the right guy?

My mom and I have been having some interesting conversations lately mainly about my non-existent love life. While there are times that she still says I should become a nun there are times we have some deeper discussions about my failures in this particular field (ignoring my many failures in the other fields) and they have been particularly enlightening. In truth, I asked her why she never told me this like 10 – 20 years ago… she said, I wouldn’t of been receptive and my response when in such a state of mind doesn’t make me able to listen very well and usually end up brushing off what people say to me.

It has been a difficult week, heck it has not been an easy few weeks. There are a lot of things that are going on that are forcing me to take a very serious look at myself. Not just look but really see me and not turn away in shame but see the strengths that lie beneath the fears that overwhelm me at times. It defiantly is not a pretty picture but one I have to learn to live with. I may not like myself at times but I do not hate myself. I am proud I have come as far as I have. I could be dead or a stripper or living on the streets – so it could defiantly be a lot worse. Instead I am alive, have a stable job, am going to school and own my own home.  Defiantly, not the girl I was 12 years ago when I was dragged out of Atlanta to San Jose.

Pretty soon, I am coming up to my 1 year anniversary of starting on my workout and diet regiment. In total I have lost around 55lbs and counting. It does not seem like a lot when you look at it but each pound was a struggle. A struggle against my desire to walk away and give up (like I have so often before), the desire to ruin it all by binging every single night while watching tv, the desire to make this not about me but someone or something else. I am very happy with how this year has progressed and who I am becoming. Yes, I still have massive amounts of negatives on my side but the positive aspects are outweighing those more and more. The biggest is becoming my own person and loving myself. I am finally, after 33 years of existance, loving me for me. Even the disappoints that I still have, I know I learn and grow from them. Not let them hold me back anymore.

Back to the conversations I have been having with my mom, we had a semi-deep one this week that unfortunately got cut short due to people coming into work but my mom yanked one of those final nails in my coffin back out when it comes to how I deal with men. I yanked a big one out of a few months ago but that is too private for me to talk about in a blog. She basically pointed out my biggest weakness when it comes to the opposite sex; one she and my dad have noticed over the years and wished I would finally notice it myself… I had started to but it took my mom saying it to realize how blatant it was to the rest of the world.

Hello, my name is Varza, and I am a relationship chameleon. Please do not think, after reading this explanation of what that is, that I am a weak willed or weak person. I am not, I am a strong woman with her own mind – which is probably why I ended so many of my relationships quickly because of my struggles with this. A relationship chameleon is a person who slowly morphs who they are to fit into what they feel the other person wants or what they expect that person wants, instead of showing their true form. Constantly changing from one guy to the next – hiding behind their desires so that no one will truly SEE them. At least this is my explanation for this.

I do, do this. I really fear people seeing me for me and more importantly, seeing me for me and seeing that I am worth loving. I give men, boys, guys what I think they want. I will walk into a relationship an equal partner and then lose myself into their desires and wishes. This goes hand in hand with my troubles with saying no to guys. Its hard but I am learning to say it and stand by it without fearing that they will hate me or be disappointed in me.

Thirty-three years old and I am finally not afraid to show the world who I really am… kinda sad ain’t it?

The title of this blog is called “the right guy?” and I am sure you may be wondering why I am talking all about my and my relationships with men and not “the right guy”. There is a method to my madness, I promise! Part of this chameleon part of my personality is that I have been thinking about wanting to settle down (not that I have a love life at all, single for most of my life because I’d rather not date then lose me again) and trying to see myself with someone but I fear settling on what it is I want. What if I put it out there and I am wrong and I pull the wrong person towards me? What if I meet someone and settle then the real right one comes along? What if I make a mistake? What if I do try and I fail? All those fears that eat away at my mind in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep making me wish that there were a bottle of whiskey in my house and a Cherry Pepsi to chase it with (there isn’t thankfully).

Part of the realizations and the opening up of the coffin that is my soul is letting go of these fears and realizing I do know what I want and I should NOT be afraid to want the best for myself or that I should NOT be afraid that I will make a mistake or fail. I won’t. In truth, I am not scared as I once was… I am still scared at times and I have to fight against it often. Like people seeing me… the losing the weight – I know it means men will look at me again like they used to and I have to realize I am not the scared drunk chick I used to be. I won’t make the mistakes I once made.

So, the right guy? Who is he? Where is he? So many questions and I am sure I have answers in spades for who I think he should be *cough*christian bale*cough* but I do know there are things I desearve:

a man who loves me for me

a man who is not ashamed of me

a man who is not afraid to love me

a man who makes me a priority in their life

a man who wants to be around me

a man cherishes me

a man who can see themselves growing old with me

a man who wants to have children with me

a man who has the same ideals and morals as I do

a man who is athletic and fit

a man who is tall

a man who has a job and can support me if I need to take time off of working

a man who loves to travel

a man who wants to live in different places around the world (I do not want to live in NM forever)

a man who will not treat me as though I am not good enough

a man who will not hurt me

a man…. (I have no idea what else)

I am sure I could go into more detail but I won’t. In truth, this is just the basis of the right guy for me. Is it dumb? Maybe… I don’t know. I mean I am not going to put out there, I want a man with a specific eye colour or hair colour. The athletic and tall is mainly because that is what I am comfortable with. The rest is just dressing… its in my head and not sure if I want to share it just yet. My brother says I may be being too picky. Who knows… but don’t I deserve to be? Maybe I don’t, but I think I do.   😀

(btw – I did figure out my major finally… actually writing the last blog I wrote it in there and realized it was the right thing: English Major, Business Minor… )

The Dark Knight… a Bright Light?

I went last night to see “The Dark Knight” the latest installment in the new Batman series and what can I say? It blew me out of the water for the most part. I was aware of this when I went into the theaters of course. How could it not be?

