I have this odd problem. When I meet people online and on message boards, I seem to be a pretty open, happy, talkative person and then when I get a chance to meet them in person – I am the complete opposite and seemingly stand-off-ish. And I am. Why? I have no clue. I used to not be. I was a very social person back in the day when I am crazy and weird. Not that I have stopped being crazy and weird… I just only show that to people I know I can trust myself around.
Seriously, I just don’t know how to open up to anyone in person. I feel constantly judged and critiqued by people I meet. So, if you ever meet me in person and I barely say hello – I am not brushing you off. I just don’t know how to act around you or put myself out there. If I am not smiling its because its a defense mechanism to keep people at a distance not because I am an ogre or a bitch. Well, I am a bitch but not to the point where I don’t want to be friends with people.
In truth, there are people I have reached out to at conventions I have gone to only to rebuffed because I am not “cool enough” or they look at me and I guess don’t deem me acceptable in their terms of who their friends should be. I guess. And sadly, these are people I have talked to previously online and gotten along with. People whose work and personality I find intriguing to say the least. Then afterwards, when I try to talk to them – they completely ignore me. I guess whatever… maybe they have the same problem I do but they don’t seem to be that way with others.
I mean, I may not dress the way my personality would want me to for several reasons. The main being that I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I used to not be. Ask anyone who used to know me back in the day when I wore short shorts and crop tops. I would drive around in cut offs and a bikini top. I don’t anymore because well… I am a ton heavier then I used to be. I want to get back there one day. But we will see, I’m working on it. But even buying clothes that supposibly are sexy on bigger women, I don’t want to wear them. I am more comfortable in my ripped jeans and t-shirts then something that pushes my fat rolls into each other and makes me uncomfortable. Comfort is key, I don’t think I could ever wear a corset for this reason – the other being they make me nuaseus when I wear them. Don’t know why but I have the same thing happen if my bra is too tight. I just want to puke and then pass out. I don’t know how women wore them for so many years.
So, basically I am saying – if I meet you and I seem stand-off-ish, please still try and talk to me. It may take awhile for me to open up but in truth, I will. I just can’t talk small very well. I like to talk about something other then the weather. I just hope its worth the effort.