Author: Varza

Upcoming Book Releases

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Here is a list of the upcoming book releases that I want to share with you all! I don’t have all information on the books but as I get it… I will post it.

Carrie Vaughn – my fav werewolf novelist!

October 1, 2009

Kitty Takes a Holiday – Audio CD – $34.99

November 1, 2009

Kitty and the Silver Bullet – Audio CD – $34.99

January 1, 2010

Kitty’s House of Horrors – $7.99
REALITY BITES Talk radio host and werewolf Kitty Norville has agreed to appear on TV’s first all-supernatural reality show. She’s expecting cheesy competitions and manufactured drama starring shapeshifters, vampires, and psychics. But what begins as a publicity stunt will turn into a fight for her life. The cast members, including Kitty, arrive at the remote mountain lodge where the show is set. As soon as filming starts, violence erupts and Kitty suspects that the show is a cover for a nefarious plot. Then the cameras stop rolling, cast members start dying, and Kitty realizes she and her monster housemates are ironically the ultimate prize in a very different game. Stranded with no power, no phones, and no way to know who can be trusted, she must find a way to defeat the evil closing in . . . before it kills them all.

March 1, 2010

Voice of Dragons – $16.99

Upcoming Jim Butcher Books:

November 11, 2009

Dresden Files: Death Masks Audio – $49.95
Princep’s Fury Paperback – $7.99

December 1, 2009

First Lord’s Fury – New Codex Book – $25.95
The savage Vord are on the march, and Gaius Octavian must lead his legions to the Calderon Valley to stand against themusing all of his intelligence, ingenuity, and furycraft to save his world from eternal darkness.
Audio Book -$ 49.95

January 10, 2010

Mean Streets – $7.99
 From four of today’s hottest fantasy authors comes this collection of all-new novellas of dark nights, cruel cities, and paranormal P.I.s.

April 6, 2010

Changes: Dresden Files 12 – $25.95
(audio CD release on April 15, 2010)

Upcoming releases by Kim Harrison

September 1, 2009

Unbound – $7.99
Revisiting the paranormal realms they’ve made famous in their popular fiction, “New York Times”-bestselling authors Kim Harrison, Jeaniene Frost, Vicki Pettersson, and Jocelynn Drake–plus YA author Melissa Marr with her first adult work–unleash their full arsenal of dark talents. Original.

December 1, 2009

White Witch, Black Curse – paperback release – $7.99

March 1, 2010

Black Magic Sanction – $25.99

Charlaine Harris…

September 1, 2009

Sookie Stackhouse Box Set – $63.92
 The inspiration for HBO’s hit television drama “True Blood,” Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse series is now available in this boxed set. Includes “Dead Until Dark, Living Dead in Dallas, Club Dead, Dead to the World, Dead as a Doornail, Definitely Dead, All Together Dead,” and “From Dead to Worse.” Original.

Must Love Hellhounds – $15.00
These four tales of man’s worst friend, written by today’s hottest paranormalauthors, will have hellhound-lovers howling.

Club Dead – $14.00

October 6, 2009

A Touch of Dead – Sookie Stackhouse Series – $23.95
 Every Sookie Stackhouse short story ever written in one special volume  from the
“New York Times” bestselling author Charlaine Harris has re-imagined the supernatural world with her spunky (“Tampa Tribune”) Southern Vampire novels starring telepathic waitress Sookie Stackhouse. Now, for the first time, here is every Sookie Stackhouse short story ever writtenatogether in one volume. Stories include Fairy Dust, One Word Answer, Dracula Night, Lucky, and Giftwrap.

November 1, 2009

Grave Secret – $24.95
 Harper Connelly Mysteries #4

Other Paper back Releases:

Dead to the World – $14.00 – October 6, 2009
Dead as a Doornail – $14.00 – November 3, 2009
Defiantly Dead – $14.00 – December 1, 2009
All Together Dead – $14.00 – January 5, 2010
From Dead to Worse – $14.00 – February 2, 2010
Dead and Gone Mass Paperback Release – $7.99 – April 10, 2010

Okay lunch break over… I will do more later for other authors. If you have someone you want to know more of – let me know and I will see what I can find out. Also, those of you that I know want to order anything – contact me.





Work Outs: 7-19-09 to 7-29-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Weird week and a half – workouts are really off due to my nephew visiting which means he is a priority. But here it is:

7-19-09, Sunday

Rest Day

7-20-09, Monday

Swimming:

600 – 50 free/50breast for each 100m
200 – kicking – 50free/50 breast for each 100m

Time: 35m
Cal Burn: 557

Would of gone longer but lighting storm came in and they closed the pool…

7-21-09, Tuesday

todays workout – got cut short due to a sick nephew.

