Warning: this is a stream of consciousness post – parts may not make any sense at all to you

Here is the deal… I am 37 years old, overweight, stressed out and I seriously thought for many years: one of the most boring people on the planet. I have yet to graduate college with a Bachelor’s (I received my Associates Degree in Lib Arts about a 1.5 years ago – about the same time my son was born), it took me until I was 35 to get over the delusions of what romance was supposed to be and what I really deserved (to be happy in all ways), I hadn’t lived a life for many would consider normal. I mean hell, my bucket list is still barely put together let alone having much of it checked off. Part of that is due to the fact, now that I look at it, is that I actually have done many things but I have so much I want to do. I flip-flop on whether to have another kid or not, I nag my husband like crazy, I still make wishes and know they probably won’t come true and I have a hard time keeping a blog because who wants to read about my life. I barely do.

Life can often make you feel like you have to have it all at once and that once is when you are super young, barely out of high school and your brain isn’t even fully formed yet to truly appreciate the life you have. This is one of the first things I had to get over when I realized I wanted to find love, real true love and I felt it was too late for me. I was 34 and never had a deep meaningful relationship because I never felt I was worth loving – deep deep issues there. I also lived in the world of what romance is supposed to be by what we are fed thru movies, novels and songs. We often think the idea of the old maid by 25 is gone in todays society but in many ways it isn’t. We are unidated with the idea that we have to have it all by the time we are 30 and if we don’t we are a failure in life. I know I felt that way, in many ways I gave up on life completely because what was the point.

Part of what helped me grow out of this was opening my eyes. In romantic comedies – the best ones star women who are in their late 30s or 40s not their early 20s. In romance novels – its make believe by women who want that romance in their life. And romance isn’t sex and sex isn’t romance. Romance is sitting on the couch in your PJs, haven’t showered that day and cuddling with your honey as you watch Project Runway on your DVR.

But I digress… a big part of this was that I thought I was boring. I mean, I never really feel like anyone wants to go out of their way to be my friend or get to know me. Because of this I have pulled myself out of the social world. Its hard and lonely at times. I appreciate that I am in school because it gives me a chance to meet some amazing people. But I am finding through my conversations with them… I am very far from boring. Knowing that I probably won’t see them again after the end of the semester (except for seeing them on campus from time to time) I don’t hold myself back and I don’t hide myself. Hell, I barely held myself back in the past but now I just don’t care. And I am enjoying myself so much more. Yes, those doubts come back. Yes, I still have a hard time leaving my house to meet up with people or going some place where I may have to talk to someone… I am still working on that because my son needs to go to the park more often and I am sadly on the verge of becoming homebound.

I am not a shy person, I am actually very outgoing, loud, and I used to be wild (I can’t tell stories about that :p). My quietness is out of fear… fear of being rejected by others. I lucked out and married a man who loves me even though he thought I was more together then I am. But he still loves me and seems to enjoy my company at times.

As I continue to grow up, found my major/minor, hold back from hitting people for idiocy because I realize they still have to grow up as well, and live my life. I am seeing more and more life opened up to me. I find that I am not the only person in the history of the world who became or attempted to become a writer in their late 30s or even later. There is a saying that you are never too old to start something new… but why wait until you are almost too old… do it now. Quit the excuses and realize maybe what you have to say is interesting. I am trying – trying to realize that if people really want to get to know me… will and they will love me for who I am and find me fascinating! Hell, my son thinks I am the awesomeness that awesome… I just need to believe that as well.

As for the people who pushed me aside and decided they knew who I am before really getting to know me… their loss. They saw this one dimension instead of putting on the glasses that put me in 3D. And they will miss out when I finally do start dancing in the middle of the hallway at school to that song I am listening to. I already have it choreographed and have been practicing in the parking structure at school.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4MzF53je5M

As he says at the beginning (FIND A HERO IN YOU!)

I have a goal for this year, well it was last years goal but it didn’t happen because I started too late, that is to attempt to make almost all my Christmas presents and well all presents. It won’t be easy because crafting things from scratch takes a long time when you have only a few hours to yourself a day and most of that is full of working on my novel and school work. But hence – why I need to start now and not wait until November like last year. Thankfully the person who received the one thing I was able to make (beyond the tutus for my nieces) really appreciated it.

