So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…

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in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?

Post Birthday Thoughts

So…. I am now offically 33 and have been for 5 days now. How has it been? Not the greatest, but I will live. I hope. I spent most of my weekend looking back at the last few years and realizing, I’m not happy with much in my life at the moment. In fact, I feel that part of the past few years was a mistake. I love the friends I have made – the real friends – and realized… I am not the person I want to be.

For most of my life I figured I would be married and have at least one kid by the time I was 33… I am now 33 and no closer to ever having that in my life. I know I rag on it but its a big disappointment for me. I have always wanted to get married, have a small beautiful wedding and have a family with children. Not living alone in a house and can’t even get a date.

And I also realized that with the life I am living at the moment, I am no closer to meeting the man I want to marry then I was because I am not meeting the right people. Okay maybe there are one or two of them out there that I wouldn’t mind mating with but they see me as a friend. An untouchable… Actually, with the way things are going if I ever do get married my entire wedding party will end up being mostly male.

So, what to do… well, this next year is going to be another year of growth. I wanted that last year and as the procrastinator that I am – I pushed it back and back until about a month ago I started really working at it. I mean I did a little here, a little there but no concentration on it. I like to distract myself from reality more often then not.

I talked this over a little bit with my trainer last night and my best friend over the weekend. Its time for a change… a big change. Be it I sell my female tusken and quit the Rebel Legion and the 501st or just sell it and put that money towards a different costume. I don’t know. In truth, maybe just give up costuming all together. I mean, I enjoy it and all but it takes a lot of money to do a good costume as well as time. Both of which are not something I have a ton of at the moment. And I need that money to pay my bills and the time to get into shape.

In truth, I look at my halloween costume – I decided a month ago what I was going to do… the vampire costume and I am barely to the point where I can say I am done. I got my hat mostly done last night and it looks frigging sweet but my coat is just barely cut out of the fabric and its going to take forever to do but I would rather go to the gym then work on the costume. I love going to the gym… I can get away from everything and just focus on that. Its nice… and there are some damned cute guys to look at. Even if they are too young for me and I know I won’t ever have the courage to talk to them. I like looking at them. Just waiting for the day when I can shake my bum and they actually take notice.

But back on topic – what does costuming really give me? At the moment not much beyond a headache of trying to get things done on time and spending money I don’t have. And for some reason the costumes just never come out right. Something is always wrong with it. I wore my Slytherin Student costume this past weekend and it just seemed wrong. I wasn’t comfortable in it. Maybe its not something to give up completely just not something to think about over the next several months.

Back to my birthday – the changes I want to make over the next year. Lets just put them out there and see what happens. I don’t really make New Years Resolutions, I make birthday ones. Because its my year to try to change or make myself a better human being.

My weight – I want it down. I really want to be 100# less then where I started a few months back. If that means mentioning it here I will. I want to weigh between 165 – 145lbs. Hopefully by mid-summer. Dress size, don’t really care because I could be a 6 or I could be a 12. I haven’t a clue. Not like there is a guide book that says – if you are this weight you must wear this dress size.

Writing – I am working on a story… a few actually. And I want to try to get most of it, if not all completed by my 34th birthday next year. But its time to quite procrastinating and just get it done. I have always had stories, just not the courage to go thru with it. I mean, what if I got rejected? You would think after my dating life I would be used to it. But I always let fear stand in my way of going thru with this one thing I always wanted to do. This thing I kept hidden from so many people – bet my friends in high school didn’t know I wrote shorts. Poetry yes, short stories. Nope…

Travel – I want to take some money and time to travel around New Mexico and log about it. I have lived in many states but often never take the time to really see it. I want to see New Mexico. Go to small out there areas and spend a night or two. Just drive and see what happens. Be it on my own or with someone else – I just want to see as much of it as possible. I mean its a beautiful state. All it would take is some gas and money for a hotel. About as much money as it would take me to go out with friends over the weekend.

Dating – I will see what I can do to make myself seem avaible. And if all I do is end up with friends. Then I end up with friends. That would be par for course but who knows. Maybe something will change. I mean, I have had crushes this year and have gotten some pretty good friends out of them. The friendship of one confirmed last night. At least I can go to the movies with someone and out to dinner. But no online dating. I don’t want to deal with that. If I don’t have the time to do other things, dealing with online dating will just not be something I have time for either. But I would like to start at least dating again… now to just find someone who wants to date me. So my main goal – at least 1 offical date this year. A kiss would be nice to.

Reading – for awhile there I was following the course I wanted with my reading. But I got off track. I want to get back onto the every other one – fiction, non-fiction, fiction. Thats about it… nothing fancy

School – I am due to go back to school at the beginning of the year. I want to go back and while I am going on a tract I am not 100% happy about… its probably for the best? I can only hope. Now I just need money to pay for it all.

Thats about it… too much and maybe not enough. But there is potential there and I just want to see it thru.

Also, I think Peach yogurt is nasty as heck! Ewwww grossy!