Warm Up
5m – Running, Treadmill, 5.3, Incline 4
Stretching

Workout

4 x 15 @ 50# – Squats (5-half, all the way down then half way up/5-half, half way down then back up/5 – full squats)

4 x 12 @ 5# dumbbells – incline shoulder raises

4 x 1m – chest press, bar only

5 x 12 @ 15# dumbbell – incline 1 arm row, right
5 x 12 @ 15# dumbbell – incline 1 arm row, left

3 x 20 – incline crunches

5m – stretching

Est. Time 1h10m
Est. Cal Burn: 748

7-22-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Program, Resistance Level 5
Stretching

Workout

4 x 20 @ 15# – Chest Press w/ 20s rest between sets

4 x 15 @ 40# – lat pull/w 20s rest between sets

4 x 15 @ 20 (for 2) 25 (for 2) – Bicep Curls (superset with tricep dips)
4 x 15 @ 70 (for 2) 50 (for 2) – tricept dips

4 x 12 @ 50# – leg extensions

Stretching

Cool Down
15m – Elliptical, Hill Program, Resistance Level 5

Est. Time: 1h25m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,118

7-23-09, Thursday

Rest Day

7-24-09, Friday

todays workout – got cut short because the day care was closed and limited on what I could do with a 5 year old with me at the gym

Warm Up
10m – Intervals, 3.5mph – 5.5mph, Incline 4
Stretching

Workout

3 rounds
20 @ 22lb barbell – Side Step Ups on 16″ step (1 rep was twice over – go over right then back over left)
40 @ 22lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kickbacks on 16″ step
25 @ 8# med ball – jackknifes

Stretching

Time: 45m
Cal Burn…. no clue

Today was a cheat day – I spent the next 6 hours walking around at a large indoor arcade/play place for kids with an all you can eat buffet… ate both dinner and lunch there – ate as many veggies as possible with one of the “healthier” pastas… but had small servings of ice cream and apple cobbler one one slice of pizza. I was weak I know. But whatever, I don’t care – my main concern is that my nephew was happy and having a good time. Thought about going back to the gym but my knees are killing me from basically standing for about 5 hours.

Also – did my BFI today… 27.9%. Weight – exactly 210

7-25-09, Saturday

Rest Day/Study Day for Finals

7-26-09, Sunday

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Weight Loss Trainer, Resistance level 5

Circuit

Tricep Push Down w/ V Bar
15 @ 25#
12 @ 35#
9 @ 45#
12 @ 35#
15 @ 25#

5 x 15 @ 30# – Low Row with lay back
5 x 15 @ 30# – Chest Press

Stretching

Est. Time 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn 764 (384 from elliptical/384 from circuit according to calorie count)

7-27-09, Monday

teaching swimming to my nephew for an hour… lots of treading and leisure time

45m – hard swimming, mix of breast and free. stopped when my shoulder started giving me problems.

Est. Time: 1h 45m
Est. Cal Burn: 1225 (yes I counted my teach my nephew – not easy work and burned about 500 cals )

7-28-09, Tuesday

Rest Day

7-29-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 9
Stretching

Toning – each grouping is a super set

4 x 15 @ 40# – Lat Pull Down with 1 hand reversed (switch hands each set)
4 x 12 @ 30# – cable tricep kickbacks

54 @ 40# – Seated Row (5 sets with random reps)
54 @ 10# (last with 20#) – arm straighting thing, the opposite of an arm curl, left arm
54 @ 10# (last with 20#) – arm straighting thing, the opposite of an arm curl, right arm

50 @ 10# + bar – deadlifts (heels on weights to lift them up and get some more focus on the whole back leg)

3 set @ 45# – seated calf burnouts… basically did as many as I could before my calves gave out (about 20 each set)

Cardio
20m – Treadmills, Incline 3, Intervals: 1m15s – walking (3.2) 1m – running (5.5 or 5.7)

32m – stationary bike, weight loss program, level 2

Est. Time: 2 hours
Est. Cal Burn: 1,363


How Far Have I Come?

/ Varza / Leave a comment

On this diet?

This is me at C4 a few years ago:

n1408593272_178996_9767

this is me a few weeks ago

5480_1166729494260_1408593272_452477_5203626_n

That is the difference of 60# looks… not huge but its something

Workouts: 7-11-09 to 7-18-09

/ Varza / 1 Comment

7-11-09, Saturday

Rest Day – forced due to female issues

7-12-09, Sunday

Rest Day/Homework day – piling up had to get it done

7-13-09, Monday

10m – elliptical, weight loss program, level 5

Hip Abductions superset with adductions
12 @ 130
10 @ 140
9 @ 150
10 @ 145
12 @ 135

Hip Adductions
12 @ 120
10 @ 130
9 @ 140
10 @ 135
12 @ 125

Leg Press
12 @ 110
10 @ 120
8 @ 130
10 @ 120
12 @ 110

3 x 10 @ 50# – Single Leg Extensions, Right Leg
3 x 10 @ 50# – Single Leg Extensions, Left Leg

Calf Press
12 @ 80#
10 @ 90#
12 @ 80#

10m – Treadmill, Interval Inclines, 3.5mph

3 x 12 @ 8# medicine ball – back extensions w/ twist
3 x 15 @ 8# medicine ball – jack knives

10m – elliptical crossramp, glute trainer, resistance level 10

Est. Time: 1h 10m
Est. Cal Burn: 922

7-14-09, Tuesday

trainer day!

