Please note – this is a highly emotional, very personal post. I would appreciate if any comments you want to make challenging me on the following issues be kept to yourself. Especially if I do not know you in real life. This is me working thru something… and me putting it out there to air out the cobwebs so I can heal.
The other night on my way home from the gym, I stopped by a friends house to pick up a copy of Spiderman 3 and started talking his roommate, another friend of mine. Lets call him “Gracious One” during this blog to protect his identity.I wasn’t expecting to stay for more then a few moments but he said a simple yet direct comment – I don’t understand why you sell yourself short. This then led into about a 3 hour conversation on many different topics, many times leading back to why I have a lack of self worth. In truth, I knew I had moments where my feelings would be down and I would feel I wasn’t good enough but as the “Gracious One” kept talking to me a bit more I started to realize… I really don’t have much if any self-worth. And why? Why do I feel so often I am worth anything or I am just not good enough. Yes, I have stated before – I am worth loving and I do think I am but I don’t think I am worth being loved by anyone good for me. Only someone who isn’t good fod me… just usually makes me feel worse of myself.
I mean having no or low self-worth is nothing new, many women and some men do have this issue. The feeling of worthlessness. That they don’t deserve anything good. We can say, I am worth it but in our true heart of hearts – do we truly believe this? Usually not. And where has this idea of being worth something come from. Can’t we just be happy with who we are and why can’t we just fix it. I wish it was as easy as just fixing it. A lack of self-worth isn’t something that just suddenly happens to you. Its something that has been there usually for a majority of a persons life.
And as we look back in the past – a woman’s true worth in many societies today and days gone by was based on what she could bring to a man. Not emotionally or physcially (other then bearing HIM a male heir because girls weren’t worth anything other then a commodity to marry off to someone who can bring the father more power and less financial strain) but finacially. Hence my title – am I worth more then a single chicken? I sure the hell hope so. I think I am… but does anyone else?
But back to my thoughts on this subject. Why the hell do I have not low self-esteem but low self-worth? And why do I sell myself short? Easy to answer – because its the way I was trained by the people by the people in my life and the people. I felt like I was just never good enough to anyone. In truth, a lot of it isn’t even lack of self-esteem but a frak ton of shame. And that I had to please them instead of making myself happy. I mean why the frak should I feel guilty for saying no to someone? Cause I do… and that leads to all sorts of messed up crap throughout your life.
I am going to talk a bit about why I feel I am just not good enough. (Now, what I say next may seem weird but I do love my brother dearly.) Lets start at home. Now my older brother was – in my opinion – Mr. Perfect. Could do no wrong. Got A’s easily without hardly trying (at least from what I saw), sports were more then natural to him, good looking and everyone wanted to be his friend or his girlfriend. Saver of lives – yes, he actually saved a family from drowning in a lake in their car. Then there was me… I struggled at everything I did. From talking to people to getting semi-passing grades in school. In my mind – I just wasn’t as right as my brother. Nothing broke his stride. And I couldn’t understand how we came from the same parents yet he was so damned good and I was so crappy. Basically I felt like Danny DeVito to Arnold in Twins. And this was always in my mind. Add in the feeling of being a complete and utter idiot because I would have a hard time comprehending written instructions and the more I studied the less I seemed to understand. Then top it with the fact that my brother was the one who gave me the name people teased me with in elementary school… which of course was based on my appreance which helps when you are already a freak. But he did teach me to ride a bike. But in my mind, I felt I had to measure up to him and be like him but I couldn’t. I just wasn’t good enough so I went the opposite direction and tried to stop caring – at least I tried to act like I didn’t. But I still did and do.
I really have no idea how to dig deeper into this and give more information. I have talked about my struggles with dating. So, we won’t go into that right now.
But there were things that happened to me when I was a younger that even though my parents tried to protect me, they couldn’t protect me from. Things that helped me realize I was and still to this day feel broken and worthless. I mean its not their fault that my afterschool caregiver whipped me with a belt for waking a baby that was sleeping downstairs because supposibly I was banging on the attic floor above the room, even though I didn’t do it. No trial there – I was accused and punished. I was the worthless little liar. They couldn’t stop my 6th grade teacher from calling me a “stupid girl” in front of the entire class. They couldn’t stop my body from losing my hearing which created a speech impediment and slight stutter when I was just starting school. Couldn’t stop the perverts or my so-called friends. Or the boys who thought it was funny to act like they liked me then laugh in my face and tell me it was all a joke. And some other things… I can’t talk about those.
And they couldn’t stop me from me… the desire to be accepted so badly by anyone that I would do almost anything to please them. Even if I had no idea what it would do to me. I didn’t know how to say no. I still struggle with that one to this day… the guilt of not making everyone around me happy and saying no. Why I have that guilt, I haven’t a clue. I don’t know of any particular point in my life started me thinking that saying no was wrong.
Making myself happy was less important then making others happy… because in my mind I didn’t matter. And what I experienced told me that.
Its amazing how young that started for me. So young that I really don’t think I ever had a chance to really love myself and accept me for me. So, after 20 some odd years of hiding myself from pain and the ability to love me… how do I change that? Maybe this is the change that I talked about in the last post? Because it seems that lately I have been having a lot of breakdowns due to the I am not good enough attitude. This sure the hell seems more of an important change then making myself more girlie so boys will like me. Or going back to the old me that drank and smoked and a number of other things to numb me from the pain and hatred I felt inside. I am not sure anyone saw that inside of me. I think I hid it well… but the sad thing was, the more i did those things. The more I hated myself and disappeared. I was an emotional wreak.
One of the topics that “Gracious One” and I covered was relationships. And he talked about that there are patterns in all our relationships that we don’t even notice. Is there a pattern for my relationships. Yeah… and it has stemmed over to friendships as well. I have written in the past the guys I have dated ending up with girls the opposite of me. What I didn’t mention was that most of those girls came into their lives when we were still dating. Not all, just some or most. I mean imagine going out of town to visit friends and finding out that your boyfriend was screwing his ex-girlfriend in the week you were gone. But the one common denominator – I dated mostly guys who saw me as an object, a thing. Not a real person. At least I think this is how they saw me. But in many ways they were just wrong. They were the bad boys. The only thing I can pinpoint is that most of them treated me like crap and I let them. I would accept the shit (well, everything but the cheating) they threw my way and just smile. Why? In my opinion, I didn’t deserve any better. If a guy stood me up and wanted to go out again. I would say okay. I never felt I was good enough for any man in my life… Not that I am saying I was perfect. I wasn’t the best person on the field. I called in each of my relationships and always looked for the quick way out of them even if I didn’t want to leave the person. I always had a reason. Cause I didn’t deserve to be happy.
So… I should of asked “Gracious One” how do you fix or start having self-worth. And quite selling yourself short? Cause I don’t have a clue. Do I start with listing the things good about myself? Should be easy… its a very very short list. I mean looking at yourself and saying – this is good about me is easier said then done. Then lets see… what is a positive trait of mine?
…………… I’m tall so I can see over short people?….. ………….I am more senstive then people realize but I don’t think that is a good thing…………………………………………………………………………………….. …………………… …………. I think I will have to come back to this later.