Almost Christmas!

Well, its almost Christmas and my pocketbook is slowly empting of its cash as I continue to buy presents for one and all… the one being myself and the all being the rest of my family! lol. In all seriousness, its been a hectic few weeks. The store at work is getting ready to shut down and I am working as hard as I can to stay on my diet, not freak out over expenses, getting sad over being gone for two weeks and not being able to train, and more.

But I am really looking forward to seeing my nephew and hanging out with him for two weeks. Celebrating Christmas with a kid is really exciting and fun. Especially now that he is getting older and understanding more about the fun of Christmas. I actually got a text from him this morning asking me if I was going to be there for his birthday (which is on the 1st of January) and got to text back and forth with him for awhile. Yeah, I know – he is four years old, going on five, and knows how to text. I barely knew how to write and he is holding his own on a text convo with a 33 year old! Plus being told I love you by the most important person in your life 5 times in a row feels really damned nice.

As for the rest of it… I think I have offically gotten old again when I realized, there is nothing I really want for Christmas. Oh, I’m sure one of my friends would say that I want to know what he kisses like for Christmas and that would be partially true – but I think he thinks that I always want to know what he kisses like and I don’t, sometimes I think about pizza.

In truth, there really isn’t anything I am like – I HAVE TO HAVE THAT! I figure if the people in my life want to get me something, they know me well enough to know what I want and like. Hell, I have a list on amazon.com, actually I have several lists. But that doesn’t always mean anything. Those are just things. I can buy myself things, but there are things I want I really can’t get from someone. I mean – I want to have things happen in my life and changes I want that I can’t get from anyone really. At least no one in my life would be willing to give me.

Can I say something… I had a really interesting evening last night. I said something a few nights ago that was really stupid and of course, I beat myself up about it and the person I said it to was like whatever, blah blah think whatever you want I don’t care blah blah. But I wonder – why am I so hard on myself all the time? I know it frustrates the hell out of my friends. Who I don’t understand why they think I am good for anything at all…

I mean I know I suck to the extreme most of the time and a good amount of time I don’t even think I am worth enough to even continue to exist (these are pleasent thoughts right before Christmas, aren’t they?) but why am I so hard on myself? And why do I think so little of myself? I mean I have done crap things over the years and I realized last night – I have never forgiven myself for a majority of them. I think a part of me thinks that if I forgive myself, I would have to truely truely face myself and think I am worth something… and in truth that can be damned scary as hell to think is true.

Isn’t that stupid? That I am scared to think I am worth something? There are times I like myself but most of the time I just don’t think I deserve anything good in my life. But how long can I go on punishing myself? If I keep doing it, I don’t think anyone would ever be able to love me for me. Because if you can’t love yourself… why would anyone want to take the time to love you?

So, maybe for Christmas this year, I need to give myself the one thing I need more then anything else in the world. To be able to forgive myself. But am I good enough for that? I feel like I need someone to hold me and say, yes its okay to forgive yourself. That no matter what, you are forgiven and its okay to leave it behind and see yourself in a good light. I should be able to do that on my own but I can’t seem to be able to. And I want to…

Should I be able to stand in the mirror and look myself in the eyes and tell myself, I’m sorry and say I forgive you? Maybe…

What are your wishes for the holidays?

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Some Good Points

Sooooo, yesterday I wrote about self-worth and trying to pinpoint some things about myself to be proud of. And its still hard.

I mean, I don’t know if my sense of self is really warped or what but I mean I can look in the mirror one day and see absolutely nothing wrong with myself. I mean, I do think I am pretty… damned pretty at times, even sexy. Hell, I am a fat girl who has a strut when I walk. Especially depending on the music I listen to. Its amazing how sexy certain songs can make you feel. I mean like I am sexy and too good for you being spoken by your body when you move. Its kinda sad, I with I had that confidence when it came to speaking to a man… if I can feel sexy while working out to the right song with looking a complete and utter mess and sweating my ass off.

Why can’t I feel that way when I am standing in front of a cute boy or see one I want to talk to? Maybe I can get in implant in my brain that when I need to I can cue up “Bad to the Bone” or some other song that makes me go – hey baby! hubba hubba… and get this smirk on my face that makes someone think I know more then I really do (which is what I have been told it looks like once a long time ago).

But then there are other times when I look in the mirror and want to hide from myself. I think about the way I look and think I am just deformed with lips too poofy and cheeks to chubby. Too much hair, big pores… etc. Stupid eczema… and I just want to cry.

Why I have these switches I haven’t a clue. I am guessing its probably the norm? Do others do this? I sure the hell hope so… be kinda lonely if I was the only other person in the world who felt this way.

So… I guess here is the point where I say some good things about myself, so I don’t keep going on about how crazy I think I am.