Why do I want to learn more? Well, in hopes of saving some money in the end but I like making things and finishing them. I want to move beyond my basic knowledge and get better. I just recently started a granny square afghan for hubs and my bed but I am upping it a step by trying to make several large granny squares then sewing them to make an afghan big enough for our king size bed. Its an overwhelming task at the moment because it has taken me a week to just the first square started.

My goal is that by the end of the year I have some basic knowledge on quilting, pillow making, knitting and a deeper knowledge of crocheting. I don’t want to have to go and buy hats when I lose them – I want to make a replacement with yarn I have on hand. But we shall see how it goes. There isn’t a huge amount of spare time on my hands but my son is getting better at allowing me to do something other then pay attention to him. Even if I had to restart several rows in my latest project because he thought it would be fun to tie himself up with my yarn.

But! This can be a good thing because we won’t be tempted to make this HUGE fancy bathroom like you see on the tv. No room for a tv or coffee maker. Just one that works for our family of three. One doesn’t have several different tiles in it (shower, non-shower walls and floor) that don’t match. 

With wanting to make it feel larger, we are going to have to do some eye deceiving tricks. Our vanity is a large wood one that goes from the floor to the sink in a black formation. No openings to make it feel lighter or more spacious. It does seem someone else had attempted to make some changes by painting it white from the original dark wood. Unfortunately, they did not paint it correctly so its very streaky and you can see clumps of dirt in the paint. The same goes for the vanity mirror with medicine cabinet – which is wall mounted. Our goal for this area will be to make it feel more open. The sink area is right next to the door so it would be nice to open it up a bit.

Sink Area

First goal – buy a recessed medicine cabinet. It would be nice to just have a mirror but with a bathroom that is so small, we need all the storage we can get. This will give us several inches of space that will no longer be taken up by (once again) a badly painted medicine cabinet. Maybe then I can have a towel holder that is more then just a hook or another recessed storage space for the side wall. Would be nice for some smaller things like cotton swabs, etc.

The next is the sink and cabinet. We have been ‘floating’ around the idea of a floating cabinet with a simple sink. Hubs likes the idea of a corner vanity which would give us a bit more room around the toilet. Both are good. We have been watching a lot of House Hunters International esp ones in older cities where they have very old buildings for homes with limited space in them. Kind of like our bathroom space. What have they done to theirs to make it feel luxurious and roomy but with limited capacity. You don’t see too many spa like bathrooms in the tiny apartments of Paris or London but they are well done. This will come down to research and pricing. Ikea has floating vanities for around $300 and corner vanities that don’t look cheap can be around the same amount. More then we want to spend so we will be doing a lot of shopping to see what we can find. Looks like we will be making some trips to the Habitat for Humanity store and the Extras (places they sell left overs from stores) store to see what they have on hand.

Painting

I think I am going to attempt to keep the bathroom the yellow we already have it painted. Its bright and it makes the room feel less claustrophobic. I would like to take the tiles off the walls that are not in the shower area and just paint to the floor. I don’t see a reason for tiles on the walls in non-showering areas. They are pain to keep clean. If not, maybe a nice wall paper but with a small space, I want to keep it simple. A basic light yellow would work wonders.

That is all for now… more later on ideas and planning for a renovation of our bathroom. We are aiming for about 6 months of planning, researching, and buying before we start. Spread it out.

Quoting Hamlet, quoting Claudius,
Research paper getting done,
Put your quotes in my hand,
MLA quotes – hate the man,
Edit once, Edit twice,
Quoting Oedipus, Quoting Creon
Compare them all to this tune!!
Put your quotes in my hand,
MLA quotes -hate the man,
Write it up! Write it up! Write it up!

While I am super-duper excited, for many reasons, I can’t help but worry that what so many fans, including myself, will be expecting will not happen. Why? Because we really have no clue what vision these new people will have. Yes, people are excited that Lucas won’t be part of it but myself, I am a bit worried he won’t have any hand in it. Maybe with the Prequels he spent too much time int he kitchen, refusing to let anyone else in but he was always involved in some way with anything else that has happened in the Star Wars universe. Skywalker Ranch was the eye of the Star Wars hurricane. He was also the one who made the major decisions on parts of the Extended Universe – while we all were angry at Salavatore for killing Chewie it was really Lucas who chose him out of a list of many. So, one wonders… who is going to be the guiding hand in this. Will they keep it in some semblence of a Star Wars Universe or will be suddenly have a completely new world that makes no sense.

