friendships

Never Ass-u-me…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

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Warning: this is a stream of consciousness post – parts may not make any sense at all to you

Here is the deal… I am 37 years old, overweight, stressed out and I seriously thought for many years: one of the most boring people on the planet. I have yet to graduate college with a Bachelor’s (I received my Associates Degree in Lib Arts about a 1.5 years ago – about the same time my son was born), it took me until I was 35 to get over the delusions of what romance was supposed to be and what I really deserved (to be happy in all ways), I hadn’t lived a life for many would consider normal. I mean hell, my bucket list is still barely put together let alone having much of it checked off. Part of that is due to the fact, now that I look at it, is that I actually have done many things but I have so much I want to do. I flip-flop on whether to have another kid or not, I nag my husband like crazy, I still make wishes and know they probably won’t come true and I have a hard time keeping a blog because who wants to read about my life. I barely do.

Life can often make you feel like you have to have it all at once and that once is when you are super young, barely out of high school and your brain isn’t even fully formed yet to truly appreciate the life you have. This is one of the first things I had to get over when I realized I wanted to find love, real true love and I felt it was too late for me. I was 34 and never had a deep meaningful relationship because I never felt I was worth loving – deep deep issues there. I also lived in the world of what romance is supposed to be by what we are fed thru movies, novels and songs. We often think the idea of the old maid by 25 is gone in todays society but in many ways it isn’t. We are unidated with the idea that we have to have it all by the time we are 30 and if we don’t we are a failure in life. I know I felt that way, in many ways I gave up on life completely because what was the point.

Part of what helped me grow out of this was opening my eyes. In romantic comedies – the best ones star women who are in their late 30s or 40s not their early 20s. In romance novels – its make believe by women who want that romance in their life. And romance isn’t sex and sex isn’t romance. Romance is sitting on the couch in your PJs, haven’t showered that day and cuddling with your honey as you watch Project Runway on your DVR.

But I digress… a big part of this was that I thought I was boring. I mean, I never really feel like anyone wants to go out of their way to be my friend or get to know me. Because of this I have pulled myself out of the social world. Its hard and lonely at times. I appreciate that I am in school because it gives me a chance to meet some amazing people. But I am finding through my conversations with them… I am very far from boring. Knowing that I probably won’t see them again after the end of the semester (except for seeing them on campus from time to time) I don’t hold myself back and I don’t hide myself. Hell, I barely held myself back in the past but now I just don’t care. And I am enjoying myself so much more. Yes, those doubts come back. Yes, I still have a hard time leaving my house to meet up with people or going some place where I may have to talk to someone… I am still working on that because my son needs to go to the park more often and I am sadly on the verge of becoming homebound.

I am not a shy person, I am actually very outgoing, loud, and I used to be wild (I can’t tell stories about that :p). My quietness is out of fear… fear of being rejected by others. I lucked out and married a man who loves me even though he thought I was more together then I am. But he still loves me and seems to enjoy my company at times.

As I continue to grow up, found my major/minor, hold back from hitting people for idiocy because I realize they still have to grow up as well, and live my life. I am seeing more and more life opened up to me. I find that I am not the only person in the history of the world who became or attempted to become a writer in their late 30s or even later. There is a saying that you are never too old to start something new… but why wait until you are almost too old… do it now. Quit the excuses and realize maybe what you have to say is interesting. I am trying – trying to realize that if people really want to get to know me… will and they will love me for who I am and find me fascinating! Hell, my son thinks I am the awesomeness that awesome… I just need to believe that as well.

As for the people who pushed me aside and decided they knew who I am before really getting to know me… their loss. They saw this one dimension instead of putting on the glasses that put me in 3D. And they will miss out when I finally do start dancing in the middle of the hallway at school to that song I am listening to. I already have it choreographed and have been practicing in the parking structure at school. 😀

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4MzF53je5M

As he says at the beginning (FIND A HERO IN YOU!)

To Comic-Con or Not to Comic-Con…

/ Varza / Leave a comment

More specifically San Diego Comic Con. My husband and I recently sat down to talk about trying to make it out to San Diego Comic Con this summer, unfortunately it coincides with some family plans so we couldn’t. Then we talked about trying to make it next year but we are having some doubts. We have both been in the past. I made it the last year that they sold passes at the con for that year. He went the year the Twi-Heads destroyed it. Talking about these events made us wonder if it would really be worth going. I mean it is one of the few conventions we can attend that have some of the artists that do not make it to some of the smaller local conventions. Artists and Writers such as Jim Lee, Geoff Loeb, etc. It is also probably one of the largest gatherings of some of the lesser known artists. Guys who have been in the business for decades but no one stands in line to meet and barely acknowledges. I love meeting these guys, even if I do not know them by name. You can stand there for hours talking to them about their careers, looking at their books and they are always extremely friendly.

But one wonders is San Diego Comic Con really a comic convention anymore? Is it worth really going now for just the comics when it has become just another junket on the Hollywood Press tour for movies? And it’s not just comic movies they show anymore or even really sci-fi/fantasy. Most of them are centered on this but it’s about who can spend the money. I didn’t go and I don’t want to go to run into a famous actor or actress. This is not saying I haven’t met some famous people on the floor… I ran into Joss Whedon, Jim Lee, and more just walking around on the floor. And I loved it but that isn’t why I went.

