Almost Christmas!

Well, its almost Christmas and my pocketbook is slowly empting of its cash as I continue to buy presents for one and all… the one being myself and the all being the rest of my family! lol. In all seriousness, its been a hectic few weeks. The store at work is getting ready to shut down and I am working as hard as I can to stay on my diet, not freak out over expenses, getting sad over being gone for two weeks and not being able to train, and more.

But I am really looking forward to seeing my nephew and hanging out with him for two weeks. Celebrating Christmas with a kid is really exciting and fun. Especially now that he is getting older and understanding more about the fun of Christmas. I actually got a text from him this morning asking me if I was going to be there for his birthday (which is on the 1st of January) and got to text back and forth with him for awhile. Yeah, I know – he is four years old, going on five, and knows how to text. I barely knew how to write and he is holding his own on a text convo with a 33 year old! Plus being told I love you by the most important person in your life 5 times in a row feels really damned nice.

As for the rest of it… I think I have offically gotten old again when I realized, there is nothing I really want for Christmas. Oh, I’m sure one of my friends would say that I want to know what he kisses like for Christmas and that would be partially true – but I think he thinks that I always want to know what he kisses like and I don’t, sometimes I think about pizza.

In truth, there really isn’t anything I am like – I HAVE TO HAVE THAT! I figure if the people in my life want to get me something, they know me well enough to know what I want and like. Hell, I have a list on amazon.com, actually I have several lists. But that doesn’t always mean anything. Those are just things. I can buy myself things, but there are things I want I really can’t get from someone. I mean – I want to have things happen in my life and changes I want that I can’t get from anyone really. At least no one in my life would be willing to give me.

Can I say something… I had a really interesting evening last night. I said something a few nights ago that was really stupid and of course, I beat myself up about it and the person I said it to was like whatever, blah blah think whatever you want I don’t care blah blah. But I wonder – why am I so hard on myself all the time? I know it frustrates the hell out of my friends. Who I don’t understand why they think I am good for anything at all…

I mean I know I suck to the extreme most of the time and a good amount of time I don’t even think I am worth enough to even continue to exist (these are pleasent thoughts right before Christmas, aren’t they?) but why am I so hard on myself? And why do I think so little of myself? I mean I have done crap things over the years and I realized last night – I have never forgiven myself for a majority of them. I think a part of me thinks that if I forgive myself, I would have to truely truely face myself and think I am worth something… and in truth that can be damned scary as hell to think is true.

Isn’t that stupid? That I am scared to think I am worth something? There are times I like myself but most of the time I just don’t think I deserve anything good in my life. But how long can I go on punishing myself? If I keep doing it, I don’t think anyone would ever be able to love me for me. Because if you can’t love yourself… why would anyone want to take the time to love you?

So, maybe for Christmas this year, I need to give myself the one thing I need more then anything else in the world. To be able to forgive myself. But am I good enough for that? I feel like I need someone to hold me and say, yes its okay to forgive yourself. That no matter what, you are forgiven and its okay to leave it behind and see yourself in a good light. I should be able to do that on my own but I can’t seem to be able to. And I want to…

Should I be able to stand in the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself, I’m sorry and say I forgive you? Maybe…

What are your wishes for the holidays?

‘Tis the Season…

Its that time of year again, the time of spending money and excess and giving to those you care about. And I wish I had the money to buy everything I wanted to buy for my loved ones but I don’t. I know where it is going and I wish I could hold onto it all but I just can’t. In truth my money is going mostly to my personal trainer and trying to eat healthier. But nevermind on that, thats not what this post is about…

I have been trying to come up with ideas on gifts for this Christmas that aren’t going to cost me a whole lot and yet have more feelings and emotions behind it. From making something from scratch or buying something that means more then just another object in the house.

Now, this brings me to my nephew – I don’t know what I can really make him. I think a NASCAR pillow which all I need is the fabric, I have the pillow form already so that is one thing down. But as his Godmother and not being an overly religious person, I find that as a guiding force in his life that I want to impress upon him not religious or spiritual values so much as other ideas and thoughts as well as the value of learning. Which he does get from his parents but I can’t think of any other reason why my brother would want me as my nephews Godmother. He could of chosen my mom or someone else. But he chose me for a reason. So each year I make sure that my nephew gets certain items from me – books, educational toys, etc.

And this year I want to step it up a notch. He will be turning 5 on New Years Day and I want to start teaching him about the endangered species of the world and environmentalism. I was around his age when I started to notice the damage we humans do to the world around us and wanted to do something to change it. And I know my brother and sister-in-law are teaching him about recycling et al. So, what can I do? Well, this year his big present is going to be an adoption… a Wildlife Adoption. Now, I just have to figure out which animal and which level to adopt the animal at. Which is definatly not easy. And of course I am worried how he will take it. I mean its not a racecar or some crazy new fangled toy.

I am thinking then, maybe what I can do to make him understand a little more is to adopt an animal for each member of my family. Instead of a ton of little presents like I normally do I will adopt an animal for his mom and dad as well. And for both of my parents. Then I thought about it and it seems to be a good way to go. And not just for bringing more of something special to my nephew but its something that can be done and its not an excess. Its money I am spending to make the world a better place and not just giving things just to give something. So, what other ways can we give a present and have it mean more then just hey I saw this in a store and thought you might like it. Also, it may take a few bucks away or some time but buying something for someone you don’t know is a gift to yourself.

But here is a guide – Holiday Donations. I know I’m not the first person to think of this and I won’t be the last. I have wanted to do it in years past but I always let them buying of gifts outweigh the charity I wanted to do. This year, I can’t and don’t want to. I don’t know, maybe it will make a difference.