Warm Up
13m – Elliptical Crossramp, Cross training, resistance 7

Workout

4 rounds of the following

(1 round w/) 15 @ 20# bar – sumo squat straight on
(3 rounds w/) 15 @ 20# bar – sumo squat, angled w right leg forward
(3 rounds w/) 15 @ 20# bar – sumo squat, angled w left leg forward

Chest Press on Stability ball in plank form @ 15# dumbells – one arm static straight up holding one dumbbell and pressed with other arm… 5 left, 5 right, 5 left. 5 right (10 total each arm) each round

Back Row seated on Ball @ 35# – 2 rounds with 10 regular row, then 5 individual arm rows each arm, 2 rounds with 5 regular row then 10 individual arm rows each arm

15 each arm @ 15# – arm curls

Abs

Crunch w/ weight in knees – 20 @ 6# med ball
Double Crunch w/ weight in knees – 20 @ 6# med ball

Cardio
15m – Elliptical, Hills, Level 4
13m – Treadmill, Rolling Inclines, Level 4, 3.3mph

Est. Time: 1 hour 30 m
Est. Cal Burn: 1129 (mainly cause of the elliptical)

7-15-09, Wednesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical, Cardio Training, Level 3
Stretching

Workout

Bicep Curl – superset with tricep pushdowns
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
9 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

Tripcep Pushdown on v-bar
12 @ 35#
10 @ 45#
9 @ 55#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

10m – Row machine

1 x 12 @ 20# – shoulder press
1 x 10 @ 75# – glute machine, right
1 x 10 @ 75# – glute machine, left
2 x 12 @ 25# – shoulder press

Leg Press – (legs set high to focus more on glutes) superset with calf press
12 @ 90# – feet wide (focuses more on inside)
10 @ 95# – feet narrow (this focuses more on outside of thighs)
8 @ 100# – feet wide
10 @ 95# – feet narrow
12 @ 90# – feet wide

Calf Press
12 @ 55# – toes in (focus on outside of calf)
10 @ 60# – toes out (on inside)
8 @ 65# – toes in
10 @ 60# – toes out
12 @ 55# – toes in

Cardio
20m – Treadmill, 3.4mph, Interval Inclines

Est. Time: 1hr 20m
Est. Cal Burn: 903

7-16-09, Thursday

Rest Day

7-17-09, Friday

20m – Intervals, 1st and Last min – walking then 1m Run, 1m30s walk (5.5 – 3.2), Incline 4
Stretching

4 Rounds x 10 reps
10# + barbell – Incline Bench Press
70# – smith machine squat
30# each arm – ISO Hammer Strength, Front Lat Pulldown

10 – Roman Chair
15 @ 8# med ball – back extension with twist

20m – Elliptical Cross Ramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance 9

Est. Time 1 hour (couldn’t do anymore since i had to pick up my nephew)
Est. Cal Burn 747

7-18-09, Saturday

Warm Up
15 – Treadmill, 3.5mph, Incline 3

Work Out

3 Rounds of the following

12 @ 24.2lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Left Leg (on a 18″ step)
12 @ 24.2lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Right Leg (on a 18″ step)

12 @ 24.2lb barbell – Deadlifts

12 @ 24.2lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Left Leg
12 @ 24.2lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Right Leg

10 @ 8lb Med Ball – Wood Cutter w/ squat (started in squat, stood and went to the left with moving the ball above my head w/ straight arms. Back Down to the squat and then back up to the right – this was 1 rep)

10 – Plyo Side Skip over 1 level of a stair step. (one skip over and back to start was 1 rep)

10 – Hamstring Pull In on Stability Ball

2 Lengths – Walking Lunges, about 6 or 7 yards each way

Ab Work

3 rounds (no breaks in between rounds)

15 – Leg Pull Ins (sat on the step up step and leaned back at a 45 deg angle and pulled my legs in to my chest)
30 sec – flutter kicks, laying on the step up step)

and then… contest time with the nephew – he beat me, I was dang tired by this point

13 – Pushups on my knees
22 – Crunches
2 x 10 secs – planks

20 mins of stretching and yoga (while my nephew did his workout)

Est. Time: 1hour 45mins
Est. Cal Burn: 1050

Workouts 7-4-09 to 7-11-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

You may of noticed I didn’t post workouts last week and there is a reason for that – I took a week off from working out. I was stressed and my body just wasn’t working like it should and when I would go to the gym I would just be blah… I did workout for part of the last full week of June but I didn’t record it because of my mind set. In truth, the break did me well. I gave myself the ability to not worry about counting calories and could just breathe and relax. I was able to just restart and jumpstart my body again. By the time I started back on the 4th of July, I was ready and my mind was back into the game as well as my diet.

While I did gain weight from eating poorly… It is now coming back off. I redid my calorie intake guide for each day and reduced it around 100 more calories to 1880 per day. So far so good. I am determined to eat cleaner as well, as much as I can afford to because well – little cashes and fresh foods are NOT cheap. I am almost back to my lowest weight.

With my workouts – I have decided to keep working out 5 days a week but I am going to be limiting my workouts to 1hour – 1hour 30mins at the most. There may be one day every few weeks where I will do one of my 2 hour workouts but for the majority of the time, it will be the shorter workouts. This will give me a true workout and also allow me to not stress over taking time away from everything else going on. This is essential to my mind set since I am getting prepared for the fall semester at school and will be taking 3 classes. Not an easy task but I have figured out that if I want to get my associates within a reasonable time I will have to take 3 – 4 classes a semester and I will graduate in about 2 years time. Luckily, if I pass these current classes – my science requirements will be over with and then I just have to deal with the math. Once that is done, I should be good. I will post my classes once I get signed up and everything.

