Well, its almost Christmas and my pocketbook is slowly empting of its cash as I continue to buy presents for one and all… the one being myself and the all being the rest of my family! lol. In all seriousness, its been a hectic few weeks. The store at work is getting ready to shut down and I am working as hard as I can to stay on my diet, not freak out over expenses, getting sad over being gone for two weeks and not being able to train, and more.
But I am really looking forward to seeing my nephew and hanging out with him for two weeks. Celebrating Christmas with a kid is really exciting and fun. Especially now that he is getting older and understanding more about the fun of Christmas. I actually got a text from him this morning asking me if I was going to be there for his birthday (which is on the 1st of January) and got to text back and forth with him for awhile. Yeah, I know – he is four years old, going on five, and knows how to text. I barely knew how to write and he is holding his own on a text convo with a 33 year old! Plus being told I love you by the most important person in your life 5 times in a row feels really damned nice.
As for the rest of it… I think I have offically gotten old again when I realized, there is nothing I really want for Christmas. Oh, I’m sure one of my friends would say that I want to know what he kisses like for Christmas and that would be partially true – but I think he thinks that I always want to know what he kisses like and I don’t, sometimes I think about pizza.
In truth, there really isn’t anything I am like – I HAVE TO HAVE THAT! I figure if the people in my life want to get me something, they know me well enough to know what I want and like. Hell, I have a list on amazon.com, actually I have several lists. But that doesn’t always mean anything. Those are just things. I can buy myself things, but there are things I want I really can’t get from someone. I mean – I want to have things happen in my life and changes I want that I can’t get from anyone really. At least no one in my life would be willing to give me.
Can I say something… I had a really interesting evening last night. I said something a few nights ago that was really stupid and of course, I beat myself up about it and the person I said it to was like whatever, blah blah think whatever you want I don’t care blah blah. But I wonder – why am I so hard on myself all the time? I know it frustrates the hell out of my friends. Who I don’t understand why they think I am good for anything at all…
I mean I know I suck to the extreme most of the time and a good amount of time I don’t even think I am worth enough to even continue to exist (these are pleasent thoughts right before Christmas, aren’t they?) but why am I so hard on myself? And why do I think so little of myself? I mean I have done crap things over the years and I realized last night – I have never forgiven myself for a majority of them. I think a part of me thinks that if I forgive myself, I would have to truely truely face myself and think I am worth something… and in truth that can be damned scary as hell to think is true.
Isn’t that stupid? That I am scared to think I am worth something? There are times I like myself but most of the time I just don’t think I deserve anything good in my life. But how long can I go on punishing myself? If I keep doing it, I don’t think anyone would ever be able to love me for me. Because if you can’t love yourself… why would anyone want to take the time to love you?
So, maybe for Christmas this year, I need to give myself the one thing I need more then anything else in the world. To be able to forgive myself. But am I good enough for that? I feel like I need someone to hold me and say, yes its okay to forgive yourself. That no matter what, you are forgiven and its okay to leave it behind and see yourself in a good light. I should be able to do that on my own but I can’t seem to be able to. And I want to…
Should I be able to stand in the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself, I’m sorry and say I forgive you? Maybe…
What are your wishes for the holidays?