I think I have a beautiful smile… I like my mouth. Is that weird? It   seems at times a little small but there is something about my smile I like. And even though my teeth are not perfect, I think they are pretty nice. I like the little bit that they over grow each other on the top center teeth. I mean, I had braces once but I didn’t ever wear my retainer like I was suppose to. I consider my teeth have that imperfectly perfect look to them? Good thing I’m not a model or actress… my agent would probably make me get it all fixed. But in truth, there is one ex in my past who gave me a great complement – and I wished I would think of it more often when I start thinking my mouth is too small… he told me my lips made him want to kiss me. I mean – I don’t have Angelina Jolie lips but who does. Mine aren’t even close but they fit me. And I love them.

Then there are my eyes. Your eyes don’t change over the years. They pretty much stay the same shape and colour (even if they vary by shades from time to time) from the time you come into your eye colour until your old age. But I think my eyes are pretty and I don’t know… expressive? I even like it when they get creepy. I have this photo taken at one of the period in time places that used to be (or may still be) in Underground Atlanta and it was the middle of the summer so I was just a tad tan but when we got the photo I looked like a freak! My skin was so dark in the photo that my eyes looked scary as shit! It makes me giggle even today – 14 years later – when I think about it.

I think I have a good sense of humor. I mean, not when its directed towards me – I don’t like being laughed at. It hurts… a lot. More then anything else sometimes and I can’t explain why. But I love to laugh and I find the strangest things funny even when other people don’t. Maybe some… but I will say its fun getting weird looks at the movie theater because you cracked up when Tom Cruise danced with a corpse on the big screen. I mean, I may not find some blatant things funny and my humor may be pretty damned dark sometimes. But I learned a long time ago to laugh at myself (just not when I am the butt of a joke) but like when I fall and hurt myself. Something my mom and I have passed on to my nephew. I mean, its funny when you are tied to a bungee cord and stretch it to the max and decide to see if you can keep up with it… and learning to fly!

I do at times think I am smart. Not at everything and all the time but in general I am a pretty damned smart person. I like to learn new things and love to research random fancies. I even had a test to prove it – IQ 127. I think one of the hardest things was having someone I consider get upset that my IQ was higher then theirs because they didn’t think I should have such a high IQ with having learning disabilities – because I was suppose to be stupid. Not above average. I took it once and scored average when I was drunk and it was the middle of the night. I can do stupid things but I think just in general I am intelligent but I don’t normally shove it in someones face that I am better then them. I mean my brothers is higher then mine – he is in the genius level I believe. But too often I feel like the stupidest person on the planet. And I know I am not, I just struggle with LD’s that make it harder for me.

So… there I go. Four things I love or at least like about myself. Took me a day or so but I got something. 😀

Worth More Then a Single Chicken?

Please note – this is a highly emotional, very personal post. I would appreciate if any comments you want to make challenging me on the following issues be kept to yourself. Especially if I do not know you in real life. This is me working thru something… and me putting it out there to air out the cobwebs so I can heal.

The other night on my way home from the gym, I stopped by a friends house to pick up a copy of Spiderman 3 and started talking his roommate, another friend of mine. Lets call him “Gracious One” during this blog to protect his identity.I wasn’t expecting to stay for more then a few moments but he said a simple yet direct comment – I don’t understand why you sell yourself short. This then led into about a 3 hour conversation on many different topics, many times leading back to why I have a lack of self worth. In truth, I knew I had moments where my feelings would be down and I would feel I wasn’t good enough but as the “Gracious One” kept talking to me a bit more I started to realize… I really don’t have much if any self-worth. And why? Why do I feel so often I am worth anything or I am just not good enough. Yes, I have stated before – I am worth loving and I do think I am but I don’t think I am worth being loved by anyone good for me. Only someone who isn’t good fod me… just usually makes me feel worse of myself.

I mean having no or low self-worth is nothing new, many women and some men do have this issue. The feeling of worthlessness. That they don’t deserve anything good. We can say, I am worth it but in our true heart of hearts – do we truly believe this? Usually not. And where has this idea of being worth something come from. Can’t we just be happy with who we are and why can’t we just fix it. I wish it was as easy as just fixing it. A lack of self-worth isn’t something that just suddenly happens to you. Its something that has been there usually for a majority of a persons life.

And as we look back in the past – a woman’s true worth in many societies today and days gone by was based on what she could bring to a man. Not emotionally or physcially (other then bearing HIM a male heir because girls weren’t worth anything other then a commodity to marry off to someone who can bring the father more power and less financial strain) but finacially. Hence my title – am I worth more then a single chicken? I sure the hell hope so. I think I am… but does anyone else?

But back to my thoughts on this subject. Why the hell do I have not low self-esteem but low self-worth? And why do I sell myself short? Easy to answer – because its the way I was trained by the people by the people in my life and the people. I felt like I was just never good enough to anyone. In truth, a lot of it isn’t even lack of self-esteem but a frak ton of shame. And that I had to please them instead of making myself happy. I mean why the frak should I feel guilty for saying no to someone? Cause I do… and that leads to all sorts of messed up crap throughout your life.