Okay – this past weeks workouts (my workout weeks will be from Saturdays to Friday, since I started back on Saturday – the day I declared my indepence from fat – get the 4th humor?! ha!)

7-4-09, Saturday

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical Crossramp, Crosstraining, Level 7

Workout

10 – walking planks

Bicep Curls w/ ez bar – super set with triceps
12 @ 25#
10 @ 35#
8 @ 45#
10 @ 35#
12 @ 25#

Tricep Pushdown w/ v-bar
12 @ 30#
10 @ 40#
8 @ 50#
10 @ 40#
12 @ 30#

5 – walking planks

6m – Stair stepper, Weight Loss Program Level 5. 1m straight, 1m left, 1m right

3 x 10 @ 15# (each arm) – Hammer Strength ISO Shoulder Press
3 x 10 @ 10# + bar – bench press

6m – elliptical, glute trainer, level 8 (3m forward peddle, 3m backward peddle)

2 rounds of:
10 @ 6# medicine ball – Jackknives
10 – Ab Wipers on the floor
10 @ 6# medicine ball – Back Extensions w/ twist

Cool Down
15m – Stationary Bike, Hills, Level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 1020
Est. Time: 1h 20m

7-5-09, Sunday

Warm Up
15m – Elliptical, Level 4, Weight Loss Segment

Circuit

4 rounds: (about 1m break in between rounds to cool down, the humidity was insane today and my inhaler ran out)

10 @ 22lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Left Leg
10 @ 22lb barbell – Sumo Squat w/ one leg on step (5″ high) Right Leg

10 @ 22lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Left Leg (on a 18″ step)
10 @ 22lb barbell – Step Up w/ Kick Back, Right Leg (on a 18″ step)

1 Length – Walking Lunges, about 6 or 7 yards

30sec – Wall Sits

10 @ 22lb barbell – Deadlifts

10 @ 8lb Med Ball – Wood Cutter w/ squat (started in squat, stood and went to the left with moving the ball above my head w/ straight arms. Back Down to the squat and then back up to the right – this was 1 rep)

10 – Plyo Side Skip over 1 level of a stair step. (one skip over and back to start was 1 rep)

Ab Work

3 rounds (no breaks in between rounds)

20 – Leg Pull Ins (sat on the step up step and leaned back at a 45 deg angle and pulled my legs in to my chest)
15 sec – flutter kicks, laying on the step up step)

Time: 1h 15m
Est. Cal Burn: 954

7-6-09, Monday

Rest Day

7-7-09, Tuesday

Warm Up
10m – Elliptical Cross Ramp, Crosstraining, Level 5
5m – Stretching

Workout

4 rounds of the following – no breaks
1m – Side lunges with one leg on step box with Walk Over
1m – Regular Lunges
20 @ 15# – Dumbbell Swing
15 @ 2 15# dumbbells – Chest Press
1m – Row Machine

Cool Down
5m – Stretching

Est. Time 1h 5-10m
Est. Cal Burn 803

7-8-09, Wednesday

20m – Treadmill, Intervalls, Incline 3, 2m walk – 3.0, 1m jog – 5.0 (186 cals)

3 rounds
12 @ 35# – Squat w/ row
10 – chin ups, counterweighted at 180#
10 – dips, counterweighted at 180#

15m – elliptical cross ramp, glute trainer, resistance 7 (175c)
5m – elliptical cross ramp, cool down, resistance 4 (50.5c)

5m – stretching

Est. Time 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn 621.5

7-9-09, Thursday

13m – Elliptical Crossramp, Weight Loss Program, Resistance Level 6

3 rounds:
20 @ 8# dumbbells – lat raises
15 @ 8# dumbbells – tricep kickbacks

2m – row machine

Abs
20 – crunches
3 x 20 – v crunches
10 – v crunches
5 – 10sec planks
2 – 30sec planks

10m – elliptical, fat loss program, level 4

17m – treadmill, intervals, level 5

Est. Cal Burn: 620
Est. Time: 1 hour 5 mins

7-10-09, Friday

Rest Day

Spinach Breakfast Sandwich

/ Varza / Leave a comment

Made a really yummy breakfast this morning, thought I would share it with you:

Spinach Breakfast Sandwich

0709090858

Ingredients
1 – 7-Organic Sprouted 100% Whole Grain Flourless English Muffins – English Muffins (160cals)
1 – Wedge Light Swiss Original (35cal)
1 – large egg (70cal) – use the whole egg not just whites for the additional nutrients
1 – slice of smoked turkey breast (est 20cal)
few leafs of pre-steamed spinach (est 8cal)

Directions

slice and toast muffin, while this is toasting… cut or shred the slice of turkey breast and sautee slightly in pan with Pam. Crack one large egg into the pan and scramble (I don’t scramble in a bowl and then pour, cause I don’t like to add water or milk to my scrambled eggs). Once the egg is scrambled and cooked, place spinach (I used pre-steamed spinach because it helps with the next step) and place on top of your scrambled egg. Place a pot cover over the pan and turn off the heat. Allow the egg/spinach to heat up with the steam while you take your muffin out of the toaster over. Spead half of the cheese wedge on the bottom portion and the other half on the top portion. Take egg out of the pan and place on the muffin then finish with the top being put on.

Enjoy!

Its really yummy.

