Level 4

Est. Time: 1 hour 30m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,103

Also weighed in this morning – lost another pound! About dang time!

6-17-09, Wednesday

This was a short workout day due to an emotional upheavel that happened in the middle of the day. I find it difficult to try and not cry and workout at the same time… its not easy. Basically this was the main part of the beginning of a melt down mentally for me that has last the last few days of the week.

Cardio

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8

Work Out

Seated Leg Press (super set with calf press)
15 @ 100#
12 @ 110#
9 @ 120#
12 @ 110#
15 @ 100#

Seated Calf Press on Leg Press
15 @ 80#
12 @ 90#
9 @ 100#
12 @ 90#
15 @ 80#

10m – Elliptical, Hills, Level 6

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 763

6-18-09, Thursday

Warm Up

40m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4

Toning

3 rounds of the following:

12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – right
12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – left
30 sec – wall sits
10 – reverse crunches
5 – floor wipers
10 – bridges with 30 sec isometric hold in position
10 – bridge with leg lift, right leg
10 – bridge with leg lift, left leg

wanted to keep going but once again, the tears came and I was just tired as hell… so I went home.

Est. Time: 1hr 20m
Est. Cal Burn: 1018

6-19-09, Friday

Rest Day

6-20-09, Saturday

Forced Rest Day – knee acting up and fathers day dinner with familia… will head back tomorrow.

I Push and I Push…

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…until the person I am pushing finally walks away then I cry and hate myself for a good long while. Then I get up and redo this cycle over and over again. I have been doing it for about half my life now.

I do not know exactly why I do it. I just so. I try not to but I can’t help myself. I have gone to therapy and all they say is stop doing it. We haven’t ever figured out why I do it… and how exactly can I stop.

This is coming from a latest round of heated discussions with a friend of mine, who in my opinion has been closing himself off more and more recently and I frakking hate that. Part of it is my fault for pushing too hard – pushing for him to go away and pushing to hard to keep him near.

I have this problem – I am not an independent woman who can make myself happy. My happiness goes hand in hand with my relationships with other people. In truth, this is one of the reasons why I cut myself off from people. I am fine on my own without  a lot of people in my life but bring someone in that I can care about it and I will smother not just them but myself in the process of trying to change who I am to please them. I will freely admit, I am not good for the people I am close to. I can be clingy and desperate for the approval from people I care about. To the point that I will do anything to please them… this has been a curse my entire life. I do not know why but it has caused me a huge amount of pain since I was a child.

And it has caused me pain in relationships. I will freely admit that the failure of a majority of my relationships was my fault. Stemming mainly from my desire to not have people angry or upset with me and my desire to make them happy and in the process making myself unhappy because I would smother my own personality to try to keep someone happy. This is because I understand that I have a very large personality – a bit overwhelming at times. Too overwhelming and it is hard to keep people around when you do because well, people don’t like it.

This has just been my experience. If I am myself – weird, crazy, insane, loud, obnoxious with over the top “let me be wacko’ personality that can be (when I allow it) an extremely extraverted person… guys don’t want to date you, girls for the most part hate you. See, I learned early on that if you want a person to date you – you have to be docile and not independent and definatly not over the top.

Why do I think this? Well up to the age of 17, I was fine at being myself. Loud and crazy and just wacko… but I got tired of not being able to get dates. See guys didn’t want to date me – there were a few here and there but they weren’t around for a long time. Generally, once they got to know me a bit better they would disappear. Even the good ones. It didn’t help that my best friend for most of this time was the perfect girl that all the guys wanted to date – especially the guys I liked. Which sucked big time. I also had a hard time making friends… according to the rumors at school I was the class slut, even though I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a rumor started by another “good friend” and unfortunately, no one took the time to get to know me and based their knowledge of me on this rumor. I am sure some of them believe it was truth still to this day… sad I know.

So, I became what people thought I was… because no one gave a shit otherwise… I hated myself for this. I still do. I used to be a strong woman but over the years, the fear of being alone have made me weaker and weaker. I want people to get close but to get them to be close I weaken myself… and then hate both of us for me doing it.

