Following Your Dreams…

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Can Be Hard When You Start Doing It…

I haven’t been posting a lot in the past few months, or at all, because my life has been a bit hectic. My last semester at school was one of the worst I have had since graduating high school. All those doubts, worries, and stresses associated with my LDs (learning disabilities) seemed to rear their ugly head. It didn’t help that my health has also taken a dive. In the past few weeks we have a received a confirmation of Sleep Apnea from the doctor and next week I get to go in for my face mask so I get to go to bed looking and sounding a lot like Darth Vader. This is my first step to getting my health back in line including getting my weight off because it seems when you don’t go into REM, you don’t produce the hormones to control or produce a natural metabolism. Thankfully, I passed my classes… didn’t die in a car wreck due to falling asleep at the wheel… things are being done to make life better and the support I am receiving from my family has been lifesaving because I had reached the end of my rope with no idea where to turn.

At the time all this is happening, I finally decided its time to really start following my dream. No longer mess around with just writing for fun or for one day but to sit down and actually do it. So here I am, not blogging and spending as much as my very rare free time to try to write and finish a novel by the end of the summer. With everything going on this past semester I didn’t get to finish my other story, which wasn’t working in any way but is still there. I barely had time to write. BUT! At the end of the summer I am attending a Writers Conference where I may have a chance (slim, very very slim) to sit and pitch a book.

FOCUS!!!

I just finished my first edit on the first 10 chapters of my book. I am nervous but I liked what I have read. So often, with my other writings I have gone back and wondered what I was thinking when I typed those words. This time, it feels different. Part of me believes that it is because I am not trying to write something that isn’t me. I have tried many genres and it seems teenage angst is something I can write. Of course, this is probably because I was a total drama queen and experienced a lot of craziness when I was growing up. Seeming to find trouble even when I wasn’t searching for it. I do hope to go back to some of my other pieces and flesh them out when I have time to, heck there are more stories than I can count bouncing around in my head. You just need to focus to get it done.

My blog from here on out will probably be a lot more about my writings, health, weight loss than everyday life. Hopefully, I can remember to post more often. Please note that all my blogs are done in the free-writing format – I don’t worry about editing. Which is probably stupid for a person wanting to be a writer when they grow up but meh!

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Yes, I know!

I should be doing homework…

Instead, I am sitting in the library playing Pottermore and chatting with people on Twitter. I know that sounds horrible but that isn’t all I did in the past hour and fifteen minutes. I also wrote over 400 words on my story. OOOOOOHHHHH, goes the crowd.

Yeah, I know it doesn’t sound like much but it works. It is something. I wish it was more and at this rate, at about 1000-1800 words a week, I will have a very badly written novel done in another 67 weeks… or by next Christmas. Not really a prime goal for me especially since I had been hoping to be done by the end of the year. But this weekend, instead of working on my novel in the evenings like I sometimes do I spent it finishing up writing a fictional account of someone who was awakened by the writings of Thomas Paine in journal style for a late paper for my History class. Does that count as writing? It was 2,799 words which is about the length of a paperback chapter. It was just as bad but it has given me an idea of a possible story down the road.

That’s part of the problem with wanting to write… you find so many stories out there in the world. It would be easy to jump from one story to another but I got advice from a pop culture icon (I won’t say who but I was excited as peas in soup when he responded to a comment I made) about a month back when discussing multiple projects. He said “It’s important to finish something” and that is when I realized that as I stared at the 13 files I had sitting in my special section of docs for my writings, none of them were finished. Some were barely a page or two, some a couple of chapters or scenes in but none of them were finished. It was one thing to get inspired by an idea and write it down. It was another to completely stop your work then start another one that is once again left unfinished when another idea pops into your head.

Now, at the time I was given this advice through Facebook comments, I was working on four different things at once and this was BEFORE school had even started. I decided then I needed to buckle down and just finish something. Yes, it may not ever get published but who cares. I can say… “I wrote a novel. It isn’t published but look! I wrote 100,000+ words and it is a completed story! Take that doubts in my head! I did something in my life I have always wanted to do!” (I can only hope that then maybe they will go on vacation to Russia and not come back.) Then I can move onto something else. It of course helps a bit that outside my writing I am raising a very rambunctious toddler who drives me bonkers, taking classes that, oh my gosh, are requiring me to write as well. I am using my personal writing as a way to focus and give me some personal creativity time.

