I mean, I don’t know if my sense of self is really warped or what but I mean I can look in the mirror one day and see absolutely nothing wrong with myself. I mean, I do think I am pretty… damned pretty at times, even sexy. Hell, I am a fat girl who has a strut when I walk. Especially depending on the music I listen to. Its amazing how sexy certain songs can make you feel. I mean like I am sexy and too good for you being spoken by your body when you move. Its kinda sad, I with I had that confidence when it came to speaking to a man… if I can feel sexy while working out to the right song with looking a complete and utter mess and sweating my ass off.
Why can’t I feel that way when I am standing in front of a cute boy or see one I want to talk to? Maybe I can get in implant in my brain that when I need to I can cue up “Bad to the Bone” or some other song that makes me go – hey baby! hubba hubba… and get this smirk on my face that makes someone think I know more then I really do (which is what I have been told it looks like once a long time ago).
But then there are other times when I look in the mirror and want to hide from myself. I think about the way I look and think I am just deformed with lips too poofy and cheeks to chubby. Too much hair, big pores… etc. Stupid eczema… and I just want to cry.
Why I have these switches I haven’t a clue. I am guessing its probably the norm? Do others do this? I sure the hell hope so… be kinda lonely if I was the only other person in the world who felt this way.
So… I guess here is the point where I say some good things about myself, so I don’t keep going on about how crazy I think I am.
I think I have a beautiful smile… I like my mouth. Is that weird? It seems at times a little small but there is something about my smile I like. And even though my teeth are not perfect, I think they are pretty nice. I like the little bit that they over grow each other on the top center teeth. I mean, I had braces once but I didn’t ever wear my retainer like I was suppose to. I consider my teeth have that imperfectly perfect look to them? Good thing I’m not a model or actress… my agent would probably make me get it all fixed. But in truth, there is one ex in my past who gave me a great complement – and I wished I would think of it more often when I start thinking my mouth is too small… he told me my lips made him want to kiss me. I mean – I don’t have Angelina Jolie lips but who does. Mine aren’t even close but they fit me. And I love them.
Then there are my eyes. Your eyes don’t change over the years. They pretty much stay the same shape and colour (even if they vary by shades from time to time) from the time you come into your eye colour until your old age. But I think my eyes are pretty and I don’t know… expressive? I even like it when they get creepy. I have this photo taken at one of the period in time places that used to be (or may still be) in Underground Atlanta and it was the middle of the summer so I was just a tad tan but when we got the photo I looked like a freak! My skin was so dark in the photo that my eyes looked scary as shit! It makes me giggle even today – 14 years later – when I think about it.
I think I have a good sense of humor. I mean, not when its directed towards me – I don’t like being laughed at. It hurts… a lot. More then anything else sometimes and I can’t explain why. But I love to laugh and I find the strangest things funny even when other people don’t. Maybe some… but I will say its fun getting weird looks at the movie theater because you cracked up when Tom Cruise danced with a corpse on the big screen. I mean, I may not find some blatant things funny and my humor may be pretty damned dark sometimes. But I learned a long time ago to laugh at myself (just not when I am the butt of a joke) but like when I fall and hurt myself. Something my mom and I have passed on to my nephew. I mean, its funny when you are tied to a bungee cord and stretch it to the max and decide to see if you can keep up with it… and learning to fly!
I do at times think I am smart. Not at everything and all the time but in general I am a pretty damned smart person. I like to learn new things and love to research random fancies. I even had a test to prove it – IQ 127. I think one of the hardest things was having someone I consider get upset that my IQ was higher then theirs because they didn’t think I should have such a high IQ with having learning disabilities – because I was suppose to be stupid. Not above average. I took it once and scored average when I was drunk and it was the middle of the night. I can do stupid things but I think just in general I am intelligent but I don’t normally shove it in someones face that I am better then them. I mean my brothers is higher then mine – he is in the genius level I believe. But too often I feel like the stupidest person on the planet. And I know I am not, I just struggle with LD’s that make it harder for me.
So… there I go. Four things I love or at least like about myself. Took me a day or so but I got something. 😀