This is not saying I am not a strong woman… I am, I mean hell I have been to hell in back several times over in my life time and lived to tell the tale. But when it comes to relationships, I am so damned desperate for approval I weaken myself and then hate myself for it. I will do anything and everything for someone I care about just to make sure that I do not disappoint them. And in the end disappoint myself because I am not being me in many cases.

I do not know exactly who I am or who I will be one day but I do know I am damned tired of not being myself just to make other people want to be around me. I want to get back to the person I was before… and I will.

So, why do I push – because its a security mechanism. I push people out of my life who have the potential to hurt me. Like putting your hand into the fire… you take it back out because its harmful. I see my relationships with some people as such: I put my hand into the fire then realize that wasn’t a smart thing to do. I am not saying these people are harming me for real… sometimes a walk through fire can be cleansing… symbolically. But I fear the pain that being close to someone can bring me so I push them away and hurt anyways. Stupid? Yep… I hurt myself no matter what but its a hurt I can control. I can be the one to cause the pain, I can control it instead of not controlling the pain that I know someone else will cause. Because in my mind they will cause me pain.

Everything I do, I do it to myself… and I hate myself for it afterwards. I have a lot of self-loathing because I feel like I am going about life all wrong. And not just one or two things wrong but everything. Relationships, working, school, life in general.

Society seems to paint us this picture as how life is suppose to be if you are to successful and happy and like everything else – I do not fit that mold. Life is not a romance novel, people do not fall in love in a few days, weeks or months. Sometimes yes – but not everyone. Its not like the movies where everything fits into place and we all walk into the sunset with everything in place. Its not like tv where the crimes are always solved, justice served and problems fixed in twenty four minutes (30 if you add in the commercials).

Here is what I am going to say I know about me: I am worth caring about and loving… but I am a challenge for anyone who wants to take it up. I will scratch and fight, hug and kiss, hate and love all in a single breathe. If someone wants to love me – they will but it will be hard for awhile on both of us because I am full of fear that I am trying to learn to live and deal with. I am afraid that there is no one out there who will want to take up this challenge of loving me. I am hard to love – even my parents will admit that – but only because I have up a ton of walls and I am scared to let people in. And I am crazy… but that is another story.

The thing is… I have in the past not pushed but when I know a seperation will be coming, instead of enjoying every moment with that person I unknowning start to push… because I am upset they will hurt me. I have no desire to stop it because I want the people I care about to be happy and if that means them going some place else, then so be it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, it hurts having a friendship with someone I care about and knowning it will end in a few months time and that the friendship will most likely end for good, and that hurts. Because I can not control it… and I don’t want to but at the same time? You get the general idea.

So, yesturday sucked big time and I screwed up a friendship. If it is a permenant screw up – I don’t know but I feel weird and akward. I just want to run and hide from it. To not acknowledge how I keep messing up something good in my life.

The Cusp of Drama and Criticism

/ Varza / 16 Comments

I posted a few weeks back about finding out that I was borning during a strange and difficult week. In a book, it basically said I was almost impossible to love because of my personality and I guess, curse, of being born at this time. I had posted some information – but that was not the exact article I read. The one I read came from a book called “The Secret Language of Relationships” – the other one was a composite from another source. Here is what I read – I will basically break it down with some of my own comments and thoughts. Does this apply to me? And if so… why type of crap… so here we go:

Libra-Scorpio Cusp
The Cusp of Drama and Criticism
October 19 – 25

Strengths: sensuous, charismatic, artistic
Weaknesses: Overcritical, Addictive, Rigid

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, libra, and the eight sign, Scorpio, where the airy, social, theatrical libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of Scorpio. This cusp can be likened to the period of around 49-years of age in the human life and comes in the middle of fall in the northern hemisphere. In human development, at the age of 49, the midlife period is ending and middle age is approaching. This is a period of that can be characterized by the themes of Drama and Criticism. A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existnace, past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges that cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisues time is spent and in general to a reevalutaion of one’s place in the world.