Do I see myself as a professional writer? I don’t know, maybe not but after talking to my professor this morning I did find that if I ever wanted to be a professor – yeah, I know crazy write (haha!) – I had to get published with something. I really didn’t know this, that to be a professor of English you have to know what you are talking about. Weird, I know! One of the best things though, is she offered to help me on another dream project I have… publishing my poetry. She said, whenever I am ready. Which to me has been the coolest thing I have heard since my mom told me submitted her Masters application and before that the sound of my son yelling Mama as I cooked dinner a few weeks back. Alright, I hear a lot of good and cool things in my life but it made me feel really good that a teacher of mine offered a hand to help me. I like my poetry better than my prose and I have always wanted to see it in print, in a collection. I don’t see myself as a Maya Angelou but just a poet who wrote some things when she was a younger… I just wish I still wrote like I used to and every once in a while be printed (my first poem in print was when I was 10 in a school collection, so cool!).

As I have grown up over the years, mostly in the past six since I turned 30, I have learned a lot that I wish I had known when I was younger. I think we all go thru that but I am finding that if you reach out and ask a question you can get so much guidance in unexpected ways. How was I to know that some off-hand comment that I made on a Facebook page would lead to a couple of words that would make me open my eyes in an unexpected way. I am 36 years old, still in college because it took me 18 years to finish my Associates Degree; something I didn’t think I would ever get. I am aiming to finish college with a Bachelor’s but it took a long time for me to realize because someone else smacked my virtual head, that it’s important to finish something. This is important not just with my writing but in a lot of other ways. If you do not finish things… its hard to grow because you never completely leave the path you were on before. You can only stretch yourself so thin, right, how many things have to go unfinished; so finish something and move on with your life. What you finish will be a step to the next level in your life. I wonder if my lack of finishing things so often in my life is one of the reasons I like the which leaves your sentences open-ended, never-ending, never completed. Which is so much of my life…

creativity fallout

So, on one of the many message boards I go to there is a forum called “The Bucket List” – and like the movie its an area for making lists of things we want to do before we die. Unfortunatly, I think my list is getting longer and not smaller. And I can’t help but wonder – will I be able to even do 10% of what I have on there? I can’t help and not have the confidence that I will do it. The worse thing, is it keeps growing when I watch tv or talk to people. What is my list? Here it is – at this moment in time:

  • Finally meet George and thank him for everything he has given me
  • Fall in love, get married, maybe have a kid or two
  • Design my own wedding gown.
  • Write a novel – and sell it then maybe write another
  • Live life as best as I can…
  • Learn to meditate without falling asleep
  • I want to eat at a Bobby Flay resturant….
  • And conquer my fear of heights the best I can
  • Learn to scuba dive
  • Get my slytherin student costume finished.
  • Get down to 145lbs, and stay there.
  • Buy and own a real Chanel couture purse.
  • Attend the Oscars!
  • Attend a party at the playboy mansion.
  • Own my own successful company
  • Go to Russia
  • Take 6 months and eat my way thru Italy
  • Go to Africa and go on a camping safari
  • Move to Inverness and live there for no less then a year
  • Travel to Greece and take a yacht tour of the islands
  • Go back to Hawaii for a month
  • Munich during Oktoberfest.
  • Travel to Ireland – County Cork and make it to the Isle of Bute
  • Travel to Romania – visit Draculas Castle – the real one and the home of Elizabeth Bathory
  • Go to Glastonbury for the equinox
  • Make it to Devil’s Tower and eat at the nearest resturant, order mashpotatos and make a replica at it while saying – there is something to this! the entire time
  • Have enough money to buy an RV and drive all over the Americas while writing a travel book about the adventures…
  • stay at least one night in the following locations: Stanley Hotel, Queen Mary, El Coronado Hotel and a haunted castle somewhere in the isles.
  • Spend Halloween in Salem, MA and go to their Costume Ball.
  • Go to New Orleans on Halloween and attend the Vamprie Masqurade.
  • Some of them kinda dumb but I am not sure. I am definatly sure that do most of the things on my list I need to be extremely rich and/or rich & famous.

    But the biggest item on my list is to write a book… and maybe another. And there are ideas I do have for writing a book but my brain doesn’t seem to want to help me put it on paper. I have ideas flowing and then when I sit down to write something my mind goes blank. I can’t remember for the life of me what I want or had in my mind. Yes, I know I should write it down when it comes to my mind. Its hard to do that when you are driving a car or working with a customer or on a treadmill. I really want to write something. And something successful… no one wants to be the writer who writes a novel that no one wants to read. Right? But we will see… maybe my creativity fallout will dissipate soon enough and I can move along on this list finally!

    I can’t help but wonder – am I being too over the top with my wants and desires for my life? Am I setting myself up disaster? I guess this is the hardest part of being a pessimist. I know I can’t be over the top for wanting the things I want in life. Kinda dumb for me to think I don’t deserve to be happy… hard not to when strangers come into your life and make you feel you aren’t worth anything.