Nutritional information: Grade B+ on caloriecount.about.com

Est. Total Cals: 293
Fat – 26.2% (9 grams)
Protein – 26.5% (20 grams)
Carbohydrates – 47.3% (36 grams)
Sodium – 774 mg
Sugar – 1 grams
Cholesteral – 232 mg
S. Fat – 3 grams
Fiber – 7 grams

est. time to cook – 6 – 7mins

Silence is the Enemy Update

/ Varza / Leave a comment

The “Silence is the Enemy” movement has now created a website to continue to spread the word of the movement: http://www.stopsilence.com/

(from a message from the facebook group)

June was only the beginning. The goal remains to draw attention to sexual abuse globally and encourage everyone to talk about it and act. We’re not focused on one gender or limited to a single specific region and now we must continue to bang the drum.

Remember several bloggers have pledged to donate their June revenue (based on traffic) to Doctors Without Borders, so you can support the effort with each click on:

http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/intersection/
http://scienceblogs.com/isisthescientist/
http://scienceblogs.com/aetiology/
http://scienceblogs.com/bioephemera/
http://scienceblogs.com/neurotopia/
http://scienceblogs.com/authority/
http://scienceblogs.com/drugmonkey/
http://scienceblogs.com/ethicsandscience/
http://www.examiner.com/x-6875-Seattle-Grassroots-Examiner
http://moderateleft.com
http://www.scientificblogging.com/rugbyologist/silence_enemy
http://scienceblogs.com/sciencewoman/

Workouts: 6-14-0-9 to 6-20-09

/ Varza / Leave a comment

lost another pound this week – finally… I had gained some weight due to the curse of being a woman and messing up on my diet but it finally came off this week… lets hope for more next week.

6-14-09, Sunday

Warm Up

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8
3m – cool down elliptical crossramp

Work Out

Chin Ups – Hands on the inside (super set with dips)
12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

Dips
12 @ 180# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight
12 @ 170# counterweight

Low Row (superset with bench press)
12 @ 45#
10 @ 55#
8 @ 65#

Bench Press (weight of bar not included)
3 x 12 @ 10#

15 @ 75# – Lat Pull Down

Cardio

45m – treadmill, 3.3mph, random inclines, level 12
2m – cool down, 2.3mph, flat
15m – Treadmill, 2.8mph, Incline 5
2m – cool down, 2 mph, flat

Est. Time: 2hr10m
Est. Cal Burn: 1473

6-15-09, Monday

Rest Day

6-16-09, Tuesday

Trainer Day!!! Yeah!!

Warm Up

7m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 7

Workout

4 Rounds of the following:

2 Lengths – Walking Lunges
12 @ 35# – Row Squats
12 – Chin Ups, hands in, counterweighted 170#
12 – Dips, counterweighted 170#
12 @ 30# (3 sets) & 25# (1 set) – Chest Press
2m of stretching

Cardio

30m – Elliptical, Weight Loss Setting, Level 4

Est. Time: 1 hour 30m
Est. Cal Burn: 1,103

Also weighed in this morning – lost another pound! About dang time!

6-17-09, Wednesday

This was a short workout day due to an emotional upheavel that happened in the middle of the day. I find it difficult to try and not cry and workout at the same time… its not easy. Basically this was the main part of the beginning of a melt down mentally for me that has last the last few days of the week.

Cardio

30m – Elliptical Crossramp, Glute Trainer, Resistance Level 8

Work Out

Seated Leg Press (super set with calf press)
15 @ 100#
12 @ 110#
9 @ 120#
12 @ 110#
15 @ 100#

Seated Calf Press on Leg Press
15 @ 80#
12 @ 90#
9 @ 100#
12 @ 90#
15 @ 80#

10m – Elliptical, Hills, Level 6

Est. Time: 1 hour
Est. Cal Burn: 763

6-18-09, Thursday

Warm Up

40m – Elliptical, Weight Loss, Level 4

Toning

3 rounds of the following:

12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – right
12 @ 22lb barbell – 16″ step ups with kick back, single leg – left
30 sec – wall sits
10 – reverse crunches
5 – floor wipers
10 – bridges with 30 sec isometric hold in position
10 – bridge with leg lift, right leg
10 – bridge with leg lift, left leg

wanted to keep going but once again, the tears came and I was just tired as hell… so I went home.

Est. Time: 1hr 20m
Est. Cal Burn: 1018

6-19-09, Friday

Rest Day

6-20-09, Saturday

Forced Rest Day – knee acting up and fathers day dinner with familia… will head back tomorrow.

I Push and I Push…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

…until the person I am pushing finally walks away then I cry and hate myself for a good long while. Then I get up and redo this cycle over and over again. I have been doing it for about half my life now.

I do not know exactly why I do it. I just so. I try not to but I can’t help myself. I have gone to therapy and all they say is stop doing it. We haven’t ever figured out why I do it… and how exactly can I stop.

This is coming from a latest round of heated discussions with a friend of mine, who in my opinion has been closing himself off more and more recently and I frakking hate that. Part of it is my fault for pushing too hard – pushing for him to go away and pushing to hard to keep him near.