Basically this is a restatement of what was mentioned in the last blog I wrote about this… the words “aims for the essence of truth” does speak a bit to me. I mean, hell, isn’t that what a majority of my blogs are. Me cutting away the crap to get to the truth of who I am and what I am? So, is this dead on… in a sense it is. At least I think so. Unfortunatly, the highly critical part is very true as well. I am harder on myself then anyone else can be. It annoys the hell out of some of the people in my life because when I make a simple mistake – I don’t just accept it and move on. I basically flog myself for it. I hold on to it and beat myself up emotionally for something that isn’t that big of a deal. I see myself as weak or stupid or not good enough because I am not perfect. Is the same sense of critical that the writers were thinking though… Personally I don’t think so. I do think they are talking about critical sense as someone who can pinpoint a wrong and pushes towards the truth for it. I can do that… sometimes… but I don’t know. I can pinpoint and aim for the bullshit that other people like to throw around…

Big personalities, those born on the Libra-Scorpio cusp may prove too much for anyone to handle.

Okay, breaking in again pretty quickly… yes, I have a big personality. A HUGE personality… and it is a bit much for anyone, even family, to handle at times. I have always said I was an overflowing glass of milk in the resturant of life. A bit too much of everything… And it has driven many people away from me. I have tried to calm myself down or reduce my personality to hide it… but it doesn’t like to be hidden.

Their influence can not only dominate their immediate circle but go far beyond it; that influence is surely personal, for these are charismatic individuals, but also often intellectual, since their ideas are well thought out and highly developed. Libra-Scorpios usually have something to say on almost any subject.

I have something to say on EVERY subject… not almost any… EVERY! I don’t mean to… I just know alot useless crap. I am not a know it all… I just know a lot… as for my influence. I am not a good influence on people. And if I am, I am unaware of any impact I have ever made on a single soul.

Their penchant for preaching from the pulpit makes them well suited to be teachers, whether professionally or informally, and their students usually come to depend heavily on them for guidance.

I don’t preach from a pulpit… I have a milk crate that I use on the corner and scream at people… okay, I don’t really. I just thought it was funny damnit!

Those born on this cusp meld the airy (mental) nature of Libra and the watery (emotional) characteristics of Scorpio – not always an easy take. These two aspects of their personality are often at war, with the head guiding and the heart denying, or viceversa. Libra-Scorpios can get into a real mess with themselves when their intellectual and emotional natures clash. Periods of Libra indecision may be broken by outbursts of Scorpio agression, and self assured Scorpio determination and control may be undermined by Libra procratination and love of repose. The tensions and disappointments of life can at times prove too much for them, such that they retreat into isolation.

I have often joked about my heritage being scottish-irish-english-french-german meaning that I am always in a battle with myself over everything. Unfortunatly, there was an aspect of that, that was true… I battle with myself constantly. I regret constantly and I fear that my indecisions in life have given something I never wanted because I was afraid to make the wrong choice so instead I made none. I do cut myself off from the world alot. Even people. I can not tell you how many times I have told people I care about deeply that I need to go away because of the tension and disappointments that I have with myself. I think the people in my life who have seen this may agree with this statement.

Thus Libra-Scorpios benefit from physical exercise, fitness training, sound diets and all activies that promote healthy contact with the world, and relationships and activities that lessen their tendency to isolate themselves from the world or will prove beneficial to them.

damn it… my mom was right!

The mental orientation of those born on the Cusp of Drama and Criticism appears in their perceptiveness and sharp insightfulness. The twin dangers here are a sense of personal infallibility and a tendency to be overcritical; the disapproving or denigrating attitudes of Libra-Scorpios can hurt those close to them, undermining their confidence in subtle ways. The intimates of Libra-Scorpios may have to fight back against such negative expectations and predictions, not just to protect but to liberate themselves. Those born on this cusp should seriously think about the project of learning to back off, and of not only keeping their opinions to themselves but in many cares letting go of them completely.

