I have been attempting to have a positive, light hearted attitude and not let my doubts and worries overcome me. I will say, its damned hard and I wish it burned calories for me because I feelt like I am in an uphill battle. I can be skipping along (metaphorically speaking) and then bam, one little thing and its doubt city.
And then my courage fails. Well, whatever courage I still have. Most of it is hiding in the kitchen pantry and has been for years. I can close my eyes and seee myself going and walking past that cute cop or being all sexy and seductress like but then I open my eyes and just freak out thinking – like hell I will.
So, I push it all back and don’t worry about it since I’m not gonna do it anyways, it doesn’t matter. Right? WRONG! It does… But enough of this crap… I just want to be secure in someones affections outside of the family. And sometimes I just screw things up royally when I let my instincts flow and a dying friendship is completely killed because I can’t keep my mouth shut.
I am going to test myself in the coming days. Go against my fear and see what happens. BTW, any guys reading this – do not decide if something is fair for a girl in words of a relationship. Maybe she knows it and is still willing to give it a go.
As for the rest of my life – I am back in school and I am doing okay. Love the Western Civ class. English is going to kill me I think but my first grade in the class wasn’t bad. It could of been worse, it could of been better but I messed up on the assignment and didn’t have any time left to finish it so I had to turn it in half-assed and hoped for the best. I got a 38 out of 50 points, which is about a 78/C. It was an assessment test to see if I should retake English 101 or what. I got a better grade then the two people sitting next to me who took English 101 last semseter and finished early. I’m gonna take that as a good thing…
Lets see, what else. I am getting ready for my cruise. I leave in about 12 days. It seems like a long time but its not! Especially when you still need to buy your clothes and pack and find time to get waxing done! Yes, I said waxing! Boo! Girls wax! OMG! lol… But seriously, my time is just really rare now a days. I have only one real day off each week and that is Sundays. This Sunday is packed, next Sunday is packed (thank you Steelers!) and then no other days between that. So, I am trying to find the time to make sure I get everything in before I leave… My poor cat is going to hate me when I come back. This will be my 3rd trip in less then two months. But I am sure she will survive. Hopefully, if she doesn’t somone is going to pay. OH! And I need to find time to make myself some easily packed and wearable clothing for the trip. Some simple pants and shirts. Yeah, cause I’m not busy enough?
Not much else is going on. Doing some writing when I can find the time and inspiration. Which isn’t often but it happens. No one has told me I need to get married (outside of my own traitorous brain) in the past few weeks, so that is always good to not have that pressure on me as well.
Thats it for now… toodles!