In a video released yesterday after the announcement of Disney buying LFL, Lucas tells us he is retiring and handing his reins over to Kathleen Kennedy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyqlTi7lkhY

First thing on my mind was… who is this woman? Second, I am kind of sad George is walking away now. I know, I know… people say he screwed the pooch and messed of the Universe with the Prequels but I on of the few that don’t think he did. At least as badly as many people bitch about.

So, now we have to wait until 2015 to find out how screwed up can possibly look. I am not hoping for the best right now and there is a ton of speculation of who will fill the Directors chair.

• Christopher Nolan doubt it, he has Superman on his hands now
• the chick behind the Twilight movies and Riding Hood – I really hope not. I don’t like her movies.
• JJ Abrams: nope, in the middle of a Star Trek trilogy
• Whedon: nope, he will be busy for the next decade on the Avengers Trilogy
• Robert Rodriguez – intrigued by his style might not match the series very well but he has done a lot of high action, hi CG films and he a Hollywood outsider like Lucas.

My only hope is that whoever they get, they will love the series as much as we diehard fans do because you have to love it to do it right, IMHO. Lord of the Rings was as amazing as it is because Jackson was so passionate about the books and loved them. He put that love into the movies. Many things were changed but he kept the soul of the story. You can not just put a body into the chair for Star Wars, they must have that same love for it. Of course, I have a hard time imaging a director in Hollywood who doesn’t love the Series. They are also going to have to be willing to focus on these three movies for the next 12-15 years (depending on when pre-production starts) which is not easy if you have other projects you want to work on. Of course, they could just round robin the 3rd trilogy like with Harry Potter. Get a different director for each movie, finding the one whose strength will work best with the direction of that particular film. I am not a fan of this because you must have a connecting feeling.

One of the least likeable thing about the HP movies (at least the first few) is that the setting, feeling, etc changed with each director because each one had their own vision for the series. While, yes, the Original Trilogy was directed by three different people the feeling stayed the same. Why? Because they had the same person keeping an eye on things. Okaying everything – Lucas. As producer he was able to make decisions about what happened. These are some of the hurdles the series will have and it’s just been announced.

The same with the writing. Lucas has mentioned he has things written down and its ready for someone to take and create a screenplay with. This is my second concern. The story. While yes, we want to see the magic cast back from the originals and we are all fully aware that there is no way they could set this right after the OT (original trilogy) because of this. People have speculated that they could, if they use Pixar and animate it but I don’t think that would work. How can you have 3 out of 9 movies be animated while the rest are live action?? Yes, I know Lucas had animated characters but it was a mixed world of CG and human actors. This means we need to look at a possible third generation. .Vader is dead, Luke and Leia are older. The Star Wars stories focus on the Skywalker family which means we have to see kids.

I can only hope that whom ever takes on the job of writing the movies looks towards the Extended Universe because there is a plethora of material there. Material that fans adore and obsess over already. I also believe that if you want to keep the fans on your side, especially with Star Wars, you need to go there. Yes, there is an openness of using the Star Wars world as background then jumping ahead so many years but I have a feeling if you give Han & Leia kids and they are not named: Jacen, Jaina and Anakin you will have some very angry customers on your hands. If Luke isn’t married to Mara Jade with a kid named Ben… you get my drift?

Now my plea to the producers of the 3rd Tri-logy… so to the bookstore and start reading. Find a story in something that is already published. You do not have to go with that exact story but there is a rich world there to pull from. Amazing dramas, characters who are well thought out. But there are some well written stories:

• Anything with Thrawn- the blue dude with attitude. He is probably one of the best villains in the EU.
• 

• Mara Jade Skywalker – once the Hand of the Emporer, now the wife of Luke. She kicks ass and has a very filled our resume in the EU.
• 

• The Solo Kids – Jacen, Jaina and Anakin – if you read about them you know how amazing they are. You get the twins: Jacen & Jaina then Anakin… as powerful as his grandfather
      

With these three characters being drawn into the series, you have so may stories you can build upon but I believe there are several that are worth noting.