So… not only am I too much for anyone to handle… the book advises that people need to learn to liberate themselves from me because I am harmful to them… maybe there is a reason we isolate ourselves. Maybe its for the best of the world we are in contact with? Obviously, we are bad for people…shit! Can they say anything good about this week?

Those born on this cusp have a decidedly modern approach in most areas, but also shelter an undeniable sense of tradition. This is particularly clean in their devotion to parents and children, in whose lives they play a large role – sometimes too large.

There is that word “too” again… too much, too large…

Not that Libra-Scorpios too eaily accept their parents values – far from it. Their attachment is mor emotional. After a stormy and rebellious adolescence, those born on this cusp often return to an extremely close relationship with their parents in later life.

Okay, this is pretty dead on… not that I was a bad kid. Okay, out of the two kids in our family… I was the black sheep. My brother was the perfect one who never got in trouble. I was the one who came home with F’s on my report card and was proud of it. Skipped school some… I did become close with the attendence lady at my high school. Knew her better then any of my teachers…. but I don’t think I was a rebellious kid… hum?

As responsible as many Libra-Scorpios seem in many areas of everyday life, they have an undeniably wild, unpredictable side. Dramatic and impulsive, they will unhesitatingly fly in the face of societys moral codes to assert their values or express themselves, which they can do both cogently and flamboyantly.

I don’t think I am a dramatic person… okay fine! I am… I am insane, at least according to my exes. I don’t really fly in the face of societys moral codes… not really. I just believe what I believe and I don’t care if you don’t agree with me – cause your wrong. Impulsive… eh? I don’t know. I would have to find out from other people. I like plans things out but hum… ?

Even the mildest of those born on this cusp have an exhibitionistic side, and want and need others to take notice of them.

ummmm… yeah I can see this. I like people to see me and notice me for the goddess that I am. Hello! How can they not?! But at the same time, it scares the crap out of me because sometimes that attention and notice is unwanted and creepy .

The private lives of Libra-Scorpios may include many love affairs, charting a path strewn with the broken hearts of those who have had relationships with them. Their particular brand of charimsa, impulsiveness and mental power makes them formidable and sometimes even dangerous individuals to be involved with.

I don’t think I have broken many hearts. If anything, most guys seems to run as fast as they can from me or just treat me like shit… but once again, I am a bad person to be involved with. Like I need more negatives. Now I am dangerous?! Please! Just because I like to drive down dark deserted roads in the middle of the night without the lights on in my car does not mean I am dangerous… But once again I would have to put this to the people who know me best. Heather!!! Am I dangerous and charismatic? And did I break any hearts… ? I didn’t think so…

Sensuousness and passion are important themes in the lives of those born on this cusp. In their relationships with others, however, they may exhibit a split between these two areas, treating sexuality quite differently from sensuality, and basing relationships squarely on either one or the other, and only rarely on both.

Yes… that is all I have to say on this subject.

Libra-Scorpios express their sensuousness in their love of the beautiful and tasteful objects with which they surround themselves, or in an appreciation of art, music and literature.

Dead on! Very very very very very very dead on… if you know me at all… you know this is true.

Those romantically involved with Libra-Scorpios must beware of the addictive tendencies in such relationships. Unduly deep attachments that go beyond usual or even healthy limits may result in debilitating dependencies or painful partings and breakups, even in symptoms resembling drug withdrawl.

See, I’m like a drug… bad for you! I don’t see this part at all…unless someone stealing my car is addicitive. Maybe its the tendency I had for dating addicts? I mean, I attracted them alot… does this mean I was just another drug?

The most successful type of Libra-Scorpio personality is able to structure relationships so that both parties have their own space and retain their identities; less successful individuals born on this cusp ma be fated to experiences a painful string of failed relationships.

Now, this I see… I am an unsuccessful Libra-Scorpio Cusp baby…

A combination of deeply love and friendship in a marriage with a libra-scorpio is possible, however,

I love the “however” don’t you!

and such a bond will overcome almost any difficulties that may arise.

