So…. its ‘nother year, you say?

my niew NYE 2008/09

my niew NYE 2008/09

Well, I made it thru the New Year but not without a few tears shed. That happens when you drink too much and get a few blows to your self-esteem and let your emotions rule you too much. But I got thru it and I cried in private on the phone with a friend. Not in public at the casino where I walked around with my vodka collins contemplating whether I should get a few more just to sleep it all away. I did attempt to flirt – key word attempt. I suck at it apparently especially when the guys in question just gave me a look over then walked away without even a verbal hello. But then again, why go for me with my baggy jeans and pleasantly plump features when there are 27 million Pamela Lee Anderson wanna-Be’s cavorting around the casino.

And while I am willing to dress myself up and dye my hair a crazy red, get it cut (yes I got it cut!), wear make up (but not too much) I don’t think I want to look like Pamela Anderson. Not that she isn’t pretty, I just think she is prettier without the 20 tons of make up and the skin tight clothing on. Seriously, watch that video she made with Tommy and she isn’t wearing a stitch of make up and looks beautiful. But enough of her, lets get back to me! I am much more exciting… and I keep my clothes on in public. And yes, that is a GOOD THING!

I made it the thru the new year with a smile on my face – or at least a shadow of one. With lots of thoughts on my mind and booze in my belly. But in truth, I was feeling good about myself. While I am still in way, lonely I am not overly lonely. I am not going to run out and jump into a relationship but I think my brothers positive attitude that 2009 is my year for love is sinking in. It helps that I have another person in my life who is kinda saying the same thing. I think this will be the year. Something is going to happen this year…

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in truth, the hard thing is that I want to be married on Halloween and this year its on a Saturday – I don’t see that happening but I think I will live. I do feel that the right person may already be in my life – I just don’t realize it yet. Part of me does. But I don’t wa

nt to ignore the fact that alot what I feel is going to happen, doesn’t always happen. That my daydreams rarely come true. The biggest but though is whether or not that person in my life wants me the same way. There is something inside of me that feels less turmoiled and more calm in recent times. That something that feels like it is missing, still isn’t there but its less crazy inside of me. While I know you can’t tell that by my insanely emotional posts, it is the truth. And its time to speak it… my life is crazy, I am crazy and my emotions are crazy. I need a balance to that. And I think its coming into my life.

I am 33, focusing on me for the first time in ages and finding happiness there within myself. While there are times I just want to be held and kissed (I still miss kissing like you miss water when dehydrated) I am not worried. I know it will happen.

My weight loss is still happening, I was able to buy clothing at REI the other day. Right off the rack! No specialized fat ladies store. A regular store and they were fitted and look pretty good on me if I do say so myself. Now I am looking forward to getting home after my trip to the ATL next weekend and finding that cocktail dress I need for my cruise. Because I am now confident that I will find one that will look great on me! Seriously confident…

As for my new years resolutions – you see it above. This is the year of love for me. It will happen. It is no, I am resolving to find love this year. I am know I am going to find love this year. It is my year. No more single-hood for me. And its here, the walls just need to be broken down. I will and am continuing to loose my weight and once I hit under 200 I will be posting a picture of me. It won’t be easy to do but I will do it anyways. that’s pretty much it. I made mine at my birthday. This is just a re-affirmation of them.

But I head home from Vegas in about 18 hours or so… while I am going to miss my familia, I know I will see them in a few days in the ATL and it will be nice to see my kitty, my friends and sleep in my own bed for a few nights.

What are your resolutions? And how was ur New Years?

Warning: Overly Emotional PMS Post!

The warning is real people. I am in an overly emotional state and just need to write it out once again. Its probably repeatative and stupid but hey thats me!

I realized this morning that I was PMS when I spent another morning in the shower with tears rolling down my face and blending in with the shower water for absolutly no reason whatever. In truth, it feels like I have been spending more time with tears in my eyes then not the last few days. Actually pretty much since my birthday. Oh what a year it has been. I try so dang hard to be strong and mighty… nothing can harm the Mighty Mighty Varza and she doesn’t care what ANYONE thinks. Right! And I’m the reincarnation of Leo DiVinci. Can’t you tell by how damned talented I am.

