Following Your Dreams…


Can Be Hard When You Start Doing It…

I haven’t been posting a lot in the past few months, or at all, because my life has been a bit hectic. My last semester at school was one of the worst I have had since graduating high school. All those doubts, worries, and stresses associated with my LDs (learning disabilities) seemed to rear their ugly head. It didn’t help that my health has also taken a dive. In the past few weeks we have a received a confirmation of Sleep Apnea from the doctor and next week I get to go in for my face mask so I get to go to bed looking and sounding a lot like Darth Vader. This is my first step to getting my health back in line including getting my weight off because it seems when you don’t go into REM, you don’t produce the hormones to control or produce a natural metabolism. Thankfully, I passed my classes… didn’t die in a car wreck due to falling asleep at the wheel… things are being done to make life better and the support I am receiving from my family has been lifesaving because I had reached the end of my rope with no idea where to turn.

At the time all this is happening, I finally decided its time to really start following my dream. No longer mess around with just writing for fun or for one day but to sit down and actually do it. So here I am, not blogging and spending as much as my very rare free time to try to write and finish a novel by the end of the summer. With everything going on this past semester I didn’t get to finish my other story, which wasn’t working in any way but is still there. I barely had time to write. BUT! At the end of the summer I am attending a Writers Conference where I may have a chance (slim, very very slim) to sit and pitch a book.


I just finished my first edit on the first 10 chapters of my book. I am nervous but I liked what I have read. So often, with my other writings I have gone back and wondered what I was thinking when I typed those words. This time, it feels different. Part of me believes that it is because I am not trying to write something that isn’t me. I have tried many genres and it seems teenage angst is something I can write. Of course, this is probably because I was a total drama queen and experienced a lot of craziness when I was growing up. Seeming to find trouble even when I wasn’t searching for it. I do hope to go back to some of my other pieces and flesh them out when I have time to, heck there are more stories than I can count bouncing around in my head. You just need to focus to get it done.

My blog from here on out will probably be a lot more about my writings, health, weight loss than everyday life. Hopefully, I can remember to post more often. Please note that all my blogs are done in the free-writing format – I don’t worry about editing. Which is probably stupid for a person wanting to be a writer when they grow up but meh!


There isn’t much in life that I am 100% certain of but one of the things I am is that animals speak to our inner spirit and that totems are real. For those that don’t know and want to know – what are totems? They are:

Pronunciation:  \ˈtō-təm\ , Function: noun , Etymology: Ojibwa oto·te·man his totem , Date: circa 1776
1 a: an object (as an animal or plant) serving as the emblem of a family or clan and often as a reminder of its ancestry ; also : a usually carved or painted representation of such an object b: a family or clan identified by a common totemic object 2: one that serves as an emblem or revered symbol
Or as I define it – an animal spirit guide. One that chooses us during different times of our lives, guides us and tests us. Some of you may understand what I am talking about.

I guess a good question is – why do I firmly believe in totems when I question everything constantly. Well… its easier asked then explained. I just do. I have had experiences that I can not deny and I do firmly believe that everything that exists – exists to teach us and we can learn more about humanity by looking at nature and animals then looking at ourselves. But, I find that many times we find a connection with an animal that speaks to us in some way. I mean how often have you heard someone say – this is my favourite animal. And if you look closely there is a resemblence there between that person and that animal even sometimes in the way the person looks. Heck, I dated a guy that was pure lizard, loved lizards and he kinda looked like one from the arch of his brows to he walked. My aunt loves elephants and has always had a very long near perfect memory…

Now, I do have a permante animal totem but I believe that there are some that come into our lives from time to time as well as animals that we can surround ourselves with to give ourselves more guidance, motivation and sometimes peace. My permante totem is the llama – I found him during a quided meditation. Definatly not the one I wanted. I figured it would be the cow, cause I love cows or a tiger. You know something common and strong. But the llama – it was weird. I knew absolutly nothing about llamas. Read about them once as a kid but BAM! There is was at the end of the meditation… the llama. And the more I learned about the llama the more I realized that it fit me. Heck even my hair is all shaggy like a llama – at least according to a friend of mine who was kind of nuff to point out to me.

Very recently, I have been having encounters with crows. Now I have had them before – mainly when I lived in California and would travel or go camping I would see them everywhere. There was something about the crow over other birds that attracted me and no it wasn’t because of some movie. But just in general. Always thought crows were fun.

I don’t know why they have suddenly started back up again.  In my dreams, the side of the road, in parking lots, in my front yard… everywhere I would turn. There they were. My dreams were the hardest. I know that they were there in the background until about last Wednesday when all the sudden I had a reoccuring event in my dream but always in a completely different setting. I would find an injured crow and when I would go to help it – it would grab onto me and bite me. Not letting go even when people tried to get it off of me.

So, obviously something is or was up that needed to pay attention to. In truth it wasn’t until yesturday when I was at Sky City Acoma when I realized that everywhere I looked there was a crow or crows there and everything finally dawned on me from my dreams to the past few weeks. I don’t know why, I guess I noticed them and everything fell into place. I saw but didn’t see at the same time. I guess its time to look at why is the crow trying to get my attention and why did they suddenly disappear after yesturday?

In basic terms the crow symbolises change, opportunity, magickal energies, strength, alertness. In dreams, they are usually speakers of your unconsious mind. So to add these all together it  makes me think that my unconsious mind is ready for me to put into affect some kind of change in my life. A change that I seem to have been ignoring and pushing away because of my fear. Unless it goes the other way which means alot of grief is coming my way. Which I don’t need in my life right now.

If the crow is speaking to me to let me know I need to make a change in my life. What change is this? The only thing I have talked about changing is no longer hiding myself from the world. I do it and I do it well. I wear my hair back in a bun all the time, baggy clothes, no make up, heavy framed glasses with a big wall up around me that no one can really penetrate. And I do this mostly on a consious level because I don’t want to draw attention to myself. I want to be incognito and not seen as pretty but at the same time, I quietly want to be seen and desired. Kinda of stupid of me… but I never claimed to be the smartest girl on the block.

Is this the change that my mind is telling me to make? That is making me subconsiously not notice crows or to notice them outright? That part of me wants to change so badly that I am attacking myself in my own dreams? Or is there something else I am completely missing?