• The New Jedi Order Series: While Thrawn is there right before it happens. This is about an invasion into the galaxy from outside. Its dark, gruesome and would be visually stimulating. The sucky part is that the first book has a death in it that would crush non-EU reading fans and it would be difficult to explain. While amazing… not the best choice.
• Legacy of the Force Series: This is a very powerful series and would help round out the movie series. We see yet another Skywalker fall into darkness, following the steps of his grandfather. It takes place 40 after a new hope – just about right for the age of the actors of the OT and they are in the series pretty heavily. But the story focuses more on the next generation and a rebirth of the Empire many decades later. Out of all the books I believe this one would translate the best for the big screen.

My only hope though is that it continues to be amazing. We have a lot coming at us in the Star Wars world right now. The Clone Wars continues on Cartoon Network, we have the new Detours by Seth Green and the highly anticipated live action series. I am excited to see what happens. I can not wait to buy tickets and see the new movies on the big screen with my son; just as my parents took me. I am in love with the knowledge that this series I love so damned much, has helped me in many ways is still alive and kicking.

Instead, I am sitting in the library playing Pottermore and chatting with people on Twitter. I know that sounds horrible but that isn’t all I did in the past hour and fifteen minutes. I also wrote over 400 words on my story. OOOOOOHHHHH, goes the crowd.

Yeah, I know it doesn’t sound like much but it works. It is something. I wish it was more and at this rate, at about 1000-1800 words a week, I will have a very badly written novel done in another 67 weeks… or by next Christmas. Not really a prime goal for me especially since I had been hoping to be done by the end of the year. But this weekend, instead of working on my novel in the evenings like I sometimes do I spent it finishing up writing a fictional account of someone who was awakened by the writings of Thomas Paine in journal style for a late paper for my History class. Does that count as writing? It was 2,799 words which is about the length of a paperback chapter. It was just as bad but it has given me an idea of a possible story down the road.

That’s part of the problem with wanting to write… you find so many stories out there in the world. It would be easy to jump from one story to another but I got advice from a pop culture icon (I won’t say who but I was excited as peas in soup when he responded to a comment I made) about a month back when discussing multiple projects. He said “It’s important to finish something” and that is when I realized that as I stared at the 13 files I had sitting in my special section of docs for my writings, none of them were finished. Some were barely a page or two, some a couple of chapters or scenes in but none of them were finished. It was one thing to get inspired by an idea and write it down. It was another to completely stop your work then start another one that is once again left unfinished when another idea pops into your head.

Now, at the time I was given this advice through Facebook comments, I was working on four different things at once and this was BEFORE school had even started. I decided then I needed to buckle down and just finish something. Yes, it may not ever get published but who cares. I can say… “I wrote a novel. It isn’t published but look! I wrote 100,000+ words and it is a completed story! Take that doubts in my head! I did something in my life I have always wanted to do!” (I can only hope that then maybe they will go on vacation to Russia and not come back.) Then I can move onto something else. It of course helps a bit that outside my writing I am raising a very rambunctious toddler who drives me bonkers, taking classes that, oh my gosh, are requiring me to write as well. I am using my personal writing as a way to focus and give me some personal creativity time.

Do I see myself as a professional writer? I don’t know, maybe not but after talking to my professor this morning I did find that if I ever wanted to be a professor – yeah, I know crazy write (haha!) – I had to get published with something. I really didn’t know this, that to be a professor of English you have to know what you are talking about. Weird, I know! One of the best things though, is she offered to help me on another dream project I have… publishing my poetry. She said, whenever I am ready. Which to me has been the coolest thing I have heard since my mom told me submitted her Masters application and before that the sound of my son yelling Mama as I cooked dinner a few weeks back. Alright, I hear a lot of good and cool things in my life but it made me feel really good that a teacher of mine offered a hand to help me. I like my poetry better than my prose and I have always wanted to see it in print, in a collection. I don’t see myself as a Maya Angelou but just a poet who wrote some things when she was a younger… I just wish I still wrote like I used to and every once in a while be printed (my first poem in print was when I was 10 in a school collection, so cool!).