In truth, I am probably one of the weakest people you will meet and I hate it. Absolutly hate it about myself. Emotionally, physcially, mentally. I kinda suck. Big time. I feel like at times I should have a massive sign over my head that says: Warning! Do Not Come In Contact with This Person… they suck and not in a good way.

I just don’t think that a 33 year old woman should be as confused with themselves as I am. I mean I have no damned clue who I am. I am just floating around and going thru the motions of the day feeling as though I am an intrusion on every single person I knows life. And its not anything new. Do you know how hard it is to go thru life feel like the odd one out, that no matter how hard you try to fit the puzzle piece that is you into the puzzle it just never fits? Cause thats how I feel and have felt for a long time. Like that puzzle piece that gets put into the wrong box over and over again. You stand out like a glarring mistake and no one wants you to be there yet you are. And afterwhile you just get tossed in with another puzzle to have the same thing happen over and over. I swear, I am an undercover EMO kid at times… oh wo is me blah blah blah…

But seriously… I feel like the people I am around, don’t want me there. Is that a problem? Yes, I can sense it. I feel it. It makes me want to go run and hide then cry away the shame I feel for even existing. Thats right shame. Because I feel like I am a waste of space sometimes. I want to be worthy of something. To be worthy of anything. I struggle every day with finances to make sure I can do the things I need to do to exist. I went years without buying anything to make me even slightly attractive so that I could put my money towards other things. I mean it didn’t matter what I looked like – no one else cared. I want to better who I am and what I am. To maybe be seen as attractive to anyone… no find a way to break through this crap that I hold onto.

I mean, how do I let go. Someone can you tell me how to let go of this self-doubt, nagging, annoying shit that I keeps me from being someone? I try so hard to let it go and then I start feeling like Sam Jackson in Deep Blue Sea. Ranting and raving against something until it jumps up and eats me for a snack. I want to let go of the pain of the past. No not be sensitive when someone pokes fun of my appearence. Do people not realize that it hurts when they do that? That after all these years I still want to hide in the corner when someone lightly teases me about my massive amounts of hair. I love my hair, I think its one of my best features even though its a pain my ass and my plumbing. It still hurts. Is it because it was the first thing that I had large groups of people tease me about? (Thank you Aaron for that)

I want more days that I look in the mirror to be days I can be proud of instead of days that make me want to cry and hate myself. I want someone to look at me and love me. Maybe thats why I have always wanted to get married. Marriage – you would think – is the ultimate acceptance of a person for everything they are. At least it should be. Why else would you bond yourself to another person? You fit and love one another. Unfortunatly, I don’t think that is the case in the world or ever has been. Marriage is a status for amny people. Or hope that that ultimate acceptance is really there. Until things go wrong… cause they can go horribly horribly wrong.

But for myself its that shame. That shame that others put on me at a young age when I didn’t know any better and just wanted to be accepted. That I carried around for so many years without realizing it… the shame that if anyone knew the true me they would just hate me as much as I hate myself. I wait for the day when the friends I do have leave me, like so many others. Or laugh at me. I really really hate being picked on and laughed at but it seems to have been and always will be a part of my life. Maybe its cause they realize that I am not a person worth taking in as important. That I am just a joke. Because thats what I see… I am a big fat frakking joke that doesn’t deserve much of anything else.

And am I sad? I was asked this the other day… yes, yes I am and very very lonely because I have friends but I don’t really fit in with them. How sad is that? But can someone, anyone, tell me how one learns to love themselves? Cause I would love to be able to one of these days… and have the strength to realize that I am worth something. Because even though someone can say you are… its harder to believe its true. Tell me that and how to let go from the past. Cause thats even harder.

This is what I get for talking about high school over lunch with a friend…