With children, whether thier own or those of other family members or friends, Libra-Scorpio take seriously the role of responsible adult guide, but can lose their objectivity and wind up getting too emotionally involved.

I am starting to hate the word “too”… and yes, I do take the role seriously but have learned to keep my emotional distance. I learned that lesson the hard way with an ex.

Those born on this cusp must learn to be respectful of children, students and other young people, and to realize how damaging their feels and desires, and perhaps their unrealistic expectations, may prove.

So, basically… no one let your children near me because I may hurt them emotionally and everyone else should stay away too because I am harmful to anyone in my life. Thanks… now I feel great!

Advice: try to relax and have fun. Learn to be less picky (I am not picky! I just know what I like damnit!) Do not cut yourself off from the unusal experiences but maintain your poise and balance. Continue to battle with life and resist escapism or the throes of self-pity. Leave the past behind and embrace the future. Cynicism and sarcasm are point to you. (without sarcasm… what do I have? nothing! it is my life blood, I can not exist without it!)

Libra-Scorpio Cusp Notables:

Sarah Bernhardt, Evander Holyfield, Pablo Picasso, Peter Tosh, Catherine Deneuve, Robert Rauschenberg, Annette Funicello, Pele, Johnny Carson, Weird Al Yankovic,  Helen Reddy, Dizzy Gillespie, Ursula Le Guin, Carrie Fisher (sweet Princess Leia!), Benjamin Netanyahu, Jelly Roll Morton, Arthur Rumbaud, Bobby Seale and Mickey Mantle.

Copyright @Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider & Joost Elffers.
1997.  Penguin Studios, New York, NY. Pages 132 – 135


Workouts: 6-7-09 to 6-13-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Its been a long week emotionally… stress levels are too the ceiling right now. Just getting in as much of a workout as I can right now. Taking each day as it comes…

6-7-09, Sunday

Forced Rest Day

6-8-09, Monday

cardio only today

45m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Mode, Resistance Level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 611

I would of done more but my nephew called and wanted to talk. Nephew trumps working out… at least in my book

6-9-09, Tuesday

Okay, todays workout – trainer day and he KICKED, and I mean KICKED! My butt! He actually pulled most of these from what I have been doing and added some twists and new things. Its nice to have a trainer that I work with so well and who knows my abilities… I’m guessing being friends helps a lot.

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Cross ramp, Crosstrainer, Resistance Level 8

Workout – supersets… each pair is the super set.

Leg Press – super set with reverse lunges
20 @ 90# – Warm Up Set
20 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
12 @ 160#

3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Right Leg
3 x 12 – Reverse Lunges, Left Leg

Leg Extensions – superset with step ups
15 @ 70# – both legs
2 x 15 @ 30# – right leg, single
2 x 15 @ 30# – left leg, single

3 x 1m each round – step ups

Laying Legs Curls – Superset with Wall Sits
4 x 12 @ 60#
1 x 15 @ 40# (drop set)

3 x 40secs – Wall Sits

2 x 20 @ 75# – Seated Calf Press (all on their own)

2 x 12 – sit ups with 4# medicine ball. (basically, my trainer stood on my feet I had to sit up, grab the medicine ball from his hands. Go down and then go up one more time and give him back the ball – this was one rep.)

5m – Stretching of back and legs…. no cardio

My legs are killing me and I am so damned happy 😀 So far a great day!

Est. Time: 1h 15m (we actually did an hour today instead of our normal 45mins, I think we have too much fun at times.)
Est. Cal Burn: 942

6-10-09, Wednesday

Cardio Warm Up
33mins – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7

Workout – each grouping is a superset or circuit

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – roman chair leg lift, straight leg

3 x 12 @ 40# – squat w/ back row
3 x 12 @ 50# – fly
3 x 12 @ 50# – rear delt

10m – treadmill, interval inclines, 3.0mph

2 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on medicine ball
2 x 30 – crunches on medicine ball

Tricep Pushdown w/ V Bar – superset with bicep curl
12 @ 35#
10 @ 45#
8 @ 55#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Pull Up w/ Rope
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – stretching (I was really really sore)

Cardio Cool Down
20m – Treadmill, Random Inclines, 3.5mph

I feel like I am missing something but don’t know… surprisingly this was around a 2 hour workout… but seeing as over an hour of it was cardio, I guess that is why.