As I have grown up over the years, mostly in the past six since I turned 30, I have learned a lot that I wish I had known when I was younger. I think we all go thru that but I am finding that if you reach out and ask a question you can get so much guidance in unexpected ways. How was I to know that some off-hand comment that I made on a Facebook page would lead to a couple of words that would make me open my eyes in an unexpected way. I am 36 years old, still in college because it took me 18 years to finish my Associates Degree; something I didn’t think I would ever get. I am aiming to finish college with a Bachelor’s but it took a long time for me to realize because someone else smacked my virtual head, that it’s important to finish something. This is important not just with my writing but in a lot of other ways. If you do not finish things… its hard to grow because you never completely leave the path you were on before. You can only stretch yourself so thin, right, how many things have to go unfinished; so finish something and move on with your life. What you finish will be a step to the next level in your life. I wonder if my lack of finishing things so often in my life is one of the reasons I like the … which leaves your sentences open-ended, never-ending, never completed. Which is so much of my life…

Now, why do I dislike them so? It’s not that I think they are useless, they have their purpose. They breakout for the teachers where you are going with your research and your paper. It helps you compile everything into one area. Where are you going to go back to, to get your research on. I hate them because they are so damned difficult. I can write a bib, no problem, with a little help of the Owl at Purdue (probably the most important resource for anyone in school at any level). It’s the description part of it. I never feel like I get it right or I am doing it correctly, and I hate this feeling so much! I hate feel lost and discombobulated when I am doing something for school. It brings back all those bad emotions from when I was a kid. I can still hear my English teacher from 6th grade shouting in my face about how stupid I am.

Yes, I know, I need to get past these things and I am for the most part. I think everyone gets these emotions during their bad moments. Those doubts that ate away at you in the past can rear their ugly heads when they feel you are vulnerable. School can do this to me so easily. Yes, I love being in school right now but there are times it is such a struggle still. I didn’t give up in high school because I was lazy, I gave up because I knew in my head I was too stupid for it and it wasn’t worth the energy. I believed this whole-hardheartedly. It was draining. It still can be. I can still end up in tears with the pain that courses through my body when I begin to doubt myself. I had support at home but as anyone who has ever been a teenager knows… that doesn’t matter when everyone else around you helps confirm those doubts.

These are the same doubts that stall my writing as well. I have always wanted to be a writer, it was my secret dream but I am scared shitless of the possibility of success and/or the negative reviews that will come my way. Even the best writers in the history of the world have their haters. I do not know if I can successfully navigate that minefield when it comes down to it. The question than becomes… is achieving my dreams worth the negativity that will be aimed in my direction. Will I be able to, emotionally and mentally, survive it. I am luckier now then I was a few years ago… I have a husband who believes in me and will do anything to protect me. He also doesn’t allow me to drown in my own doubts, which he doesn’t understand why I have any. I don’t understand how he can’t see it. But isn’t that usually away… we are our own worst judges. I am harder on myself then anyone else could ever be; which could be a blessing but it can also be a negative because nothing is ever good enough in my own mind (when I think of my own expectations of myself).

So, the annotated bib? I will be doing it, even though it may be late, because I need to. I will swallow my doubts and get on with my life. It’s only a couple pages right?

Now, tomorrow, we have to turn in our annotated bibliography for the paper. If anyone has ever written one, you kinda know why they suck to put together. Instead of having months to research and find your documentation, we have a few weeks to gather together what we will be using (5 primaries, 5 secondaries) for our research. Not only listing them but putting down a description of the item and the reason for using it. What it will support, etc.

I am sure they have a purpose: figure out your research, have it all focused and such. And I am sure this won’t be the last one I will ever write (especially since I am thinking of taking the next section from the same Prof) over the next few years for school. I am guessing they are necessary for thesis papers and such. My hubs and I have discussed the possibility of me going for my Masters after I get my Bachelors… I am sure they will be due then. But it is hard, having to find ten resources on what is considered a very minor skirmish in a war most people don’t even know happened. Strange as it may seems.

One would wonder why I would go for this subject then. Why not go for an easier topic like: Salem Witch Trials, Ben Franklin, Jamestown, etc. Other then the fact that they are super obvious to me as topics (I actually heard two people discussing the Witch trials with the prof), I grew up knowing about Fort McHenry and what was important about the day of the Bombardment beyond that of the writing of the National Anthem. My grandmothers family is from around there… about a short 10 minute drive, so when we would go to Baltimore for vacation and visit family it was always a destination we would visit as well. Why not? It is a beautiful place, full of history.