I have this problem – I am not an independent woman who can make myself happy. My happiness goes hand in hand with my relationships with other people. In truth, this is one of the reasons why I cut myself off from people. I am fine on my own without  a lot of people in my life but bring someone in that I can care about it and I will smother not just them but myself in the process of trying to change who I am to please them. I will freely admit, I am not good for the people I am close to. I can be clingy and desperate for the approval from people I care about. To the point that I will do anything to please them… this has been a curse my entire life. I do not know why but it has caused me a huge amount of pain since I was a child.

And it has caused me pain in relationships. I will freely admit that the failure of a majority of my relationships was my fault. Stemming mainly from my desire to not have people angry or upset with me and my desire to make them happy and in the process making myself unhappy because I would smother my own personality to try to keep someone happy. This is because I understand that I have a very large personality – a bit overwhelming at times. Too overwhelming and it is hard to keep people around when you do because well, people don’t like it.

This has just been my experience. If I am myself – weird, crazy, insane, loud, obnoxious with over the top “let me be wacko’ personality that can be (when I allow it) an extremely extraverted person… guys don’t want to date you, girls for the most part hate you. See, I learned early on that if you want a person to date you – you have to be docile and not independent and definatly not over the top.

Why do I think this? Well up to the age of 17, I was fine at being myself. Loud and crazy and just wacko… but I got tired of not being able to get dates. See guys didn’t want to date me – there were a few here and there but they weren’t around for a long time. Generally, once they got to know me a bit better they would disappear. Even the good ones. It didn’t help that my best friend for most of this time was the perfect girl that all the guys wanted to date – especially the guys I liked. Which sucked big time. I also had a hard time making friends… according to the rumors at school I was the class slut, even though I didn’t have sex with anyone. This was a rumor started by another “good friend” and unfortunately, no one took the time to get to know me and based their knowledge of me on this rumor. I am sure some of them believe it was truth still to this day… sad I know.

So, I became what people thought I was… because no one gave a shit otherwise… I hated myself for this. I still do. I used to be a strong woman but over the years, the fear of being alone have made me weaker and weaker. I want people to get close but to get them to be close I weaken myself… and then hate both of us for me doing it.

This is not saying I am not a strong woman… I am, I mean hell I have been to hell in back several times over in my life time and lived to tell the tale. But when it comes to relationships, I am so damned desperate for approval I weaken myself and then hate myself for it. I will do anything and everything for someone I care about just to make sure that I do not disappoint them. And in the end disappoint myself because I am not being me in many cases.

I do not know exactly who I am or who I will be one day but I do know I am damned tired of not being myself just to make other people want to be around me. I want to get back to the person I was before… and I will.

So, why do I push – because its a security mechanism. I push people out of my life who have the potential to hurt me. Like putting your hand into the fire… you take it back out because its harmful. I see my relationships with some people as such: I put my hand into the fire then realize that wasn’t a smart thing to do. I am not saying these people are harming me for real… sometimes a walk through fire can be cleansing… symbolically. But I fear the pain that being close to someone can bring me so I push them away and hurt anyways. Stupid? Yep… I hurt myself no matter what but its a hurt I can control. I can be the one to cause the pain, I can control it instead of not controlling the pain that I know someone else will cause. Because in my mind they will cause me pain.

Everything I do, I do it to myself… and I hate myself for it afterwards. I have a lot of self-loathing because I feel like I am going about life all wrong. And not just one or two things wrong but everything. Relationships, working, school, life in general.

Society seems to paint us this picture as how life is suppose to be if you are to successful and happy and like everything else – I do not fit that mold. Life is not a romance novel, people do not fall in love in a few days, weeks or months. Sometimes yes – but not everyone. Its not like the movies where everything fits into place and we all walk into the sunset with everything in place. Its not like tv where the crimes are always solved, justice served and problems fixed in twenty four minutes (30 if you add in the commercials).

Here is what I am going to say I know about me: I am worth caring about and loving… but I am a challenge for anyone who wants to take it up. I will scratch and fight, hug and kiss, hate and love all in a single breathe. If someone wants to love me – they will but it will be hard for awhile on both of us because I am full of fear that I am trying to learn to live and deal with. I am afraid that there is no one out there who will want to take up this challenge of loving me. I am hard to love – even my parents will admit that – but only because I have up a ton of walls and I am scared to let people in. And I am crazy… but that is another story.

The thing is… I have in the past not pushed but when I know a seperation will be coming, instead of enjoying every moment with that person I unknowning start to push… because I am upset they will hurt me. I have no desire to stop it because I want the people I care about to be happy and if that means them going some place else, then so be it. But I don’t have to be happy about it. In fact, it hurts having a friendship with someone I care about and knowning it will end in a few months time and that the friendship will most likely end for good, and that hurts. Because I can not control it… and I don’t want to but at the same time? You get the general idea.

So, yesturday sucked big time and I screwed up a friendship. If it is a permenant screw up – I don’t know but I feel weird and akward. I just want to run and hide from it. To not acknowledge how I keep messing up something good in my life.