I am going to talk a bit about why I feel I am just not good enough. (Now, what I say next may seem weird but I do love my brother dearly.) Lets start at home. Now my older brother was – in my opinion – Mr. Perfect. Could do no wrong. Got A’s easily without hardly trying (at least from what I saw), sports were more then natural to him, good looking and everyone wanted to be his friend or his girlfriend. Saver of lives – yes, he actually saved a family from drowning in a lake in their car. Then there was me… I struggled at everything I did. From talking to people to getting semi-passing grades in school. In my mind – I just wasn’t as right as my brother. Nothing broke his stride. And I couldn’t understand how we came from the same parents yet he was so damned good and I was so crappy. Basically I felt like Danny DeVito to Arnold in Twins. And this was always in my mind. Add in the feeling of being a complete and utter idiot because I would have a hard time comprehending written instructions and the more I studied the less I seemed to understand. Then top it with the fact that my brother was the one who gave me the name people teased me with in elementary school… which of course was based on my appreance which helps when you are already a freak. But he did teach me to ride a bike. But in my mind, I felt I had to measure up to him and be like him but I couldn’t. I just wasn’t good enough so I went the opposite direction and tried to stop caring – at least I tried to act like I didn’t. But I still did and do.

I really have no idea how to dig deeper into this and give more information. I have talked about my struggles with dating. So, we won’t go into that right now.

But there were things that happened to me when I was a younger that even though my parents tried to protect me, they couldn’t protect me from. Things that helped me realize I was and still to this day feel broken and worthless. I mean its not their fault that my afterschool caregiver whipped me with a belt for waking a baby that was sleeping downstairs because supposibly I was banging on the attic floor above the room, even though I didn’t do it. No trial there – I was accused and punished. I was the worthless little liar. They couldn’t stop my 6th grade teacher from calling me a “stupid girl” in front of the entire class. They couldn’t stop my body from losing my hearing which created a speech impediment and slight stutter when I was just starting school. Couldn’t stop the perverts or my so-called friends. Or the boys who thought it was funny to act like they liked me then laugh in my face and tell me it was all a joke. And some other things… I can’t talk about those.

And they couldn’t stop me from me… the desire to be accepted so badly by anyone that I would do almost anything to please them. Even if I had no idea what it would do to me. I didn’t know how to say no. I still struggle with that one to this day… the guilt of not making everyone around me happy and saying no. Why I have that guilt, I haven’t a clue. I don’t know of any particular point in my life started me thinking that saying no was wrong.

Making myself happy was less important then making others happy… because in my mind I didn’t matter. And what I experienced told me that.

Its amazing how young that started for me. So young that I really don’t think I ever had a chance to really love myself and accept me for me. So, after 20 some odd years of hiding myself from pain and the ability to love me… how do I change that? Maybe this is the change that I talked about in the last post? Because it seems that lately I have been having a lot of breakdowns due to the I am not good enough attitude. This sure the hell seems more of an important change then making myself more girlie so boys will like me. Or going back to the old me that drank and smoked and a number of other things to numb me from the pain and hatred I felt inside. I am not sure anyone saw that inside of me. I think I hid it well… but the sad thing was, the more i did those things. The more I hated myself and disappeared. I was an emotional wreak.

One of the topics that “Gracious One” and I covered was relationships. And he talked about that there are patterns in all our relationships that we don’t even notice. Is there a pattern for my relationships. Yeah… and it has stemmed over to friendships as well. I have written in the past the guys I have dated ending up with girls the opposite of me. What I didn’t mention was that most of those girls came into their lives when we were still dating. Not all, just some or most. I mean imagine going out of town to visit friends and finding out that your boyfriend was screwing his ex-girlfriend in the week you were gone. But the one common denominator – I dated mostly guys who saw me as an object, a thing. Not a real person. At least I think this is how they saw me. But in many ways they were just wrong. They were the bad boys. The only thing I can pinpoint is that most of them treated me like crap and I let them. I would accept the shit (well, everything but the cheating) they threw my way and just smile. Why? In my opinion, I didn’t deserve any better. If a guy stood me up and wanted to go out again. I would say okay. I never felt I was good enough for any man in my life… Not that I am saying I was perfect. I wasn’t the best person on the field. I called in each of my relationships and always looked for the quick way out of them even if I didn’t want to leave the person. I always had a reason. Cause I didn’t deserve to be happy.

So… I should of asked “Gracious One” how do you fix or start having self-worth. And quite selling yourself short? Cause I don’t have a clue. Do I start with listing the things good about myself? Should be easy… its a very very short list. I mean looking at yourself and saying – this is good about me is easier said then done. Then lets see… what is a positive trait of mine?

…………… I’m tall so I can see over short people?….. ………….I am more senstive then people realize but I don’t think that is a good thing…………………………………………………………………………………….. …………………… …………. I think I will have to come back to this later.