Est. Time: 2h5mins
Est. Cal Burn: 1,310

6-11-09, Thursday

Rest day, had planned on going in but lack of sleep this past week and the need to decompressed overwhelmed me. So I went home and rested.

6-12-09, Friday

Rest day…

6-13-09, Saturday

Warm Up
30m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, 6 Incline

Workout

Smith Squats
15 @ 50# (warm up set)
12 @ 70#
9 @ 80#
7 @ 90#
10 @ 80#
13 @ 70#

Calf Press on Leg Machine
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
10 @ 80#
12 @ 70#
14 @ 60#

5m – Row Machine

Hip Abductions (super set with adductions)
15 @ 135#
12 @ 145#
9 @ 155#
12 @ 150#
15 @ 140#
Hip Adductions
15 @ 130#
12 @ 140#
9 @ 150#
12 @ 140#
15 @ 150#
3 rounds of the following:
12 – stability ball leg pull in/bridge
20 – double crunch
10 – plank w/side rolls
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, left leg
2 x 5 @ 22# barbell – triple pump lunge, right leg
2 x 15 @ 22# barbell – deadlights
stretching
Est. Time: 1h 40m
Est. Cal Burn: 1249

too much studying leads…

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…to a very dull, stressed, crying Varza. That is right – I hate studying. Absolutely detest it with all my disgusting soul. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love school and learning new things but I hate the fact that I spent my last free weekend for a few months studying. I did go to dinner with a friend on Saturday night but couldn’t think of anything to talk about beyond my damned class. And on Sunday morning I was stressed from being up late Saturday night that when I went out with another friend to a movie and lunch I was in such a damned mood we got into a bit of a tiff. Course, in that situation I wasn’t the only one in a mood… so I can’t blame all that on my Anatomy class but I will because I can.

I think the main reason I do not like studying a lot is because its generally for classes that I suck in. And when I say suck, I mean big time. I actually sat in my class last Thursday starring at the teacher as he spoke with my mouth open and completely and utterly lost. Well, and I was trying not to fall asleep. I do that a lot when it comes to science classes that are not interactive. My mom had recommended I just sit and listen, I tried only to find myself fighting very hard to keep my eyes open for a majority of the class.

At least the quiz we had last week, I did better on then the first one. I got a 23 out of 30. Still got seven wrong but it wasn’t 9 wrong! ha! Like it really matters. I will spend another evening tonight, working on lab homework and studying/reading until I pass out from boredom.

This is a big hill in my journey – mainly because its a struggle and something in the past I would normally just walk away from because I hate feeling stupid and this lecture and lab make me feel like my IQ is actually a 27 instead of a 127 or is it 128? I can’t remember, I know when I am tired its 119 but whatever. Time to get back to work so I can finish up here then head to the gym for a few hours then home to study, eat, sleep, wake up and head back to the gym then study group and then class again.

Then add in the fact that I can not relax enough to truly enjoy reading a fun book, that I read and then get bored because the last thing I want to do is read another printed word… its sad really, I mean my life is books pretty much and I can’t find enjoyment in it. This class is destroying that!  I don’t even want to go into my lack of ability to write one creative word beyond “it was a dark and stormy night” and “a long time ago”. Ugh… breathe, varza, breathe! Only 9 more weeks and then it is over!

Damned my life is boring as hell! Next semester I am taking that damned film as literature class and western civ II. MUCH more interesting!

this is new…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

… if you have been here before you may be asking yourself: wth varza! What have you done to your blog!??!?!?! Well, basically, like many things in my life lately – it was time for a change. Time to clean up a bit and actually make this a more focused blog then something that is just a bunch of general spouting off of crap that it was when I started.