While there is still a base of comics at the convention it is mainly just a basic con now. It has become a fashionable, hip place to go for your summer vacation. It’s now an item on many bucket lists. And sadly, it is because of this that we may not attempt to go. We want to because we have friends we want to see that will be there but not sure we want to deal with the mass crowds of people lining up to see some hip Hollywood star. This year we are hitting some smaller more local comic conventions in Albuquerque and Denver. As for next year, maybe we will go but we aren’t really sure. I think it depends on who is going and if we really want to hit the crowds. I personally want to go because there is a chance to have a wonderful conversation with a random person or sitting in a panel that others are ignoring and being slapped upside the head with a wonderful conversation that is going on. I don’t want to go to SDCC for the main stream things, I want to hit the Alex Ross table and see about purchasing one of his scratch papers finally. I want to sit in a panel of Garth Morrison as he waxes philosophical about Batman. I want to walk down an aisle and see amazing original artwork. I want to meet a random artist to discuss making comics with. I want to have dinner with friends I rarely get to see. I want to attend the costume contest and cheer for said friends as they conquer the event.

Damn it, I think I just talked us into going…

 

Soooo… its been a few weeks…

/ Varza / 1 Comment

But, I am alive and somewhat well just hella busy with school, work and all that other crap that takes up like called: Darth Real Life. I have also been in kind of a funk. The stress of everything is getting to me and I have no real desire to do anything. Not even to count how the stress is affecting my diet… which is sucking the big one for the past few weeks. I am a stress eater… and I am lacking funds for healthy good foods so I am eating crap I shouldn’t be eating. And probably drinking too many protein shakes then are good for me.

I just want a week away from it all but my funds are so bad lately its really sad. My mortgage also went up and I am desperatly trying to find a way to refinance right now without any luck. I keep being told I have to come up with large down payments… if I had 5 grand in the bank do you really think I would need to refinance? Seriously… And its not my actual mortgage its the frakking property taxes that keep going up each year and upping my monthly payment. Right now I am paying almost 300 bucks a month into my escrow account that my mortgage company pays my taxes, insurance and all that other crap out of.

So, I will be hopefully making some more calls today and see if I can get into that program out there. I don’t regret buying my home. I love my home but I should of taken the 500 dollar loss and bought the townhouse I had been looking at. Smaller and was about 50 grand cheaper.

Just a tip for home buyers – your first year taxes are not permant rates. They will go up several hundred within a year or two. At least here in New Mexico. They didn’t tell me that when I bought my home, imagine my surprise when one month my payment was 800 and the next month 1,000. Not fun at all!

As for my diet and workout – I am stuck at anothe plateau and have been there for over a month now. I know part of it is my diet. part if my decreased cardio and part stress. I am tired of feeling defeated by trying to loose weight and not succeeding. I am still struggling over wanting to quit but I have to wait until when I get paid again but I need to quit “cheating” on my diet and just do it. In last months Oxygen there was an article on loosing 10lbs in a month. I think I am going to jumpstart my system with it starting next week after paying my bills. Its a hardcore diet and I will have to cut back majorily on my workouts so I don’t burn myself out. But with school ending in a few weeks, I think that the time I have to destress from classes before the next round is the best bet.

I need to do something I think and this is the only thing I can think of. Get rid of 10# and then go from there. This will also jumpstart me back onto the healthy regiment and hopefully get me off of the roller coaster of bad crap. And then afterwards I can start on the diet a friend gave me but we will see.

Speaking of school, only a few more weeks left. I have an A in my history class and a high C in my english class. I have a research paper due in both of them on Monday and I have been working on them. But probably not like I should be. Then again, I have always pressured myself to wait until the last minute on most of my papers. Always have… tried to change that and always start out early then meh. Just sit there staring at my moniter for hours on end.

But I just paid for the summer session with school, taking Anatomy & Physiology with a lab. Three days of classes. I was going to add on an algerbra class but decided against it. Its going to be hard enough especially since my nephew is in town again this summer. I will have to take it in the fall… I hate math with all my might. Seriously seriously hate it and wish I didn’t have to take it.

I did finally sign up for finanical aid for next year. Hopefully I will get it so I can have one less stress on my wallet. But I won’t know until the summer, I think. I haven’t heard anything from the school. Just the gov saying its been accepted and the info given to the school. They will let me know if I have been granted a grant. Wish me luck. I really need it. School is just too dang expensive – inexpensive but still. When you are living paycheck to paycheck… anything is alot on your budget.

AS for a major – still nothing. One of my friends said I should be a scholar and do religious/mythological studies. Since I already know a bunch and since I already read things then retell it in my own words – I am already being one. I find it funny… me a scholar? I barely graduated high school. But he thinks I would be really good with it. That I would be excellent at going around giving lectures and whatnot. Personally, I think it would be great but dang that would take me forever! But maybe… I will put it on the list.

I have had no time to even look for romance – incase you were wondering. I am trying to do the whole meet new people but everything costs money to do… and I save that for hanging out with people I already know. And I don’t get to do that often enough. I am starting to notice more and more guys around. Maybe my gym had a run of hot guys sign up at the gym – even though some of them have been around for awhile but I am just now noticing their cuteness since my crush has disappated.

So, I am keeping my eye open and making myself smile more if I see them smile at me, so we will see what happens. But I am pretty sure a guy was checking me out at the grocery store the other day… but hard to say… made eye contact a few times and he smiled. But then again – have had that happen before and it was just a guy being nice.

Okay, I think this is long enough… I will post my workouts from the past few weeks in the next day or so…

Also – I am on twitter… addicted to the damn thing I think: http://twitter.com/varza