The Cusp of Drama and Criticism

/ Varza / 16 Comments

I posted a few weeks back about finding out that I was borning during a strange and difficult week. In a book, it basically said I was almost impossible to love because of my personality and I guess, curse, of being born at this time. I had posted some information – but that was not the exact article I read. The one I read came from a book called “The Secret Language of Relationships” – the other one was a composite from another source. Here is what I read – I will basically break it down with some of my own comments and thoughts. Does this apply to me? And if so… why type of crap… so here we go:

Libra-Scorpio Cusp
The Cusp of Drama and Criticism
October 19 – 25

Strengths: sensuous, charismatic, artistic
Weaknesses: Overcritical, Addictive, Rigid

The Libra-Scorpio cusp is an admixture of the seventh sign of the zodiac, libra, and the eight sign, Scorpio, where the airy, social, theatrical libra nature confronts the more serious, deeply feeling and critical nature of Scorpio. This cusp can be likened to the period of around 49-years of age in the human life and comes in the middle of fall in the northern hemisphere. In human development, at the age of 49, the midlife period is ending and middle age is approaching. This is a period of that can be characterized by the themes of Drama and Criticism. A heightened sense of the drama of life, both in a philosophical and personal sense, leads to an increased awareness of the dynamics of one’s own existnace, past and present; a highly critical attitude emerges that cuts away careless generalizations and sloppy thinking, and aims for the essence of truth. Such an attitude can lead to profound changes in personal relationships, how leisues time is spent and in general to a reevalutaion of one’s place in the world.

Basically this is a restatement of what was mentioned in the last blog I wrote about this… the words “aims for the essence of truth” does speak a bit to me. I mean, hell, isn’t that what a majority of my blogs are. Me cutting away the crap to get to the truth of who I am and what I am? So, is this dead on… in a sense it is. At least I think so. Unfortunatly, the highly critical part is very true as well. I am harder on myself then anyone else can be. It annoys the hell out of some of the people in my life because when I make a simple mistake – I don’t just accept it and move on. I basically flog myself for it. I hold on to it and beat myself up emotionally for something that isn’t that big of a deal. I see myself as weak or stupid or not good enough because I am not perfect. Is the same sense of critical that the writers were thinking though… Personally I don’t think so. I do think they are talking about critical sense as someone who can pinpoint a wrong and pushes towards the truth for it. I can do that… sometimes… but I don’t know. I can pinpoint and aim for the bullshit that other people like to throw around…

Big personalities, those born on the Libra-Scorpio cusp may prove too much for anyone to handle.

Okay, breaking in again pretty quickly… yes, I have a big personality. A HUGE personality… and it is a bit much for anyone, even family, to handle at times. I have always said I was an overflowing glass of milk in the resturant of life. A bit too much of everything… And it has driven many people away from me. I have tried to calm myself down or reduce my personality to hide it… but it doesn’t like to be hidden.

Their influence can not only dominate their immediate circle but go far beyond it; that influence is surely personal, for these are charismatic individuals, but also often intellectual, since their ideas are well thought out and highly developed. Libra-Scorpios usually have something to say on almost any subject.

I have something to say on EVERY subject… not almost any… EVERY! I don’t mean to… I just know alot useless crap. I am not a know it all… I just know a lot… as for my influence. I am not a good influence on people. And if I am, I am unaware of any impact I have ever made on a single soul.

Their penchant for preaching from the pulpit makes them well suited to be teachers, whether professionally or informally, and their students usually come to depend heavily on them for guidance.

I don’t preach from a pulpit… I have a milk crate that I use on the corner and scream at people… okay, I don’t really. I just thought it was funny damnit!

Those born on this cusp meld the airy (mental) nature of Libra and the watery (emotional) characteristics of Scorpio – not always an easy take. These two aspects of their personality are often at war, with the head guiding and the heart denying, or viceversa. Libra-Scorpios can get into a real mess with themselves when their intellectual and emotional natures clash. Periods of Libra indecision may be broken by outbursts of Scorpio agression, and self assured Scorpio determination and control may be undermined by Libra procratination and love of repose. The tensions and disappointments of life can at times prove too much for them, such that they retreat into isolation.

I have often joked about my heritage being scottish-irish-english-french-german meaning that I am always in a battle with myself over everything. Unfortunatly, there was an aspect of that, that was true… I battle with myself constantly. I regret constantly and I fear that my indecisions in life have given something I never wanted because I was afraid to make the wrong choice so instead I made none. I do cut myself off from the world alot. Even people. I can not tell you how many times I have told people I care about deeply that I need to go away because of the tension and disappointments that I have with myself. I think the people in my life who have seen this may agree with this statement.

Thus Libra-Scorpios benefit from physical exercise, fitness training, sound diets and all activies that promote healthy contact with the world, and relationships and activities that lessen their tendency to isolate themselves from the world or will prove beneficial to them.

damn it… my mom was right!

The mental orientation of those born on the Cusp of Drama and Criticism appears in their perceptiveness and sharp insightfulness. The twin dangers here are a sense of personal infallibility and a tendency to be overcritical; the disapproving or denigrating attitudes of Libra-Scorpios can hurt those close to them, undermining their confidence in subtle ways. The intimates of Libra-Scorpios may have to fight back against such negative expectations and predictions, not just to protect but to liberate themselves. Those born on this cusp should seriously think about the project of learning to back off, and of not only keeping their opinions to themselves but in many cares letting go of them completely.

So… not only am I too much for anyone to handle… the book advises that people need to learn to liberate themselves from me because I am harmful to them… maybe there is a reason we isolate ourselves. Maybe its for the best of the world we are in contact with? Obviously, we are bad for people…shit! Can they say anything good about this week?