This is kind of something that has happened by accident. It seems that for the last few months, my blogs are becoming more and more about the changes going on with my life. Be those changes mind, body or soul… and I thought it would be nice to actually make it about that. Hence the line on my banner: …to rise from the ashes… and be born anew. This is actually the title of my workout journal at the 300DC website and it really has become part of my attitude with my working out and with much of what is going on with my life.

Last year was a “Trial by Fire” (my last workout journal title) and now I am starting to “rise from the ashes” and hopefully will be born anew sometime in the near future, just like the Phoenix. I am stealing Dumbledore’s animagus and I don’t care! I am a Slytherin, he can deal with it. lol…

I am going to be continuing to blog about my workouts, school, the things that come into my mind as I finally start to grow up into a big girl. Am I done working on myself? Nope, not in a long run… right now I am JUST getting started. And this is now the official home of the Journey of Varza into take womanhood… being done at the age of 33 years young. Its about time, I guess… 😀

I hope you continue to stay with me as I go and smack me if I do something stupid… I do that a lot – more often then not. lol! Does this mean that some random weird blogs won’t show up? No, but more often then not they may actually make some sense to someone other then myself.

As for the colour change – I figured something lighter, but not too light was in order for this change. Plus the orange didn’t really go with the new banner and supposedly, the black was hard to read on… lol!

Toodles for now! More later!

Silence is the Enemy

/ Varza / 3 Comments

It is hard for me to find the right words to say about this topic… there is a group being started online called “Silence is the Enemy” by a group of women in protest against the mass rapings of children in war times.

I just want to pass on the links and some information because I feel this is a worthy cause and needs as much attention as possible. Put the spotlight on it and maybe people will start realizing that we can hopefully do something to stop it.

Read the Blog: http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersection/2009/06/01/silence-is-the-enemy/

Join the Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=88260307629&ref=nf

the right guy?

/ Varza / 4 Comments

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

Workouts 5-17-09 to 5-23-09

/ Varza / 2 Comments

5-17-09, Sunday

Rest day! Had to get ready for a new school semester that started this week…

5-18-09, Monday

Warm Up
9m – Elliptical Cross ramp, glute trainer, resistance 8
stretching

Workout

Leg Press
15 @ 100#
12 @ 110#
10 @ 120#
8 @ 130#
10 @ 120#
12 @ 110#
15 @ 100#

Seated Calf Raises
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#
10 @ 55#
12 @ 45#

3 x 12 @ 60# – Laying Leg Curl

5m – Treadmill, Incline Intervals, 3.5mph

Abductions
12 @ 145#
10 @ 155#
8 @ 165#
10 @ 175#
12 @ 145#

Adductions
12 @ 135#
10 @ 145#
8 @ 155#
10 @ 165#
12 @ 135#

3 x 12 @ 60# – Leg Extensions

3 Rounds of the Following
12 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, right leg
12 @ 15# dumbbells – lunges, left leg
10 @ 15# dumbbells – deadlifts
12 @ 15# dumbbells – step ups

Cardio

25m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4

Est. Time: 2 hours
Est. Cal Burn: 1285

5-19-09, Tuesday

Warm Up
10m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Inclines 2, 4, 6
stretching

Workout

Tricep Push Down w/ v bar superset with bicep curls
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Bicep Curl w/ ezbar super set with tricep pushdown
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

5m – Treadmill, 3.2mph, Interval Inclines

Hammer Strength – ISO, Lat Decline Press weight is per arm
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
12 @ 25#

2 x 10 @ 10# each arm – ISO, Shoulder Press

3 x 10 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions
3 x 10 – roman chair, straight legged

Cardio Cool Down
15m – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Random Inclines

Est Time:1 hour
Est Cal Burn: 700

5-20-09, Wednesday

30m – Elliptical Cross ramp, glute trainer 2, resistnace 8

2 rounds of:
20 – stability ball crunches
10 – reverse crunches
15 @ 8# medicine ball – Russian twists on stability ball

11m – treadmill, 3.5mph, incline 3 & 6 (50/50)