Why was it important? It kept the British from taking Baltimore, which at the time was considered more important then Washington being burnt down. Washington at the time was just starting to become the hub of the American government. The White House was there, famously burned down by the Brits, and the Capital but it was not the city it was today. Many people were afraid that if Baltimore (one of the countries richest and leading ports) was taken, the Brits could make their way to Philadelphia. So, our 1000 men at Fort McHenry, holding off the Brits for 25 hours and making them turn around was a big moment in our national history. That was in 1814, before the famous Battle of New Orleans with Andrew Jackson and two years after a war began with our invasion of Canada.

This year is also the bicentennial of the start of the war, I bet you had no idea. We didn’t really celebrate it but we should because it really affirmed us as a nation in the eyes of the rest of the world because we were able to hold our ground.

Now, I would love to lecture more but alas my son just woke up and I need to go get him.

Enough of the self-pitying. It took years for me to come to the conclusion that I wanted to get my degree, no matter what. It hasn’t been easy. It took me eighteen years to get my Associates Degree, as well as attending five or six different community colleges in three different states, and I am now working towards my Bachelors. It also took me that long to realize that I wanted to get a degree in something I loved. I could care less about getting a degree in something that would guarantee me a big paycheck. As well as the fact, that I wanted to be able to get into a field where I could hopefully work around my child/ren lives, and not them live around mine.

My biggest hurdle was that this semester I was going to have to put my Son into daycare if I was going to continue working towards my degree. My hubs and I had long conversations. I wanted to just give up and stay at home with Son and any future children, I didn’t need a degree right? He pushed me and encouraged me to keep going. Son is almost a year and a half, he has spent his entire life up to now with just me. It will possibly be another year and a half before we can even comprehend having another kid. He needed to be around other children, to learn to socialize with kids his own age. I know there are some out there that consider my decision to go back to school as a selfish act, because I am putting that above taking care of my Son. Hell, I feel that way as well but I keep reminding myself that getting my degree will hopefully benefit him one day as well. He is also seeing that education is important because I am studying with him and in front of him. That as long as you have a dream, you can fulfill it no matter what your age or barriers that come up. My barriers were self-inflicted: I never thought I was worth the work to get a degree. I felt I was no one special so why try. Just like in relationships, my lack of self-love was hidden behind a false front of confidence (I didn’t need no one or anything to make me happy) when I was dying inside. I don’t want my son to grow up seeing that in a woman… a self-hatred, lack of self-respect. I want him to see me as a strong woman, who works like crazy for her dream.

Yes, I am giving up three days a week with him… well, partial days but our time together now is more precious. For three days a week, it is just me and him. On Saturday and part of Friday, its only daddy who exists. I am also giving up time with my husband. We now only have one day a week together because of my school schedule but those days are more about us being a family then me being with Son while Daddy works around the house. Hubs gets Fridays while we are at school to work and get things done. By the time we get home… we can be together. Saturday we can go out. Or they go out and I stay at home and study. Its working, it’s not easy but it works for us in the hopes that one day we can take bigger vacations together and show our child/ren the world, or get them into better schools, help them with activities, etc.

I also look at the benefits of Son being in school; I say school not daycare because they do learning time even if it’s a very broad amount of learning. In less than two weeks, his language skills are getting better (he says bye now), he is learning to wash his hands, put on his shoes, drink from a cup, serve himself food, etc. The school is also on campus, which helps me feel more secure. If something happens, I can be there within two minutes from anywhere on campus. He has an actual teacher who leads his classes, and comes up with lesson plans as well as at least four other ladies he can flirt with while he is there. He listens better than before, though he is still a handful, and like I said this is just after two weeks of classes. Maybe it sounds like I am justifying myself and in a way I am because I want to make sure he is happy. Yes, we have gone from not caring that mommy is even the room to screaming when I leave; but it doesn’t last long and when he takes his naps, we have a ton of fun when we get home. Some days there are screaming fits, especially when he is over tired and he is constantly wanting to be outside now but he sleeps better than ever (actually tries getting into his crib himself).

So, here I sit, wondering still if I am doing the right thing for our family and the answer will always be yes. We have goals for our family and to reach them, I need to be able to attend school. But I couldn’t do it without the support I get my Hubs. One of the benefits of marrying one of your closest friends, is you know that they always wanted the best for you and always will. While yes, we have to sacrifice time as a family and some alone time so I can study, we see it as being worth it. I lucked out with my Hubs cause he believes in me in a way that I wish I could believe in myself. Guess I need to take the time and look at myself through his eyes more often.