The following is my review of The Dark Knight, there will be some spoilers – if you do not wish to be spoiled, do not keep reading.

You have Christian Bale – one of the industries secret gems until a few years ago. Who while he may pick some questionable roles to play on the screen, always gives a stellar performance. In truth, I think Steven Speilberg was genius and psychic when he picked this young actor to be the main character in Empire of the Sun. Alone, mysterious and intense from the beginning. Then you add in Heath Ledger, another gem of the industry but not so secret. He rampaged onto the US movie scene with his teen romance flick – 10 Things I Hate About You (one of my fav mind candy movies) and into the hearts of teenage girls in America.

Both of these actors have a precesnce of the screen that is undenable when they are seperated. Bring them together and its a rocky roller coaster you can’t look away from. Especially when they are playing against each other.

“You Complete Me”
While I watched the movie I could not help but realize, the best scenes in the movie were when these two were on the screen together. Fighting one another. Being the two sides of a coin (oh! Maybe there was another reason to bring that 2nd villian into the movie… hum, smart Mr. Nolan very smart). The director was smart that most of the time when they were on the screen together – no one else was present. It was smart because anyone else who happened to be there seemed to lack where the other two shined. I think they brought out the best in each other as much as the Joker and the Batman bring the worst out of each other.

“Question First, Agree Later”
I was kind of doubtful when Ledger was first cast. Could he handle the Joker? The character, as my mom so kindly put it is the opitime of evil and insanity. So, when he was announced I sat down and re watched every Ledger movie I could think of. And they were right. Last night confirmed it. Heath Ledger was the Joker in this movie. Where he was solemn and stoic in Brokeback Mountain – he was the complete opposite as the Joker. You could see the joy in his eyes when the Joker set Gotham on their toes during the film. Not because he was Heath during this time but he was truly the Joker. Or at least he made me believe it and I could not help but shed a few tears that he is gone.

And for me, it was one of the best performances by Ledger to date and if the Oscars will finally recognize the honesty in comic book movies and the acting that is in them… Ledger will once again be nominated for an Oscar for his performance in a film.

“The Toss of a Coin”
I mentioned earlier about Nolan using a second villain to be tied into the epic story of the Joker and Batman. For those versed in the comic book world, its widely known that without the Batman, there is no Joker. And without the Joker, there is no Batman. They are equals on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Just as Lex Luther is as smart as Superman is strong to balance the hero with his nemesis. Thus you have the Joker to the Batman… One wants order and justice, the other the complete opposite. Both seemingly the opposite sides of one coin. And they both consider Gotham their city.

I found it interesting that the extra villan that Nolan thru into the mix is the one Batman villain who stands in the middle of the Joker and Batman. Two Face.. now, I love the character of Two Face, he is one of my favourite villains and I always wondered why and now I understand a little bit more then why. Here is a man who starts out in the Batman saga as the shining beacon of hope for Gotham City. The unmasked man who can bring true justice for its citizens without fear. Only to be turned into what he hates. Constantly at odds with himself. Making his own destiny or chance with a flip of a coin. And with that same coin choosing the fate of those he hates and his enemies. There is something balanced with his character. And he is a wonderful tool in this film.

But what about the actor who portrays him in The Dark Knight? Aaron Eckhart? Does he pull it off? Yes, yes he does. Brilliantly. He plays the dashing, charming DA who has no fear when he faces evil very well. And you can slowly see him breaking down and starting to show his other side as the movie progresses. His trust in those that are on his side but his inability to trust their choices. In short – forget the horrible Tommy Lee Jones portrayal of Two Face. He was a facade of what Two Face truly is… where as Nolan brought out a true insanity to the role that wasn’t cheesy and goofy. But dark and full of rage.

“The Bad?”
Everyone else that is cast in The Dark Knight that plays an important role in Batman’s life were the same as always. Amazing actors whose lifetime and body of work can only show how amazing they really are. Except for Maggie Gyllenhaal. I usually like her work, she is a very talented actress but she has the unfortunate job of working on a film surrounded by some of the top actors in the industry. In ways she shines, in others she doesn’t so much. Remember earlier when I mentioned that having Bale and Ledger on the screen together at the same time diminishes everyone else. This is what I am talking about. Amazing actress but diminished by the abilities of the men on screen with her at times. She was still wonderful in the role of Rachel Dawes. Making you happy they recast it from Katie Holmes.

“The End of the Beginning”
In conclusion this is the movie of the summer. And that is saying something. With all the amazingly well done movies coming out these past few months and more coming up. This is the shining star of the summer. Rising higher then all the other stars and not just because of people’s morbid curiosity on Ledger’s last full movie role. But because this movie has surpassed the first one. You are prepared for the next movie the moment this one ends and you want it to be out as soon as possible to continue on with the saga of one the comic industries greatest heroes and one its greatest villains. But I do not know who they will get to replace the irreplaceable Ledger. All I know is he has HUGE shoes to fill and even then they may not make the grade.

So, get off the computer and go see it again. I’ll see you there just as soon as I can get the kink out of my next from sitting in the front row of the theater (which didn’t ruin the movie in anyway).

Terminator Salvation

They just released a teaser trailer for Terminator Salvation. The next installment of the Terminator Series with John Connor being played by none other then the talented, gorgeous, sexy, talented Christian Bale. I am expecting that I will see this trailer in front of The Dark Knight this weekend but I couldn’t help buy share. I am very excited about the movie especially since most of it is being filmed in New Mexico and I helped sell an item that will be in the film. I hope I get to see it. As well as some other familiar faces. For some more updates on the film you can check out the blog by the director, McG that I have a feed linked to on the side board.

But here you go… listen to and here the #1 man on my list…