Est. Time: 65min
Est. Cal Burn: 625

5-21-09, Thursday

Rest Day

5-22-09, Friday

Rest day…

5-21-09, Saturday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Hill Intervals, level 5
stretching

Workout

Smith Machine Squats
12 @ 60#
10 @ 70#
8 @ 85#
10 @ 75#
12 @ 65#

Hip Abductions
12 @ 145#
12 @ 155#
10 @ 165#
12 @ 150#

Hip Adductions
12 @ 140#
12 @ 150#
10 @ 160#
12 @ 145#

4 x 15 @ 75# – Calf Press, left leg
4 x 15 @ 75# – Calf Press, right leg

8 x 30sec – wall sits

3 x 15 – Stability ball bridge pull in

Cool Down
10m – Treadmill, 3.3mph, Interval Inclines

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 350

Time to Figure It Out Part 2!

/ Varza / 2 Comments

I told you I would be back to finish that last part of this adventure. If you need to reread or read for the first time, Part one go here: Time to Figure It Out Part 1.

Okay, when we last left off I rushed through what I thought I should major in. Since then I have had some deep discussions with my mom. She too didn’t go to college until she was in her 20s and 30s, mainly cause of raising kids and having to work to help support the household. My mom had some interesting thoughts on what I should major in but her main point was to just get a degree in something, and preferably something that wasn’t too specific. That if I go for a very specific degree it would be harder to find a job in just anything. Whereas a degree in just English or liberal arts would give me a degree and the ability for a wider range of positions. For example, I could go for a psychology degree, but in truth unless I am willing to go further in my education then a bachelors it is basically worthless.

She also stated that, this is what minors are for. I could major in English and minor in something else. This would give me a focus but not too specific a focus. Is she right? Probably but the real question is if it is right for me. I have no clue but I do know that my mom is speaking from experience. It took her over a decade to final graduate from college in her 40s. She went for an teaching degree… now she loved teaching but hated the politics of the administration in the education system today. So, now she has a teaching degree which isn’t really good for much beyond teaching.

I look at my brother, he went for a history degree with a teaching degree attached to it. He is stuck working in retail. I look at my friends who majored in psychology – one can’t find a job because that degree means nothing without, like I said, another degree attached to it; the other works for the government in a job that needs no degree for people to do. Another friend with a journalism degree who works at a gym for just about minimum wage. And the stories go on and on and on…

So, does the major really matter? And in that case, if I do this I can only be sure that it does not guarantee me a job in career just because I have a piece of paper. I have to really look to the outside of just the degree and find out – what do I want to study for 2 – 3 years and where would I like to go to school.

I have been looking and asking for information on some schools and found that not all of them have departments for all the different majors. Such as the University of Pittsburgh, a school I wanted to attend most of my childhood, does not have a journalism school. So, if I want to move back to Pittsburgh at all – I could not major in journalism. Not that really matters, there are plenty of schools that have a journalism department in different parts of the country.

I have stated before that I am looking at possibly moving out of New Mexico to another part of the country, preferably to the east coast. In my search for university and colleges I started to look overseas to the UK. One of my dreams since I was a kid was to live somewhere on the British Isles for a few years. This is a possibility for me to do with finishing up my final years of school. I couple of the universities I came across are very open to international students of all ages and also give scholarships to help pay for your time there – including housing. Depending on my major – this is another possibility for me.

I am right now stuck on two majors: Journalism or English. Either one would be good but part of me wants to follow my mothers advice and go for the more general degree of English (most places don’t have a general lib. arts degree anymore at least that I can see) and possibly do two minors. One in journalism and another in business. The business would give me a back up. Or do a double major in English & Business w/ a minor in Journalism. Something on my paper that gives me something more concrete in the real world. Something that I could grow with and hopefully give me a boost up in the insanity that is life.

Maybe I did not find my exact major at this time but I do now at least have it narrowed down to a more specific region of study. I have come to realize that there are things, while I think they would be fascinating to do, are things that I would hate doing as a career. Now, I just need to figure out that last bit but I have awhile before I have to have it solid. I can spend the next year finalizing it and helping it come to fruition.