Those born on this cusp have a decidedly modern approach in most areas, but also shelter an undeniable sense of tradition. This is particularly clean in their devotion to parents and children, in whose lives they play a large role – sometimes too large.

There is that word “too” again… too much, too large…

Not that Libra-Scorpios too eaily accept their parents values – far from it. Their attachment is mor emotional. After a stormy and rebellious adolescence, those born on this cusp often return to an extremely close relationship with their parents in later life.

Okay, this is pretty dead on… not that I was a bad kid. Okay, out of the two kids in our family… I was the black sheep. My brother was the perfect one who never got in trouble. I was the one who came home with F’s on my report card and was proud of it. Skipped school some… I did become close with the attendence lady at my high school. Knew her better then any of my teachers…. but I don’t think I was a rebellious kid… hum?

As responsible as many Libra-Scorpios seem in many areas of everyday life, they have an undeniably wild, unpredictable side. Dramatic and impulsive, they will unhesitatingly fly in the face of societys moral codes to assert their values or express themselves, which they can do both cogently and flamboyantly.

I don’t think I am a dramatic person… okay fine! I am… I am insane, at least according to my exes. I don’t really fly in the face of societys moral codes… not really. I just believe what I believe and I don’t care if you don’t agree with me – cause your wrong. Impulsive… eh? I don’t know. I would have to find out from other people. I like plans things out but hum… ?

Even the mildest of those born on this cusp have an exhibitionistic side, and want and need others to take notice of them.

ummmm… yeah I can see this. I like people to see me and notice me for the goddess that I am. Hello! How can they not?! But at the same time, it scares the crap out of me because sometimes that attention and notice is unwanted and creepy .

The private lives of Libra-Scorpios may include many love affairs, charting a path strewn with the broken hearts of those who have had relationships with them. Their particular brand of charimsa, impulsiveness and mental power makes them formidable and sometimes even dangerous individuals to be involved with.

I don’t think I have broken many hearts. If anything, most guys seems to run as fast as they can from me or just treat me like shit… but once again, I am a bad person to be involved with. Like I need more negatives. Now I am dangerous?! Please! Just because I like to drive down dark deserted roads in the middle of the night without the lights on in my car does not mean I am dangerous… But once again I would have to put this to the people who know me best. Heather!!! Am I dangerous and charismatic? And did I break any hearts… ? I didn’t think so…

Sensuousness and passion are important themes in the lives of those born on this cusp. In their relationships with others, however, they may exhibit a split between these two areas, treating sexuality quite differently from sensuality, and basing relationships squarely on either one or the other, and only rarely on both.

Yes… that is all I have to say on this subject.

Libra-Scorpios express their sensuousness in their love of the beautiful and tasteful objects with which they surround themselves, or in an appreciation of art, music and literature.

Dead on! Very very very very very very dead on… if you know me at all… you know this is true.

Those romantically involved with Libra-Scorpios must beware of the addictive tendencies in such relationships. Unduly deep attachments that go beyond usual or even healthy limits may result in debilitating dependencies or painful partings and breakups, even in symptoms resembling drug withdrawl.

See, I’m like a drug… bad for you! I don’t see this part at all…unless someone stealing my car is addicitive. Maybe its the tendency I had for dating addicts? I mean, I attracted them alot… does this mean I was just another drug?

The most successful type of Libra-Scorpio personality is able to structure relationships so that both parties have their own space and retain their identities; less successful individuals born on this cusp ma be fated to experiences a painful string of failed relationships.

Now, this I see… I am an unsuccessful Libra-Scorpio Cusp baby…

A combination of deeply love and friendship in a marriage with a libra-scorpio is possible, however,

I love the “however” don’t you!

and such a bond will overcome almost any difficulties that may arise.

With children, whether thier own or those of other family members or friends, Libra-Scorpio take seriously the role of responsible adult guide, but can lose their objectivity and wind up getting too emotionally involved.

I am starting to hate the word “too”… and yes, I do take the role seriously but have learned to keep my emotional distance. I learned that lesson the hard way with an ex.

Those born on this cusp must learn to be respectful of children, students and other young people, and to realize how damaging their feels and desires, and perhaps their unrealistic expectations, may prove.

So, basically… no one let your children near me because I may hurt them emotionally and everyone else should stay away too because I am harmful to anyone in my life. Thanks… now I feel great!

Advice: try to relax and have fun. Learn to be less picky (I am not picky! I just know what I like damnit!) Do not cut yourself off from the unusal experiences but maintain your poise and balance. Continue to battle with life and resist escapism or the throes of self-pity. Leave the past behind and embrace the future. Cynicism and sarcasm are point to you. (without sarcasm… what do I have? nothing! it is my life blood, I can not exist without it!)

Libra-Scorpio Cusp Notables:

Sarah Bernhardt, Evander Holyfield, Pablo Picasso, Peter Tosh, Catherine Deneuve, Robert Rauschenberg, Annette Funicello, Pele, Johnny Carson, Weird Al Yankovic,  Helen Reddy, Dizzy Gillespie, Ursula Le Guin, Carrie Fisher (sweet Princess Leia!), Benjamin Netanyahu, Jelly Roll Morton, Arthur Rumbaud, Bobby Seale and Mickey Mantle.

Copyright @Secret Language of Relationships by Gary Goldschneider & Joost Elffers.
1997.  Penguin Studios, New York, NY. Pages 132 – 135